Saturday, 26 November 2011

• What Will Make Him Stop?

  

  An ex boyfriend of mine from nearly 3 years ago, sometimes still write emails to me. We broke up, almost 3 yrs ago, because he admitted that he lied to keep me with him. His lie: he wanted to get married, have a small but quaint wedding and have a family. He lied because during our first month of dating, I have told me that if he's not looking for that sort of relationship, we should just part ways now because I don't want to hold someone back from living his life to the fullest or be held back from living mine to the fullest. Around the time we broke up, he told me that I wasn't The One for him because he doesn't want anything that I wanted and what not.

  Fast forward to now: my fiance and I have been with each other for almost 2.5 yrs and we're getting married next August. We frequent the area that my ex lives, he lives in a popular part of downtown area, because it has the best dessert place and we spend time walking around in the streets with a canopy of trees. Last month, my ex saw us sitting at a nearby Starbucks, holding hands while reading the paper. When I looked up for the time, he caught my eye and stared with a startling expression. I shrugged. It's been 3 yrs for pete sakes!

  In the duration of 3 yrs, he has sent me countless random emails. We tried being friends after we broke up but after a persistent try, it wasn't going to happen. He didn't want to know if I was dating other guys. He didn't want to know if I was happy. He wouldn't let me ask what he's been up to. How are we to be friends if we are restricted from parts of our lives to be asked about and to share our concern? 

  For a while, I did avoid that area of downtown streets. Even though, it's one of my favorite spots to just spend a lazy Saturday with my fiance while walking around on a summer day, I always tried to guide our schedules far away so we won't bump into him. I didn't want to ruin the ex's day because he saw us, if I can help it, why not?

  But my concern for my ex diminished as the years passed. During the first year, after we broke up, when he would write something short and random: "I think I saw you buying fruit from the IGA near by, you looked happy and tan. Did you go somewhere warm?" I tried to be polite and reply back. My dad used to think that I was being too cold and distant by ignoring him altogether, so I did it. I did the cordial and polite thing. I kept my personal life out of my email responses. They often started with, "Yes I did" or "No, it wasn't me" and always ended with, "I hope you're happy."

  But by the time the second year rolled by, his emails were beginning to be silly, "I think I saw you with your new bf, do you love him?" Eventually he'd ask, "I thought I saw you wear an engagement ring on your hand. Are you going to marry him? Do you really love him and do you think you'll be happy forever?"

  Then I thought I had given him closure when I emailed him a long and last response something along the lines of: "Yes, my boyfriend proposed and I said yes. It was an engagement ring you saw and I'm sorry we're not in a place or time to say hello and I can introduce you to him. But what would I say? This is my ex, say hello to my future husband? I hope this serves as an end to your continuous emails accumulating in my inbox. Sometimes, I don't even read them. I just delete them.

  I try to think, how would I feel if my fiance was still responding to one of his ex girlfriends from years ago, whether it's out of guilt, politeness or pity? Would I be okay with that exchange? The answer is no. I have been polite to you. It was you that lied to me, broke my heart and insisted we keep our distance. Yet, when the time came, you still email me for something, anything.

  It's been 2 yrs since we broke up, you should go and find someone else to be happy, someone you didn't have to lie to keep her with you, but who would love you for all your beliefs and wants of life. Because I'm happy with my guy; we were both raised with the same idea- find someone you love, get married, have a family and lead a long, lasting happy life together.

  And we intend to, we're getting married and I can't be happier. I wish, rather than you seeing how happy I am with him, that I can one day run into you being absolutely happy with your new person in life. Because you need to be happy too, stop dwelling on the past. You would have not wanted me to resent you for staying with you, giving up what I have wanted, so I can be with you miserable, did you? I didn't want you to resent me even if we get married and force you into starting a family, what would we have done to keep that together?

  We were not meant for each other, not with the things we wanted in life, and it's okay. But this needs to stop. If I saw you on the street, I won't stop, turn and walk away. I won't try to hold your gaze either. But I won't stop and greet you. I won't. We're not friends. We're just people who walked through each other's past at one time and I hope this completes whatever process you've been going through. If not, I don't know what else I could do. Please let me go."

  Six months ago, I check my spam/junk inbox and notice that he has sent me a response to that. I don't read it. I don't need to. If it hasn't clarified to him where I stand in my life in terms of this "help-an-ex" program, then I think I've done all that was required out of me, if not more.

  But this month, I get another "I saw you laughing at the mall with your guy" email. I don't know if he wants me to be spiteful, angry and immature about how he's continuing with this random "I saw you" emails. I've done that already. In the beginning, I was being sarcastic and mean, then I ran out of the angry steam. Then I was being polite and even apologetic. After that long email that SHOULD HAVE served as a closure, I had thought, hey! It worked! What do I do? It's been 3 freaking years! How do I make him STOP?!!

  Yes, I can let him keep writing his pitiful emails and I can sort it out so that it goes straight to spam without even knowing about it. But he does that thing where when he DOES see me and I see that he does, instead of walking past, he stares at me. He stares at us. He watches us walking past, his eyes trying to hold my gaze, to a point where my semi-unobservant and oblivious fiance actually FEELS his gaze on me. WTH?!

  Any answers? I get it if my ex and I dated for like 5 yrs and he's still having a tough time getting over the breakup. But we dated for 10 months. Every time I talked about having kids or a small wedding with our closest friends and family, he feigned enthusiasm for our possible plans. But those were all lies! Instead of being honest with me, he lied to me. And only when I had confronted him that we needed to "clear things out" he told me that he was seriously contemplating to forever end the possibility of him ever having children. Forever. So it ended.

  Let me go! Stop writing me these cryptic and sad emails! Stop trying to wiggle your way into my pity! You broke up with me! You ended it with me because you couldn't stand your own guilt for lying to me for so long! You shattered my heart in a hundred pieces but I got over it, didn't I? I tried the friend thing with you but you didn't want it. So I let you go! Why can't you just STOP?!

  If you have any tips or suggestions, please feel free. I just feel like I might have to make a new email address, notify all those in my address book and make sure he doesn't know it. But why do I have to make such actions even happen? Why can't he just stop writing me anything?!!

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