This post was submitted anonymously.
When my boyfriend and I first started seeing each other, he introduced me to one of his female friends who happened to be a lesbian. This was never an issue and we actually became really close. She was a part of the big group of friends that my boyfriend and I would hang out with, so we would see each other quite often. When my boyfriend and I decided to move in together, that's when the fighting began.
There were a lot of insecurities and built up anger for other reasons, but this female friend was always there for the both of us. Then, after 7 months, we had a really bad argument and decided to take a "break".
While we were broken up for a month, this female friend played messenger between us because she was our mutual friend. At some point, she started to become more of a nag than a friend who wanted to help the situation. She would say uncomfortable things to me like "sit on my lap and cry."
She used to show my boyfriend and me messages that we used to send to her in regards to the other, but she would delete messages here and there and copy and paste things out of context for completely unknown reasons. Eventually, it became so insane that my boyfriend and I finally met up to compare messages and found out what was going on.
She deleted my number, kept bothering my boyfriend, and then ended up confessing that she was actually attracted to me and had feelings for me the whole time. It seems as if she was trying to sabotage my relationship with my boyfriend in order to spend more time with me.
She clearly knows that I am not attracted to other girls, so why would she even try to do this? I haven't spoken to her since the incident and it is incredibly awkward now, what should I do?
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Comments (33)
Sounds like the issue isn't her or your sex... the issue is that three people in a relationship is one too many. Cut her out and move on.
I mean, if you know for certain that she was trying to sabotage your relationship, I'd refuse all contact with her and never attempt to be her friend again. A friend is someone who looks out for your best interest.
If you and your ex ever decide to get back together I'd have him resist all contact with her as well.
I knew a girl once EXACTLY like this. I was in the same boat about two years ago. My ex & I stopped talking to her completely & just moved on with our lives.
Invasive much? I agree with @opticalnoise@xanga . Cut her out and try to reconcile with him.
I agree with the other posters. It's time to drop this friend, because she really isn't a friend.
Her sexual orientation is inconsequential, really. What matters is that she is definitely not friend material.
I've had the same exact thing happen to me hon. Drop her like a hot potato, or at least distance her
She doesn't seem to have your best interests in mind - for you, your boyfriend, or your relationship.. Cut her out of your life!
Do not simply "cut her out" of your life.
You have to talk to her about the situation, and not let her get involved in your relationship with your boyfriend. Don't even bring him up with her.
>< I love my friend but I wouldn't do that to her, just out of respect for her (plus she's straight).
But she obviously didn't know how to handle her love for you respectively, either way you have to confront her about it. It'd be as if it was one of your close friends, but they liked your boyfriend, how would you handle that? But all three of you should work this out, if she can't handle that you and her won't "be a thing" then you probably should stop talking to her. Maybe when she moves on and then you all can be friends again. :D
A lot of people in the comments seem to say to try to "work it out" with the girl. I don't really understand this. I think the best thing to do is cut her out of your life and especially your relationship. If it was a straight man pursuing you while you were in a relationship, I feel like people would be jumping all over him about what an awful person he is and telling you to stay away from him. Why is it any different when it's a lesbian? I don't understand.
I would definitely keep her at a safe distance- but don't disrespect or embarassed her, because life can be real Bias:(
You should ignore it and leave her alone. If she deleted your number and confessed, she's probably trying to get over it. In the mean time, be a good friend if she comes to you but have clear boundaries and don't play games. Lucky you ;)
@LoveCounsel_MD@xanga - Why does she "have" to talk to her about the situation. This is describing a lying, hurtful person. Someone who is in a real friendship and really cares would not lie and cause a divide between the people she cares about. That is emotional abuse. And the abused need not give explanation to the abuser.
To the poster: she is not your friend. She is a clingy, jealous manipulator. Relationships in any form are not healthy when one of the parties is a manipulator. If you want to, you can tell her why you are ending the "friendship." But only if there is a benefit you need from that conversation. You are not required to make sure you don't hurt her feelings. Do what is healthiest for you - and if it means yanking off that dirty bandaid and throwing it in the trash, then do it. You don't need to tell the bandaid why.
@sarahsmurfette@xanga - Yes, do as you will without considering anyone else's feelings. I understand why you would tell her to do that, but people aren't "bandaids". Look, everyone makes mistakes. The mature thing to do is to talk about it with her, and then, if necessary, distance yourself, if only for a little while.
@KatIsRadOK - Sorry but I feel no obligations, personally, to make sure I don't hurt the feelings of someone who has manipulated my life and my relationship with unkind motives. And that feeling has come with maturity. When i was younger, I thought I could work things out so that everyone had nice pretty flowery feelings and outcomes. Then life happened, and I realized instincts are everything. And being polite has nothing at all to do with protecting yourself when your instinct is warning you about someone. Which hers is, because she no longer feels comfortable in this person's presence.
god that's awkward.
Her sexuality doesn't matter. She admitted to sabotaging a relationship you clearly care about. If she is being inappropriate and acting this way, she's not a friend at all. She's clearly crossed some boundaries and her friendship doesn't sound healthy.
@opticalnoise@xanga - It won't let me recommend your comment but.. THIS!
crap. if it wasn't for the whole manipulating texting thing that would have been hot.
You just tell her that your not attracted to her. That your straight. Tell her..."You've been caught! I know you were trying to break us up and it shows that your not really a good friend. A good friend wouldn't try to do that despite having some feelings."
I would treat this situation the same way you'd treat it if the lesbian was a guy friend you were not attracted to in any way. She clearly isn't a good friend to either you or your boyfriend, so I'd just cut her. Who needs friends like that?
cut her out of the relationship. it's a two person thing, not three.
Just ignore that female "friend". This has nothing to do with your attractiveness of your sexuality... It's clear that she knows you're straight, and you do have a boyfriend (ok this sentence is rubbish), but c'mon, I don't think she would like to be in this situation as well. She can't help but being in love with you. Being in love with someone you shouldn't isn't something you can actually change. Though it's pretty clear that she did something wrong; if she really loves you, she should respect you and stop all the mess she's creating between you and your boyfriend.
So, big conclusion: Ignore the girl who loves you and be strong. If this continues you'll hurt her more. Tell her straight away to find other lesbians. :P Good luck anyway :)I hate how everyone tells you to just cut her out, like she was evil or something. Love makes people believe the weirdest tings...she probabaly thinks you just said you were straight but that it's not true and is convinced that you and him aren't happy (because she's convincing herself). I don't think she's a bitchy as it seems. I don't think that a frienship should always be thrown overboard like
this; you both seemed to be close to her. Complications happen. It depends on how you feel about it now.
I say just confront her; tell her it's never going to happen and that it would have hurt you if she had destroyed your relationship. Also say that you are angry...say whatever you feel. She'll probabaly feel very hurt and choose not to be in touch with you for a while...but honesty is the best policy. Maybe you can begin again and be friends as you used to be.
You don't need to work anything out with her. If she was heterosexual, she would have gone for your boyfriend, would you have wanted to work things out with her then? Probably not. A sneak is a sneak, don't treat her with kid gloves just because she was in love with you.