Thursday, 01 December 2011
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What Would You Say?
I have a friend who is repeatedly in a situation where she befriends a guy and starts to like him. They become really close, and it's not clear if he likes her or just sees her as a really close friend. After a while, he ends up liking/dating one of her friends.
She gets sad and depressed, then turns to me and asks, "Why does this keep happening to me?"
And I want to be honest, but I can't. She has a cute face, a great personality, and can flirt with the best of them. But she's overweight. She's not just a little overweight, but a significant amount. I really do believe that this is why these guys end up just seeing her as a friend and liking someone else who's usually not as cute or funny, but is definitely thinner.
Some people may say it's not a big deal, but I know it bothers guys. I have a friend that decided not to pursue a relationship with a great girl, simply because of her weight. It's also a bigger deal because it's more acceptable for you to be bigger in certain cultures, but she's Asian and Asians tend to be more petite. Not always, but often times these guys that she likes are Asian, who tend to like their women more petite.
But I can't tell her that I think that's the reason these guys don't like her. I think it'll crush her. And I don't know how I would even bring it up or what I would say. Yet, I really think if she lost some weight these guys would end up liking her. I don't want this cycle to continue, but I don't want to crush her, either, and possibly harm our friendship.
What would you say?
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Comments (132)
she already knows the solution to her problem, but is unwilling to admit it. sometimes people are afraid to confront the truth, and you're doing her no favors by withholding that truth from her. in fact, in my book, that makes you a bad friend. i've had cases where people who i think are good friends of mine aren't forthcoming with me about something, and as a result, i don't trust them anymore (and our friendship soon fizzles out).
that being said, there's certainly a cultural difference involved here, and this is precisely the reason i won't date girls who are from california.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I was agreeing with you until you got to the part about not dating girls from California. Some of us are completely awesome.
You should just talk to her about it. If she trusts you enough to talk to you about it, she probably wants to know her opinion. It's no secret that people like healthier looking people. She doesn't need to be stick thin, but I'm assuming she doesn't look good/healthy either. She probably already knows, too, but never has the guts to talk to anyone about it.
I suspect you're right about it being a weight issue, but to be certain, I would try and find out more about these guys. Finding out why these guys left your friend might be difficult, if not entirely futile, but it might uncover more significant reasons why your friend is constantly friendzoned... reasons that may not have to do with her weight.
If that doesn't work, then instead of approaching it from a "here's what I think is wrong with you" perspective, you could try spinning it into a "let's figure out ways to improve your dateability" and go from there. When it comes to weight issues, given how touchy women can be about it, another option is to invite her on workout sessions as a way of bonding, without explicitly suggesting it as a way to make her lose weight.
My two cents.
I would just tell her what you just said. Youy seemed sensitive enough about it in your blog that i am sure you can pull this off verbally. But yeah... so true!! What you said. Maybe if someone tells her the truth for once, she will drop the cupcakes and hit the gym. =) Sad that one has to do that but that is how people are. =/
If you really are a friend to that obese friend of yours, tell her without sugarcoating. True friends deserve to be told the truth. If she takes it personally, it's obviously her self-esteem issue. An open communication is essential to a great friendship. You should never be afraid of speaking your mind to your friends. Offer her your word of advice, or maybe even invite her to your cardio sessions (If you exercise).
honestly, she probably knows why they keep rejecting her, but it's also probably a vicious cycle. being rejected just makes her upset, so she eats, and so things continue. maybe you could encourage her to join a gym with you, or ask her to go with you on a walk or something to help her exercise without looking too pushy or forced.
If she needs you to tell her its her weight, then she may have more problems that just her weight. I've always believed you should date within your league (looks, wealth, classiness, etc). I had a friend one time, pushing 30, overweight, and he liked this girl that was 19, maybe 20, and total model material. He thought he had a great shot, and was hurt when she rejected him. I knew all along that he didn't have a shot, but being a good friend, I didn't say, "look man, you're fat, funny looking and creepy older!" THAT, would make me a bad friend. So, to the author of this article, I'd say ignore those who are telling you you're a bad friend for not telling her its because she's plump. I think the opposite is true. Her feelings are hurt enough by guys not liking her, she doesn't need her friend to discourage her all the more. Be what she needs, not Dr. Laura.
I didn't read the article, but damn that fat chick is the size of at least two of the skinny chicks.
Even if you do find a way to tell her that her weight is the issue and she commits to losing it, it's still not a guarantee that the guys she finds herself falling for are suddenly going to find themselves falling for her instead.
Aww.. Poor girl :( TBH, I always thought chubby asians look, not better but they dont look bad or anything. Different. I remember seeing this chubby one the other day (she was younger) and she looked like a cute girl, but yes.. Overweightness isnt a good thing. But Im sure she will meet a guy one day who looks past that
My former roommate is obese. She's 21 years old and never been kissed or asked out on a date. She thinks her weight isn't an issue. She also has very Disney fairy-tale notions about love and relationships, and thinks that because she's a psychology major she understands the way all of it works. She also is going to stay virgin until married.
If I were a guy, I wouldn't go for that either. Poor girl. :(
1) She's completely aware of why this happens every time.
2) She asks you why because she knows you're too kind-hearted to tell her the truth.
3) It will continue to happen until SHE decides to start living healthier, and taking better care of herself.
4) That will never happen if she knows that every time a guy ignores her she can come running to you to find some form of comfort or reassurance.
People never change until staying the same hurts more than the effort required to change.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - This is true. Losing weight isn't a guarantee that guys will start liking her.
However, not making the change is almost a guarantee that they will continue to not be interested, with rare exceptions, of course.
Fishing: If you have your lure in the water, you might catch something. If you don't have your lure in the water, you definitely won't catch anything.
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - hahahaha sorry sweetheart, i was in grad school there for 2 years and never met a single native that could speak his or her mind. cali girls are 0 and 5 with me, and i draw the line there :)
well i'd say what she already knows- its her size. just bring it up tactfully. people say its a health thing, but in our society its more of an "image thing" and unfortunately the way you look is probably what guys notice the most in the dating world. she already knows all this. but maybe bring up how eating healthier and exercising regularly would really make her happy, regulate moods, be balancing and would make her feel really good! that alone is awesome. and just say you can help her figure out how to cook healthy or maybe work out somedays with her either way just be supportive. sometimes people just dont know how to do things or really look into it. theres really no loss to taking care of yourself and your body. so its a win win and the guys will come as they come.
maybe help her draw out some health resolutions at some point. but probably not the moment of. i just think commiting to maybe 30 mins exercise 3x a week. or try a new healthy recipe a couple times a week. something like that would be a good start.
peoples always try to make health sound terrible- but its actually really fun! she can have a lot of fun rediscovering her energy and really going for it! she might even fall in love with a sport or type of dance, or whatever she chooses to do
fat women are BEAUTIFUL
@Doug Bonds@facebook - I am completely and utterly awesome. There's just no way around it :)
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - You were in the wrong part of California. I've never been able to get anyone to shut up long enough to share my opinion here.
There is no easy way to approach this unfortunately. You can be as tactful as possible and might end up losing a friend. However I agree with those that are saying you aren't helping her any by not telling her the truth. I wish we lived in the ideal world where things like this didn't matter and people really were attracted to personality a lot more than looks but we don't. I'm about 99.99% sure she already knows what it is but as others have said, she goes to her friends to tell her it's something different and most likely irrelevant. As someone else said it is a cycle. When I started to gain weight and become insecure about myself the more I thought about it, the more I turned to food, so the more I gained weight. Thankfully now I've gotten a hold of things and I have friends/family making the lifestyle change with me. Be honest with her and try to be tactful but direct.
Expect her to try and deny it and even expect her to ignore you for a few days even. If she doesn't react poorly it is a good chance to offer her some help and tips. If you are an active person invite her to work out with you or hook her up with someone who is. Ultimately the decision to change things will be up to her but she may never make that decision if people just keep avoiding the real reason things aren't working out.
I would say "Hey, do you want to go to the gym/walk with me/make a healthy meal with me?"
It will be more supportive to actually take action to help her than to just tell her what needs to be done.
believe me, your fat friend knows she's fat. she knows it more intimately than you could imagine. she also knows that is why she is being rejected - in part. but she comes to you for comfort and for validation that she can indeed flirt with the best of them, that she does have a great sense of humor, etc.
don't tell her she's fat. instead, without being blatant, invite her to your more active events. if you all are going to play volleyball at the beach or on a hike or if you're walking to a store to do some quick shopping. one of my favorite things to do on a winter night (mind, it doesn't snow where i live) is to buy a hot coffee and walk around the neighborhood with my best friend, admiring everyone's christmas lights. little active things like that will get her in the swing of being more active, if she is obese because she's inactive. active people also tend to naturally crave healthier foods in my experience, so if she moves more her eating may also improve -- again, if that is a cause.
but people can be obese for many reasons, which is why i advise you NOT to just straight up tell her she's obese. if she's fat because, say, she's on a prescription medication that causes weight gain.... can you see how devastating it may be to hear, "no one wants you because you're fat", no matter how nicely it is worded, no matter how much you sugar coat it?
Maybe she'll get lucky and find a guy who thinks like @maybmaybnot@xanga haha
Another option besides telling her to lose weight if she wants a better shot is to not keep trying to date Asian guys. I know people like to stay within their ethnicity sometimes (and have pressure from parents). And maybe she isn't even attracted to non-Asians. I'm gonna generalize and say she might have a better shot with a black guy. Or even a white guy, since not all of them want a petite girl.
Just throwing out that suggestion so she doesn't discouraged.
@sunflowersforlove@xanga - I agree, surely there are some awesome Californians. We shouldn't all be grouped together. There are good and bad in every group.
As a chubby Asian chick, I'd have to say there's nothing new to be said about her being chubby and that Asian females should be thin, blah blah blah that she doesn't know already. Telling her that her being heavy probably won't change anything, except diminish her self esteem more. The only time she will lose weight is when she wants to, and puts forth the effort to eat well and participate in regular physical activity. I don't know exactly how your friend behaves with the guys she dates, and surely not all guys just want thin women--there is possibly a combinations of reasons as to why guys pass her over in favor of her thinner friends (weight may seem like the apparent issue because all her friends are much thinner compared to her, but it could be something else). So, while I am in favor of always being truthful, I think it would be better to encourage her to focus her energies on how she can be a better version of herself (get a better job, excel at a hobby, get fit, etc) rather than looking for love. I think using weight is a poor excuse for not finding love. I have some friends are are heavy who found love and are happily married. Perhaps she is going out with guys looking for Ms Right Now rather than Mrs Right.
I think she may be going for the wrong guys. Guys she subconsciously knows will reject her. When someone is depressed a lot (like you have stated your friend gets after she is rejected), it can lead to a whole bunch of other problems. It really might not be her weight at all, but a combination of a bunch of variables. Actually, that pretty much is true with anyone. While losing weight may slightly increase her chances of finding someone, it also may do nothing. Maybe find out what she actually wants in a guy, and go from there. When thinking of finding a long term significant other, weight (at least to a certain degree for a lot of people) seems like a small portion of what actually makes you attracted to someone. Besides, when you lose weight, doing it for someone else and not for yourself can backfire very badly. I'd rather my overweight friends to hold out and wait for someone who isn't just all into looks anyways. Not to say looks don't matter to a lot of people, but if that's the only thing holding a relationship together, it doesn't seem worth it.
If you do say something it should focus on her HEALTH how anyone man or woman wants to be with someone that is HEALTHY and LOOKS AFTER THEMSELVES. It's not about being SKINNY because that is the kind of shit that starts earting disorders ...she doesn't need to be stick thin to get a boyfriend! She just needs to be at a HEALTHY weight. And I seriously think this is overlooked on xanga quite a lot.