Saturday, 26 November 2011
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When the Relationship Gets Dull
In the 4 years that my boyfriend and I have been together, we probably only went on an extended (3 day) vacation twice and maybe 2 real dates where we got dressed up and went out to eat. I'm not the type to ask for gifts and bother my boyfriend to take me out because if I want something, I'll buy it for myself. If I want to go out to eat or go anywhere, I'll just ask him if he wants to. If he doesn't, I'll just call out my friends and do my own thing.
Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad thing just because the more I do my own thing, the more he doesn't seem to want to do those things with me even if we rarely ever do anything. I don't need presents and I don't need him to wine and dine me, but... I'd like to think he likes spending time with me.
It's starting to feel like we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I'm still young and I know it's a part of the whole relationship thing, but while I'm young, I'd still like to feel like we're in love and enjoying each other's company. He's always too tired and always "not in the mood" to do anything... like ALWAYS. I understand that times are tough and money is tight and all that jazz, but if he knew that, wouldn't he want to save up for just one date?
I do~ and I tell him I do, but he doesn't. He has the money to buy new games and clothes and weed and food for himself and drinks for when he goes out with his friends and snowboarding passes for the whole winter, but not for just one date with me? So I get it, guys aren't ones to plan things too well... so I'll plan it and offer to pay and it's still "I'm too tired, let's go next time." I kind of got sick of his excuses.
The guy is always tired cause he always goes to sleep late and wakes up early to go to work. I'd like to think that if he really wanted to spend time with me, he'd make an effort to sleep early so that we could do something together the next day.
I decided to talk to him about it and he seemed angry that I wanted to do more in our relationship. I don't know if it's out of spite, but at that moment when I mentioned it, he said, "Fine. Let's go to the movies; pick a movie." I asked him if he had anything he wanted to watch and he said no. And while I appreciated that he was doing something for me, I didn't appreciate that he wasn't happy to go with me. He was just doing it out of obligation because I mentioned it.
It's one thing if he could have a good attitude about things, but he seemed angry that I agreed to his movie idea, so I just told him to forget it... and so he did. He forgot about it and never made an effort again after that. We're always either at his house or my house just watching T.V. and doing the same thing we always do, and only then does he seem happy. He's all happy and cuddly and all that jazz when we're home, but when we go anywhere, he seems like he's having a bad time.
I'm trying to be understanding about the fact that he's tired and worked hard for his money to be spending it on dates, but if that's the case, why is he with me? I'm not shallow to think that that's all relationships are about, but I think it's important in relationships to go on dates and enjoy each other's company, not just lay down, watch tv and not talk. How does a relationship grow when that's all we do? I guess he's content with just that, but I'm not.
What would you do in this situation?
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Comments (85)
dump him
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I'd dump him. He's all about himself and thinks he doesn't have to make any effort in his relationship. So, let him be by himself.
the guy is taking you for granted.
try telling him whatever you just wrote.
You could go on free dates, walk to the park, hang out at the beach, go to a museum. That said, I really don't think money is the problem. You pointed out that he spends money on other things and he spends time with his friends...but he's not spending quality time with you.
Do you guys have different ideas about what quality time is? Does he think if you're hanging out at home that just counts as quality time even if you guys aren't interacting and/or working on your relationship? I think my boyfriend needs "dates" more than I do, but we're pretty good at communicating what we need.Maybe he feels like he already spends plenty of time with you. Maybe he's burnt out. Either way his reaction to you was bad...he shouldn't be MAD at you for wanting to spend more time with him.I think you guys just need to talk. And if he doesn't listen and isn't receptive and doesn't make an effort, get out before you spend another four years like that.The best thing, like what the general consensus said, is to probably move on and leave him behind. If someone cares about you and likes you, they would put aside some time to spend it with their partner. And it just seems that he got way, way too comfortable and just doesn't want to do anything at all while you do. If he puts up a defensive, angry front when you ask him to do something with you, then it's not going to end up good anyways. It would be best to sit him down, let him know it's not working out, explain why as you did here, and then move on.
Relationships will inevitably reach that dull point, but it's really what both sides of the relationship do to make it exciting again. And if one side doesn't bother to put in that effort to renew that spark, then the relationship will begin to see rocky waters.
You are not priority to him. Weed is more of a priority than you. Find someone that respects you and wants to be with you enough that they make time for you.
You sound like a really awesome and great girlfriend. It seems he's not putting any effort into the relationship. It could be that he's no longer in love with you to do those things. Take it from a larger perspective. If you don't see things working out, you might want to consider breaking up and prevent the relationship from dragging out longer than it needs to be. If he loves you, he would want to spend his time with you.
I'm not sure if this works, but I believe it to be so. I think that if you find common things to be committed to and attend them, it will help strengthen the relationship. Things such as club meetings or the most common one is church. But beware because if you don't like the club, it will have a negative impact on the relationship. I like Taiwanese culture and all, and I joined the club to be with my ex, but the club just wasn't for me and I ended up hating it in the end.
That would really bother me. I think it's time for a SERIOUS conversation with him - you need to tell him that if changes aren't made then you will leave. If you are unhappy with him then there is no reason to stay. If he loves you, then he will make an effort to at least pretend like he's happy to be out with you.
My husband and I are pretty happy just being at home together but sometimes we enjoy going out and doing things. If I'm not in the mood (unless I'm sick), I'll suck it up and go but I won't act like a jerk about it. He does the same for me. But for us, we don't have a problem going out and having fun together. There are plenty of things you can do that don't cost money but get you out of the house.
This guy sounds like he's gotten too comfortable in the relationship... too comfortable with not putting much effort in to it and he expects you to stick around no matter what. I'd speak up if I were you!!
dump him! datingish never suggests anything else!
i'm in the exact same situation with you :( we've been fighting a lot more and honestly, the only way i think things are going to end up is by spliting up. i don't want to break up, but if things like EVERYTHING that you've mentioned above keeps happening, i'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness anymore for someone that isn't willing to do the same for me.
4 years is a lot more than you have on me, and i'm sure it's going to be tough... but it takes two people to be in a relationship. if you're not feeling that he's trying anymore, then how is it going to work when you're the only one putting in effort?
try to talk to him once more (i guess?) and if things don't change, i'm sorry but i think it's time to leave.
DUMP
I've totally been there, but the relationship was as long as four years before I broke it off. I'd say give it one more try before you end it. Just talk to him about it one last time. Bring up everything that has been bothering you and mention that you want more out of the relationship. If he just ends up getting angry and won't compromise, then leave him. If he doesn't make you happy, then you shouldn't be with him. Relationships are about compromises and it sounds like he's being one-sided, that it's all about him. Things will never work out that way and you'll be better off with someone who isn't so self-absorbed.
@TheMushyPear@xanga - Datingish should quit messing around and buy the http://www.Dump.com URL.
It seems that he doesn't make you as his priority. He wants to do what he wants when he wants. If spending quality time with you is not important to him, then it's not worth your time. It's up to the both of you though. If he's willing to change, then stay. If not, then go.
Like what the others before have said, it seems like you are putting more into the relationship than he is. He isn't making you a priority, and it seems like he knows that you are frustrated, but is unwilling to do so. Because of that, I feel like you deserve better. Maybe talk to him and get your feelings out and if he is still unwilling to change, move on and leave him in the dust.
it takes two to tango.
The fact that you talked to him about your feelings and he could have cared less should tell you a lot about him. Relationships are give and give. Not give and take. He is taking your allowances and you are giving him the opportunity to do what ever he wants without regards to your feelings. You are LETTING him step all over you and ignore you. People will only give you as little as you allow them. You deserve someone who actually tries to at least listen. I don't know HOW the conversation went, but try not to be too accusing towards him, either. Nobody likes to feel attacked, and it doesn't solve anything. He will just get angry and put a wall up. Just say something along the lines of "I feel like we are more like room mates instead of in a relationship. I don't know what we can do to make it better, or even if you feel the same, but I need to know what you think we should or could do to fix it." Try to talk to him one more time and if he doesn't understand or just ignores it again, I hate to say this but I wouldn't even consider staying with him.
"guys aren't ones to plan things too well" -- are you for real? i agree with the others that it's time for you to bounce, but i think if you're going to insult the entire gender, you probably deserve another pothead next anyway.
me and my sister have the same situation. every single day its just like we are on the verge of breaking it off, but we both know we wont lol. but i take comfort in knowing i'm going to move away this summer. i know thats not the solution to a boring relationship. i think all boys are boring and spend there money on useless things. my sisters boyfriend never takes her out to dinner, but he pulls out eight hundred fifty dollars cash to buy a dumb ass jeep and he always has pot. its the same with my boyfriend, but he will take me out more, but im EXTREMELY bored because all we do is watch tv. i dont like it, but i always think its worse than it really is. i just wish we did something else sometimes. men are BORING. thats why i want to be single.
talk to him about it and if you already did. Then he should be doing something about it-that is, if he truly loves you. If he continues to ignore your idea, than it's time to move on... I have a quote for you "people don't truly know how to appreciate what they have until it's gone"
If he's not putting any effort into the relationship and isn't seeming interested and willing to work on it, perhaps it's time to move on.
he will make time for you if he really loves you.
Dude is selfish. Like seriously selfish. He can afford to do all those things and go out with his friends... but taking YoU out is a chore? A hassle!? hmph. And R years together... it's time you think about if you are wasting your time or not. Last thing you want is to be with a guy for years and years where it never goes anywhere and never gets better.
And not all guys don't plan well... my boyfriend is big on planning. =)
i was in that situation a few years back. The only problem was; I was whiney, naggy and much more emotional and immature about it. Looking back on my situation and with the insight I've gotten over the years, if a guy sees any sort of emotional confrontation, he will shut down on you and not take the conversation seriously. My relationship was on and off, until it finally ended. I'd say talk to him once again, state it as it is and almost take a business like approach. Even if he gets angry, don't argue back with him, just keep a calm composure. If the conversation doesn't go so well, let it be and give each other some space for a few days. During that time, you should use it to really think about whether you want this. 4 years is long and it's hard to simply move on, but you got to look at the big picture. A dime of weed like what $10? He could save some of that cash up to treat you out. (don't use that in the argument with him, im just trying to make you see). It is normal fr long term relationships to slip into some sort of "rut". But seems to me, you are putting an effort and he isn't.
I feel like you guys are jumping the gun here...
Have you tried explaining to him in detail how important a date would be to you?
I don't go out a lot with my boyfriend either, and sometimes I have to ask more than a few times for it to actually happen. Yet he still loves me and treats me extremely well.
I suggest you be as open and honest with him as possible and try and catch him on a good day.
Say something like "Even though we spend a lot of days at home together and I enjoy that private time a lot, to me, the routine we have is making our relationship dull. I would really love to go out and to share new experiences with you. We don't have to just go to the movies, we could go bowling or play pool or something. It's important to me that we just don't stay inside."
Good luck :)