Thursday, 24 November 2011
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Girlfriend Surprise
This post was submitted anonymously.
Hi All,
I've never posted on any site period and I can't believe I'm breaking a 24 year streak now, nevertheless on a dating advice website...but I have a question I can't just go ask my friends/parents/whatnot:I have been dating this very pretty girl for about 6 months and it's been going very well. We're both in our early 20s. We get along great together, my family loves her (which is unusual), and I like her a lot. We talk a lot and from everything we've discussed I thought we had the same values. Recently, as every couple eventually does, we discussed our sexual history. In the past she seemed to always dodge this topic, but I finally pushed the subject.
After prying it out of her I find out that she has had 15 sex partners plus quite a list of other "hook-ups." She always goes to church and says that is a part of her past (although not too distant) and says she's very ashamed of it. She was crying when she told me this.
I certainly wish I never asked, but now that I know it really bothers me. I'm not a jealous person, but I never have had a caviler attitude towards sex and I was shocked when she told me. I'm a pretty perceptive person and this came out of right field. There are so many great qualities about this girl, I've never met anyone else like her and I still really like her, but now I feel like my perception of her has changed (kind-of), and I don't know if I am ever going to get over that number.
Am I being unreasonable? One part of me wants to let the past be the past, while the other says that you are defined by your actions.
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Comments (79)
You are defined by your actions, but only that it makes you the person you are today. It wouldn't be fair if you let that stand in the way of your growing relationship. Give her some time and let her prove to you that she's really not that person anymore. People do change and it seems like she's changed for the better. Don't let that overwhelming information change your mind about her.
You are definitely not being reasonable. Sometimes the habits stay with you, depending on the person. So be very careful of her. And take her to the nearest clinic and inspect her garden to see if any critters are living on/inside of it.
if you've never met a girl like her before, are you honestly willing to end it because shes had more partners than you? especially after she showed remorse. if you're honestly going to let a number affect your perception of this girl, than you do not deserve her.
This is a very tricky situation. I would suggest you get her tested for STD's. If these past actions of hers are relatively recent, there's a good chance she either still is, or will be, engaging in the same behavior. Even if they were in the distant past, I would be concerned. If she is only telling you this now, what else could she be hiding (possible STD's, unresolved issues with past lovers, etc)?
I wouldn't dismiss her right away simply because of this, because people do change, but I would be very very careful from this point on.
You asked the question, hoping and assuming, that it's a handful of a small numbers that YOU can deal with. I've learned this lesson the hard way... without actually knowing the number of women that my fiance has slept with. I thought I wanted to know, used to be hurt when he'd dodge the issue and not answer me. But one day, he told me... "if I tell you and the number is smaller than what you had thought, you'd look at me differently. Somehow, I've validated my quality seeking variable in my character trait. If I tell you and the number is bigger than what you had thought, you'd look at me differently. Somehow, to you, I have fallen from 'grace' because I've lost that thing that you had always associated with me. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, whether I tell you the number or not, would it make a difference to how much you love me?"
That hit me really hard because let's face it. If he told me the number, as she finally broke under pressure when you pushed the subject, my perception would be different from how you perceive your girlfriend. To you, she isn't just a good girl that your family and you happen to like a lot. Now, because of that statistic, she is something less than how she was before. Why did you push it? Were you okay with the subject because YOU are not ashamed with your own sexual partner history? I still don't really KNOW the number. Sometimes, I really want to know and it drives me crazy, but he's right. Would knowing the number make me love him any less or more? Should it make that big of a difference?
Don't let it change the way you feel about her. If someone else pinpointed at something that you were never good at and you were ashamed of this thing... and they judged solely on THAT aspect of your character/personality, how fair would that be?
wow 15 is quite a lot of someone early 20s.
but then again, who doesn't make mistakes in their life?
important thing she is not how she was before.
important thing is that she has the heart to change and right now, there is only you in her life.
try to look past it!
don't let this number define your relationship!
the moral of this story? don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.
you sound like a total asshole:
"i'm too good to post on the internet, let alone a DATING website!!!!1111"
"she goes to church so i know we share the same values, which include not letting anyone, anywhere fuck without being married!!!!!1111one"
so you meet an attractive, sweet girl, and you're surprised that other guys are into her...why?
Sex is an important topic and our take on it would affect every relationship she has. You see, it is not that people can't change, bet sex has a lot to do with your basic values and principles, specially talking about a woman, for us our take on sex is set on the early childhood when our family teach us what's right and wrong in life.
@prettykay04@xanga - one mistake, well anyone but 15 plus several hook ups? O.O doesn't sound like a mistake to me, more like a take on a certain topic.
Part of loving someone is accepting them "as is". It sounds like you're at the point of deciding whether or not you can love her. My only advice is that if you can't handle it and move on then tell her that. Don't drag it on keeping that scarlet letter firmly in place on her chest because you'll only destroy the love between you.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - lol... I think you've missed the overall point on the "value" situation. If you have sex with someone just b/c they value you, what does that say about YOUR particular values? Do you like someone, just b/c they like you? I think the writer is surprised, b/c he was underneath the impression that since they went to church, that they shared the same values as far as reserving themselves for the like-minded. You do have a valid point though, and I'm not taking anything away from your gesture... Just adding to it.
don't fault her for sleeping with other people when you two were not together..
The number of people she has slept with prior to you shouldn't impact the way you feel for her. As long as she has been tested for STD's and is free of them, I don't think there should be an issue. The way you feel for each other isn't affected by the number of partners she has had in her past. I'd slept with 11 guys prior to my current boyfriend (I'm 23) and it doesn't matter in our relationship. You might want to see if she's cheated, because THAT could cause reason for worry - especially if she's done it multiple times - but other than that, I really don't see any issues :) She's with YOU right now, and her past hook-ups and sexual relations shouldn't matter.
So, are you a virgin? If you were a virgin, I could understand the hesitance. If it's just a numbers issue and she's STI free, you should get over it. Though, I could be biased. I'm 21 and my boyfriend is my 15th sexual partner.
i've learned one thing asking too much questions, you should only ask if you really want to know the answer and if you can handle the truth. obviously you asked her and she was honest with you. the number of sex partners is high but if you really love and care for this girl, why can't the past just be the past? we all make mistakes and no one is perfect.
You asked. If you didn't wanna know, you shouldn't have "pried it out of her". Besides it's not like she cheated on you with them. If you dump her for it, you're an ass. Sorry, but it's true.
How many partners have you had? I've had 4 partners total and my husband freaked out. Sometimes i wonder if it's just the fact we've shared that with someone else....it doesn't matter if it's 1 other person or 15. I don't think it should matter....i don't think 15 is a crazy high number.
ya never ask a girl that question for two reasons:
1) it will never be the truth
2) if it is the truth, you (being most men) can't handle it.
I still don't know why in this day and age, women are still looked down upon
by men and women for having multiple sexual partners
WHO GIVES A SHIT!!
Id rather have a girl that knows her way around my body then some lump on a log, dusty ass inexperienced biatch :)
I would have problems with this too, honestly. I was my boyfriend's first (only) partner, and vice versa. We were 23/24 years old when we had our first time. I probably could have handled it if he wasn't a virgin, if he'd had a reasonable number of past partners and I knew about it from the start. But I agree with you that 15 is awfully high. Presumably, though, since she was crying when she told you this and says she feels ashamed of it, she no longer has a cavalier attitude toward sex. It's completely possible that she grew up and regretted her past actions. I've seen this happen with a few friends of mine that used to be promiscuous and grew out of it, even regret it now, but you can't change the past. I would get to know her better and see if you can get to the point where you can look past the number. I'm not going to say it should be easy, or shouldn't be an issue, like some other posters. It would bug me too.
A persons past is just that, their past. If you ask a question, you should always be prepared for the best and worst possible answers...especially when pertaining to a subject as sensitive as a persons sexual past.
Men need to get over the fact that women are also sexual beings. 1 dick or 30 dicks, as long as she's not fucking anyone else while with you and is not harboring any contagious diseases, how many men she's been with has nothing to do with you.
As you get older, you'll find that the number of men a woman has slept with will only increase, if you can't handle that, then become a priest.
Clearly this is bugging you and nothing anyone here says is going to change the fact that in this case, numbers matter to you.
Whether or not the folks here think you are "right" to feel as you do, isn't going to change how you feel. People are allowed their deal breakers. This might be one for you.
On the other hand, if you love her you may be able to work through YOUR issues. That doesn't mean you make her explain, apologize or anything for her choices. It means YOU go off and figure out why it bothers you, talk it out with some trusty folks, maybe even talk to a professional a few times to get a better handle on your own feelings. If you can get cool with it, great, if not be honest and part ways.
I think your concern is valid. There is a reason that people choose to have sex with others, and a large number of partners in a short period of time doesn't happen by accident. I would want to understand why my potential partner made those choices and whether they were likely to be soon repeated. Sex is an important issue in a relationship and it's important that both people are on the same page.
These are your beliefs. And if you feel strongly about this then you need to act on that. I once had a boyfriend who had a sexual history of one person, not me. And for me sex is a very sacred thing. It's meant to be shared between one man and his wife. So our relationship didn't work out. It wasn't for that one reason, there were many others, but that was a portion of why I broke up with him. I feel like sex would have been awkward with him, knowing he had shared something so special with someone else.
No one and nothing can change how you feel about certain things. So don't try to change your beliefs just to make someone else happy. You will end up resenting them.
I don't think you are being unreasonable, while almost everyone else does.
A woman is far more than the sum of her past sexual experiences. Learn to respect who she is right now and how she treats you. Nothing more. After ten years of a marriage it doesn't matter one bit how many sexual partners either person had before marriage... it will only matter how you treat each other.
She was probably crying because you shamed her. Unless you are a virgin, I'm not sure how you can fault her because she had more partners than you. What is your number? How do you feel about your past sexual partners? Probably not any more different than how she feels about her past sexual partners. This is always only an issue guys have about women. Sad.
break up if you can't handle it. it seems like you're not ready to deal with such a circumstance
but it sounds like if you break up you'll regret it since she's such a perfect match
My husband and I went through the exact same thing - and we are also believers. I don't have a number as high as your girlfriend's, but I also cried when I told him since he himself was a virgin and was holding out for his wife. From my side, I knew he was the one I was going to marry and I felt like I betrayed him.
It has nothing to do with both of you go to church but that everything rests on whether if you both believe wholeheartedly that you are saved by God's amazing grace. It is only through His grace that can help you get through and over this. It is only His grace that can help you realize that your pasts help define who you are today and see a better future together.