My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months. He's known his friends for pretty much all his life. They've been dating their girlfriends for practically half of theirs. All of the girlfriends are close because they've been dating their boyfriends for so long so they've become like a little family. I'm talking vacations together, holidays, the whole nine. I find that when we all get together I get this uncomfortable, intimidating feeling. It's never easy being the new girl - in any situation.
That's not to say that these girls aren't nice to me or treat me unfairly. That's not the case at all. In fact, I think there's an effort on both of our parts to get to know each other better and hang out. It's just not easy walking into a situation like that where you're the new girl and these people have been together for nearly ten years or what have you. I feel like I'm in high school and they're in the clique I want to be a part of. Believe it or not, I actually get along better with the guys. I want to get along with these girls out of respect for my boyfriend, I just don't know what else to do! When we all hang out together, they're all getting along great and all I want to do is go home with my boyfriend and crawl in a ball and cuddle!
Thankfully, this situation hasn't affected me and boyfriend's relationship. I hope that one day I'll look back on this and it will all seem silly and we'll be great friends, I just don't see that happening anytime soon.
So I have to ask datingish readers ..
have you had a similar situation like this? how long did it take for you to get over it? did it affect your relationship?
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Comments (21)
patience. i haven't been in this situation before, but i think you're doing fine. don't rush anything. in time you will all click.
Girls are bitches. I'm either super close with girls or there's a palpable distance between us, and I know I'll never become close with them and they know they'll never become close with me. Guys are just a lot easier to get along with in general, don't sweat it.
@LightBlue21@xanga - I'm going to save your first sentence as expert testimony from a girl.
\Start gradually. Rather than take everyone on at once, see if you can get to know one of the girls really well and start building that base for a friendship. From there, invite another one of the girls to join you two and get to know her as well. Basically maintain the patience and effort until it feels comfortable to be around everyone.
I'd arrange a hangout with just the girlfriends. Make it a girls' night, hit some bars, get dinner, that sort of thing. But if you arrange it, that looks really good on you, you know? And the next time you see them, you'll have something to talk about. You'll have started making memories with them.
-Katie
Well, I remembered when I was the new guy in my last relationship. And with the relationship being rocky, when I visited her, I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. It was the same with her when she visited me. But, that was the past. I guess I should prepare myself for the next round of being the new guy.
I haven't had a situation regarding relationships but my female coworkers like to gossip and they're in the process of analyzing me to see if I can be part of their work clique or "sorority"
there's also a few male coworkers that I can't stand:D that was a rant:P anyway, I wouldn't really want to feel obligated to befriend his best friend's gfs, but it comes with the territory I suppose, similar to how if someone is close to their family, you'll have to be accepted and hang around them as well. this situation seems like extra baggage to me because I have my own set of best friends separate from them and I'm in a relationship with my bf, not them, but I have to tag along and try to become bestfriends with the females...but yeah, it is part of the deal.
If these women are not excluding you or intentionally making you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, it's probably because they'd like to get to know you and ultimately accept you as a friend. I've been in this situation, and was lucky enough that the people in my guy's life were very kind and welcoming - I hope this is the case for you as well. It takes patience AND effort, lots of effort, but if you are willing (and they are too), I'm positive the "new girl" feeling will definitely pass. Good luck!!
sometimes, you're just psyching yourself out. i've felt that way many times, but it eventually fades as i let me guard down and feel less resistant and intimidated by them.
Totally been there. It's so awkward...especially when both sides are making equal effort but still unable to bridge the gap. They have their inside jokes and their obscure songs and movies...most of the time, I could barely even follow the conversation.
All of a sudden everyone would start laughing and I'd just...ya know...be like "ahahahahahahaha........ha...?"
I don't know what to tell you, though. I broke up with the dude before I could get closer with his friends. lol. good luck!
i have the exact same situation going on. all of my boyfriends friends are a group together and have been since high school, and they all date within the group. becoming a part of that is a hard thing to go through... they all have stories and memories and you're completely left out. they all seem to like me and don't have a problem with me nor do i have a problem with them but it's not easy to just fit into a group. hopefully we'll have luck becoming more comfortable with the group! good luck!
Yes, I have been there, too. Totally awkward. In time, you'll blend in, but sometimes, that'll never happen either. All I can really say is, don't try to fit in. Just be you. Make polite conversations and get to know them. When they invite you out, go out with them and mingle. It'll become less uncomfortable and you'll feel right at place with them. If not, that's okay, too. After all, you're not in a relationship with them but your bf.
wow you're so lucky!!!! don't take that for granted...these might be some people that could be lifelong friends!
If I were you I would drop the negative attitude. (wait for it, don't get mad!)
It sounds like a really fun group. If you try hard to be nice to these girls, and drop the negativity you could be in for a real treat. I suggest stop clamoring onto the guys and put your best foot forward to make some great new friends.
I say, don't worry about it. The less anxiety you have about fitting in, the better you will fit in. And if you don't, oh well. You presumably have your own friends and it's healthy to have your own separate friends.
i hate being the new girl...only advice i can give you is just be nice to them even if it's hard, you don't have to be their friends just bc your bf is friends with their bf and since it happened to you, don't be like those girls for the next new girl.
I am in the same situation...while I've known his group of friends for years and consider us friends...we're not close. At least not yet. We've become more comfortable with each other when its just the girls hanging out at their work league games, so I'm hopeful that we'll get along better in the future. Just give it time! =)
I wish my boyfriend brought me around his friends/peers.
give it time and if it's meant to be it'll work out.
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - if you've been dating longer than a couple of months and he hasn't brought you around his friends he either doesn't have any or he's got another girl. Then again he may be waiting until he's sure he wants to marry you before bringing you around his friends. Has he told you why he doesn't bring you around?
@renise01@xanga - He's got no friends, he says. And I play detective a lot - might be extreme paranoia that causes me to find a strand of long hair (of different colors) on his body or belongings (like in a car) every half a year. Other than that, not too many phone calls made after moving in with him.