Monday, 28 November 2011
-
Is Depression a Deal Breaker?
There are a lot of reason for why someone will end a relationship. Jealousy, lack of sexual chemistry or sometimes personalities just end up clashing. What about depression? If your partner is depressed for a long time, is that grounds for breaking up? That's what I'll be taking a look at today.It's getting to be that time of the year again. The leaves are dropping to the pavement and making sad little stains on the sidewalk as they're stomped on by pedestrians rushing to get out of the chilly air. Even the most stable of people can feel a bit of the blues in the winter.
According to statistics, over 18 million Americans suffer from depression. That's a pretty staggering number.Chances are you know someone or have suffered from depression yourself. What do you do if you find yourself dating someone who's suffering from depression?
Can a loved one's depression be a deal breaker? It depends on a number of different factors.
How does it affect your relationship?- If he or she is starting to shut you out emotionally and physically, how is that making you feel? Are you getting a bit depressed because of their depression? Sometimes you might have to abandon ship to save yourself.
- If they're becoming verbally abusive and are lashing out at you in their pain, it also might be a good time to go. Depression changes people, if you're feeling neglected and abused, you have no obligation to stick around for that kind of treatment. It isn't helping them.
- If however, they're sad, but still talking and trying to at least connect to you in some ways romantically, it might be a good idea to hang tight for a while yet.
How long have they been depressed?
- If it's just a few weeks, give it some more time, your partner might just be in a funk.
- If it's been months with them shutting you out and no end in sight, you may want to consider breaking it off.
Are they getting help?- If the person you're dating is seeking help, in my opinion, it's always good to stick around. Everyone has dark periods in their life, it's how we deal with them that's important. If therapy is being tried and they're putting effort, the least you can do is stick around and support.
- If they've been depressed for over six months and refuse to see anyone or receive medical attention, then you leaving might be the final push needed to take a look into treatment.
How deep is your love?- No, it's not that if you love them with all your heart you'll stay with them no matter what. Sometimes the opposite is true. If you're seriously worried about your girlfriend or boyfriend's well being, you can stage an intervention to try and convince them to get help. Sometimes romantic partners end up enabling depression, by making up excuses for friends and family, by saying everything is fine even when our needs aren't being met. Sometimes leaving really is the most loving thing a person can do.
- Showing how deep your love is also could mean that if your significant other is getting help, but it's slow going, you stick around, you go to support group meetings, you become and remain their rock through this hard time. It all depends on the circumstances.
Remember...
At the end of the day, you have to trust your gut, if it says stick around, do so. Just make sure it's not guilt talking. There's no need to stay with someone if you're feeling neglected or abused. Their being in pain does not excuse them hurting you. If someone you love is depressed and you're worried they might harm themselves or lash out at you, contact a suicide or depression hotline. There are almost always free or cheap affordable treatment options for those in need and their loved ones.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: denisehawk
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 7479 Comments: 0 75 View all posts by denisehawk
Comments (61)
I think it's pretty pathetic to break up with someone you love and been with for a long time, just because they have personal issues that they're struggling with. i bet the person your're with is grateful you're with them to begin with. Instead of being selfish and leaving them, stay with them, (i'm pretty sure they need you during their dark times), and help them get better. To me, that's like saying, "oh you're upset? sad? been hurt? Well see ya, get over it and handle it on your own" That's not right at all.
And if a person was depressed, severely, i would also be willing to bet you that just leaving them like they're nothing, would make matters worse for them. They'd feel alone, worthless, un-loved, etc.
This is coming from experience of currently fighting depression myself for the past couple of months, and having my SO stand by me when times are tough and make me feel better. If he ever left me BECAUSE of my depression...it'd kill me on the inside.
i think that its good to try to help them getting better. you know?
if it works of course.I would try to lead them to see a doctor, a therapist, try to make them happy.
but there is also a line where he is depressed and he is dragging me down, making me depressed.
I know i might sound like a bitch for saying this, but if I cannot take care of myself first, i cannot take care of someone else.
so yes i'll try to help but If its at the point, i cannot do anything anymore, and I am getting depressed myself, i would break up with the person.
I have depression and my current boyfriend (who has been my best friend since childhood) told me he didn't care and wanted to be with me despite all that and so that he could be there when I needed him. You don't need someone in your life who will run at the first sign of trouble.
evidently it is..
jerk.
I'm depression and alcoholism incarnate but I try not to let it affect others. "try" being the keyword of course.
Depression is a deal breaker if it's depression that's the result of someone making a bunch of bad life choices, fucking up their own life, and then wanting to cry about it all the fucking time.
If it's legit depression and the person is willing to seek help and wants to work through it... no. Not a deal breaker if you actually care for them.
Well I battled severe depression for 2 years. I was suicidal (3 attempts), did 5 wks in an institution and yet my ex-husband didn't want to take the time to understand and get educated. IT IS A DISEASE! He would say things like, "Snap out of it" or "Get over it." Trust me if it were that simple I would have. It was the darkest, most lonely time of my life.
My current S.O. is very understanding. I've been experimenting with going off my "happy pill" but now know I need it to keep the depression, anxiety and eating disorder under control. He supports my efforts but also believes if I need to take a damn pill to get through life so be it. It's better than being miserable and possibly sliding backwards. When I've gone off my happy pill and begun to show signs of depression etc. he simply says, "Babe will the happy pill help?" He always asks what he can do to help, and we always talk openly about it. If someone truly loves you they will stick with you and support you in YOUR efforts to stay healthy!
As a woman who has suffered from depression both while single and taken, I think this is pretty good advice. PATIENCE IS KEY. I was diagnosed w/ depression at 15, and I had a wonderful, supportive boyfriend at the time. He put up a lot of shit from me, but eventually he did break up with me. Sure, it was tough, and I hated him for a while, but it had gotten to that point where he was suffering. We went back to being close friends after about a year.
My last S.O. was a dick when it came to my depression. I had been on medication for almost 6 years when we started dating, but he swore up and down that medication is NEVER the answer for ANY health problem (despite the fact that anti depressants basically saved my life, and I get crazy depressed and suicidal if I go off them). He also put me down for seeing a psychiatrist-the one I have been seeing since I was diagnosed, and the one I trust my life with. We broke up after a month because he was an ass.
Every time I have been dumped I get really depressed (more than the average person). But because I have been ill for so long I have grown up a lot since my diagnosis. I believe that anyone who dates someone who is depressed and really cares about him/her should stick it out and be as supportive as possible: be willing to listen, while not making your relationship revolve around the depression, meet his/her therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist (my bf went to a few sessions with me because he wanted advice on how he could best help me), get informed and do research on depression and/or whatever medicine your SO takes, etc etc.
HOWEVER, DO NOT stick around if: your mental health/social life/work life/etc. starts to suffer, you deal with any kind of abuse or guilt, or your S.O. refuses treatment or stops taking their medication. Remember, you are in this relationship BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR S.O. But relationships go both ways-you are not a savior, and staying in a relationship solely out of guilt is not only unhealthy but also unfair to both of you.
Uh, I think if they're not getting help, leaving them is like the last thing you want to do.
I have depression and became very suicidal when my ex left me. He was the last thing I had left.
He just couldn't deal with it. I was always sad and stressed. A few times he made me happier, one time he picked me up when I was crying, carried me to his car, and drove me to this park half an hour away from us which is nick-named the "heart" park, and looked at stars with me. It was my most drastic mood change, I literally couldn't get off the couch and stopped crying, and then when we got there, I could not be happier.
But most of the time he just yelled at me. I guess he thought that I "snapped out of it" that time, so I should be able to do that every night...
I believe that if you love somebody you try to help them out as much as you can. If you see they are struggling, you do your best to help them find a way through their tough situation. Sometimes you will be able to help them, and sometimes you won't.
I have experienced this, but the person that I love didn't believe that I really did. He didn't think that I did enough for him, and every time I called just to talk and say "hey, how are you doing today?" He would get mad at me and tell me things like I was dumb for asking because I already knew how he was doing.
At first I thought that maybe I could figure out different ways to make him feel better, but each time I tried to help I would get the same response. And so, I had to make the decision to walk away for my own sake.
This just recently happened, and I feel really upset about the fact that it turned out this way.. But I began to start feeling like he really just didn't care about my efforts, and like I wasn't being valued anymore in the relationship. I started feeling like my feelings didn't matter anymore, and it made me feel really bad about myself. While I still care about the guy to pieces, there comes a point where I have to take care of myself.
I also struggle with depression myself, and so it's hard to hear the person you love telling you that you're just making them upset when all you want to do is help.
It's a tough situation, and it's hard to say what is right or wrong. At the end of the day, if he ever decided he wanted to talk to me I wouldn't hesitate to do so. By me leaving the relationship it doesn't mean I'm on the hunt for somebody new, it just means I have to focus on doing things for me that make me happy. It's a time for me to explore life on my own, and I think in the end it will make me a stronger person. I just really hope that he is able to do the same for himself. And like I said, I'm always here.
_ jewels<3
Personally, it's a deal breaker for me. I don't think I can deal with someone who's always depress and the likes of it. It's not fair to me to be in a relationship with someone who can't give me what I need as well. It's selfish to say, but it's true. I also think it's selfish to think that your bf/gf should be there for you when you're depress. Perhaps you may want to get some help before you even think about getting into a relationship with anyone. Bottom line is - I will be there for them as a friend and support them but not as a girlfriend.
I feel that this post is VERY well thought out. You aren't screaming for people to ditch loved ones over depression, nor stick it out no matter what, but rather you're explaining that people should evaluate situations. There are situations where you should stick around, which you mentioned. There's also situations where you should leave, which you also mentioned. I think this is very balanced and well written.
Depression isn't a deal breaker for me, to an extent. If my partner is going through a rough patch, lost a loved one, or otherwise having issues - I will stay and help, especially if they want help. I will be there to go through it with them. However, if it's bringing me down, if it's hurting me more and more, and if they do not want help, then I may consider leaving because I don't want to have that in my life. It's not abandoning. It would be like staying with a druggie who doesn't want help and letting them continually lash out and hurt me.
Great post.
I have severe, persistent depression. I've had it for 8 years now. I've been on every class of antidepressant and tried many treatments. I have found nothing that improves my treatment-resistant depression.
That said, when I first met my now boyfriend I promptly informed him about my depression (and everything else I feel is an important part of my life). I made certain that he had a clear picture of what he would be dealing with if he decided he wanted to be more than friends. I don't hold anything back and am very candid about my life. I feel that it's important to be open and honest with others so that they can make well-reasoned decisions about their connection with you.
My boyfriend does all he can to help me with my depression and does his best to understand how I'm thinking and feeling. He supported my decision to no longer pursue depression therapies while in school, as side effects were greatly diminishing my performance and there was no improvement in depression. Whatever I choose to do, he supports me.
I cannot be more thankful for having a supportive partner.
I have seasonal affective disorder in the winter and have not started medication. Last year was the worst so far and my boyfriend was super supportive of me. He also has depression but is medicated, so understands what I go through. I could be happy one minute and almost crying the next for no reason. He understood that he could not just 'cheer me up' or get me to 'snap out of it' but he did do the best he could to keep be distracted and busy because my depression was the worst when we were being sedentary, like watching television at night.
I think it would be hard to have a partner that suffers with depression. Like I said, my boyfriend has depression but is on meds so usually his mood is okay, but sometimes he can be extremely depressed, like if he forgets his pills or is just in a bad mood. It's overwhelming and drains you trying to deal with it. I think there's a point where someone can't put up with it anymore, but it's hard to leave because you don't know what the person will do.
Yeah, I have to agree just because mental illness is so hard to deal with.
I think the noble thing to do if you love someone who suffers episodes of depression is to stick by them. In most cases they won't last more than a year or two. If the person is receiving services or treatment hopefully this will be less. In almost all cases I don't think depression breaks all bonds of love, and all aspects of the relationship. So, in most cases, there will still be good fragments of the relationship alive to help you stay. In a hospital, a visitor means a lot. If somebody can't handle one episode or one hospitalization, they probably weren't a very good partner anyway. Let them go. If someone has a schizophrenic partner in and out of hospitals for 30 years, I'd say it is okay to go on with your life while still caring for or visiting your former partner (thinking marriage here).
I know having bipolar disorder might make me un-dateable in some eyes. I've been hospitalized, my condition's lasted nearly 10 years, and I still have constant appointments and am on 4 medications. I am still unstable and I am expensive...I know this and consider this reality and because of that might actually be more open to dating someone else with my condition (but preferably depression because it tends to be more mild haha) just so I know we understand each other on that field.
I know for a fact we are difficult to live with and hard to handle, so I'd want to go into it with someone willing in the first place, and vice versa.
ALso depression is so common, good luck to people trying to date someone who will never experience an episode in their lives.
@jeezshoua@xanga - The thing is there are millions of depressed individuals and they deserves all the love and support, and if they want to be selfish that way, then it's fine. That is not the worst selfishness. I think depressed people etc; deserve someone to be there for them. I think everyone deserves someone. You sound like people that have problems (outside of their control) should deserve nothing(especially from their lovers etc;) and they should be suffering alone, that attitude makes me sad ;( There are no words to how damning you are in that conviction you have. I think that is why depression and mental illness will always be in the shadows. That and ignorance etc; etc; etc; It really saddens me. It really does bring more stigma to people suffering and that's not good at all. ;_________;
OP:The thing is, getting help isn't all that simple. The system is too broken and you're basically screwed if you don't have insurance (state clinics only get you so far). Medicines and therapy is costly and can add up if you're not careful or are barely on a budget. It doesn't help that mental disorders (depression including) is often scoffed at and not understood or accepted because a lot of people suffer from it.
The thing is, sometimes it is our of control especially if we don't have the means or money to help ourselves (I suffer from bipolar disorder and other hosts of things) (I know I didn't and finally next year, I'll have insurance but it is going to take a big chunk out of our money, so we'll be even tighter on budget).
I can understand the point of the other person (my bf had to go through so much with me. And believe me, I've screamed, I've fought with him..I've just been plain old mean but the thing is, he knows that isn't me because that isn't. I'm doing the best I can without medication) and if that was the case then, everyone I would of known would of stopped being my friend or stopped having anything to do with me but the fact, they don't. They know that I'm not like how I act.
They refuse to see me as a monster, so does my bf. I do try to stop my moods(sometimes not possible) and I do try to make amends for the things I do when I'm manic or depressed. Don't you think we know how much it hurts the other person, too? We really do. It only hurts more when we don't have the support that we need to get through it/manage it. I'm glad that my bf sees the real me along with my friends, and that I'm not some monster to them. It's not for everyone mind you, only the strong and devoted honestly.
In short, it's really not all the easy. It's really complex and I can't really agree so much with this or even condemn it. Having a mental illness myself, I can't really say this or that about it in regards to a relationships because it is going to be difficult either way. That should be a given.But I'm grateful to have my bf (he did save my life. I'd be dead if it wasn't for him) and friends that stuck with me no matter what.
If you feel like you can't handle it, leave. You sticking around to pity us will not help us in the long run. (general you of course). We need people that will stick with us no matter what and will try to be supportive and help the best they can.
it's not a deal breaker if the other person is willing to get some help or at least let me in. i dated someone who was a bit depressed, he first let me in and the pushed me out bc he didn't want me to see that side of him. i wasn't scared that he was depressed but scared that he was pushing me further and further away.
I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression (that's what my psychiatrist says anyway) and I fully agree. My depression has been a deal breaker for my relationships but it isn't until that I let it get out of hand that it becomes a deal breaker. They try to stick around but my constant ups and downs are too much for them. I understand, which why I seeked help. I am much better and not only is my romantic relationship a lot smoother, so are my interpersonal relationships. I think it's okay and it shouldn't be a deal breaker as long as the two are willing to work and the person suffering from depression is working on trying to better themselves.
@Hinase@xanga - Who said that they don't deserve anything or that they should be suffering alone? All I said was that personally, that will be a deal breaker for me because I couldn't handle someone who has depression as a girlfriend, but I will be there to support them as a friend. If you or anyone can be with someone who has depression, more power to you, but I can't and I'm being honest about it.
I would have difficulty, I think, dating anyone with any sort of mental illness. That sounds awful, but my father is severely mentally ill and I saw what that did to our family. He wasn't that bad when my mom married him. His mental illness got worse over the years.
I want to have children, and I would in no way want my children's father to be mentally unstable. Because it is AWFUL for a child to grow up that way. I know, because I did. Also, since I have a family history of mental illness, I don't want to increase the chances of my child being mentally ill. Call me selfish, but that's my choice.
That being said, I'm not sure that depression in and of itself would be a deal breaker. There are many factors that would have to come into play. I think each case is different.
I think it would be horrible to dump someone just because they are depressed. I know from my own experience that being dumped almost killed me and the fact that he didn't care about my depression or my wanting to kill myself, made it worse.
With 312,688,944 people in the current U.S. population, 18 million people out of that suffering from depression doesn't seem so staggering. Not to insinuate that it isn't a very serious problem. I've suffered from depression myself as well as having been with someone who is depressed. I really wish America would get off this mass antidepressant pharmaceutical-marketing campaign and (beyond cognitive therapy) try a different, more efficient route of helping people with depression.
@TheFifthHero@xanga - but mental illness in itself isn't hereditary, and most people experience some form of depression throughout their lives. Also, I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your dad but not everyone who has depression takes it out on other people lets it affect their children.