I have had several friends tell me recently, "I love my boyfriend, but I would never marry him." This was shocking because for most of these girls, they are in relationships that have been going on for at least a year or longer.
It doesn't seem right that they are staying in a relationship when they already know that it isn't going to go anywhere long term. That's not to say you shouldn't begin a relationship without knowing for a fact that you want to marry the other person. That would be unreasonable. I'm saying, for someone to be so adamant about not wanting to marry the other person, it just seems strange to even continue the relationship.
Another friend suggested that maybe they were just staying with them because they wanted to gain "experience" before they met Mr. Right. In that case, isn't it still unfair for the guy in this situation to be used for "experience"? Although, I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would have no problem with this. It still wouldn't be considerate to the guys who expect something more, but are being used until their girlfriends find someone else they deem more suitable for themselves.
I can understand dating around for fun or to just test out the waters, but once you have been with someone for a year or longer, there is a commitment there that requires a level of maturity beyond, "He's not husband material, but I'm just going to stick around anyway."
If this isn't the right time to call it quits, then when is? Have you ever been guilty of staying in a relationship longer than you know you should have? Why did you prolong the inevitable break-up?
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Comments (53)
What's the point on being with someone if you daon't plan to fully commit?
I agree, unless you see some sort of potential perhaps that he will mature into the guy you want him to be, but then it seems you're just sticking around because of attachment. Steady for more than a year otherwise seems pretty serious.
If you know you aren't going to marry the person you're dating I don't see the point in staying in the relationship. It's actually pointless....in my opinion.
I would say it's pointless if you are not going to fully commit to them in any way possible. Marriage isn't the only way to fully commit. Not everyone plans on getting married but they would still like to spend a great number of years with another person. Just without the papers and the wedding. But otherwise yes, you are stringing that person along and that isn't right.
Why is marriage the only possible end result? A lot of people just don't want to get married. Why should that invalidate a relationship. And even if these are placeholder relationships, so what? Why is that wrong, either?
Sometimes relationships change once marriage happens and they are scared that it won't stay the way it is if they do something like marriage. For some reason or another, along with that legal step come new ideas on how things should and should not be done and so forth. I don't know what it is but it happens.
So maybe it isn't commitment they don't want, perhaps it's just change, 'if it's not broke, why try to fix it?'
Sometimes people hold on because they don't have the balls to break it off and find someone whom they will marry. Sometimes people hold on because they don't think they can get anyone else. It just depends on them and the issues surrounding them.
It's a weird thing to do. I have a close friend who was like that with her recent ex. She was with him, but never really planned on marrying him. He was the same way until a bit later when he wanted to get more serious.
But, as @NikBv@xanga, marriage doesn't always have to be the end result while still staying together. Some people just don't feel the need to have that label and would have things work out better for them.
I think the general rule of thumb would be that if someone doesn't plan on staying in the relationship for the long run, they have to be upfront about it when the relationship starts. Because, like you mentioned, it would be unfair if the other person does want something serious.
Yeah... I um, seem to be in the type of relationship that you are talking about. I love him. I really do. I just can't picture marrying him. That doesn't mean that I don't care about him or I don't enjoy every moment with him. It's just that I don't plan to be with him forever. Does that make sense?
I've had experiences in the past, tried to stay together even if that person didn't like me for who I am, just because of what I felt for that person. I knew I couldn't stick around if he didn't love me for me. I tried, tried so hard to make things work but I knew the consequences but still didn't want to give up. I knew once it hits me real hard and breaks me completely then I would have enough courage to walk away. And that's what happened. Forcing myself to face reality and even letting him hurt me so I can let go.
Why waste time and beauty when you deserve better? Maybe it's easier for an independent girl like me, so I'm okay with being single. Unfortunately, not everyone is the same.
-Let it hurt you. Walk away. Smile. Forgive. Forget.
I dont plan on marrying my so any time soon. We have been together for 5 years and I am greatly in love with him but marriage would be a burden for me. He has no finical stability and nothing to offer in a marriage right now. He couldn't contribute anything and i would be stuck with his finical debt. but just because we aren't getting married doesn't mean I dont want to be with him forever. I dont believe a relationship has to eventually become a marriage. that is just a title and I dont need that title to show my commitment. i'm already committed to him. I dont need a peice of paper telling me i'm his forever.
I'm in a relationship of over 4 years, and I don't plan on getting married. It has nothing to do with him, or how our relationship is. I would never marry anyone. I love my boyfriend, I want to be with him forever, but it would be against my wishes to get married. I don't believe in God, and therefore marriage has absolutely no meaning to me other than legal purposes. If I had to, I'd just go to the courthouse and sign the legal documents saying we are domestic partners or something, so he is the one in charge of me in case of emergencies and not my family. That's the only logic I see in marriage, and other than that it just makes no sense. I don't see that as "going nowhere", I just see it as not being something that's important to me. I mean, my mind could change over time. But right now... I'm only 20. I have some time.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
yeah, it's not fair for the guy or the girl. it's like you're leading them on. so what if they feel the same way. you're both wasting each other's time by being together but not really ever planing on committing. it's emotionally and at times financially impractical. it's like exclusive friends with benefits. it's not fair for the future mr./ms. right that you are doing all these things for a person you never plan on committing to. what makes the future partner any more special than you're practice spouse? it's not genuine anymore...
if you're not committing because of financial reasons, is it because you don't want to be responsible for those? i think if you love some one, really love some one, you will accept everything, good, bad, flaws, short comings. so avoiding financial responsibilities by not marrying that person, is like you're rejecting that person all the same.
"i love you, but..." is horrible. it should be "i love you." no justification or conditions.
i would never get into a relationship with someone who i didn't see a future with, notice i said a future with - not marriage . i don't want to get married, but that doesn't mean that i don't want a long term committed relationship . not everyone else feels this way - that's why communication is key .
I've spent ten months, two years, and seven months in relationships with people I knew I wasn't going to marry. Sometimes you get other things out of a relationship that keep you in it while you're in it, even if you aren't intending to be in it forever.
I didn't start dating until I was 19 which I think is relatively late to get into the dating game, but I sure as hell was not thinking about marriage when I was that age.It's only not fair if one is under the impression that marriage is going to be the end result of the relationship. If both parties are comfortable with not getting married there shouldn't be an issue.
@NikBv@xanga - Marriage doesn't always have to be the end result of a relationship, but that's only if both parties are on the same page. If one wants to get married and the other don't, don't you think that's unfair? Shouldn't the one who don't want to get married find someone who share the same view as her and not string the one who wants to get married along? It makes perfect sense to me. It's okay if you or anyone don't want to get married, but be upfront about it. Don't mislead someone on just because.
Anyways, to the OP, I agree with you. I would never stay or mislead someone when I don't see a future with them aka getting married. If I didn't want to get married, I'll find someone whose on the same page as me.
i dont think i have ever said that while IN a relationship. more like in a relationship i ponder what i want with the guy and when it ends, then i think that i wouldnt have wanted to marry them anyway. lol. but i have never even been able to get myself to commit to moving out with a man. so meh.
I broke up with a bf because he had this absolute 4 year plan for his life that said until after that time frame, he would never marry. If the relationship is by definition not allowed to grow, why stagnate yourself?
My next bf? Yeah, we were married within the year and now we have 2 children. A relationship that is not allowed to grow is not healthy. End of story.
Yeah... if you know it's heading nowhere fast, then ties should probably be severed. It's not fair for the dude to get strung along, especially if he feels differently than she.
maybe get the details quickly if the couple isn't on the same page, such as one wants to eventually get married but the other one doesn't and is fine with how they are or one never wants kids but the other person does or one highly prefers if the person has similar religious views or anything else that might lead to resentment, annoyance or anything that would cause too many irreconcilable differences.
Sometimes people just feel the need to be in a relationship.
maybe they're just having fun and neither one wants to marry the other, but they enjoy each others company and like being more than just friends. who knows...it's happening more lately.
If I knew that I'd have a long term relationship with him, I'd still stay. Yeah, I'd like to get married and all that. But honestly, if I knew I'd have a relationship that lasted a lifetime (but we never got married for whatever reason), I'd still take it. I have an uncle and aunt who never got married but have been together since I was about 4 or 5 and they're doing it strong while I have a different aunt (both my uncle and aunts are on my dad's side) who's been married twice.
I think that I'm not ready for marriage. But a serious relationship, yes (if it was with the right kind of guy).
Well, what's wrong with it if the boyfriend doesn't plan on marrying her either? It's not like she's lying to him or leading him on.
I would being to wonder if someone I knew was in a relationship several years and knew they didn't want to marry the other person. But if the other person knows, then it's their choice whether or not they want to stick around.