This may be a sticky subject but I want to talk about bad and unhealthy relationships. We've all had that one that we wish we would have gotten out of sooner or taken advice from our friends and family. I was in a relationship a few years ago that I don't regret but at the same time I wish it never happened. There were so many signs that I ignored and/or overlooked. Looking back, I knew that it was wrong and everyone around me was right, I just couldn't admit to them and myself that that was the case. I really tried everything I could to make it work. Everything worked out and we're no longer together but that's only because he ended up moving to another state. I believe that happened because I don't know if I would have had it in me to leave him. Thankfully, things worked out the way they were supposed to.
Things weren't always bad but I probably should have known better than to get into a relationship with him. The more the relationship went on, the more things got worse and the more insecure I got. I guess I was scared to leave. We've all been young and foolish at one point, right?
When I speak to my girlfriends about past bad relationships it seems that they all have the one relationship like this one. You always have to take the good with the bad though. I learned a lot from that relationship - about myself, what I want, what I'm willing/not willing to deal with, etc.
Have you guys had a bad relationship that was hard for you to get out of? What made you finally leave? Do you have regrets?
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Yes, I've been in one (my most recent one). What made it hard for me to leave was that we were a long distance couple (I was on the east coast, she on the west and up a country). She was abusive (mentally and physically when we were physically together). What made me hesitate to leave was that she was also depressed and threatened that if I leave her, she had no one else and would kill herself. I had contact with her friends there, but even they were about an hour away from her and most of them didn't drive.
What made me eventually leave was just me being so stressed out and unable to handle the way she treated me anymore. She was getting better (saw a therapist and started taking medication) and I just told her that I couldn't do it anymore.
For that relationship, it helped me know what I don't want in a partner (all my prior relationships were really great and never had to deal with negativity of that magnitude). I wished that I saw the red flags sooner and acted sooner so I could have saved myself the heartache. But, with each decision we make, we learn something and can use it later.
The last relationship I was in was a very bad one. It took me far longer than it should have to realize how toxic it was, and even longer to finally get out of it...
He ended up telling me that his self-mutilation was my fault and that if I didn't let him come see me, he would cut himself.
A couple weeks later, I ended up exploding at him and raging about all the emotional manipulation he used to control me, how I never deserved it, and then we never talked again. I still am proud of myself whenever I read that online conversation between us. :p
I've been dating my partner for about 2 years, which seems WAYY longer than that! I actually picked him up at a bar (bad way to start a relationship after a one night stand.) We eventually dated and fell madly inlove with each other. I later would find text messages from the most ugliest girls on his phone. He would promised me that he wouldnt do it anymore. Yeah, dont believe them its when their doing it the most.
I know this relationship has an expiration date that is long overdue, i just dont know how to end it. He never trusted me from the beginning and somehow i still manage to stick around. Still undecided. : /
you just know when it's time to leave, your gut and your heart gives you a warning too. for me, it was a feeling i've felt for about 3 months but it was hard to leave him bc even though it was so unhealthy, i loved him so much and i didn't want to feel like i was failing him or myself so i kept fighting the feeling and eventually he beat me to the chase and ended the relationship. even though we broke up, it still hurt me so badly bc i still loved him.
Yes. Ready for a novel? lol
What made me finally get out?
I finally had it when we got into an argument (yet again) and he physically pulled me out of the car by the scruff of my jacket. The look in the girl's eyes who happened to be walking past as she witnessed this made me see myself through..another persons view. I was like 'hold on a sec, this is ME here, wtf am I doing 'letting' this person treat me like this? What is she thinking? Im so embarrassed!' He then proceeded so smash my phone, twisted my arm (once we were back in the 'privacy' of the car) then alternated between hitting me and nearly causing multiple accidents (I had to drive us home, he was drunk. Though he would also act like this plain sober, don't be fooled!).
Finally we got home to bed. I thought 'thank god that's over tomorrow is a new day'. By this point I was so brainwashed that I was just happy that the next day he would act like nothing happened and I could get on with studying for my final exams at uni. But, in the morning, he shook me violently awake, continued the abuse, and I found myself seriously wishing I was dead, seriously seriously. Though still fearing the fact that he seemed more than willing and able to grant that 'wish' for me.Then I also remembered that girl..
So, my advice: While he/she is in the shower, grab your most important possessions (in my case, some favourite outfits lol as well as makeup, textbooks and laptop!!! and diet supps lol) chuck them in the boot of the car, run back inside. When they come out of the shower tell them you are going to abc..something that they wouldnt want to come along to anyway, or couldnt..like a hair appointment or something..get in the car and DONT LOOK BACK! Being there when they are out of the shower buys you time, as itensures they won't follow you, and go absolutely nuts, say if you had just disappeared while they were in the shower.
Make sure you TELL SOMEONE about the abuse once you have made this decision. I made myself tell my mum in that same half an hour. In fact I drove straight home to mum's lol. This was to ensure that even if you want to go back, you can't. Or you can but you know you can't deny the truth anymore, as another person who actually cares about you is there to remind you! And it makes it harder for the evil abusive psycho to manipulate you back. He was terrified of my mum, funnily enough. She never liked him:p Oh and DONT BE ALONE WITH THEM EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN. I took this chance a few times. But I always let someone know where I was. It was still stupid though, especially considering how fond he was of his kitchen knives, and showing me them..
Still, No Regrets. A stronger person today. It was a crap thing to go through, failed a course:( but I'd prefer it happen to me than either of my siblings, and after what happened to me I think they'd be aware of what to do in such a situation lol. Or so I'd hope:) And now I can write lovely long advice comments like this! lol.
My friend is in a horrible relationship. i have never seen any two people who clearly can't stand one another, physically or emotionally, and be so mean to another but still in so much denial. They are constantly saying they are just waiting for one another or themselves to change. They think being happy with one another is just a matter of self-discipline and being a better person because they both know they have personality flaws. 1. Neither of them are really going to change for longer than a week or two. 10-15 years from now will they both have developed and matured? Yes, but I can't convince her to recognize there will be no magical transformation. 2. They both say they just want the person to be the sweetheart they fell in love with four years ago. Uh, I knew them both then. The guy was just being nice because he was in the dawn of a relationship, but everyone at our College hated him for a reason. We were freshmen, he was a junior and when we came in he had an awful reputation. So her memory is a little off. As for her, I have known her since we were in Junior High, and let me tell you she is WAY nicer and mature now than when we went to College together and they met.
They broke up a year ago and got back together because neither one of them like change. But the break up damaged their already horrible relationship further. My point is, they are staying in this relationship for nothing other than fear of being alone, and not wanting to give up on a 4 year investment.@Peppermint__Kisses@xanga - wow, that sounds like a horrible situation. Thanks for sharing and I'm glad you were strong enough to get out of it! Don't ever settle for less than you deserve*
Yes, and I'm so glad I did. It was an awful relationship. The last straw that made me leave was.. finding himself doing the same thing that he promised not to do again a year earlier. It made me realized that he'll never change for us or our marriage. It was time to end this chapter and start a new beginning.
My first relationship sucked because I had like 10% chemistry with the guy I was with. I had no other relationships to compare it to, so I thought it was normal to feel annoyed and unattractive to your SO after a little while. I thought it was just the next step after the honey moon phase. Boy was I wrong. We were so completely wrong for each other. He was the nicest guy, just we were so different. I admit I kind of pushed him around because he was well...a major pushover. Despite all these problems we had a healthy relationship, we never fought. But I was seriously unhappy. This went on for a year, till I finally understood that how I felt wasn't normal.
I wouldn't date him again! No way, I wish we had never gone out. He deserved better and I deserved better.
I am grateful everyday that I had to fly back to the US when I was with the guy I was studying abroad in Egypt. It's not that he was a bad guy. We were just bad for each other. Our relationship was just very bad, almost toxic. Call it cultural differences, maybe. I was very very VERY dependent on him while there because I literally couldn't go anywhere without him without feeling scared. Add onto that he'd be an hour or more late to meet me somewhere. Add onto that my heightened emotional state because I was really far from home without anyone. Add onto that his English was "okay" and he couldn't understand a word I was saying when I was upset. He was a wonderful guy, but our relationship was shitty. I feel bad because I know I contributed to the shitness and wouldn't have acted the way I did if we dated in the US.
So yeah, I got on a plane and flew home. I knew I had to continue college, and I couldn't just marry him and stay in Egypt.
@nycgirl - yes, but i got out, yay! *victory dance* and i completely agree with that saying:)
My first serious relationship was very bad for me, and I'm glad HE broke up with me because he knew I was just being hurt, being the loyal girlfriend. He was a cheater. He didn't care. He often treated me like crap, and once he even hit me. You keep thinking it's going to get better, until it doesn't. I'm glad I was removed from that situation, and now I know to owe myself better than that.
I think you know when you are ready to leave. This might take a long time, but even though your relationship is unhealthy; there is still love, connection, fear of the unknown, the good times, dislike of being alone, etc. So you need to come in peace with all those factors, and when you do, you will leave. This might take longer for some than others and the people around you might not understand why you are still with that person, but from the inside it is always different then it might look to an outstander. But you'll get there. I did :)
I was just in one. I finally got fed up after five years and I am the happiest I've ever been in YEARS.
Good topic to address.
I can't say the relationship I had was entirely bad, but yes, I've had a bad relationship. At the beginning, we were on fire. We clicked so well -emotionally, physically, intellectually. It was an emotional high. After a few months, he started getting distant. I freaked out. When I caught myself, I tried to change...but he saw I was trying too hard and he broke up with me.
What I learned is that if you have to try too hard, a relationship probably isn't worth keeping. I also learned that, like you, I should have trusted my gut when I met him. I knew he wasn't long term material but I wanted him so badly. Notice the word "want." Yeah. That's what I learned. You can't force things that aren't really meant to be.
I was just put into the worst position ever doing long distance for three years.I have no regrets because I have learned so much from it and I know I gave my all. Although the table has turned now, and I want to give in and forgive him its extremely hard to forget....
My last relationship was unhealthy. My ex wasn't physically abusive, but he was emotionally to a small extent (more like emotionally neglectful). He had just gotten out of a four year relationship with a woman who abused him mentally. So, he wasn't full over her and because of that, he'd constantly bring her and their past relationship up. He kept talking about how he "wasn't used to be treated nicely" and even told me on several occasions that he wanted me to be "meaner" to him. On top of that, he only saw me once a week and spent more time with his video and card games, and was disrespectful to me and my family in general. Everyone around me-family and friends-kept asking me what I was doing with him, why he didn't treat me better. I kept making excuses for myself because I was so insecure and lacked any self-confidence or respect. It finally ended when he met another woman he fell for, whom he claimed "made [him] realize something was missing." I was devastated when we split, but looking back, I'm extremely glad we did. I learned a lot, including that I need to have love and respect for myself and not let another treat me badly just for the sake of not being alone. I tried being friends with him almost a year later, but he's still got severe issues, including the hang-up with his first ex, so I had to cut him out completely.
I'm in one that I know I shouldn't be in. I stick around because there are good moments. He's smacked me before, and he puts me down all the time. He never listens to what I say and when I confronted him about not listening, he said it was because he doesn't care what I have to say.Even if it's something important. He tells me I'm a bitch, that I think too much, that I'm insane, that I'm this and that I'm that. His favorite thing is to tell me to "shut the fuck up" or to "fuck off" if I say something he doesn't like. He doesn't tell me things, and I can never seem to get a hold of him on his phone if I need to. He screams right in my face when we fight and throws things/punches holes in the walls. He slept with someone else on a day long hiatus we took in our relationship and said he shouldn't be responsible because he was drunk and we had broken up anyway. He called me while on the way to her house with the intent to get drunk just her and him, and didn't say a word. Even if the sex hurt and I told him it did, he wouldn't stop. I would be crying because I was upset and he would just yell at me and tell me to stop being stupid or he would ignore me and play video games. There's just a long long list of things. I guess I stay because I loved him. I'm not so sure I do anymore. I knew when I married him that it wasn't right. I guess I feel that I should deal with it because I married him, so I should keep my vows and stay with him. I hope someday I'm happy. I just don't want to be alone, but sometimes I would rather be. My advice to anyone else in a bad relationship is to end it if you have ANY doubt about whether you should be staying with them.
@Face_Of_Innocence@xanga - So many relationship issues are easily worked out with communication. Like I said, in your case, this is not true. Get out.
I can't really say that I've ever had a relationship that I felt was unhealthy and I needed to get out of up until now kind of. I've been with my boyfriend for thirteen months and like most relationships we've had our fair share of arguments and two times where we both actually almost broke up. He was always the one who told me that if we were to ever break up it would be me breaking up with him. Meanwhile both times it was him to try and do it. That's usually how all of my relationships ended though. I'm not really one to want to break up with the other one cause I don't like to hurt others feelings. Anyway, so we've been together for thirteen months just as of the 14th of this month. We're doing a long distance relationship as well. I know, I know what you're all going to say. I know that most long distance relationships don't work, but for us it's been better actually. It's only a 2.5 hour drive away anyway so it's really not that big of a deal to me, plus it gives us our time away from one another and we Skype from time to time or talk on the phone mostly every day. Though recently he's been trying to tell me that he wants to go on disability and not work.. Which that doesn't really fly with me. He's twenty and I'm twenty one. I'm currently not working, but I'm looking for work and I would LIKE to work.
Now him on the other hand "can't deal well with authority". So in other words he seems to think he'll get a job and not be able to keep it for long because he'll probably be too argumentative. I'm sorry, but isn't that the way a job works? You DO get told what to do every day and you WILL probably get into trouble if you're not doing it right. It's just like everything else in life, but he seems to think that if he can find a way to get on disability that it will be better for him. Even worse his Mom encourages him to do it as well.. I will admit that he has anger problems and sometimes can't control his anger and that is what gets him into trouble, but he's also on medication for that and he's been better. So I don't really see what the problem is with him trying to just find work like the rest of the world. How else do you expect to live? Live on the governments money for the rest of your life at 1160$ a month? That's definitely not how I expected our lives to be. Yes, I actually had a future in mind with this guy and now I'm not so sure anymore because of these decisions he's trying to make. Sure, it would be great for him to be able to move out of his parents and have his own money to have an apartment and not have to worry about getting kicked out because of rent money and what not (which had happened to him before) and that's why we are doing the long distance now, but I just don't believe that it's right for him to be doing that.
Nor is it really fair is it? I plan to go to school for nursing in January and if he does get on disability it won't be until probably six months from now, but by then I'll be done school. I'm actually going to do a PSW course so it's just like a nurse, and then I'll be making money and probably move out and what is he going to do all day? Sit on his ass and play Call of Duty all day? Nu uh. Doesn't go well with me either.
I also have a friend who is in an EXTREMELY unhealthy relationship right now. She's been with her boyfriend for fourteen months and the guy she's with is a nut case! He admits to having anger problems and yelling at her and blaming the poor girl for everything and the worst thing about it is apparently he doesn't trust her because of what he's heard about her past and how she's cheated on her ex boyfriends and what not. Not to mention I know she still talks to her ex that she was with for two years still and her now current boyfriend doesn't like that.. He calls her a slut and whatever else, tells her that it's mainly her fault why they always fight when all she really tries to do is HELP him. Tries to help him seek attention. To go see a counselor about his anger problems, maybe get on some medication and he just thinks she's being a "bitch"because she wants to see her boyfriend be happier. Good lord, I don't understand how some of these girls put up with being treated like garbage by their boyfriends. Not to mention she's been putting up with it pretty much two months into their relationship.. I've told her about a thousand times that she could find someone who would treat her better, actually respect her, love her and not make her cry, but I truthfully just think she has a problem with being alone. The longest she's ever been single in her life is maybe two months. She just jumps from relationship to relationship because she can't stand to be alone.
Either way eek, I just think it's terrible. I have nothing more to say to her than to just let her live her life with her problematic boyfriend.
@RebeccaTrifecta - Who pissed in your cornflakes this morning?
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I've been there. Three horrible long years there. But I kept hoping things would get better. And we had a son together, so that made it so much worse, and so much harder to get out of. I finally did it last December, and I haven't regretted my decision for even one second since then! I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I'm healthier. My son is better off, and so am I! Tons of regrets, looking back. But I can't wish the whole thing away because then I wouldn't have my son. So... if I were to do it all over, I'd do just about everything differently, but still have my son in the end. Now I found someone who is SO much better, and so much better for me. Couldn't be happier right now! First Christmas I'm going to actually enjoy in at least 4 years.