Thursday, 22 December 2011
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Living Together Killed Our Relationship: A Response
I was recently reading a post on Datingish about how living together killed the person's relationship. While I felt that there were many other factors that killed his relationship (moving to fast, not knowing the person well enough, not having any previous discussion about the process), I had to wonder when I read the comments how people view marriage, living together, and relationships as a whole.Okay, so let's look at our options:
1) Marriage: Obviously marriage is not held on the same level as it used to be in the 1920's or even the 1950's. Back in the age of our grandparents, great-grandparents, and for some great-great-grandparents, people married out of movement in the social ladder, because someone told them to, or because that was just what was expected. Yes, some people married for love, especially after the 1940's, but there were still such things as arranged marriages. Once married, it was expected for those two people to stay together forever. It wasn't just some fashion statement or trend because it was awesome, only to be discarded for the newest model at the beginning of the year. Marriage was also viewed as an important "sacrament." Yes yes yes, not everyone is Catholic and believes in the Sacrament of Marriage; however, it is important to note that marriages were mostly performed in front of a priest in a church (give or take whatever religion that specific couple was). Today, we have marriages in front of judges and allow civil unions. Do you believe that these marriages in front of judges are the same as in front of priests? Have we as a country given up on the concept of religion? Do you think marriage is still as important to society?
2) Living Together: Now-a-days, people use the concept of living together as an important step to the "process". They share benefits, experience life as a married couple but without the "piece of paper," and sometimes get pregnant and have whole families. Again, back in the time of our grandparents, this never would have happened. It would have been considered quite the scandal if two people were living together before marriage. Today, some people have to do it out of necessity or circumstances beyond their control. Some just want to do it. Some feel that marriage isn't important. What do you think? Is living together an important step? Do you think that people should live together before they get married, or engaged, or have any thought of that at all?
3) Relationships: The meaning of relationships has changed drastically. Now we have the GLBT people, man and women people, and some in between. It's great we've become so accepting of different people and relationships, but it has caused the word to change. Referring back again, relationships just meant "man and woman" but this no longer holds. Now we have women who start out liking men and may suddenly start liking females and vice versa. Does this change how we think about relationships? Several people in the blog I am originally referring to were talking about how if you live together it's a way to see if the relationship will work out. How does that then change the meaning of the word? Is a relationship disposable? Do we suddenly group everything as disposable? Marriage, living together, relationships? Something that used to be concrete now seems lacking. What does the word relationship mean to you?
I guess all I'm wondering is how life has changed and what you think, as today and tomorrow's future. What do you think about these 3 words?
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- From: LoveL@lovelyish
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Comments (22)
I don't take any of these words lightly at all. But, unfortunately people who take these words seriously are very rare. At least that's what it seems like. Marriage has always been a priority for me in a relationship. And as for the word relationship. I have never been one to date freely. If I date someone it's with the intent of marriage someday. And as for living with someone: The only man I will every live with while I'm in a relationship with him is going to be my husband. And the only man I will ever have sex with will be my husband.
Is that Ed O'Neil on the left?
It's all disposable anymore. As fast-paced as everything is not many are willing to take the time to make something work.
I don't think there's a right and wrong about these things anymore. They're defined by the beholder. While I don't like some of the changes, there are people in each group who have success. To me, the word relationship just means how things go together. I can have a relationship with my doctor, but I'm not going to live with, have a baby with, or marry him. I have a relationship with my community. It's just a very general word.
All of these words can mean something different depending on who you are talking to.
For me, marriage is pretty much the final step in the commitment. I don't feel that it is a necessary step, but it's just kind of a way of sealing your commitment, in my opinion. Just another way of showing love and devotion if it's something you both want in life. I will not put religion in it as I am not religious. I don't think anyone should ever judge anyone else because they believe differently. Your religion, your business, stay out of mine. Plenty of people don't care about marriage, it just depends on what people want. Divorce happens a lot these days, but it just happens. If you're not happy, you're not happy, why force yourself to remain in that state? Probably shouldn't have taken that plunge in the first place, but yeah.
This is why I believe living together is essential before marriage. It has nothing to do with the relationship being "disposable". In my opinion, if you are willing to work through problems without feeling like you have to, by being bonded through marriage or other means, then you probably have a pretty stable relationship. There is really nothing keeping you to this person other than your love and devotion, which is how it should be. No one should be with someone simply because they have to. As far as it being frowned upon by earlier generations, it's almost like the whole sex before marriage thing and I simply don't care in the slightest what people think. It's my life and I will do as I please.
A relationship with someone is essentially me being committed to only one person and expecting the same in return. Relationships can work as marriages do, if you live together. They require commitment, compromises, understanding of one another, etc. If you're in it for the long haul, expect working at it. Relationships will always take work. You'll fight, you'll disagree, but you have the ability to set aside differences and work something out. If it just doesn't work out, then you learn something and you grow from the experiences. People don't find someone they're compatible with immediately. If the relationship doesn't work out, you simply just go your separate ways. You both move on with your lives and find someone else.
Also, I support same sex relationships and marriage, I think people need to mind their own damn business and keep their religion to themselves.
my boyfriend and i are closing on our house tomorrow! we aren't engaged but are obviously very serious. we thought that it was more important that we spent the money we've saved on buying a house first. the market is great right now and it was a perfect time for us to buy a house instead of getting married. we have talked marriage and it will come eventually. however i don't think by any circumstance that us living together before marriage is terrible. i actually had reserves about it only because i thought my grandparents wouldn't take it well. however, they love him and respect our decision in living together before marriage. in my opinion, people who say they're "testing it out" before actually getting married are saying that because they aren't sure they want to marry that person and aren't very invested in the relationship. however, we aren't testing. we're completely certain that we will be married, just after all the house repairs and expenses are dealt with first!! :)
Is a relationship disposable? How disposable is a good friend (perhaps your best), someone you share yourself with in every way? Is marriage disposable? How easy is it to just part from someone you have shared your life with for months? years? Just because there is an option doesn't mean it's an easy decision, or an easy process. Let's not confuse availability with ease. Besides that, I agree with @tips@hardestlevel. Well said.
who cares if it's disposable? the only other alternative is to make such things inescapable. i'd rather die alone than be in a relationship OR marriage in which i wasn't happy. in my opinion, the people who'd stay with their spouse out of some sense of legal obligation are the ones who take marriage too lightly,
Honestly? To each his or her own.
my parents were married in front of judges because they did not have money for the bigger and finer things. they settled with what they could afford. it's probably not the same being married in front of a judge than it is with a priest. It's no different to me though. what matters is that you're married and have it down on paper and are committed to being together for the rest of your life through sickness and in health. i know two people who have 3 kids and they are not even married. they don't care about the idea of being married. everybody is different and have their own opinions.
when it comes to moving in, once again my parents were living together before they were married. it worked out for them and yes like others, they had their arguments and lots of other things going on not worth mentioning, but they managed to put their differences aside and work things out because they loved one another. i believe that moving in together before you marry one another is essential just because it helps you realize what you're going to be dealing with and helps you to get to know your partner on a responsible level -- to see if you two could handle the responsibilities. but you shouldn't really move in with someone like 3 months into your relationship because then that'll screw things up. i know i'd want to build a relationship first, then maybe like 3 years down the road(which is my case) talk about maybe getting a small apartment together to save up and get on your own two feet instead of relying on family to help you and give you and your boyfriend a roof over their head. then again, not everyone has the same outlook and i respect that. this is just my opinion and how i view the whole moving in before marriage bit.
to me, relationships are for those who are with one person and committed to that one person only. nowadays, you hear about this one having more than one partner and they think it's cool. or the fact that people "hook up" .. in a sense that's gross and to me and morally wrong but then again not everyone has morals or the same morals. you have to know when a relationship should be disposable. you shouldn't just put the label "are relationships disposable?" on because it's up to you to know when you're happy and not happy.
"Now we have the GLBT people"....you say that as if this is a new phenomenon, that up until perhaps the 1970's people were always straight. Definitions have perhaps changed through time, as well as the social perception, but it has always existed.
Even if a heterosexual bias was embedded in the term relationship, I think it's fair to say that the essence of the word is describing not gender, but a connection or bond between two people. That being said, the gender of the people involved doesn't really change the way a relationship works. The only difference is that once gay people arrive at a place in their relationship and their lives where marriage would make sense, they're not allowed to because some other people have decided that they are fundamentally different, and therefore, a threat.
So even if you do not mean to be homophobic with your statements (and i really think that was the last thing you intended), your statements propagate this mistaken assumption that gay is 'different' and is somehow implicated in undermining how seriously people take their commitments to one another.
I believe you have to do what is right for your relationship. Some people choose to live together before marriage and some don't. My boyfriend and I have decided not to at this point since we're on the more traditional relationship path but someone else may choose differently. I don't look down on someone living together before marriage, but it's just not right for my relationship.
WE HAVE THE GLBT PEOPLE" HAHAHA
Believe it or not, there are tons of gay or lesbian couples who have been together for their lives and are now grandparent age =P
I still believe in marriage for love. I've seen it done. I have hope and do believe marriage is suppose to be forever. I hope one day I am lucky enough to have it.
Living together, I see as easy. No commitment while there is a commitment. I've done it, never again.
Relationships...always complicated.
BUT What ever works for a person fine, do it.
As a child of a messy divorce and a marriage that went terribly wrong, but was started in love, I can see why this generation is "scared" or considered marriage as none important, when you see nothing but hate in a marriage it makes you think. But I've had the chance to see a wonderful marriage, from my grandparents and friend's parents. They all tell me the same thing. YOU MUST WORK TO MAKE THE LOVE STAY STRONG.
I think it's sad that the view on marriage is declining, because it can be and should be a beautiful thing.
But like I said before, Whatever works for the couple is up to them.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, and I really hope it won't become obsolete. Our generation's view on it worries me sometimes.
I view the word "relationship" in a slightly different way. To me, a relationship is any close, personal bond between people. A relationship can be between friends, lovers, families, etc. Sometimes our relationships with others don't work out. So, to me, a relationship is indeed something that can be lost. Some people treat others poorly, so I would consider that "throwing away" the relationship.
I think living together prior to marriage isn't a bad thing. Sometimes people don't show their true colors until you're truly with them long-term. It's better to find out how you interact together co-habitating than to have already gone down the aisle then realize you are miserable.
I think marriage can be wonderful, but I don't necessarily put it on a pedestal. While I hope that people who are unhappy in their marriages can find happiness again, I don't think that someone should stay with an abusive or cheating spouse, or with someone who treats them poorly.
Arranged marriages still exist, you know. Marriage has drastically changed because of the institution known as divorce, which was illegal for the woman to seek for a very long time. Marriage is a financial arrangement. I kind of wish people would stop thinking it's about love.
Yeah I stopped reading after "Today, some people have to do it out of necessity or circumstances beyond their control." Because no one's holding a gun to your head and forcing you to live with your significant other. It's not that hard to find a different roommate.
@Saridactyl@xanga - After 34 years, I HOPE my marriage isn't only about 'financial' issues!! Marriage is partially financial, but there is oh, so much more!
i definitely think they've changed. for a handful of people, marriage is still arranged or purposeful (ie golddiggers); living together is acceptable because marriage isn't as important. but there are others out there who believe in true love, who marry their true love, stick with each other through thick & thin, & sanctify marriages. but id on't really get what you're saying about relationships. u mean do people throw away their bfs & gfs easily? i think that also depends. people in the past used to have several gfs or bfs before choosing one to settle with. it's just smart. similarly today, there are people who have several gfs & bfs. just the probability of people doing that has changed.
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