This post was submitted anonymously.
We've been together since we were 17, we're now 24 and have been living together for 3 years or so. We are each other's first and only everything. He has helped me get through some of the hardest years of my life. If I didn't have him through those times I probably would've gone crazy.
But when I was 19, I did have a time where I feel like I emotionally cheated. I met this guy who I ended up liking more than platonically. In the beginning we were just friends, we had a lot in common and would chat a lot. We never really hung out because I was so busy back then.
I know he liked me too, but he knew I had a boyfriend and we just knew it wasn't going to happen. But I still cared for him, after my boyfriend he would be the next person that I was close with. We kinda drifted more apart as the hard part of my life was coming to an end and I was moving on to finally be on the path I wanted to be on. My boyfriend never knew about him.
Within these last couple of months, I've been thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend and have felt really unhappy. I've had this growing feeling of regret that I haven't dated other people.
So forward to within these last couple of months I've been unhappy and the more I'm with him, our friends, or his family, I want to just run away and do my own thing.
Because of this feeling, I haven't wanted to spend time with him and his family. Usually I would go over to spend the night at his parents' house with him on Christmas eve to Christmas morning, but this year I just went to spend time with my mom and spent the night at her house.
Then on Christmas day, I had a family gathering I had to go to that was closer to where my boyfriend and I live and decided to go back there instead of to his parents' house. I was supposed to go pick up my boyfriend in the morning on the 26th and bring him back to our home.
So I'm sitting at my computer watching videos when the guy from my past messages me saying, "Merry Christmas."
We then ended up chatting and catching up with each other about what the other person has been up to these past couple of years. Since I was so frustrated with my life and my boyfriend I asked if we can meet to sit and chat. So I met him up at like 1 in the morning at one of those diner places and chatted for a couple of hours about my life.
I get home at about like 5 in the morning, and because of that I sleep in 'till about 1PM. My boyfriend then asks me why I was so late, and I lied to him saying I was watching videos till late and that is why I was tired.
The next day my boyfriend invited a couple of our guy friends over to where we live to hang out and play games. But I was feeling restless and didn't want to be there so I left at 3PM and went to go see my mom and then contacted my old friend to see if he wanted to hang out.
We ended up having dinner with his cousins and then went on an adventure with one of his cousins to another state, because I wanted to do something outrageous and spontaneous. My boyfriend calls me multiple times but I don't answer because frankly I didn't want him to know what I was doing.
I return at about 6 in the morning and he asks where I was. I then lied to him again about who I was with. He then confronts me about lying to him about what I've been doing the last couple of days because he went through my messages to see where I could have been. On one hand, I was a little mad but understood it was because he was worried about me since I wasn't answering his phone calls.
So now we're at this weird point. In two quarters I'm going to finally graduate from college and have a real job. We've always talked about being real adults and getting married the next year. But as it gets closer and closer to that point I'm having doubts and regrets. I feel like I need to date other people to know if this is what I want, and to get this feeling of regretting not dating other people off of me.
So do I stay with him and know that I'm in a relationship that is for the most part great prior to me feeling like this, or do I break up with him to fulfill this idea of dating other people?
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Comments (98)
well, from experience i can say being with just one person sounds really nice. -- before you leave that behind think about if this is a phase or if you've felt disconnected for a while. it sounds like just a phase to me, but make sure your leave is worth it before you leave it behind.
being honest dating is excellent and dating is disapointing. so just make sure whatever you decide is the right decision, but be honest with him and tell him where you're at and how you feel-- don't shut him out. technically you've been together for about 7 years which is longer than a lot of marriages last. every moment wont always be absolutely hot- and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. so just really tune into what you truly want. and definately think about things,
In my opinion, you are cheating. You're spending time with another person who you are interested in and you're lying to your boyfriend about it. What does that say about you and your relationship to your boyfriend? Only you can make the decision to leave or stay, but grow some balls and be honest with him. You've been together for a long time and he deserves HONESTY. If you marry this guy and you're unhappy, you can divorce him... but think of all the unnecessary pain you'll have put him through. You can leave him to pursue some other guy, but he could turn into a total asshole. Stop being selfish and make a decision. This guy you're with is getting shitted on.
well... you're being fucking shady.
The phrase the grass is always greener on the other side comes to mind. I had a friend who did almost this exact thing and she STILL cries over it. And I agree with the above poster, you're being shady and you need to nut up and tell him.
you're doing exactly what my ex did, and we dated for 4 years. i definitely think you should take a break and figure out whether this is a simply a phase or a suppressed emotion that's been dying to come out. it's not fair for your bf to be waiting around while you explore your options, keeping him as a backup in case things with the other guy don't work out. honesty is always the best policy, and there's only so many lies he'll take before he turns around and leaves. i know because i left; no one deserves that.
@eatdrinkandbemaryy@xanga - Meh, let her go fulfill this fantasy, realize what an idiot she is then come crawling back to nothing
Man up, scrub.
If you have to deceive the one you are with to do stuff, shouldn't be with them. That simple.
So, if you're unhappy, why are you running away from your BF instead of actually talking to him? If you don't know, then you don't know, but running around with this guy is going to actually get you in trouble. Like the "I'm sorry; it just happened..." kind of trouble.
Don't go from one person to the next. That's an awful idea. If you need a break, take it. If you want to have fun with someone else, do it....but don't lead your BF on. He probably already realizes that you've changed anyway, and this is probably hurting him more than you know.
Be honest with him; tell him this relationship was everything you ever wanted when you first got together, but now you aren't sure what you want. Tell him that you're not ready to marry him (I'm not passing judgement on you, things just go that way sometimes).
Neither one of you has very much experience and if you're feeling like this now I can only imagine how you'll feel if you marry, a couple of years go by and the reality of being committed to a marriage that isn't making you happy sets in. DO NOT get married until you're sure it's what you want and he is without question the person you want to be with.
Marriage is tough on it's best days. Don't make things worse by pushing forward when you have doubts and reservations. If you go into it now, feeling the way you do, your marriage will fail.
Explain your doubts and fears to him. It will hurt, but it will be so much worse if you wait.
You've been with your boyfriend about 8 years, and you're doing this to him? Don't you think he deserves better than that?
Seriously? If you're having these feelings, you shouldn't even be considering getting married.
You won't be happy in a relationship as long as you're having these doubts, and, quite frankly, he deserves better than a girl that hides these kind of doubts from him and cheats on him.
No offense, but if you're going to meet another guy behind your boyfriend's back and then lie to him about it, you don't deserve either of them. I wouldn't want to be some girl's cheat who's already in a relationship, 'cause if she'll cheat with you, she'll probably eventually cheat on you. There are plenty of choices you have in this situation, but lying to your boyfriend is absolutely not the right one. This sounds to me like a situation that could end with the two of you getting a divorce if you can't learn to be happy with him, and that's a horrible thing to go through.
I'll bet you could be happy with him, but the first thing you need to do is be honest with him. He doesn't deserve to be lied to by someone he loves. If the relationship were going badly because he weren't treating you right, that'd be one thing, but because you're curious about what it would be like to be with other guys? The feeling of a new love interest is exciting, but it doesn't last very long. It's an awful feeling to get addicted to, because you'll end up breaking a lot of hearts by chasing that high. You've already found a guy who you know cares for you and could provide for you, and you might end up really regretting having let him go. You may never end up finding a guy as great as he is ever again. Don't hurt him if you don't have to, and don't end the relationship unless it makes you miserable, which I don't suspect it does. You're the one with the problem, not your boyfriend.
I'm going through the same thing right now and I have no idea what I'm doing.
Personally, I think having these feelings in ANY long-term relationship is natural. I don't think it's wrong to be feeling what you're feeling. HOWEVER, this guy has been with you through SO much, meant SO much to you. I once heard it said that a commitment is simply a choice you make every day, as many times as are necessary - which isn't easy. Relationships take work, LOVE takes work, and that's something too few people realize. If you walk away now, walking away in the future will get easier and easier, and there's a good chance you'll find yourself unable to commit, wondering whatever happened to that one guy from so long ago...
So, my take is stick with him, come clean about your crisis of faith, and let him know that you made your decision.
You really need to be honest with him but feeling like you missed out is completely normal. To stay with one person and to have never experienced other people in that way can have it's drawbacks like anything else. I dated my last boyfriend for 6 years until we decided to break up and at least attempt to see other people. It's hard and it feels like they're the only person for you but especially when you're young and not tied down by children or marriage it's the best time to really experiment and find out what you really want. Cause what we wanted when we were 16 is not the same as what we want now that we are 22. It doesn't hurt to try but you have to communicate with him. He, nor anyone else, is forcing you to stay in this relationship. You have to own up to the feelings you're having and make a choice.
@xxfl1@xanga - If you truly love him you need to stay with him and work through this. If you feel you can live without him and wouldn't mind seeing him with someone else or even marry someone else, then you should break it off before you get married.
there could be someone better for you out there. or maybe the best one for you is your bf. i had a perfect first boyfriend too. we literally could see ourselves getting married right from the start. and yeah, if i did marry him, i wouldnt have gotten to see what it was like with other guys. but something in my heart told me that despite all the perfection, i wanted something else. i wanted a different guy. he is so hardworking. and i didnèt know it cuz i was only 21, but i dont want to be with a workaholic. now ive been with my current bf who isnt a workaholic but i think we;re much more meant to be. you have to follow your heart. it may tell you to stay or it may tell you to go.
Oh, by the way, what you're going through is actually common enough that the term 'Seven-Year Itch' has been coined for it. Appropriate enough for you, if my math is correct!
I personally wouldn't develop a serious relationship with any one girl if I desired to meet other women. I would have a casual relationship at best with one just so I can bridge out to other women. After all, women seem to be more attracted to men who have women around their arms than guys wandering around alone with no one.
If I had to guess what is gonna happen: You're gonna cheat on him (physically), eventually break up with him, mess around with a bunch of different dudes and realize what assholes most of them are. You've probably falling out of love with your boyfriend so doing all your doing is something you can justify to yourself. You still owe it to him to be honest. Fuck, if I were with someone for 7 years (and living with this person for 3) and he was sneaking behind my back (and lying about it) I would think what a fucking waste of all those years.
I don't usually try to be harsh but you really need to think about the consequences you're making.
Taking time to date others may ruin any chance you have with your current boyfriend. Is it worth that risk?
Hmm I dated a guy for 3.5 years and we came to a point where we were wondering if we were going to be each other's first and last loves. We talked a bit about this topic, I knew without thinking too much that I wouldn't want to possibly give him up to date more guys, but he had more trouble deciding. We ended up breaking up. I really felt like his hesitation matched up with how he felt about me. The guy I'm with now REALLY truly loves me. He appreciates my morals, my beliefs, my ways of thinking - something I never got from that first boyfriend.
I think if you're having slight doubts, that's normal, but if you really are stuck, I just don't think that's a good sign for the relationship. If you're so doubtful that you want him and only him for decades to come, I don't think you should marry him.
Be honest with him. If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want your boyfriend to tell you the truth? And seeing as how the two of you are super close and you're seeking attention from somebody else shows that you are restless or unhappy with this relationship. I think you should talk to your boyfriend and figure things out before you keep meeting up with this guy. Lying and non-communication can easily break a relationship. Like what the other people are saying, if you do decide to go on a break or break up with him, make sure it is the absolutely right choice and you will not regret it before doing so.
Some of the best advice I ever received in this type of situation was something along the lines of, what seems worse-being in the relationship, toughing it out through the rough parts, or ending the relationship and being without that person forever? I'm sure you still care about your boyfriend, but you need to be honest with yourself and with him too. Hope everything works out:)