Monday, 19 December 2011
I was having a conversation with an acquaintance of mine one day and for the sake of this story, let's call him Charlie. Charlie was in his late 20s, tall, handsome, socially-conscious, well-traveled, well-read and by many standards, a catch. The only problem was that he knew it as well! Anyway, as we were talking, he mentioned how disappointed he had been with his last date, which was with a girl we’ll call Vanessa. I, of course, inquired about what had been the source of this apparent disappointment and that’s when pandora’s box opened.
The normally cool and collected Charlie became quite incensed when he told me that during the course of the date, he guessed that Vanessa was a virgin and when he questioned her about it, that’s when she finally fessed up about it. He then went on to criticize her as being ‘naïve’ for thinking that her virginal status would not pose a barrier to holding the attention of a man of his caliber (I told you Charlie was well aware of his attractability!).
It was quite apparent that Charlie found her virginal state to be altogether unacceptable. However, he seemed just as incensed, if not more so, by the fact that Vanessa didn’t reveal that information about herself prior to them going out. I asked him why he was so perturbed that she hadn’t told him immediately. I mean, I do understand that this is an important detail, but it seemed to me, that he could’ve given her a bit of slack. Vanessa having to tell him prior to their first date, as he so adamantly insisted, seemed to be jumping the gun a bit.
To further emphasize his point he declared to me: “Being a virgin is a pertinent piece of information…I mean, woudn’t you want to know immediately if a person who asked you out, for example, had been to prison for being a murderer? It's THAT serious!” After I gave him an incredulous look, he amended his statement and said: “Well maybe a murderer was kind of farfetched, but you get where I’m going with this. I’m sure if you met a guy who had a violent history, you would want to know about it sooner rather than later—my point being, she should’ve told me ASAP!"
I had to keep my eyes from bulging out of my head at the fact that this man had just compared virgins to murderous ex-cons!
Could I understand that he may have felt duped or maybe even misled? Sure, I suppose I could and I sympathize with him to a point, but for the most part, I am a supporter of Vanessa.
Does this mean I support deception? No, of course not. This is so because I don’t necessarily view her not telling him right away as an attempt to deceive him. I know some people will argue that omission is a form of deception and generally, I agree that it's true, but I don’t think it is in this case. In general, we tend to not reveal certain highly personal things about ourselves right off the bat because it is not necessary/relevant at the time, or simply, because it may not presently be the other person’s business.
For argument's sake, if a person were promiscuous, would it be necessary for them to divulge the number of sexual partners they had prior to your first date? I’m sure many of you would answer no to that question. So if that is the case, why would someone in the opposite position—a virgin—need to tell his or her date about their virgin status before the first date?
Please do not misunderstand me—I absolutely agree that it is something that needs to be discussed in a timely fashion, especially if things are progressing rather fast between the two people who are seeing each other. However, it seems a bit premature to have to discuss it before you even decide to go on a date! I mean, who says things will go past a date or two anyway?
If it actually doesn’t end up going anywhere, the fact you’re a virgin thus becomes irrelevant. I’m sure for someone in Vanessa's position, living in these times and in this sex-centered society, it can become a source of anxiety if they are expected to have to continuously tell strangers such a personal detail about themselves as some kind of pre-requisite for a date.
So, if you come across a person you’re interested in dating, who just so happens to be a virgin, do you expect them to let you know right away? If not, when is it a more a suitable time for them to divulge themselves?