Wednesday, 04 January 2012
-
To Be the Other Woman
I was at dinner with a friend the other night when we began to talk about relationships and the topic of cheating came up. That's when my friend said, "Well, if you are the other woman then you're a whore." If it were a year ago I would have agreed. However, I couldn't and didn't, why you may ask? Because at one point I was the other woman. I had all these excuses as to why, but I came to realize that there really was no excuse. After my conversation with my friend I came to the realization of a few things, regarding myself, my morals and my outlook.-Cheating is not something anyone should engage in, because it just isn't fair for anyone involved. The one cheating, the one being cheated on, or the one that is the other person. WHY? For the simple reason that everyone is being disrespected and no one is really happy about it.
-At the same time, I shouldn't be judged nor should I be the one judging. I can't deny that I haven't done it, because I for sure have. I have judged others for not being morally straight or whatnot. Then again, am I really in a position to judge? I have made mistakes too.
-All my actions are my own. I shouldn't try to make excuses for the decisions I've made or regret them but instead I should leave the past in the past. Because at the end of the day, whether the choices I make are good or bad they have made me who I am today, and all I can do is grow from my past--not have it hold me back.
I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be (I heard it's boring). But I do want to be the best person I can be. While, I have been the other woman, it taught me a few things about life and for that I can't say I regret it. I do feel sorry for the other girl because I know I wouldn't want that to happen to me. But life is a learning process, right?
Any thoughts about judging, or being judged?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: deborah_hlee@xanga
- Name: Debbie(:
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 5683 Comments: 0 70 View all posts by deborah_hlee@xanga
Comments (71)
it's ethically impossible to be a fair judge of anyone else than yourself. According to ethics you must have every aspect of the act or event plus every motivation too, this is only possible if you're judging your own actions, there's no way you can ethically judge someone but you.
That said as I believe in the sanctity of marriage I could never do something like that, not cheating or being the "other woman", is a matter of principles for me. Maybe I'm just very naive in both points though :\
I think people who willingly engage in infidelity (and are knowingly the "other women/men") try to place themselves above moral reproach by saying that people have no right to judge, that it's a matter of the heart, etc.
I do agree that some labels, like calling someone a "Whore" in the context given, can be pushing it. But I also think that rather than attacking other people for failing to distinguish between judging the action and judging the person, cheaters should focus more on their own actions. They should figure out that if they're going to engage in infidelity, that they should be prepared for the social stigma associated with it. There's no sense in being surprised and offended when people get angry because you either violated your spouse/SO's trust, or helped another person do the same.
Also, if you don't regret committing infidelity or being the "other" whatever, there's a good chance you haven't really learned from it, and are more likely to do it again because it gets you want you want, without any regard for the innocent parties involved.
Ah glad you came upon the realization that we are not fit to judge. Plus, you don't get anything out of it in the first place.
Here is a post... which I wrote not too long ago.
Read it, I think it could clear your head a little bit.http://myhometownglory.xanga.com/757847193/being-the-other-woman--no-thank-you/
Each and every one of us make decisions for ourselves. You made the decision to do what you did. There are consequences for everything we do. People thinking you're a less than moral person is one of them.
I hope that no one ever does that to you.
If you're the other woman, you're scum. Your actions, your choices, your fault. Simple as that!
if you are the other woman, no matter what, its wrong. you wouldn't like it to happen to you so don't do it to someone else.
@TheMushyPear@xanga - Doesn't the man share a little bit of that fault too?
If you are the other woman and you don't know it (i.e. he doesn't tell you he is in a committed relationship), that's one thing.
But if you know it, and you do it anyway, I actually do get to judge you, because that's a fucking shitty thing to do to his girlfriend/wife. You actions are NOT just your own because someone is getting hurt because of what you are doing/will be hurt once they find out.
To simply say that the other woman is a whore is a little quick conclusion to jump to. If the guy were to lie to his SO about being with another woman, what makes you think he won't like to the other woman about being single? The other person can be led to believe that they truly are single when they in fact aren't. However, if they were told that the guy did have a girlfriend and they still proceed to get with the guy, then yes, she is no better than the guy.
@ZombieMom_Speaks@xanga - The man does not force the woman to do this, unless they lie to her or something. If she knows she is the other woman, she has the choice not to do it.
If someone is 'the other one' be it a guy or a girl, unless they are unaware of the situation, yeah, its pretty low. I personally would never bring myself to wreak another relationship purposely. I know it sounds spiteful, but honestly, its ridiculous.
If you're going to blatantly hurt another woman, think about how you would feel if you were in their position. It hurts to find out there's another woman and it's inexcusable to be that woman.
@Saridactyl@xanga - True, but he also has the responsibility of not messing around in the first place.
@ZombieMom_Speaks@xanga - Obviously. I never said he didn't. But there's plenty of blame to go around. If you KNOW you're the other woman, you're as much at fault as he is.
it takes two to tango. one person shouldn't have to take the fall for two people's actions.
@ZombieMom_Speaks@xanga - I'm not saying the man has no fault.
I watched my mother get cheated on for as long as I can remember. My father even brought his girlfriends home--pregnant--and declaring his love for them. I can even remember him saying at one point: "She's young, beautiful, and she does what I tell her to."
Though, I never resented them...I felt sorry for them. I am not sure if ALL of them were aware that my father was married because he was always away on business and never wore his ring, but I am for sure that some of them knew and continued to have an affair with him. Obviously now in my relationships, I don't tolerate cheating at all. It's a loss of trust that I don't feel I could ever get back.
With that being said, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. The choice to sleep with someone who is in another relationship is just that--a mistake...and different women and men pay for it in many different ways.
I think it is a comfortable place for us to be to say things like "this woman had an affair with a man in a relationship; that makes her a whore" because it gives us something to be righteously upset about.
Having said all that....when I was cheated on, I was honestly pissed for about a day, but then I reconciled with her about a month later. No, it wasn't right, but I had made plenty of mistakes in the relationship-- too many, in fact, to be the martyr in that situation....and labeling her wouldn't have me a better person nor would it have taken the pain away.
@TheMushyPear@xanga - You're absolutely right. Just for a minute, though it sounded as if the woman was getting all the blame.
Wow, if only life were that simple. No, the other woman isn't a "whore". She may have less morals but sometimes cheating is far more complicated than that. It's best for people to mind their own business and worry about their own actions then go around calling people names.
Life isn't easy. Divorce isn't easy. If one spouse is mentally abusing another and the hurting spouse cheats, then sorry I place no blame on them for doing something to keep themselves going in life. Only people in that position can understand that. No, I didn't nor have I ever cheated, I just understand the logistics of why some people do cheat. (Some people just want to cheat and that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.)
Lots of black/white answers to this question.
Romantically engaging with someone married is absolutely playing with fire. If the married person is responding to that kindling, there are likely some problems in the marriage that need tending.
So - "other person" (man or woman) should be very aware they are dealing with someone who is having a problem in a committed relationship. "Married person" should be very aware that HE/SHE is the one 'straying,' ... not the "other person."
No whores. No sluts. No bastards. etc. Just real people making dangerous relationship decisions.
Ugh. My best friend sexed up some girl's boyfriend occasionally. Her reason for why what she did wasn't wrong? "It's not my relationship, and I wasn't the one who made any commitments. Plus, if I didn't have sex with him, he'd find some other girl to have sex with anyways."
It's like having a guy come up to you asking for a knife to stab his girlfriend, and you happily offer one.
i'm going to judge bc it happened to my mom and one of my very close friends, and it almost happened to me. put yourself in the woman's shoes who is being cheated on? what if it was your mother or your sister? maybe you have your reasons for cheating, but i'd also check your self esteem.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I agree. There are some people in unspeakable situations who, while I definitely do not condone their decision to cheat, have a living circumstance that makes it difficult to not seek emotional stability elsewhere.
But, usually...a man who cheats is also lax in other ways morally, as far as I've observed in my own family and in other life circumstances. And, in the end, we're all accountable for our own actions.