Monday, 28 November 2011
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Losing the Love of Your Life
So I gotta start off with some history for this story to make sense. When I first met this girl I almost immediately fell for her. The terrible thing about this is that I thought I would never fall for an Indian girl. Racist I know, but from my experiences I've never been attracted to an Indian girl. This was a first and probably the most important of attractions I've ever had. Anyway, we met freshmen year and I kept convincing myself that I didn't like this girl and she and I would never work because my family wouldn't approve.
So now it's senior year and me and this girl are at happy hour together just as friends. I brought up what her first thoughts were when we met and she said she used to have a huge crush on me. After hearing that, I couldn't help but smile. I confessed to her that I used to have a crush on her too. Then came the part when she asked me why I never asked her out.
I told her that I thought my family's opinion was what worried me and also that I didn't want to risk our friendship because she became my best friend very quickly. I told her just that and she took it fine. I then went to ask her the question of which the answer would crush me. With quivering hands and pounding heart, I asked her, "So what do you think about me now?"
She said that I was too close to her and that I was her best friend. Cue glass shatter. This was the moment when all those times she and I spent together when I felt so into her and so happy with her that I wanted to ask her out right then and there came flashing back. Those times when I wanted to kiss her and tell her how much she meant to me and those times I chickened out came flashing back to me. I have never felt so regretful in my life. I realized no other girl compared to her and I was a fool to never ask her out.
Of course, I couldn't tell her this. She basically agreed that our friendship was amazing and she didn't want to risk it. I played it cool. So basically it's too late. I missed my chance.
So this is a post to all of you people who are in love with someone but are afraid to tell them. You will not regret anything more than not confessing your love for someone. If you cannot bear seeing that person seeing other guys and get jealous even though you convince yourself that you're "just friends," please do not go down the same path I did. Do not make yourself suffer.
Have you ever been through a similar situation? If so, how did you get through it? Because I'm a mess right now.
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About the Author
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- From: lil_KyungMin@xanga
- Name: K-Min
- Location: pleasuretown, New Jersey, United States
- About Me: Recent convert of pleasure and taking opportunities.
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Comments (52)
On the other hand, the first girl I ever fell for I never told because she was seeing someone at the time. She broke up with him and got together with another man in a short time, whom she eventually married. It stung a little bit, but I got over it and we remained friends until she passed away last month. I'm very glad I didn't ruin that friendship, even though we drifted slightly after she got married.
Just saying it doesn't all work one way. I'm glad I didn't say anything in the case of my now deceased friend, but I feel like an idiot for making a move on Jenna. That was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life.
I have never been in that situation before. If you desire someone, you go for her/him.
I would also like to add to the fact that, being a half Korean, I know how critical the parents can be. In a traditional Korean family, dating someone who is not of a Korean descendant can be a big no no. But you should never let them decide who you want to be with.
I hope you do not make the same mistake again. Best of luck.
Perhaps you struck out because you decided not to give her a try based on your racist family. Think about how important that really is and perhaps talk to her. Maybe you haven't lost your chance if you can see that she is worth whatever issues your family will have. (I married a Mexican and survived a racist father, anyone can.) Good Luck!
I agree that you haven't lost your chance yet. She said, "You are too close to her. You are her best friend." She didn't say she wasn't attracted to you or the thought of dating you had died years ago. You still have a chance and if you want to go for it, go for it and see how she respond. The worst that can happen is she decline dating you, but she is still your best friend after all.
It's not over yet. Yea you missed out on a few years, but if you truly love her keep in touch. Be patient but not too patient and if you still have feelings for her. Then take your shot! I missed out on my fair share of opportunities, but that was for something different. Don't let yourself live with regrets. It sucks!
I dunno... I never change my mind when I have friend zoned someone.
i kind of agree with @ShirleyD@xanga , but for a different reason--when a girl says that she sees you as a friend, what she really means is she's not attracted to you (physical or personality).
by the way, i can't believe that you don't find indian girls attractive. is she the one in the white? cause she is daaaaaamn fine. i'll take her if you're giving up on this.
@ShirleyD@xanga - @TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Friends turn into lovers all the time. You haven't lost your chance. My fiancee and I started out as just friends.
Nope, never happened to me. Chasing is half the fun in a courtship..!
Anyway, you've been friend zoned, but it's not the end of the world. If you act sweet and romantic to her everyday, perhaps gradually the old feelings might be rekindled.
@SuzanneLamb@xanga - of course it happens all the time :) what i meant was that a girl (or guy) will only say she sees you as friends if you've demonstrated in some way--whether it's just by the way you look, or your personality--that you're unfit to be her lover. it has little, if anything, to do with whether you were already friends, or for how long you've been friends.
You should ask her out anyway, what else do you have to lose? Oh well that's just what I think but I really wouldn't risk myself cuz I'm a wuss
@SuzanneLamb@xanga - no, once a girl puts a guy in the friend-zone, you might as well develop time travel and go back before.
i used to never believe in second chances until one day i got my second chance with him even though i screwed it up the second time around, but it was definitely worth it. it's never too late if you really want it.
"When I first met this girl I almost immediately fell for her. The
terrible thing about this is that I thought I would never fall for an
Indian girl. Racist I know, but from my experiences I've never been
attracted to an Indian girl."
Same here, and that's coming from an Indian guy himself. It may be a bit racist, but that's fine; to some small extent, we all are.
Hmmm. Well I guess it depends on whether you want to honor your family or go off on your own. I don't think it's too late, but if I were in your position I would just let it go since marriage is between two families, not just two people.
I also want to add:
On one hand, yes, sometimes you should tell the person that you have a crush on them rather than holding it in and telling them later that you "used to" have one, because being on the receiving end of the latter is annoying for two reasons:
One, it implies that overtime, as the person got to know you, they saw something about you that killed the crush, hence the deeper surfaces of you being unlovable, and two, it makes the person feel like there was some dynamic going on that they never knew of, and it's not a good feeling to realize that you've been oblivious. When I hear that people "used to" have a crush on me, I look back and overanalyze our past interactions, and then look at my current ones with other female friends and wonder.
However, it's impractical to tell every person that you have an interest in, that you like them. Past experience (and even just overall common sense) dictates that confessing your feelings can and will make things awkward, especially when your romantic interest doesn't feel the same way. Sometimes, there is NO POINT to confessing your feelings; There are several girls I'm friends with now that I've crushed on at one point, and in passing moments, still do. But they either have boyfriends, or are clearly sending off "friend" vibes, or are hundreds of miles away, etc; what would be the point? Confessing my love isn't going to make them break it off with their boyfriend of 2 years (or longer), and even if it did, I don't want to be the asshole who ruins a relationship. If they're clearly only interested in being friends, it would make things awkward, and even if you guys got past it, it doesn't mean your friendship will always be the same afterwards.
When I look back at my own history, the only regrets I have are the times I told my romantic interests how I felt; it usually made things worse. If you take a friendship farther and it fails, you'll regret ruining it. If you don't take the chance, you regret not seeing what could have been. I think sometimes, you lose either way. <_<
@testyman666@xanga - False. I had just wanted to be friends with him before and now he is my fiancee. And it isn't very uncommon.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - You're rather pessimistic. :o/
this is such a sweet story
@SuzanneLamb@xanga - Heh, I can be sometimes. But let's be honest, when we're discussing sad situations like this, it's kinda easy to gravitate in that direction.
@SuzanneLamb@xanga - that is one exception to the rule.
How did you hold out your feelings for 4 years?!
One thing is missing from this story. Not at one point did you ever mention that you told her how you feel about her NOW. The way you two have been hiding and dragging your feet around, I'm not surprised she gave you that answer because of the way you've been acting the past four years. When she asked you how come you didn't ask her out you basically said that she was already friend zoned. How do you expect her to respond to that?
Go tell her that you've been into her all these years and wanted to ask her out but was too scared, but after that conversation you're now more scared of going on having never tried to make her yours. See what she says to that. Maybe it'll turn out good for you, maybe it won't, but don't expect her to put her feelings out there all willy nilly after you both have been tap dancing around them for the last 4 years. Say something definitive so she has something to go off of.
also, I would argue that it isn't romantic love you were experiencing...it was lust.
Romantic love is the end result of a bunch of experiences you have together - including sex. You can't love someone until you KNOW them intimately
A very similiar thing happened to me. Girl meets boy. Girl thinks boy is hot. Boy thinks girl is cute. They exchange numbers. Boy goes back to military training. Girl calls boy. Boy calls girl. Girl falls for boy. Boy toys with girls emotions. Girl can't be friends with boy anymore because it hurts too much. :(
I guess what happened with you and that girl can only mean it's not meant to be. This also happened to me a couple of times too. Though, what I learned from it is that even if two people feel for each other, it doesn't mean that they will be together..sadly that's reality. But, that's life isn't it, a challenge.
-Let it hurt you. Walk away. Smile. Forgive. Forget.
I opened my heart out to one of my closest guy friends and he rejected me on the spot. Some time later, guys began to show interest in me and I went on dates with the guys while still being a good friend to my guy friend. That summer, he asked me out and I told him I didn't want to risk our friendship and that he had been right to reject me when I asked him out the first time. It hurt when he rejected me, but I got over it, found the real love of my life, married, and we're going strong!