My boyfriend and I have been dating a few months and things moved along very quickly for us. While some of my friends tell me that it's been a little too fast, my boyfriend and I are completely fine at the rate things are going. We know what we want, we're in love and we're not afraid to show it. In fact, things are going so well that we decided that in a year from now, we want to seriously discuss moving in together. My only question though is, have you ever heard the saying "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?"
I have heard many different mixed reviews on moving in together before marriage. Some couples say it's a must-do and others say it will ruin your relationship. I mean, in my situation, we're practically living together now. I'm always over there and we spend so much time together so I feel like it's the next step. The only thing that keeps running through my head is that I really would love for this man to one day be my husband and I'm just scared that he's gonna get too comfortable and possibly not ask me to marry him. There is such a thing as being too comfortable. He is totally for it, though. He thinks we
need to do it. I'm not sure I share the same sentiment but I would do it for him.
So I'm interested to hear from datingish readers ..
would you move in with a lover before marriage? Have you? Has it hurt/helped your relationship?
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Comments (70)
i have mixed feelings about moving in together with your SO.
in one way, I would not move in with my boyfriend before marriage. because my morals do not allow me to. I find its inappropriate even though you spent so much time at his place that you practically lived there. but it's still not the same. I feel like I want to have my own place from my boyfriend. I want to be my own person with a home that I can called my own. and if anything happens, when you still have your own home to back to.
but in another way, if things are so serious between you guys, what is the difference between living together now and after you get married right? Also it is a perfect way to see how you guys will be when you are living together, to see if you guys are the right match. You guys can be the perfect couple outside, but actually cannot stand the way he puts his toothbrush or the way he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink.
I am very picky about this. but I still don't think I would live with my boyfriend before we get married. I like traditions.
i'm actually going through the same issue right now. =/
i live in a 2 family house. my mom's sister is the owner and she doesn't exactly always have an open mind. i figured my boyfriend moving in wouldn't be such a big deal, but one day that all changed when my mother told me that my aunt(her sister) had asked her if my sister who has a baby and a fiance if they were living here because they stayed overnight one night. so my mom kind of made it seem like it'd be an issue that a significant other would move in. things have been so tense in my house since then between my family and i, but i try and take one day at a time.
my mother is not the type of person who is laid back on the idea of taking someone in. i was even surprised she and my father were okay with my boyfriend moving in until my aunt chymed in. my mother isn't exactly making the decision easy on me right now. my mother is very demanding and whatnot. she basically rules the roost.
so now i'm questioning myself "is it even worth my boyfriend moving in?" i most certainly don't want my mother up my butt or my boyfriend's butt 24 hours a day 7 days a week. so now the question is "do i go and get my own place with my boyfriend or if my aunt is okay with my boyfriend moving in have him move in?" .. i don't want my relationship to fall apart with my boyfriend because of my mother. i don't want to be stressed my last semester.
but in all honesty, i was always the type of person who would want to live with their significant other before marriage to get a dose of what it's like to deal with this person paying bills, having responsibilities and all of that. some people don't need to do that ... they just figure it out when it all comes together and sometimes it doesn't work out.
I would never recommend it. One of my friends was living with her boyfriend, they talked about marriage, and everything seemed to be going well...but then they broke up, and they still had to live with each other for a bit. (How awkward is that?) There are also statistics that couples who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing later on.
Just because you're in love right now, it doesn't mean you'll always be together. Emotions can change over time, and you've only been dating for a few months.
Also, if you guys are in love and are willing to live with each other, what's keeping you from getting married? And don't shrug off what your friends are saying...they've probably known you longer than your boyfriend, right? Also, are you sure you want to compromise your values for a guy that's not 100% committed to you?
I agree with cute_sushi@xanga. She's right about the higher risk of divorce in the later run. All research says it.
I feel like many people think the "next step" is moving in together, but in reality, the next step is marriage. Moving in together is like getting all the benefits of marriage without the commitment. It's a fake. To say it's necessary "to make sure you're REALLY right for each other," is silly because no matter what, after marriage, people change. Cohabitation gives you false expectations, because people are still presenting a 'front,' or their best selves since they're still not married yet. Then after marriage, when people change and get comfortable, the couple gets bitter and upset, (like "this isn't want I signed up for!") blame the marriage (instead of cohabiting) and get a divorce.
Plus, moving in together, and paying rent and sharing bills together... it makes breaking up harder if one of you ends up falling out of love. Cause now you put way more money into the relationship or you owe more money.
Don't do it. Professionals say so. My boyfriend started talking about moving in together after us dating a few months, when I brought this news to my therapist (a licensed social worker/counselor) she told me absolutely not. She actually said the same thing you've heard about, "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?". If in a year his feelings for you are just as strong he needs to ask you to marry him. Otherwise why give him the benefits of living with him for nothing? His feelings will change, and he will become complacent if you live with him prior to marriage. Good luck, I hope your relationship works out! Heck I hope all of our relationships work out and we walk down that aisle and have happy marriages :)
For all the people that say that moving into together ruins relationships or most of the people they have known that lived together before marriage end up splitting up...
What makes you think that it wouldn't have happened once they got married?
Some people are incompatible, whether they are living together before marriage, or after marriage.
And in my own opinion, you have a better chance of knowing whether you are marrying the right person when YOU TEST IT OUT FIRST.
Just because you have a marriage certificate saying that you are bonded til death do you part does not mean anything. Or else the divorce rates in any given situation wouldn't be horendous right now.
Who are you trying to fool?
If you are in love with this man, if you think you could spend the rest of your life together, then move in together. Be in love, keep continuing being in love. Look at your relationship as the same testament that marriage has. Fight through everything you have to fight through, deal with issues, but still love each other at the end of the day.
If you break up along the way, do not blame living together. Be happy for the fact that you do not have the legal fee's and the separation papers to file. You learned something throughout the relationship, throughout living together, you grew as people, and probably will have a better chance of making a relationship last in the future.
If you live together, I don't think that it decreases the interest of getting married.
Living together is NOT easy. Living together does not always turn out in a fairytale ending, but at least you're enjoying your life for the moment, right?.
Would you later regret not moving in with him? That would be a serious question to run through your brain.
@planetx@xanga - How is living together without the marriage title NOTHING?. That is absolutely ridiculous.
What does marriage prove or not prove in a relationship?. Yes, it may be important one day to get married for everyone, but at the end of the day... if you decide to live together without being married first does not mean that you are lacking anything in your relationship.
One thing I do want to point out is "practically living together" is not the same as living together. You still have your own place and he still has in own place. You don't HAVE to share everything with him, and you have your private space.
I don't have any experience or even observation to back this up, but just seems...to make sense: Don't move in together unless you are already engaged. None of this "I could see myself marrying him" or "we have talked about marriage". If two people are already on their way to getting married, then jumping the gun a little really shouldn't make a difference. Living together for a year while you are engaged and planning the wedding is probably a good idea. You aren't "playing house".
I think people take domestic partnerships too lightly. If you move in with a SO, you better be ready for a marriage. Even if you are not legally married to that person, you are more or less socially married. Breaking up becomes only slightly less messier than an actual divorce.
Something else to consider: Get a place that you or him could afford on your own. Whichever person that is, they should go on the lease, and the other should be secondary or a "subletter" if that is allowed. That way if you DO break up, the lease doesn't have to be broken. The one person stays and the other finds another place to live. A LOT of couples seem to live together so they can pool their income together and afford a better place. Just don't do it. If you want a better place, get a roommate(s).
I would say DON'T do it for this reason I wrote in my last blog. I believe that living together before marriage takes away compromise. And I believe compromise from each partner is the key to a successful relationship. When you're not married and you live together, it's easy to say "Well, this person does not fit my way of living" and then back out. If you truly love each other, you should be willing to adjust yourself to your SO and they should for you as well. But if you are not tied to a person and are not forced to compromise, things will fail more easily. It's just a set up for disaster in many cases I've heard. Especially if you move in around one year which many couples say they're still in the honeymoon stage.
yes...I would....they do it in Norway and Sweden and it seems to work.
I currently am living with my boyfriend. We've known each other for about 6 years now, and have been dating for about 3 years, 1 and 1/2 of which we've been living together.
It was a tough decision to make, but we both had graduated college and weren't sure where our lives were going; all we knew is that we wanted to be together, and some family issues sort of forced us into the decision of living together. Now that I've lived with him for a good year and 1/2 (in 2 different apartments), I feel like I can make a few points.
1. Don't rush into the decision about moving in together, unless other circumstances make it ABSOLUTELY necessary. You don't want to get stuck on a lease with someone you used to date because you rushed into signing a lease on a place together while you were in love (unless you can handle that sort of awkwardness). My boyfriend and I started slow with a 9 month lease at our first apartment in order to try it out since neither of us had lived with a significant other before. As that lease came to the end, we realized we enjoyed it and could stand living with each other, so we moved to a 12 month lease at our current apartment. I realize you're thinking about talking about it in a year or so from now, but even when that time comes, don't rush.2. You have to have some of your own space and some of your own time to spend away from each other. Sharing is caring, but if you over-share everything (time, space, etc), complacency and irritation can overtake the relationship and you could end up being roommates more than boyfriend/girlfriend.My boyfriend and I have a 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment, partly so we can have guests stay if we want, and partly just to have our own space. While we sleep in the master bedroom together pretty much every night, occasionally we do sleep apart in our own apartment just because we can. We also spend time apart from each other doing our own things, even if we're in the apartment together (i.e. him playing video games, me reading/watching movies). I realize that a 2 bedroom apartment may not be feasible for everyone, but even separating a certain time of day, or a certain corner as your own will help.
3. Talk things out. I don't know if you ever went to college or had to do roommate agreements in the dorms, but seriously, a roommate agreement is a good way to start discussing things from who's going to take out the trash to how you're going to split the bills. Communication is key, as cliche as that is, to living with anyone, but especially with someone you're dating. Set clear expectations and problem-solve issues together. Once communication goes down, you're going to look at the other person and be like, "What did I get myself into?"
4. Be realistic. Just because you live together doesn't mean that everything is going to be all love and rainbows and smiles all the time. You're going to argue, you're going to get angry, you're going to get bored, you're still going to experience any and all emotions you've felt both in and out of the relationship like you did before you moved in together. Living together just means someone else is there to experience those things with you. You might find things that annoy you about living with your boyfriend, but either learn to accept it and move on, or talk it out if it's a major thing. For example, my boyfriend annoys me because he doesn't rinse the dishes off before putting them in the dishwasher. I've told him about it and he's gotten pretty good about remembering to rinse them off. But for the times he forgets, well, I just deal with it. One thing with him, is that I tend to get very emotional right around my time of the month. Since living with him, I've helped him be aware of it so he can know why I get so emotional and what to do to help me.
5. Be sure it's what you both want. Getting opinions from other people are great. But if you get pushed into a life-changing decision by someone else's opinion, or if you get swayed out of a life-changing decision by someone else's opinion, be ready for the fact that it might not be the best decision for you or your relationship. People's views/opinions are all very valid and legit, including all the comments on this post, but you want to make sure that YOU (and your boyfriend) are the ones making the decision together.
Hope this insight helps educate a little bit. I think living together can definitely either make or break a relationship, but again, communicate with each other and have clear expectations of what you want from each other and from the relationship. Once those communication lines are open, I think you can succeed in anything, and you'll know the right decision for yourselves. Personally, living with my boyfriend has been one of the best decisions for me. While we have talked about marriage and have even had some serious talks about it recently, right now, we're just enjoying what we have and the fact that we don't have to live alone or with our parents, as we continue the transition into this world of after college. Good luck! P.S. Sorry for the longest comment ever, but thanks for letting me share. :)
absolutely. and don't listen to everyone who tells you it means your man will never marry you. unless your guy sees marriage as just another business decision, he'll still want to marry you no matter what.
@BehindTheSeens@xanga - @planetx@xanga - @cute_sushi@xanga - i'm awfully confused about your responses on two fronts:
1. if the relationship has a chance of failing, what does it matter whether they're married or not? you seem to be advocating for marriage without living together first because it'd be harder to back out if things went wrong. that sounds like it'd make the situation worse, not better. no one should stick with any relationship, married or not, if they aren't happy and in love. to do so would be unfair to them and their partner. i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life, than marry someone just to trap them into commitment.
2. relationships can be just as committed, honest and serious without marriage... if it really mattered that much, we wouldn't have adultery. so, it's awfully ignorant to declare that relationships are somehow meaningless without it. or to declare that women should be bartering living with a man for marriage... that's medieval thinking at best, and we might as well bring back dowries. it makes it sound like you're trying to bribe or trick a man into marrying you.
I say go for it, move in with him. Because if you two find out that you can't stand living with each other you can break up and it wont be so messy. But on the other hand, I feel like if you're married, that might be more motivation to try to work things out but idk.
I say move in. I've been with my bf for a month, and he has asked me to move in. I am, like you, at his place all the time. We are always together unless we're at work. Trying to stay away from him when I want so bad to be around him all the time seems incredibly pointless. He wants me around. I want to be around. Why not?
I would not move in with a boyfriend before marrying him. I will move in with him after we're married. But that's it. Mainly because We aren't having sex before we get married. So living together before we're married will only magnify the temptations to have sex that we already feel.
Wow a lot of people are really old fashioned and closed minded.
Shoot, I've been living with my boyfriend and been with him for a year and three months. We've through so much in that year, that we continue to work on everything with us. We're so much closer. Yeah, it's kind of tough moving in with someone period. You give up your own personal space. Keep that in mind. But if you two are already close, then it shouldn't be a problem. Yeah, you two might fight, but that's normal. You learn to work with each other and pretty much to me, moving in with each other determines how strong of a bond you two have and helps make you even close. You learn a lot living with each other. Also, you grow up more as well. Good luck with your decision. I hope you make the right one. :)
@Kittyluve@xanga - I agree.
Keep in mind the statistic that couples who moved in before marriage are more likely to be divorced comes from the fact (or idea) that couples who have lived together for some time feel more pressure and can more easily "slide" (for lack of better term) into marriage because they're already committed on so many different levels.
If it's a serious relationship I don't see a problem in moving in before marriage. Personally I might wait for a bigger commitment like engagement, but that would be more something because of the family I come from.
Decision is yours and no one else's. good luck!
i am surprised that most say not to move in with someone! its interesting. :) i have never lived with someone but i think its because i have never saw someone as that long term... :/. .. to actually move in with them.
I say it depends on the parties involved whether or not it is a good idea to move in together. It seems like things are moving along quite quickly, but you seem a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps it is not quite the time to move in together just yet. I don't feel being married or not has that much bearing on whether or not the relationship will last due to the order of events. If an issue is to arise, it will happen no matter what the legal piece paper says. Married people do not seem to be more inclined to make things works nowadays even though they are legally bound. If it were true that married people can withstand adversity and come up with solutions to make things work regardless, there wouldn't be such a high divorce rate. I moved in with my boyfriend before we were married (or even engaged). We have been married for 3 years now, and life has its challenges. I cannot say for sure if we will stand the test of time, but personally, I am willing to make compromises and sacrifices to make things work, because I love my husband. No one can make this decision for you, you must choose what you believe is the right choice for you.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga -
1. if the relationship has a chance of failing, what does it matter whether they're married or not?I don't think you understood me. It's not about "trapping" someone. It's not like divorce doesn't exist.
When you get married to someone before living together, you're committed to the other person (for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...) even if you don't know how they will be when you live with them. But when you "test out" before marriage, then it's like you're not sure if you want to be committed until you see how they are when you live with them.
And don't forget the statistic I mentioned (that came from a secular human sexuality textbook by the way.)
2. relationships can be just as committed, honest and serious without marriage...
Then why not get married? You get legal benefits too. I'm guessing it's probably because marriage is a bigger commitment--it's easy to date someone you like but don't love, but most people wouldn't marry someone they didn't love. And just because we don't have the same views on marriage as you, doesn't mean we're "ignorant",@Kittyluve@xanga - or "closed minded".
Personally, I say it depends on the relationship. I was once in a serious relationship with a man for almost three years, moved in with him to test those "moving in/marriage" waters and realized he was pretty crazy. I was able to see who he really was before taking that next step and that saved a lot of time, my sanity and my safety.
I really think it depends on the person you are and the person you are with...and as well, if you understand the complexities of the human mind and relationships and how both affect each other.
I've always thought of marrige as an expensive piece of paper, so I'm a bit bias, buuuuuut, I'll still share my opinion anyway :)
I have moved in with 2 of my SO's. I believe it did help. The first relationship was rough, and it made us realize that we were better off as friends instead of being the others fiance. It was good. If we would have married, and then moved in, we could have been stuck in a really sticky mess, and may have come out of it hating eachother. The current one I'm involved in is a tricky situation. We failed at living together once before, which led to a horrible, nasty breakup (I moved down with her and her roomate, didn't work because the roomate was crazy and spent all the rent on pot, so she got us all evicted... she moved in with my family and I, didn't work because she couldn't stop being her father). Now we are trying it again without the added pressure of living under my parents, and having nosy neighbors/ or roomates. It works. We fight, but for the most part we make up and giggle about it the minute after. It's a good test trial to see if you can stand the snoring, the way they smack their lips when they eat, or any of those miserable, silly, but cute things that they can't help but do.
However, we were together for over a year (off and on) before we started to even think about it. I think 'a few months' is a little too soon to have that thought on your mind. Even though you are moving so fast, and are okay with it, I think that you should still leave time for the relationship to mature and grow properly before moving in together.