Saturday, 31 December 2011
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Boys Don't Like Me
For years I've been "the girl without a boyfriend." I've managed to slide through high school without even the prospect of a potential mate. I've fallen for guys, but nothing ever came of it. Either they were way too old, totally disinterested, or a wonderful combination of the two. After a certain point, you sort of get sick of bothering and just try to adapt to a spinster, cat-loving lifestyle. I've never really had a problem with being alone, but in times of great need (or when I'm in heat), it gets a little frustrating.
For years I had problems with self-esteem (Mom: Boys don't like fat girls), and I've managed to accept myself and overcome these hurdles, for the most part. Isn't confidence what everyone says men look for? Aside from a bangin' bod? Apparently not. Maybe it's the fact that I'm socially awkward, or that I tend to over-compensate for my nervousness by being a complete idiot, but after a while, shouldn't they just see me as someone who is, well, fucking rad?
Pretty much my strategy with guys has always been "try to be their friend, then something more" but lately, I've been striking out in even making friends with guys. Maybe they sense my, I don't want to call it desperation, because I'm most certainly not desperate (see: cat lady reference), intensity.
Maybe they're intimidated by my great beauty (a joke, kind of), maybe I've just never encountered the right fella in my eighteen and a half years. There are probably hundreds of reasons why I've never been with anyone, but after a while I just have to boil it down to: "It's not you, it's me." Literally.
How often to you strike out with the opposite sex? Do you care if you're single or not?
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About the Author
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- From: thingamabobbie@xanga
- Location: Canada
- About Me: I'm Marissa. I am highly neurotic. I like Starbucks in heavy and sugar-filled amounts.
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Comments (93)
I have simular problems.. only I can only seem to find guys that want a friends with benefits relationship. Way worse (in my opinion) than being completely single. I have a problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve and I develop feelings and get hurt.
I always strike out (with two exceptions, but those ended badly anyway...). Being single sucks, especially when you don't have many friends. There's just nothing to do alone, really.
You'll meet someone. You're 18... You'll date plenty of boys. If you're still single at 50, then maybe you can reconsider the whole cat lady idea.. but I'm sure that's not gonna happen. Besides, it's way more fun being single when you're young.
your about me says that you're highly neurotic; maybe that's why
it isn't such a bad thing though. I'm weird and some guys say I'm weird but my current guy doesn't think I'm weird but normal because he can relate to me. so our weirdness becomes compatible. that's probably what happened.
Your mother told you that boys don't like fat girls?!! If she did, that is just awful. You are beautiful and you will find someone. They might actually find you. Being single can be really fun. :) Everything is going to be what you make of it. I will say i've never tried to be a guys friend that i wanted to have something more with. I've always made my intentions clear. Because if a guy tries to friend me, chances are that is all he will be to me. Anyway, that is just what i do. :) :)
I used to desperately want a girlfriend, but as I grew up I realize stressing out over it can make things worse. Besides I'm not the type to get a girl as easy as most guys. I am too "shy". I guess is the word to describe myself. I have had plenty of girls as just friends. It sucks, but at least I have friends?
I don't strike out as you say since I never put myself in the batter's box to begin with heh.
You sound like you aren't confident, and like you said - people are attracted to confidence.
Even though it's hard, don't be hanging on to that idea; that "boys don't like you" and you must find a lover asap. I find when I'm completely preoccupied with finding a sweetheart, there is no one to be found. But when you pick up hobbies, and hang out with friends, and go places, you'll be surprised who you meet. Smile often if you're worried about the intimidation. Many people think I'm intimidating with a straight face, so I try to smile and laugh a lot, let the easy things amuse. I've been single for a while, because every boy I seem to date is just off. And when I am with a boy that's well, we've always managed to have an open unlabeled relationship. Go with the flow, you'll meet someone. But really, don't hang on to the idea.
I'm in pretty much the same boat. I don't get much attention from guys. I'm usually the friend, never the girlfriend, but it never bothered me. What bothered me was that I developed girly crushes on some guy who barely knew I existed. I'm past that now (I hope).
I'm not actively searching for a boyfriend, because I don't think that's the way to go about it. I don't need a boyfriend, I'm happy enough on my own, but I still do want someone to hold me etc.
I'm gonna continue being happy on my own, but keep my options open. I think that's the best strategy :)
i wish i had friends =\
In my teens and early twenties I was obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship. Yet, I didnt want to be with just anybody! You have all these ideas of how its going to be or whatever. Now that Im 31 I've been in enough relationships to know that I have put the whole entire thing on a pedestal. All the envy, yearning, deep seeded desires are balanced or swinging into the realm of total disinterest.
In high school guys wanted me but they wanted sex. Not much changes as you get older either. All that B.S. about people loving you for your inner beauty is fine in the land of make believe. And even if you find someone and they DO love you it doesnt mean it will work out or that its guaranteed to last.
Relationships do NOT gurantee you ANYTHING.
When I was bawling my eyes out to my brother about a relationship that had ended, and I was thinking I was terribly flawed because nothing was the Hollywood story I hoped it would be- He reminded me that ANY moron can be in a relationship, just watch the Jerry Springer show. Does that mean they are happy? Does it mean they are better off because they are married and with kids? No way!
I understand that its hard to find a balance right now because you simply havent had all the boys, relationships, sex that you want. Its hard to have perspective. But if I could wish anything for you right now, and I mean anything... it wouldnt be that you land in a relationship. It would be that you go live your life and have shit loads of fun doing all the things that make you insanely happy and unique. I'd want you to travel and take classes in things that interest you.
Men and sex is going to happen for you one day. I dont care if you think you are an ugly troll.... because if transgendered, mascot wearing, mud wrestling little people (referencing the talk shows again) can find love... so can anyone. There is someone out there for everyone...
But happiness? Love? As I said is never a guarantee... so please live your life in the insanely happy way I mentioned and dont torture yourself with what you "think" is missing.
I always strike out or get hit on by 13 yr old girls. That's a problem when I'm 26. But I never actively search out people. Plus I don't go to bars or school. So, meeting people is quite a hassle. Aside from the people I hang out with I don't socialize much. And Online dating isn't really an option since I don't feel like paying for it. But I'm pretty sure I'll never get married since I'm never in a relationship for more than 3 months. Things just don't work out. Imagine I'll grow old by myself and if I have kids raise them by myself. Which is preferable to raising them with someone I dislike. Other than the occasional interest in being a couple. I'm happy by myself.
You're 18. Let's do some math. At most, realistically, you've been "eligible" for no more than 6 years and that's being liberal. To have something that even hints at what might become a serious relationship, you're looking at more like one or two years, at best. You've either just finished high school or are in your last year...
I'd put the cat lady thing on hold for just a little bit longer. At least until maybe next weekend?
And working on the neuroticism might help too. Or, at least, let people discover it for themselves. I'm no dating counselor, but leading with that could be something of a turn off.
Happy New Year
I din't date till I was 28. It'll happen eventually just like yourself and be yourself and don't give up, never give up.
I never got a girl to like me in high school either. At least none of the ones I wanted. I had a semi gf thingy that lasted two weeks and that was right near the end of my senior year. But I remember all of elementary, middle and high school desperately wanting a girlfriend and feeling worthless because I couldn't get one. When you get older things just happen, basically once I stopped worrying about it I got girls. I would just suggest be yourself, live your life and let come what may. Not that if you think you have a shot you should just sit around and wait for it to happen on its own, but the less you think about it the more likely it's going to happen. Kinda like that a watched pot never boils. Obviously it will, but while you're focused on it, the longer and more painful it seems.
Good luck.
Seriously. Single > relationship any day of the week. Just get yourself a cat. They're much less annoying and frustrating than boyfriends.
Your 18, dont worry about it.
Are you me? I'm taking the spinster life. If it didn't happened at 16 its not going to happen now at 22. Especially since my my social life from bad to non existent and I've become more withdrawn. I've given up. I'm not sure if its the same for you but if you still have friends then enjoy the single life and don't become me.
You are young. Enjoy being single , figuring out who you are, and the kind of person you want to have in your life. I doubt you'll end up being a cat lady, unless you want to be a cat lady.
To this day I am still completely surprised that I ever even had the girlfriends that I did when I was 17 - 20. What were they thinking? HA HA. I was completely undefined at that age with no specific plans, goals or ambitions. But a few did like me for whatever reason.
Now that I look back at it, I realise that if I had not had these girlfriends (like if I were completely undateable), it would have left me messed up in the head as the years passed. You only get one shot at your youth and if you don't have enough passionate experiences, I feel that it can become all-consuming and make you overcompensate in your 30's, 40's and beyond.
Less sugar at Starbucks might help with your weight issue. I have read a few articles in mainstream magazines about women who are mentally / physically exhausted because any exercise that they do only goes to barely keeping them treading water ... because they consume about 700 - 800 calories a day a Starbucks. Or, they exercise really hard and then figure that they 'deserve' a treat for working out so hard. Thus, defeating the goal. I've done that as well.
Ok, so I have a lot of problems with food & a couple times now I have ended up heavier. I hate it. My self esteem is rock bottom, I feel tired & fat all the time.. it's gross. When I manage to make myself eat right & exercise, I feel amazing, & when I shed pounds I feel confident & sexy, which would make guys like me at any weight.
My point is, get yourself a diet/exercise program. Not only will you feel amazing, but your self confidence will skyrocket. & remember; it's not about getting thin, but getting strong & healthy.
I'm one of those people that seem to always be in some sort of relationship with the opposite sex. Whether it may be just a "friends with benefits," just simply platonic, or something romantic. I try not to let the fact that I am single ever bother me. Instead, I just see it as a positive and upside and try to take it as fate having a plan for me. I take the time I am alone to be alone and appreciate it and grow. I take it to claim my independence. I'm not going to lie though. I do get lonely but I just try to see the upside of being single. I get to do whatever I want and whenever I want.
Two girls (who I find super-cute) told me that I was the first guy to like them even though they were both over 18 and attractive (in my eyes!). I was totally surprised.
So...maybe...you just need to wait?
Girl, you're 18. I know how you feel though. I was one of those girls at school that never had a guy like her in class or had a bf. Sure, plenty of crushes, and plenty of guys I "talked" to. But even the talking was later on in life. My only "bfs" were far away and they were internet dates. And when I finally met them, disaster is all I can say. But I found my first real bf at the age of 17, and it was when I WASN'T looking. So stop looking. He will find you..and yeah, you might seem a bit desperate and so guys are staying away. Trust me, it's the little things that make them feel weird and stay away from you, even at the friend level. Oh, and my gorgeous best friend is still single. Shes talked to plenty of guys, but shes 20 and never had a bf. She thinks shes going to be single forever, but that's because of her "push away" style. Just chill. You're going to be fine.