Wednesday, 04 January 2012
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If You Don’t Work, Then This Relationship Won’t, Either
Before I begin this post, I’d first like to say that I’m sitting at my computer singing “No Scrubs” by TLC. It was inspired when a reader (who I’ll call Anne) sent me the following message:
I am currently “on a break” from the guy I have been dating for over two years. Reason being: He doesn’t have a job (I have two) and he wants to stay on unemployment as long as physically possible – he isn’t even looking, just feeling entitled. I feel as though there are a ton of other girls in this same situation (At least from what I see/hear and the 10% unemployment rate!) What the f is up with these dudes nowadays?! What about supporting your family? It’s like unemployment is okay and ‘a way of life,’ instead of a benefit for times of need. Do you think he will always be this way, or if he gets his 29-year-old ass in gear I should give him another shot
Okay, so boyfriends being bums is a common theme throughout JenAndMen. I brought it up in, Is He Laid Back or A Lazy Hack?, and now I’ll discuss it again. If you’re above the age of 17, and you don’t have a job, you are what TLC describes as a “scrub.” If you are unaware of this glorious song that girls wile out to in clubs and cars everywhere, here’s what they say:
I don’t want no scrub, A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me…Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me. Cuz I’m lookin’ like class and he’s lookin’ like trash, Can’t get wit’ no deadbeat ass. If you live at home wit’ your momma. Oh yes son I’m talking to you. Wanna get with me with no money, Oh no I don’t want no scrub.
Getting to Anne’s particular problem: Let’s talk about unemployment benefits for a moment. In this economy, it’s really hard to find a job. Therefore, unemployment is an amazing assistance that helps many, many people and families. But what if you’re not in need of assistance? What if you are simply on unemployment because it’s “free money” and you can be?
I can completely relate because I have had jobs since I was 15 years old. At one point I had 3 jobs, two internships, and graduate school classes. If you’re busting your ass working and your boyfriend isn’t, I can definitely see it taking a toll on your relationship. And, by the way, there’s a huge difference between not finding a job and not looking for a job. If you spend a good portion of your time searching the job market, but can’t catch a break, this post is not yelling at you.
I would think that dating a guy who has family money is essentially the same as dating a guy on unemployment. Just because you don’t “need” to work for your money, doesn’t mean you should be unmotivated and not look for a job. It’s super unattractive and shows girls (and guys) how you’re going to be in the future when you have a house mortgage, car payments, and a wife/husband and children to support.
Anne, should you take back your boyfriend? It’s honestly a toss-up. On one hand, if you love the guy I’m pretty sure you’ll take him back regardless of his job situation or motivation but, on the other hand, you deserve to be with someone who is motivated and wants to better himself and support his loved ones by achieving a goal beyond claiming his weekly unemployment benefits. Good luck, chick. And let us know what you decide to do!
Are you dating/have you ever dated anyone like Anne’s boyfriend? What did you do? Check out more at www.JenAndMen.com.
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About the Author
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- From: Jenn
- About Me: I have been on more bad dates than I have fingers and toes to count on -- and I'm only in my early twenties! I laugh when I watch 'Sex & the City,' because I've had so many dysfunctional relationships that they might as well as made me their 5th friend. Even so, I used to love going on dates with different guys (now I only let one guy take me out on dates), eating great food, and talking on the phone until 3AM. I never did get over the idea that a guy should treat a girl like a princess -- even if I've encountered one too many frogs.
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Comments (33)
i agree 100%, unless of course he is a full time student, in that case it's okay for him not to have a job since school is his job.
I could NEVER date an unmotivated person.
Agreed. =) I get instantly turned off if a guy is unmotivated and not doing anything with himself. If he can't find a job like you said, ok. But as a busy girl doing school full time and work... hell no.
It's sad that there are guys like that out there. Financial stability plays a major part in long term, serious relationships. Him being unmotivated and financially unprepared for the future does not show that he cares enough to be able to support the girl when she is the one in need of support.
-X-
8.2, not 10.
i thought that in order to get unemployment benefits, you had to submit proof that you were at least looking. is he really trying that hard to cheat the system? cause if that's the case, i'm a lot less concerned about whether anne should take him back, and a lot MORE concerned about when he's going to give me my fucking money back.
I was unemployed for about a year after I graduated from college and I hated it. I had the luxury of living at home so I had my necessities taken care of, but I refused to draw any unemployment money or apply for any unemployment benefits because A). I'd just have been stealing from people with actual needs and B). I was too proud to do it anyways. I wanted to work and I hated when my girlfriend or my parents would have to pay for me because I had no money. Now that I'm working, I feel a lot better.
It goes the other way too though. There's no way I would ever float a sugar mama to stay at home and soak up the money I earn. If it was a family situation with kids involved, I'd have no problem being the breadwinner, but I'm not a sucker or a sugar daddy.
I hated being unemployed - I don't know how people can do it. I got miserable, bored and irritable sitting around at home all day. I don't exactly LOVE my job, but it's a damn sight better than nothing and I'd much rather work than sit around doing nothing all day.
So, I couldn't date someone who just refused to work. All my ex's have had full-time jobs or have been students with at least a part-time job on the side. I can't date someone who can't be bothered to work to support themselves.
You're right on the money with this one (pun intended). ;) I'm from Australia and our unemployment rate is relatively low. But, nothing boils my blood more than lazy good for nothings try to cheat the system by: milking their injury (which entitles them to extra government benefits), doing illegal shady work on the side but most of all, those who are physically and mentally capable of getting a job but decide that it is much easier to live on the back of other people's money.
Like the other posters, I think full time students are one of the exceptions. So I wouldn't judge a guy too harshly if that was the case.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - People who work only seasonally often can get unemployment the other half or 3/4 of the year.
This is 95% why I broke up with my ex. He was unmotivated, didnt want to work hard & just wanted shit to fall in his lap. He had SO many opportunities given to him & he pissed them away. I even spent time & energy recommending schools & jobs. How would we work out if he wasnt working because I damn sure aint taking care of an able bodies lazy ass. Unless you're sick, lost your job & you're looking for one or one of my sons, you're working.
Now if you're in school fulltime, it's a different story. I couldnt work during the week when I had school & externship hours but I took 12 shifts & I worked after school when I could squeeze out the time. Now my ex is all moapy & cursing me but so what. If he had a job, he wouldnt have to sit & think about it all day. What he doesnt know is I know what he did behind my back.
It all depends...I say enjoy him while you can because if he ever lands two jobs you will be complaining about how he does not spend enough time with you. I have been there it happened to me and I heard two nieces and five sisters but all their boyfriends through the same. Good Luck.
@DrummingMediocrity@xanga - I agree that was aa good assessment. And good advice.
i totally agree, my man's gotta work, he cannot be unemployed. it's not fair for me, also he's the man, he should step up to the plate and be a man.
I refuse to believe Jen wrote this.
For me, a guy has to either have a job or be going to school, or both. I mean if a guy loses his job and cannot find one I understand. But if he's not looking, then bye bye buddy. I'm not going to be anyone's sugar mama. I work with this girl whose boyfriend has no job and doesn''t plan on getting one. He lives with his mother rent free. This girl lets the guy take her car and drive around while she's a work and use her gas that she pays for. Honestly, I don't feel bad for her. He even had his parents (who really don't have that much money) pay for this girl's Christmas presents. If you're stupid enough to put up with a guy that has no income, no car, and no motivation, you deserve a jerk like him.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - They don't check you can write anything you want in the part where they ask for confirmation you looked for work. I'd say 90% of the time they don't care though, they just check to see if it's filled in without any extra back checking to make sure it's legit or not. I wrote in a bunch of random names for employees and companies trying to see if they ever checked when I was on it a few years ago, never got flagged and still got my checks, a lot of others I know didn't even fill that part out and got their checks more than 50% of the time.
I've been on unemployment twice, once when I was 20-ish, and again a few years ago. I hate it, but it was a nice break from 14+ hour work days for a while. I worked pretty much non stop since I was 15 too, at one point I had 5 jobs at once (which was pointless, because once I got a decent job I was working less and making more than all 5 combined), so a little break was nice but I still hate being unemployed. Leaves me feeling pathetic and a blight on society.
One of the main reasons I'm still single right now though is because of my unemployment, I refuse to get into a relationship while I'm stuck without a job. Regardless of my feeling like no one should be attracted to me when I can barely afford my own food, I don't want my situation bringing them down or forcing them to feel like they should try and help out. If we've been together for years and then something happens it's still not ideal but ok, starting off that way is just extra strain you don't need. Granted I'm pretty constant looking for work, went back to school, do side freelance work, and other stuff, but without a steady paycheck I just don't feel right.
@Love_never_fails@lovelyish - uh you realize that like...the entire city of new york is car-less, right? i don't own a car now and have no intention of buying one till i'm at LEAST 35.
Part of the reason my previous boyfriend and I split was because of this. He never even looked for a job, he was just waiting for the exact one he wanted to appear one day, minus the effort of looking of course. I honestly have no idea, his logic never made any sense, considering he was also high 24/7. He seriously just sat at home every single day, smoked pot, and played Starcraft II. I'm not even exaggerating either, that is really all he ever did. He wouldn't clean the house or even just pick up after himself. I worked, cleaned, and even cooked mostly. I am extremely glad that I left his lazy ass.
A couple of questions for my girlfriend, regarding my unemployment and my lack of motivation to become employed:
Q: Why is your boyfriend unemployed?
A: He's unemployed because of 4 intertwining things. He doesn't want to work, he's lazy, he's depressed and he has some extreme performance anxieties with regards to work. None of it is something he's incapable of overcoming, but it's all completely up to him if he wants to get better. All I can do is try to be a friend and encourage him down whatever path he is most comfortable with.
Q: Why are you with this guy, who is unemployed and unwilling to work?
A: He treats me well. He doesn't demand anything of me. Everything he receives from me, he treats as if it's a gift rather than a necessity for his love. He isn't someone who demands and feels entitled to everything. If I sensed that he felt entitled to the stuff I've given him, I wouldn't be with him. He expresses gratitude and showers me with affection when I do nice things for him. If he didn't show any gratitude, then I wouldn't be with him. His unemployment is really just his own business in my opinion. He's my boyfriend, not my child. I'm concerned more with how he treats me, rather than how 'successful' he is. The only person who should be concerned about such a thing is himself. He allows me to have my own autonomy, why shouldn't I do the same for him? I've only paid for things out of my own volition. It has not been something he has forced or coerced me to do. And even if he did, he wouldn't have been reaping much benefits because I haven't met very many people as non-materialistic as he is. He seems content enough with just the clothes on his back... He flat-out doesn't seem to desire a whole lot else. And he realizes that if he did, then it would be up to himself to find a way to acquire it on his own.
@Love_never_fails@lovelyish - what's wrong with not having a car? I'm twenty three and I don't have a car. I don't even know how to drive. However, I have a degree and a full-time job. Does me not having a car somehow negate all that?
Having a car is obviously relevant to where you live. Where I live, you should have a working car because there is not good public trans around here. If a guy did not have a car/never had one/didn't care it would make life difficult because it's not like he can hop on the subway and meet me somewhere. It also shows that he's not motivated/well-off, etc. In cities and other places that don't depend on cars as much, not having a car is great. I wish I didn't have to have a car.
@written_conversations@xanga - I'm not saying people who don't drive. I'm saying people who don't drive and bum rides off everyone and don't pay anything towards gas.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Well I don't live in New York nor do I ever plan on it. Where I live there isn't a lot of public transit and people pretty much drive everywhere. I also didn't mean it as people who can't drive for whatever reason. I was referring to scrubs, guys who you and his friends have to drive around because he's broke and jobless and has no intention of changing that. If I lived in NYC I would probably sell my car too.
@Love_never_fails@lovelyish - oh, fair enough, haha :)
this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
the last guy that i was dating had a full time job so i didnt have a probelm, but now i really hate not having a job.. it totally bites..