Saturday, 31 December 2011
-
Dirty Sex Talk: A Turn On or a Turn Off?
One week ago I went out on a date with a guy whom I knew very… let us say "lightly" or as you wish: "barely." We spoke on the phone, we wrote on the Internet and I thought to myself, "Hell, why not? He is pretty nice!" The date itself was pretty pleasant, but what came afterwards made me feel somewhat unsettled, uneasy, and bothered. So, let me get to the point: What happened? As you can probably deduce from the title of my post: His sex talk!Now, I have encountered this many times before, I either ignored it or just accepted it, but this was one time too far, one time too many!
He went on telling me about his favorite sex position (after I refused to tell him mine. Uhmm, hello? We just met?) and how he would love to get it going with me. Seems like I am no longer so accepting of the fact that what men really want to do is just have sex with me.
Seems like all my graduate, postgraduate and doctorate education is not getting me anywhere in the dating department. My only value to those men is my body! (Okay, fine, some of them said that I have class and that I am a great person to converse with, but it's not helping me!)
So I decided to get some insight from our slightly older generations, those who were born in the 30's, the 60's. I just asked: "Did someone ever tell you directly how they would like to… have you?" and after a moment of silence and pure surprise I heard "No, why would anyone say that in the first place?" I also shared my recent encounter and the entire situation was summed up with one word: "Nasty."
It does not matter if the guy is in his 20's or his 30's, he will still say those things to me.
Alright, I do not have a problem when a boyfriend does it. Hell, I will use the dirty talk as well! But after one or two meetings? Seriously?
Am I old-fashioned here or are men really so demoralized and disrespectful that they have no problem showing women that all they are in their eyes are sex toys? What caused all of this in the first place? The commercialization of sex? The porn industry?
P.S. I am pretty much sure that there are many decent, respectful guys out there -I would love to hear from you!
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: myhometownglory@xanga
- Name: Katya Lebedeva
- Location:
- About Me: I'm bored and you're boring!!!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 5 Views: 0 34509 Comments: 0 361 View all posts by myhometownglory@xanga
Comments (60)
Was it made clear what your expectations were? Unless you say "I'm really interested in just getting to know you, not jumping into sex" then I would not say it's completely out of line for someone to inquire about you, sexually. As long as it wasn't inappropriate name calling or other things that are clearly offensive, that is. I think it's good to communicate what you're looking for so those people who are looking to jump into sex quickly know they are with someone who feels the same, and the same for someone who isn't looking for that. I was thinking you meant dirty talk like calling someone names in the bedroom which you should always ask first. Not everyone likes that. I don't think going on a date with someone and asking them about sex means they saw you as a sex toy, though. I think this shows the opposite end of the spectrum. Many men are thought of as sex-crazed when they bring up sex. Many women are thought of as prudish when we deny it. We just need to tell people what we want and go from there.
@lorelei@xanga - hey, I am straight-forward when it comes down to saying about what I want... trust me, I *really* make it clear that what I want, is something... solid, a relationship, not a fuck-buddy deal or whatever. YET, I still hear what I hear!
@myhometownglory@xanga - Sounds like a not too bright guy then!
I'm a good bit older than you. Maybe this is more common than it once was due to it being more accepted to talk, dress and exhibit sexually than it was in previous decades, but it's not something brand new. There have always been men who are frank, honest, and pushy about what they want sexually.
Why? Because it works for them. There are women who respond positively to such talk, and that is who they are looking for, a woman who wants to get to it, and quickly. If you are not that woman, then such talk will turn you off and they won't be wasting any more of their time with you.
There have always been and will always be men who are only interested in sex with particular women. It doesn't mean all men are that way, or that all men will view YOU that way. In a sense this guy is doing you a favor, making it clear right up front, what his interest is. You won't be getting your heart engaged with someone only to find 8 weeks from now all he wanted was some fun in bed.
Well the ad that showed up on this page doesn't help your cause much. American Apparel: Sweaters and Panties showing two scanitly clad girls. Irony? Maybe I'm just not one of those decent respectable fellows you were hoping for.
Hmm I know a lot of guys and girls who jump straight into sex talk. Kind of just the way a lot of people are nowadays. At the same time, in the 30's and even the 60's sex was still a big taboo. If you talked to people from the 70's you might have gotten a different answer heh. I don't really like talking to people about sex, especially not what I want to do to them right away. I'm very sexual though, so I'm pretty sure sex will be a topic at most conversations eventually, still I'm shy so never is it like "Oh I would do this and that to you." But I feel more like I'm the exception rather than the rule, so I wouldn't be too surprised if most guys you date tell you they want to have sex with you, because really if they didn't want to have sex with you at all they probably wouldn't want to date you, they would just want to be your really good friend.
@lorelei@xanga - see, it did not happen only once...! and that is why it started to bother me...
On a side-note, I had a very bad experience with this actually (with men NOT listening), when I was younger, when I was far too unexperienced, I had a crush on a 38 year old man... he knew that I was a "rookie", he knew that I wanted a relationship, something long-term, but only after he seduced me, after I developed a crush on him did he confess to me that all that he wanted was a sex-fun buddy. I still remember when I simply left his apartment and never came back. I dated him only because I thought that a man his age would want... something serious :-/ [and no, I did not sleep with him]@ccccourage@xanga - thank you for sharing... and EXACTLY! such men reveal themselves right off the bat and thanks to that I know that it would be pure nonsense to carry on with anything :) seems like in every bad there is a small particle of good... :)))
@Shadowrunner81@xanga - hahahaha!!! I just noticed the ads... lmfao...!!! even the internet learned how to be sarcastic, who knew!?!
@JusticeCho@xanga - :))) yeah, you sound like you are subtle about the sex talk and that is pretty plausible to me!!! :) haha, I need to hunt for someone who was born in the 70's... but you see, there is no rule to it... it all depends... the culture, the upbringing, the nationality... it is a pretty complex thing when you think about it! could make a book material... hmmm! ;)
Well to be blunt, your profile picture kind of screams sex. If you're anything like that in real life, I'd totally hit it and quit it if I were a guy.
Wait wut, "What caused all of this in the first place? The commercialization of sex? The porn industry? "
I assure you, as long as their has been sex it has been commercialized.
@LightBlue21@xanga - lol! no... I do not even wear red lipstick when I leave my home, because believe me or not: I do not like to draw attention once I am away from my nest aka. "safe house" :) so you can trust me, it is "just a picture"!
@Kevin_is_a_pirate@xanga - I am not sure how sex was supposed to be commercialized let us say... in the Ancient times? Medieval times? (lol, I just tried to picture Julius Caesar watching porn on a computer made out of a big marble block - hah, too much champagne for me!) anywaaaay... EVEN if, sex was NOT commercialized to such an extent (as today) even a century ago, because people did not have access to TVs, the internet, tens of porn magazines. So uhm, I disagree with you mann.
@myhometownglory@xanga - Think you should read this. http://www.cracked.com/article_19575_5-ridiculous-sex-myths-from-history-you-probably-believe.html
@Kevin_is_a_pirate@xanga - I think you are missing my point over here... I did not write that people did not think about sex or have urges or whatever back in the days. My point is that things related to sex became less subtle, less prudent and pretty much omnipresent. And most likely, back in the Victorian era, if a man said something to a woman (just after meeting her, along the lines of what I personally hear sometimes), he probably would get a major bitch-slap. Now, tell me that I am wrong.
Anyway, read some letters between lovers from those times... the XVIIth century, for instance. And do not use cracked.com as your source. It is really amateur. Once a serious historian writes something about this topic, I am going to take the writing seriously.
@myhometownglory@xanga - did you read the part after that? About how the puritans had sex in public places? That's alot less subtle than now a days, and sure it's a cracked article that just means they throw in dick jokes it's not like they don't cite their sources.
Naw, some men have been pigs forever. More men have asked me to have sex with them (even before asking me my name) than men who asked to date me. I don't know what it is. But women have been dealing with this for eternity. It's nothing new.
@Kevin_is_a_pirate@xanga - I'd actually bet that it is less sexual now than in the past, especially in America. This kind of stuff used to happen all the time with some men who felt they could overpower "lesser" women. But now we call it what it is-- sexual harassment and an offense that the woman can sue the man over.
"are men really so demoralized and disrespectful that they have no problem showing women that all they are in their eyes are sex toys?"
What you're seeing isn't guys thinking all women are sex toys. What you're seeing is separate instances in which men just wanted sex rather than a relationship. There's nothing immoral about that. I wouldn't view it as immoral if a man just wanted sex, and I wouldn't view it as immoral if a woman just wanted sex. If, when you turned this guy down, he decided to hold you down and fuck you... Then yeah, it could be reasonably argued that he treated you like an object. But because he didn't do that, he must have realized that you're a human being that has the right to say no to a rather amoral proposition. So, in essence, he didn't "objectify" you. He just wanted sex with you (a human being). Had you wanted the same thing from him, would anyone say that you "objectified" him? Unlikely.
On the off-chance that a person would find that to be "objectification"... Then I'd have to wonder why objectification is such a bad thing. People are fucking and some assholes think it represents a crumbling society. Lets all cry about people having sex with each other!
haha. it's completely normal!!
http://youtu.be/s64DUJ--Ljs?t=35s
um. first off, unless you literally say X you can't expect people to perceive X. this part isn't a personal comment, but a general one. most girls say Y thinking it means X.
i spent a good hour the other day teaching a girl that starting your message/comment of turning someone down with "i'm sorry but..." doesn't remotely discourage the behavior regardless of what follows.
considering how highly schooled you are, i'm going to leave that topic there.
if saying "ew... bye" (exit stage left) doesn't stop the sexual harassment, it is entirely on the guy. that approach is forward enough for nearly anyone to understand.
most people hide behind those facades of common social characters/archetypes. they use vulgar non-personal advances to hit on someone without experiencing emotional risk. and women think men are just trying to get laid anyway so there is little downside.
it has to do with women being generally on the 'accepting' side of the advance. the dynamic isn't rooted in gender/anatomy, but in gender roles. the 'twilight moms' framed relative to the twilight stars, are a perfect example of this.
... anyway i find dirty talk, and excessively graphic unwarranted sexual/biological disclosures, a major turn off.
flirting and double entendres are neutral.
talking about sex in that manner in the beginning would turn me off.
This guy is clearly just a horndog
You deserve better. Cut off contact with him.
it happened before. but sometimes when I do the dirty talk first, the guy would be like...I'm not like those guys! once we get that out of the way, then we can talk normally about funny random stuff instead like friends
and it might progress to more. so I beat him to the punch and reverse the tables. but it only works if the guy is actually decent lol but yeah, I prefer to reserve the dirty talk for a special someone than someone that I barely know and I'm not looking for a fling.
@myhometownglory@xanga - Yeah would probably make an interesting book, or at least an article in a scientific journal if nothing else.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - in general, sure, it may be nothing new, but to me... it is something new to deal with...
@lenybobsyouruncle@xanga - you see, I am not really accepting since I just tell such a dude "mann, this is not going to work out" lol and I always find it funny when the guy asks "but... why?" There is basically no self-awareness amongst people nowadays. Flirting is awesome, but one (especially a woman) has to be careful about it, because some men think "she flirts = she wants sex". Ah, Happy New Year btw! ;)
@wing_stock@xanga - oh trust me, I did ;)
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "I'm not like those guys" is a truly epic line which makes my inner missy-sissy chuckle for the rest of the day ;)
@JusticeCho@xanga - I will look into it! Unfortunately, it takes time to gather LEGITIMATE sources -especially on a topic like this... I have to take care of my Ph.D. business first... then I will write about whatever I dream of writing about!!! ;)