I am going to go out on a limb here and say that a lot of people who are in unhappy relationships are unwilling to let go. It's not because they are in a love-hate relationship with that person, but rather that the idea of being alone again scares them.
How often do we hear someone say, "He treats me like shit half the time. I want to hate him, but the thought of losing him scares me. I can't imagine life without him. I wish I didn't love him so much"?
But do she really love him? What if you just took a moment, stepped back, and asked yourself what it is about a life without him that scares you? Is there something unique about him that you can't live without, or does the thought of being single scare you?
Is it the idea of finding someone new; of having to go through the whole getting-to-know-each-other phase again? Is it the idea of spending holidays without someone special to text, call, hug, or hold? Is it the idea of having to seek someone out to go to the movies with?
I went through a lot of bad relationships before I realized that the reason I was staying in them was because I didn't want to find someone new, but I didn't want to be alone either. There was nothing unique about the person that made them special to me, or made them unlike any other person I had ever been with.
Now, I'm not saying that if you find the perfect person, you won't ever have fights, arguments, disagreements, or different perspectives. You will have to work at it, and learn to compromise. That's just part of having a relationship.
But if you're in a relationship you might define as a "hate-love", and can't even remember why you're dating them in the first place other than that you're afraid of them leaving, you might want to reevaluate why you feel so trapped.
Have you ever kept dating someone because you didn't want to be alone?
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Comments (16)
I think that my former relationship was just like this. He and I dated for pretty much a year and the first half was golden... but that's the honeymoon phase.
The second half, we would have little "breaks" and those occurred at least 8 times throughout the relationship. We had broken up twice already and almost broke up a third time this fall. At this point, why were we still together?
I had to re-evaluate the situation and look at the pros and cons. And it turns out, there were more negative things than positive things about the relationship. I think he and I were in our comfort zones and both of us were afraid to cut the string. I think it could work out maybe a couple of years down the road when he and I figure ourselves out and learn how to compromise. But it just wasn't working.
I had scared thoughts about being alone without him. That no one else would desire me or want to be with me. But, there's at least 7 billion people on this planet... I'm bound to meet someone compatible : )
The same goes for anyone out there... don't be afraid to cut off a relationship if it's making you miserable. There are a lot of good people out there that you can meet and be with. Sometimes, it just doesn't work. If you believe in destiny, that's fine. But I personally believe that you make your own destiny and can choose who you want to be with in your life. You weren't "destined" to meet that person.
a healthy relationship should have both, and of course "i love myself". i usually only have the 1st.
for me, every relationship i have ever been in has been one of those, he loves me more than i love him. i don't believe i've ever actually been in love with someone i dated. i know that the only reason i'm with them is to escape my home life. without them to take my mind and me away from the tribulations of sickness and bills i'd be crazy. its not healthy, and i've recently come to realize that its not fair to drag them along either.
@noeiinerve@xanga - Your personal life is, of course, none of my business, so I hope you don't take my advice as me being all nosy, but have you tried finding someone to just, be your friend to help distract you instead? I know it's not as easy as it sounds, of course, and friends don't just fall out of the sky. But maybe if you're able to find relationships, you can find friendships too. God knows everyone needs someone to distract them from the shithole that life can be.
i don't mind at all, i wouldn't have commented without accepting there would be feedback. & i've had my share of friends big time, they all hurt me worse than a boyfriend ever could believe it or not. i've found having a boyfriend easier than have a girlfriend be catty and fake. i am lucky, though, to have a very good relationship with my younger sister, who is the only girl i'll ever trust. and we're getting through everything together. thing is, i know she'll be away at college in 9 months and i'm really gonna be scared to be alone when shes gone.
Yeah, not wanting to be alone is never a good reason to stay in a relationship.
I can't say why I'm in love, though I know I am now more than I have ever been before. I know I was in love even when there was no relationship to speak of...but even so I could not say what makes him unique or special as such. I just know that no one else in my circle has quite the same skills, interests, and personality, or has ever made me feel the same way. But then, that's true for any person.
I also know there are no 'dealbreakers.' Violence, substance abuse, lack of respect and/or consideration, etc. would be examples. I think everyone has slightly different ones, and that's fine. The thing is, a dealbreaker doesn't stop your feelings for a person, necessarily. It just means you have to use your willpower and self-respect to get yourself out of the bad situation; and then get over the feelings that are pulling you back to it. I had an ex who neglected me once (just, didn't make an effort). Now, I'm an independent gal and don't need to be attached at the hip, but eventually it just lost its purpose. I was still attracted (God knows why!), but I broke it off, and was glad I did.
Basically, love doesn't make sense. I'm sure sometimes loving the relationship does happen; I'm also sure that it's the only thing keeping people in less-than-optimal relationships.
I think it's also because you are afraid of losing a part of yourself when you're not with that person. You've developed a way of existing with that person and part of you is still wrapped up the concept of that person, even if you don't actually love them anymore. That would be something that you would have to give up when you break up, which is sometimes really hard to accept.
Oh yeah this happens in almost every relationship, just being together because they like the feeling of having someone there, not necessary loving that person. I've had a couple of relationships that fall under this category, but I wasn't with them for long, not past 2 months. I didn't want to let go even if they were the ones that hurt me. Because of that feeling of being with someone, the feeling that makes us girls go all crazy for and is willing to hold on to no matter the consequences. But, I learned to let go, it didn't take me long because once I let it hurt me to the point that I couldn't even breathe, then I have enough courage to walk away.
-Let it hurt you. Walk away. Smile. Forgive. Forget.
I stayed with my ex for a long time even though he was pretty horrible to me. I wouldn't say it was necessarily because I was afraid to be alone though. In my situation, he was emotionally abusive, so he actually made me feel like it was MY fault he was so awful to me, MY fault he was never happy or satisfied. I really thought if I just tried a little harder, or did something differently, I could make him happy and he'd stop being such a jackass. I also literally thought if I broke up with him, I would be alone not just for a little while, but FOREVER, because he made me believe he was the only man who would ever have the patience to "put up with me," that I was fat and stupid and annoying and worthless. If someone is staying with someone because they're afraid of being alone, something is wrong with their self esteem.
Unfortunately for him, I went abroad to China for a month right after graduating college with 7 other students, him not amongst them. I made friends with most of them while we were there, and they actually liked me and thought I was a pretty cool person - AND I became particularly close to one of them, who started to show feelings for me - and I began falling for him too. So without my ex's influence, I realized that I'm actually a good person that people enjoy spending time with, and that I could easily find someone else. Three months after we came back I dumped my ex, and the guy I became particularly close to in China has been my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. I got together with him right after dumping my ex - not because I was afraid of being alone, but because I didn't want someone else to scoop him up! lol. But, it did take another guy showing romantic interest in me, and being polite, respectful, and kind, to show me I deserved better than the asshole I was with.
it was sort of like that...i stayed bc i don't like to quit at anything and it was hurting the both of us so much but neither one wanted to give up but eventually we did. it was a hard breakup and i felt like i failed terribly but when the relationship is over and you know it, stop hurting each other and just go your own separate ways.
Here's the story between me and the second guy I've ever been with. We had been dating for almost two years, but after a year, the relationship had already gone sour. I wouldn't say I "loved" him, but I did love the relationship while it was still good. When you seriously commit to someone for a long time (two years may not seem that long, but I digress), he becomes part of the way you live. You develop routines, schedules, even TRADITIONS together! Also, when you're young and still learning about who you are, your significant other plays a huge role in defining you. Therefore, letting go of the relationship would be extremely difficult.
When it comes to your post, I don't believe you have to "love" every single person you date, but of course you would need to have certain amount of feelings invested to be compelled to work on the relationship. That's what happened to me. I felt I put in SO much for two years, and my skewed logic told me that if I left, it would be 'wasted effort'. But the problem was that the relationship didn't work anymore because my ex gave up. I was never the first priority, but it got the point where I wasn't a priority at all. He kept getting angry and became distant, throwing excuses as to why he wasn't happy. I thought if I could change and meet his demands, things would turn around, but after all that personal tweaking he still didn't budge. He just wanted out, but dragged me/lead me on until he got the balls to break up with me.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't happy at all. I just wanted it to work so badly because I had tried so hard and made so many sacrifices. That's part of it, but another factor, as you said, was coping with being single. It scared me and I resented the 'getting-to-know-someone' dating phase, because as far as I'm concerned, most guys just want what they can get and don't truly care. So yeah, my ego's been bruised, and all these negative experiences makes me feel that "putting myself out there" is like setting myself up for disaster and getting hurt. I guess with an already established, long-term love-hate relationship, you know what to expect and you have somebody, so in some twisted way it provides more comfort and security than being single. That's why I can relate to the individuals who won't break up with their gf/bf, but if the relationship fails, a break-up must follow. It's hard but it has to be dealt with one way or another.
I love her boobs, and I'm straight.
And no, I have never dated someone because I didn't want to be alone. I'd rather be single and happy than in a 'relationship' and sad. Plus I wouldn't use the other guy like that, because like it or not, sticking with someone just because you're scared of being alone, is using. And using is bad.
If the point comes when you feel more sad than happy with the person, then you should sort it out with that person, and not just dwell, ponder and comfort eat ice cream.
That explains part of my relationship. I am afraid of being alone, and that's one of the reasons I stay with him. But, on the other hand, he's the first person I have actually felt feelings of intense caring for. Not only that, but the understanding we have towards each other is amazing. I am afraid I will not find that anywhere else. It didn't start out that way though. I actually cared about him, and that's the reason I started dating my current boyfriend. This may sound awful, but I feel like I have to find other people out there and KNOW there are other people who can care for me before I'm willing to leave. But then again, I don't have the most common situation. I currently live with him and his family, and cannot move out right now even if I wanted to. I have no where to go. I'm antisocial, have very little friends, and have virtually no family. Also, some of our relationship is manipulative and somewhat abusive (on both sides). It's gotten to the point where I feel like we would be good as friends but nothing else. Not only that, but I have a lot of issues I feel like I need to work on for myself. But it's hard to change when you have no emotional support except from your boyfriend (and the relationship is going no where). So, I guess that makes leaving a bit more complicated...
@Izzy - hahaha you're referring to the boobs in the picture?! i tot those boobs are nice too and im straight too!
hahaha, yeah, her boobs look gooood.
Ontopic: I would never ever get with someone just because i'm lonely, that's like betrayal, i want it to be honest luvvv