Monday, 12 December 2011
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It's Not You, It's Me. Seriously.
I am fairly certain that I am one of a dying breed, a relationship dinosaur if you will. That’s because I still have not ever gone out with someone from online. This puts me in a category with the likes of old people, dead people, obnoxious stuck up people who have stigmatized online dating for no reason, and people with severe diagnosable social disorders.I do have an OkCupid profile, but I respond to only about one of every twenty messages I get, and I’ve never initiated sending a message to anyone. That sounds stuck up, but trust me, if I posted some of the messages I’ve received, you’d understand. (Once I got a message that said, “Hello earthling, would you say you’re a creature of recreation or procreation?”) But even the few guys that do seem semi-interesting, I never end up meeting in person.
The truth is, it’s me. Between couch surfing and moving seven times in the past year in Manhattan, my job, going out with friends and family, and any hobbies I myself might want to do, I feel I hardly have time to breathe. Seeing as I can barely manage to fix myself a meal that’s not Reese’s Puffs, at this point I think it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t make a good girlfriend right now.
The reason I signed up for an online profile in the first place was because I felt too busy to go out and find someone in person. But even getting coffee with a guy from online feels like too much of a hassle for me. A guy friend criticized me for this, because there was one guy who seemed funny, attractive, and compatible with me, that I eventually turned down for a date. He said, “So this guy seemed perfect in every way, you had great back and forth messaging, and he asked you to coffee, you’d say no?”
“Yeah,” I answered.
“Well what the hell chance does anyone have with anyone if that’s true for people on that site? That guy probably feels bad that you’re rejecting him even though nothing’s wrong with him.”
He had a good point. But as I said, it has nothing to do with these men. It’s me. I haven’t deleted my OkCupid because I do want to find someone, and I would find time for the right guy in my life if he came along. For some reason though I just feel way too lethargic to go for it, and so I am going about it the only logical way: hoping the perfect man just falls into my lap with no effort on my part whatsoever.
Should you force yourself to date even if you’re too busy for it? Should you ever close yourself completely off from dates, romance, and relationships?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (40)
I think either youwant to date or not. if you have time to socialize with your friends, you have time to date. I think for you, you simply dont want to and that is fine.
Should you force yourself to date even if you’re too busy for it? Should you ever close yourself completely off from dates, romance, and relationships?
these are stupid questions in the context of the post. you aren't too busy, you just have issues. the very fact that you're putting yourself out there shows it, and you're advertising a product you have no intention of selling.
yes, if you have no intention of following through then yes you should completely close yourself off. if you are going to put yourself out there and by your own admission the guy actually seems like he is what you would want then yes, you should give him a chance, of course if you look at it as "forcing yourself" then you're going to end up fucking up the relationship and then blaming him for it anyway, so unless you are willing to give someone a chance you should close yourself off.
That's what I thought, too.. before I got with my current boyfriend, I started to overthink things and thought I'd be too busy with school, work, friends and family to have time for a boyfriend. But then.. everything seems to work out just fine... and he's very understanding with things.
There's quite a gap between being stuck up and just plain being too busy. Besides, you're only 23. Unless you wanted to be married straight out of college I wouldn't worry too much about the whole 'online dating' phenomenon. If the right guy comes along and a relationship starts, you'll know it for what it is, you'll like him for who he is, and respect the means through which he appeared.
Don't try to squeeze a relationship into an already full-life; it's not fair to the other person. And if you actually find yourself wanting someone in your life, I think only then should you probably take a look at your "schedule" and rearrange your priorities so that someone can fit into them.
If you're on an OKCupid site and you're not actively looking, then there's a good chance you're just taking advantage of the guys because you like the attention.
Delete your account. It's better for everyone involved.
In defense of OP, OKCupid has a ton of very fun quizzes.
To answer your question, just let itself play out. Don't rush or force yourself into any relationships. Put effort into a relationship when you find one that speaks to your heart. Be who you are and let what will happen happen. :) I hope one day you grow out of said lethargic stage and find someone to love you and to show love to. :) A relationship goes both ways.
I would, however, discourage you from being on dating sites without clearly mentioning your current feelings. Just let them know you keeping your eye open, though right now you just aren't up for the effort a relationship will involve, you know? Hopefully that will keep them from being like "was it me?" :) *hugs* Best wishes!
SAY YES! I met my boyfriend from POF. I was online for a few months talking to all sorts of different guys, I talked to one guy for like a month met him for a coffee and it didn't work out. I thought I should just give up, but then I tried it again and I found the love of my life. We both couldnt be happier.
I def say it is worth a shot, just be safe and make sure you get to spend the time to get to know them before you just jump in and meet someone. Talk to them online and on the phone, if they really care about you or care to meet you they will understand when you say you would just like to chat a little bit and get to know them before you jump in.
Just make sure if and when you do meet them you are some where there are people around, Don't go to there house because you never really know. But give it a shot like I said I am happy I did! I do not regret it, even though I was embarrassed at being online I would of never of met such an amazing person.
Mel=)
You said it! You don't seem very healthy right now... i.e. you do have diagnosable depression, for one. It's okay since everyone has problems; but spare guys who don't know you already of your issues until you work them out, and spare yourself from starting new relationships since it doesn't sound like what you need by any means. Focus on getting your life together. Love comes and happens naturally, but it also takes some time and effort to keep up a good relationship. Love just happens. When it happens, that's when you put your energy into it.
And personally I don't think you have to resort to online dating. The whole thing is so scummy in my experience.
You actually sound a bit shy to me and maybe a bit scared. Have you been hurt in the past? All I can tell you is to play it safe when you decide to meet that special someone and be careful. Meet in a public place like a restaurant or a coffee shop or a bar....don't introduce yourself until you have checked the person out from a far and bring a friend with you in order to be safe. I have had a few long term relationships with people that I met online and they were all wonderful experiences. But I played by the rules and you should to. Follow whatever your heart tells you to. I think you are thinking too much. Play but play safely. Good luck in whatever you decide. You seem like a smart young woman . I am sure you will make the right decision for yourself.
Something is being severely repressed here. No doubt about it.
You don't want a real man, you want the image of a man.
You shouldn't worry about dating. Why don't you take up a new hobby or focus on something you're passionate about? Dating itself isn't fun anyway, in fact it's a tedious, pretentious bore. Why not just let things happen?
Should you force yourself to date even if you’re too busy for
it? Should you ever close yourself completely off from dates, romance,
and relationships?
I would never force my self to be in a relationship. If don't want to be in a relationship why should I lead on someone who DOES want to be in it? Why would I waste their time?
Anything forced never works out the way anyone planned.
As of right now I am staying single regardless of whoever comes my way.
Right now I am working on myself. I want to be come more 'complete' and independent. I want to ensure that I am ready for a commitment. All of my friends say you should get a girlfriend but I know what I want and won't get someone involved while I am working on my self.
In addition, I also take school very seriously and studying takes up most of my time except when I'm not working. And my entire paycheck goes to my car so even if I did have a gf I wouldn't be able to do anything with her -_____-
At the end of the day, as long as you know what you're doing is right. Don't stop doing it.
If you need to question what you're doing then I would suggest putting yourself in their shoes and seeing how they felt.
Good luck!
I felt the same way- I work a TON, and I go to school full time. I met my bf on OKCupid in November. We hit it off so well online that I made time to meet him. (It was on black Friday at 1130 at night. I had to be back at work at 7 a.m., but I really wanted to meet him. After meeting him that night, he asked to see me again the next night. I got off work at 7 p.m. that Saturday, rushed home to shower, and then went to his place. He made me Italian stuffed chicken breasts. I don't usually do this, but I stayed the night with him that night and was an hour late to work the next morning. I never went home after that. We've been together ever since. He works two jobs as a computer programmer, so he understands my busy life. It worked out for us because we made time.