Wednesday, 30 November 2011
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Going Back or Going Forward
I'm standing at a crossroads and I have no idea which way to turn.
Back in October, I ended a 2 year long distance relationship. The guy, let's call him S, really didn't do anything wrong. My main issues were that it was becoming increasingly difficult to see him, I felt he didn't strive for success in school/career, and our sex life was becoming intolerably lackluster.
Then I met this guy, R, who seemed to embody everything I wanted S to be. He has a job where he makes great money, he's incredibly intelligent, handsome, and lives 10 minutes away. I've been seeing R since right around the break up, and we have a great time. We're really compatible.
Then I saw S for the first time since the break up. It was painful. I cried the whole time. Even through the tears, it felt like old times again. It was comfortable and...right. It felt good. I feel like if I had opened up to S more, told him what was bothering me, we could have worked through the problems together. We talked everything out. He joined the student newspaper and is looking at internships. He's getting a car soon so he'll be able to visit me more. It just felt good to air out our problems.
I don't know if I made the right decision anymore. Things with R are great, sure, but he doesn't know if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship. So if I stick with him, I could just be sitting around as a casual fling for God knows how long. And I miss S. I miss the comfort, I miss spending time with him and his family, and I miss all the things we did together, and the thought of things we had planned.
What would you do if you were me? Which way do I turn?
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About the Author
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- From: x__RainOnHerParade@xanga
- Name: Christy
- Location: Columbus, Georgia, United States
- About Me: I'm 21 and about to graduate college! Yikes. I love reading and correcting poor grammar ;)
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Comments (17)
Here's a question... did you meet R before or after you dumped S? "Right around" the breakup seems somewhat vague, ya know?
people just want exclusivity so they have a "guaranteed" lay. if r's giving you that, what's the problem? (in other words, s should be out the window.)
i wish i could remember where i read this (paraphrased)--maybe it was even on datingish: relationships are like movies. the first one is great, but the sequel is never as good.
Honestly, R seems like a rebound. You started seeing him around the time of the break-up, which is a classic rebound thing to do. However, that doesn't mean he's not a good guy. I'd talk things through with S before you make any solid decisions, though.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Yeah, I should've clarified. R is in 2 of my classes, but we didn't start talking and getting to know each other until about a week before I broke up with S.
Notoriousgod: from experience, I highly disagree with the second part of your comment (the first part has some truth to it, but there's more to a relationship to sex although it is certainly what most relationships are grounded and based on primarily. Getting back together has made my relationship better; although obviously mine is one experience of many. We realized all the things about one another that made us so special. I realized he was truly one a of a kind and everything we built on in our relationship. I realized that no one understands or appreciates me as much as him. I was able to take a step back and see all the little squabbles we had for what they really were (BS). He learned to put more effort into our relationship and to let me know how he feels more often. My relationship became far more authentic, romantic, passionate, as well as healthy once we got back together. I'm thankful not only for being with him now, but also for our time apart because we needed it. We are now officially a super-couple and without a doubt even stronger than had been.
But to the OP, this is one of those posts that quite obviously cannot be answered by anyone here. You have to not only follow your heart but take a look at all the things that make that person special to you and think about who cares for you the most. In either case, it should be a forward movement. With love, you should always be moving forward. If you get back with the S., let it be new and fresh. Take all the good things you had with him before and push them into the now, make more of those good things, and trash the bad. Relationships always have there ups and downs, but in the end it's important to be with the one you love more than any other. If you do re-unite, remember you have to be readily committed and not so readily capricious.
depends on what you want...and if R or S wants the same thing. seems like being exclusive is important to you, but so is how ambitious, focused, etc. your man is as well. which one is more important? maybe you won't have to decide and one of them will decide for you based on his actions.
Sounds like you left 'S' without even giving a good go at working it out. :) Open up & see what happens. If 'R' isn't sure if he wants to commit to a relationship then there's no reason to waste your time.
So, I don't know if I'll get flack for this (datingish loves to be black&white about things), but in your place, I would give it more time and see how things pan out. Be open and clear about the situation...R and S should each know that the other exists; they deserve a choice about whether they want to be in this situation, too.
You've only really gotten to know R for about a month; the newness wouldn't have worn off yet. The things you mention (money/career, intelligence, looks) are rather topical things to like about someone. Not that they're unimportant, but it's hard to know how compatible you really are until you go through hard/awkward times (e.g. midterms/finals/basically stress, family or friend difficulties, etc. Life throws all sorts of things at us.) It could be a rebound. Or he could secretly be an asshole (why doesn't he want to be exclusive?). Or he could be your soulmate. You just can't know yet.
On the other hand, you know S on many levels. You've probably been through things in the 2 years you've been together. You've made long distance work that long. If you feel good with him, perhaps he deserves another chance...however, I would start by letting him back in my life as a good, old friend. Rebuild the intellectual and emotional connection before you even touch the physical. Air your grievances. Work on your problems. Then re-evaluate. Maybe you'll find you're back to being in love with him...or maybe you'll find you like things as they are.
I feel like sometimes we want to rush ahead in our relationships, decide NOW whether it's worth it or not, when only time will really tell where it will go. Whatever you choose to do, good luck!
@x__RainOnHerParade@xanga - Yeah, he's a rebound for you. Luckily he doesn't seem interested in committing to you, so you shouldn't hurt him too much when you dump him later on.
did you quickly sleep with R after the breakup, so you missed the passionate lustful and more convenient sex since S was long distance and he can't often see you due to having no car(probably due to not having a job) and you knew that for 2 years? do you have a car, so you can try to visit him more? I don't think it is fair to S since you didn't talk about the problems in depth prior to the breakup, then you got with R and now you might be thinking about getting back with S because you realize that you miss all these things about him after you had your casual fling? you broke up with him before he got a chance to fix things, then you feel like you want him again after he fixed things and he could have fixed things without breaking up. choose whoever you think is worth the effort.
Two years is a really long time. I know exactly how you feel. I broke off a two year relationship at the beginning of this summer. We were reaching to an end. I quickly found someone. I had mixed feelings about the relationship when I saw my ex. I broke it off with that person I found. He was a rebound. I didn't ask for my ex back though. I started to but then I stopped myself. I thought about why I broke up with him. Sure, he had changed, but I realized I ended it for a reason. I think you just need to be single and take time to yourself. You may just possibly be wanting someone by your side, since you had someone all this time.
what does your gut say? i never trust my heart, i always go with my gut bc my heart can lead me to trouble.
@superGchik@xanga - I <3 GIRLS WITH BRAINS!11!!!!!11!!!
R sounds like a rebound.
You're never going to get around any problem in a relationship without talking about it. It's pretty important to be able to do that with someone, and not everyone can. Maybe your relationship with S could improve if you can keep an open line with him. From my perspective, I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Go with your gut.
your sex wsa lackluster in a LD relationship? that sucks. you need to call it quits.