Wednesday, 30 November 2011
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20's and Dating
I have been dating this one special guy since the very beginning of September. I wrote another article questioning: "what to do, or how to move onto the next level with him" but I've crumpled that up like a terrible draft, tossed it in the trash and couldn't be happier with where we are- wherever/whatever that is.We have met each other's families, which was hilariously awkward on both parts but enjoyable nonetheless. I walked into his house and met his entire family from the obese Labrador, who by far is my favorite ever, to the 3 other pets, his 3 younger siblings, and lastly both his mom and step-dad.
We act like a couple. We go everywhere together, spend hours upon hours together, and we are even going on a day road trip-legitimately driving all day and back in 24 hours- this Sunday to the Fray Concert in St. Petersburg (holla!) 9 hours from home. The one hour stereotypical coffee date without a doubt always turns into a 9 hour adventure date.
We haven't had the (lets get all cray cray with acronyms) "DTR" (define the relationship) conversation at all. AT ALL. Other than saying I like you....
I just dove into the pool and joined the decade of 20-year-olds. I am very used to the awkward, check yes, check no, check maybe conversations that this situation leaves me a little confused, although I'm not complaining. So the question is, what do you guys do to initiate a relationship in your 20's? Is there a talk, or when it feels right/ is already there?
Compared to some of my friends and their relationships we are still getting to know each other, although it's almost been 4 months versus the 2 month superfast HOV lane relationship some friends will have, where moving in together is already on their minds. No lie, I wish we were there sometimes (not moving in HAH) but in retrospect...this is the best "relationship" I have ever been in, and experience says moving at a snails pace works 10x better.
Why?
Well...ahem.
It's not like the crazy unrequited infatuation, lose sight of my priorities kind of "liking." I love spending time with him and being with him more than anything, but I still have a grip and I love it.
The fact that it's different makes me question if I really do feel the way I say I do, but then being with him feels right; like we are supposed to be together and it's comfortable in a foreign way. It's just unreal, and for once I need to force myself to be vulnerable with this, because this is too good.
Again, question is: What do you guys do to initiate a relationship in your 20's?
Stories are more than welcome.
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- From: complidating
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Comments (31)
It already sounds like you are in a relationship. It also sounds like it doesn't really need defining. I think if you just go with the flow and appreciate what you got, no need to put the pressure on and you'll be good to go! Seriously though, I think the cutest relationships are the ones that aren't defined and just sort of happen.
Heh, heh! I haven't asked anyone out since 2007. I've always been asked out. But if you really feel the need to have your sitch defined, ask him if he'll keep going out with you.
Honestly, my current boyfriend didn't ask me out and I didn't ask him either. I think we "mutually agreed" to date. To sum it up: we were in the just friends zone for a really long time and then one day he kissed me and we were in the same situation as you. Then I asked him what he was going to put as his relationship status on Facebook and he said, "I guess in a relationship!" So that's how I did it.
my last relationship, we just mutually agreed to date but most of them start out by just hanging out with each other and doing intimate things and then someone asks the question and there's the relationship. quite simple.
The dreaded "talk" but if you're happy with the way you are now, just leave it at that and be on your happy way.
what...?
Well my situation was weird ... I got in a fight with my guy friend via text and he was like, "why are you mad at me? only a girlfriend would be mad at me for something like that?" we had been doing the whole dating-but-not-officially awkward stage and so yeah ... I didn't respond, so he said, "do you like me or something? is that why you're mad?" And I said, "yeah, maybe I do!" He got super excited and asked me out on a real date and we've been boyfriend and girlfriend since <3. Honestly, just wait til he brings it up, cause it sounds like things are going well. I hate sounding sexist, but I think it's best if a guy says I love you or brings up the DTR conversation first. They are more confident of their feelings, you're not rushing them, and it lets them feel in control. Until then, have fun!
Sounds like you are wanting some kind of verbal commitment from him. You both are obviusly going out and serious, so you either want a commitment from him or you are fishing to see if he will ask you the question to get married. If it isnt either one of these, I am a little confused as to what you want and what you are fishing for, then again, maybe you are not so sure either.
After a couple weeks of dating, my boyfriend said, "So...um, this is going to sound totally lame, but...like, when do you think we should...uh, make this Facebook-official?" He was blushing like crazy and sounded really nervous. It was adorable! :)
I couldn't do what you are doing. lol. I asked my now boyfriend a few weeks ago (after some drinks however, when a guy approached me in front of him), "so am I your girlfriend yet?" He told me, "I want you to be." And alas... we are officially a couple. lol. Just ask. Don't fall for the "I'm in my twenties" excuse.
idk what this has to do with "BEING IN YOUR TWENTIES". my boyfriend was my best friend of five years. then we kissed, and both knew it was amazing. 2 weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. i was 22. he was 24. shrug.
I remember commenting on someone else's blog post about something similar... Maybe it was yours, in which case, sorry for the repeat :) Your current thing sounds a lot like my current relationship, and it's been about eight months since we first became romantic (well, more like ten if you count when we first started talking/hanging out frequently). First question is how intimate have you been? I consider my current relationship having started after our first kiss back in April, or rather, we transitioned from just being friends to at least dating. I just kinda let it happen without worrying about what we were (which has played a part in the ruin of my past relationships), though I think we both kind of brought up conversation topics about us "dating." So yep... we never had the real talk. It was kinda like your relationship... he asked me to do stuff with him more and more frequently, and it became pretty obvious to everyone around us that we were a couple.
He also isn't a flirtatious type, and tends to be a relationship type guy, so I wasn't really worried about him being with other girls while we were together. Oh, and while I wouldn't recommend this method, though it worked for me in this case, I think we finally defined it after we had been physically intimate... I figured we were exclusive at that point anyways, but afterward we both kind of talked about "us" and we both established that sex wouldn't have happened if we weren't together (I can't remember the exact words).
Sorry for the long response, I think I'm incapable of short comments :) Hope this helps. Sometimes it's good to just go along for the ride and see where it goes instead of worrying... unless you meet someone else who might be a prospect, or one of you is moving and you want to establish it before you move somewhere else (actually my current bf is long distance and has been since June).
The picture is from Worlds Within, my favorite Korean drama ever
Why can't you initiate the relationship?
Im 22. My last relationship was with a 28year old man, with a daughter.
We worked together five days a week, lived together (shared a bed),
spent every day together, and were obviously sleeping together. It was
very hard for me to not get attached and to fall for him because of how
close we had become. I told him that from the beginning. That I had
feelings for him, and this wasn't going to be easy for me. He insisted
on taking it slow and not defining the relationship. He would constantly
tell me that I was just his friend, and not his girlfriend. He was
scared of jumping into another relationship without really feeling
something. The problem I had, was that I felt we were already extremely
involved. Whether he wanted to admit it to himself or not. He gave me
kisses on my forehead when he would leave for work, took me on real
dates, and held me before and after sex. I loved him, very quickly,
because of our scenario. I was always honest with him, and I think my
emotions scared him. The whole being in your "20s" thing is I think
exactly this problem. People are afraid of defining something, not
because they don't have the feelings to back it, but because they are
afraid of either getting hurt, or making a mistake. Since that
relationship, I am ok with not defining things, as long as we have a
mutual agreement to not sleep with other people. Sex is what ends up
unfortunatly defining the relationship, I think. Because youre obviously
"together" if youre having sex. And if you are exclusive and only
sleeping with eachother (which most people would want anyway) that leads
you straight into girlfriend boyfriend relations anyway. Guys are just
afraid of the breakup I think.
I've had three experiences this year, as a 20/21 yr old
1) Chinese, taking a break from med school, 24. After a first date, hanging out a few days later, and then me staying the night 3 nights in a row the next weekend, I ended up laying in bed with this guy naked (we didn't really do anything, though). It was the last night, and we were cuddling and he said he thought how far we were going physically was okay because it was technically our 5th date. I said if that is his logic, then we should be a relationship. 2 months later he said he felt I pushed him into a relationship too quickly and bailed.
2) Indian, managed and playing in a band and taught private music lessons, 27. He was up for sex on the second date, but I made him wait a month. 2 months in, and feeling myself falling for him, I asked him where he saw us going, and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship. I hung up, cried, the end. At least I kinda saw it coming...
3) Indian, second year of med school, 22. After 2 months I felt like we were acting like we were in a relationship, and because of some past issues (Chinese guy wouldn't tell his parents about me), I wanted to make it "official" so I knew he wouldn't try to hide me. He asked me if we had to put a label on it, I was like "Yes, we do. We are adults." After an hour of letting him think, he calls me back and says he is going to be too busy starting in January and just wanted to end things now. I did not see that coming, and he really showed what a spineless coward he was.
So basically, I have no fucking idea. I'd like to think I just have had really bad luck, but it seems guys in their 20s don't like the "r" word. Which is really really REALLY fucking stupid. I keep thinking maybe I should just things "go with the flow" or whatever, but then if he sleeps with another girl and he says "hey, we aren't in a relationship" that would crush me to pieces. Fuuuuuuuck that.
With my boyfriend and I, we had been friends for a long time - we even went to high school together - and it so happened that when I was on break from grad school, he decided to kiss me. One thing led to another and he asked me if I loved him. I have always loved him in some way, so I told him exactly that. Then we decided to "keep it fun and not worry about things" and I went back to grad school 20 hours away.
Fast-forward a week and - after a week of constant talking (text/IM/Skype) - it came up in conversation. Neither of us wanted to do a long distance relationship, and we both knew it. So, even though I didn't want to, I told him that he could see other people if he wanted to, I guess. He said he didn't want to see other people, and asked me if I wanted to see other people. I said no and that I only wanted to see him, but I knew he didn't want another long distance relationship, and within a day I had a "relationship request" from him on Facebook.
Nearly two years later, we're still together and we live together. I think you'll have the conversation when the timing is right and it'll happen how it happens. You could initiate the conversation, if you want, but don't rush into it before you think it's necessary.
My husband and I's relationship was noted when we told each other "I love you". Which was about 5 or 6 months of having sex. At the time we had been friends for 5 years or so. While we were having sex we both had had sex with our ex's. He got caught up in her captain insane-o web for about two weeks and came out of it realizing that he was already in love with me. He did not tell me that until about a month afterwards. Soooo, In our situation our sexually committed relationship started later than out heart commitment. I had already known I loved him. When I was 12/13 I said I was going to marry him and have his babies. I was never a boyfriend/relationship kind of person. This sounds weird but our aniversary isnt on the day we told each other we love one another, its the first time we had sex. We figure thats where our relationship really started, we just were too caught up to realize it.
I guess you could just wait until you both realize you love each other before labeling what you have.
why fix something that already seems perfect? i personally dont think anyone has to label relationships, but if you want that title, you should just bring it up. nothing better than communication and being open with one another
My boyfriend and I were in an unspoken relationship for almost a year before he actually verbally asked me out (and it was in no way romantic, so that was disappointing). I'm still not really sure why, but I always thought it was because of his parents wanting him to focus on school, so I never pushed the conversation. Numerous people would ask me if we were finally official, and I would always have to say "I don't freaking know" and I resented him for it after a while. But, after two years together and over a year of being official, we're shacking up in college. I'm glad that you are happy with where you are, but if you ever start to feel the resentment like I did after a few months of that, I would just ask him yourself if he wants to be your boyfriend, perhaps in a tasteful way. I wish I had just done that in the first place.
Things work very differently in the states (I'm assuming that's where you are!)
here, I met a guy at a club. We went on a date every single weekend for a few weeks, when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Basically, we realised we didn't want anyone else, so we became exclusive. There's not much of a 'dating' thing here in the UK, people don't ask people out in clubs, they tend to just kiss and dance and get drunk and then maybe see each other again. Either you are with someone (boyfriend and girlfriend) or you are not. It's as simple as that!
@superGchik@xanga - I'm glad you said this. I believe that commitment should come before any intimacy, but everyone has their own convictions. And I also believe it should be intentional. I don't want to have to question whether we are serious or not. Thankfully, my boyfriend has the same beliefs.
Honestly speaking, I saw the picture of the dude and went straight into this post without reading it!
I forgot his name, but he's some famous Korean actor and I've seen a few of his movies beforeWhat I just read was completely adorable. I feel for you and in a good way. I loved how you explained everything and compared it with different perspectives. It's all too good. Be happy girl
@Pickwick12@xanga - I was about to say the very same thing, but you beat me to it! it definitely was a great drama.