Thursday, 24 November 2011
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When a Guy Friend Begins Flirting With You Unexpectedly
I have this guy friend I met recently who's older than me by about 13 years or so. He is a redhead with thick framed glasses, has a super laid-back hipster vibe to him that made him seem like a cool, easy going guy. I met him through an artist Facebook group we were both a part of. I went to one of his art shows at the studio he has and he messaged me saying thanks for coming. I messaged back asking information about the art school he attended. We met for coffee to discuss it further and since then, we have become good friends.
I began to send him funny texts about my day and he would reply, sometimes spontaneously continuing the conversation the next night from the one I had the previous day with him. They would always make me laugh and help me through some rough days.
I thought it was super cool to have an older artist friend who has traveled the world, been in shows and could possibly give me advice on my career and school and whatnot. It's kind of hard for me to find other artists at my community college I currently attend who have similar interests in me, so when I began talking to him, I was happy to learn that he was invested and responsive to what I would text him and tell him.
But after I attended his last art show this weekend, I decided to call him the next day to ask for help with some art history homework and he began being flirtatious. On the phone he suddenly gave me this vibe I haven't heard from him prior. He has said before through texts we should hit up a bar together but this time he said it in a way that sounded like he was hitting on me. I thought it was awkward since he is around 30 years old (or older? not sure) and I just turned 20 so he knows I'm still a minor.
When we met, I could have sworn he was already taken since he is so much older then me. Before he hung up he said I should be sure to call him sometime this week when I'm free. I'm not sure if he thinks that the reason why I have been texting him this entire time was because I was into him, but I feel like that's his impression. I enjoyed our speedy friendship we have created yet I'm saddened to think that this entire time all he wanted to do was hit it and quit it.
This is probably the second guy friendship I've created where I had to call it quits because out of NOWHERE, they wanted to create some kind of fire that neither of us felt to begin with...can we say weird? And why do men do this? Just because I'm nice to you and I enjoy your company does not give you any right to suddenly want to flirt with me and try to pursue me when we know that all I want is your friendship.
Cant guys and gals just be friends and nothing more?
For just the sake of just a friendship. Why should we want to complicate things? And in a unexpected manner at that!
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- From: sleeping_on_the_edgeoftheworld@xanga
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Comments (36)
"I'm saddened to think that this entire time all he wanted to do was hit it and quit it."
What makes you think that? If he's been your friend and is flirting with you, it's more likely he wants a relationship than to "hit it and quit it."
"does not give you any right to suddenly want to flirt with me and try to pursue me when we know that all I want is your friendship."
How, exactly, would he know that's all you want if he doesn't try flirting with you and/or you don't say anything about it?
How about instead of "call[ing] it quits because out of NOWHERE, they wanted to create some kind of fire," you just go ahead and explain you just want to be friends, and then continue your friendship.Seems like that should be your first course of action.
Did you ever think you should just talk to him?
My best friend is very flirty, but we have known eachother for 15 years. He still calls me nicknames when we text.. we are both married to other people as well.. but our friendship started out kinda the same as your's. He saw me through a lot of hard stuff. But the key to having a friendship like that is to communicate! Men are very simple creatures, the older they get the simpler they are. (sorry guys, but you know its true). If you just want to be friends, tell him! Don't throw away what sounds like a great friendship just because you don't want to talk it out. How the heck would you ever get through a problem in a relationship if you can't talk to a friend??
Also keep in mind, the way things sound in text/FB (or any other writing) may not be the way they sound in person.. so you could just be reading way to much into this.
Or he could just be a flirty guy who likes you.
TALK to him!
I agree with @Doitean@xanga I don't read anything to indicate that he only wants a piece. Guys who just want sex are usually a lot faster to get to the point. I mean usually you won't make it through the first converation without them letting it slip. Sounds like maybe you're just angry that your intentions have been misconstrued and you're probably going to lose a friend. A ten year age gap really isn't much and being 20 doesn't make you a minor it only means you're below the legal drinking age in some states. 18 is considered an adult in the US and even younger than that in many other countries. Have a heart and give the guy a break, he's not insulting you by liking you.
Twenty isn't a minor....Eighteen is when you are considered an adult under the law.
damn.. think a lot of yourself? go on a date and get laid sheesh.. man is treating you like an adult, he likes you obviously and engaged in adult type talk. but.. try showing him that pacifier you keep in yer purse to gnaw on k?
I think she's referring to being 20 and being too young to drink legally. Maybe he doesn't think it's unexpected though. You've been texting him throughout the day. Maybe he thought there was something more there. Maybe you should try hanging out with him and seeing how it goes. If it doesn't work out, just tell him that you guys are better off as friends. If he's in his thirties he should understand that sometimes things don't work out. If you don't want to try it out, just make sure it's clear that you guys are just friends. One day when you're texting him and he says something helpful or nice just say, 'you're such a good friend'. Just friend zone him haha.
LOL
>hit it and quit it
>his is probably the second guy friendship I've created where I had to
call it quits because out of >NOWHERE, they wanted to create some kind of
fire that neither of us felt to begin with...can we say >weird? And why do men do this?
Have you been around men a lot? You don't really understand men do you?
Either you are naive or just playing dumb.
Seriously?
GROW UP, LOL.
So a guy starts getting flirty and you don't want that, then TELL THEM, I mean, for crying out loud, you say you're twenty years old, then act like it and be a little more mature!
How else is a guy going to find out the extent of a relationship or the possible extent, unless he tests it?
Or unless you flat-out told him from square one that you didn't want anything more than friendship, which, of course, you didn't, all YOU did was make assumptions!
I think you do this to yourself. Texts are SO ridiculously easy to misinterpret. Maybe, he was being playful, funny or even... joking to see if you'd freak out, which you obviously are.
Don't you know that artists tend to ignore AGE because they're transcendent above that? It's not like you're 12 and he's 32. You're 20. Sure, you're not legal to drink in public, but doesn't that mean you can't just TALK to him?!
I was friends with a guy friend of mine for 5 yrs. He was 8 yrs older than me. Nearly the end of our 5th year of being friends, he KISSED me. He was engaged, he came back to our mutual city to sell his house and settle some stuff and I was in a relationship for a year. He kissed me because he thought he should and he wanted to KNOW. I told him that I had NEVER thought of him in a romantic perspective, more like an older brother I never had, and frankly, any time he ever flirted with me, I would TELL him that he's ENGAGED. WE use our VOICES to SAY what we need to SAY. Not just vibe it out. So instead of ending it all on your end, TALK To him. Don't say, "aren't you already taken because you're SO old!" but explain to him that your FRIENDSHIP is important to you and go from there. DO NOT TEXT. FACE TO FACE so nothing goes misinterpreted on a side note.
I don't think he's too old for you......maybe a bit too mature for you though. (and by "maybe", I mean "definitely".)
some people in general are just flirty and just bc you're the opposite sex, it doesn't mean that they're flirting with you or hitting on you.
Oh, I see. It's OK for YOU to behave any way you feel but not OK for HIM to.
How is he going to know if this could be more than just a friendship if he doesn't test the waters? I can easily see how someone might misconstrue someone sending them texts about their day as "interest".
Clearly he is not a mind reader, so, since you DO have clarity on the issue, you should be very honest and up front with him, the way you think he should be with you. Model the behavior you think is appropriate.
"I began to send him funny texts about my day and he would reply, sometimes spontaneously continuing the conversation the next night from the one I had the previous day with him. They would always make me laugh and help me through some rough days."
You do this and then you wonder why...? :| :| :|
People misinterpret things all the time. Maybe he thought you were flirting with him the entire time and he finally got the balls to ask. Yeah, chances are that if a guy wants to text you like that, he probably is attracted to you. IME, guys just don't text that much. But who knows? Talk to him, tell him you just wanted to be friends and get over it. Good luck! (Age is not an issue here, age means nothing.)
All you just need to do is if he continues flirting and you don't want it to proceed to the next level, just tell him. Let him know that you enjoy spending time and chatting with him, but that you just want to remain friends. And, depending on his reaction, will gauge whether or not he just wanted to "hit it and quit it." If he begins acting as if he was interested, then you'll have to lower your amount of interactions with him. If he says, Okay. That's fine." and continues to chat, then you're all good. Just make sure you make it clear to him if you don't want a relationship or any kind of hook up.
I won't repeat what everyone else has already said, but I will say this: If you're basing this off of vibes and one interaction and your personal experience (which is next to none) then this is all YOUR fault, not his. You can't blame him for something you've brought on yourself. You need to crawl out of your comfort zone and join the real world, where people communicate instead of forming half-assed assumptions. Especially through texts. This is your wake up call, use it well. Men aren't mind readers, but they are people, and they have the right to behave as they wish, savory or unsavory; it doesn't sound like the man you're talking to has done ANYTHING wrong.
Take it from me, every time you initiate conversation with a guy, he will think you are interested in him. Those "cute" little texts, in a guy's mind mean, "Hey! I'm thinking about you!" AKA "Hey! I'm interested in you!" Don't listen to anyone who will tell you otherwise. Even if a guy has a steady relationship, he will perceive your attention as flirting.
If you have no interest in this guy, be clear. Don't send him funny/cute texts anymore. Tell him you're going out on a date, start talking about other guys...he'll get the message. It was not his fault for getting hot for you. You're probably a very pretty young woman, and well, he's a guy! Don't write him off just yet, he might turn out to be a great friend in the long run!
Youre assuming a lot. Also, 20 isn't a "minor" but you should probably understand how extremely different your lives would be at that point, with that big of an age difference. It sounds like you're kind of into him, just stop making a big deal out of it and go with it. Also, side note, when you text someone funny/quirky/cute things about your day, and meet to discuss life issues, and call and ask for homework help.... he's gonna think you're hitting on him. I don't know what's so foreign about this to you, no offense.
Well boys and girls can be friends... but maybe he thought you were sending those vibes first... idk... You shouldn't have to call it quits. If you're mature enough you can talk about why you were sending him the texts and stuff and set him straight. Guys don't like rejections yet neither do girls but you're interest was merely professional from the beginning then it should have stayed like that and he wouldn't have have the wrong impression.
@At_Sixes_And_Sevens@xanga - I think she meant a minor, as in not of the legal drinking age...
BA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
To quote Community - Since you haven't grapsed the point of those insipid Twilight books you read, Men are monsters that crave young flesh.
Your 20 and haven't figured this out? What do you do with your brain and all its thinking / figuring ability?
How do you know he wants to "hit it and quit it" ? Just tell him you aren't interested if you're not interested. Generally if you're texting a guy cute stories about your day and you're single he might think you're interested, I don't think that's unreasonable.
And are you sure he knows you're only 20? If he was inviting you out to a bar it sounds like he thinks you're older.
Be an adult. If he makes it clear that he wants more than friendship, and if you don't want that, then just say that. After that, if HE'S an adult, there's no reason the two of you can't go on being friends. It's not that hard.
wow... I'm going to try very hard not to violate any TOS by saying what I really think but I can't make any guarantees.
1) as several people with functioning brains have pointed out, you are not a minor; you may act like a minor, have the mindset and mental acuity of a minor but you are not one.
2) you are a hypocrite. you showed an interest in him, whether it was romantic or not is irrelevant, you initiated contact. when he showed a returned interest you lambasted him and put him on blast here publicly.
3) also in the hypocrite category you admit to using him to further your own interests in art, yet even though all he did was flirt; and let's face it, most people flirt, you accuse him of trying to use you for sex.
4) you have the EQ of a turnip. a) you think that because someone is older that automatically means they're in a relationship? b) you think that someone developing feelings for someone that is showing an interest in them is weird? you know what, i take that back... turnips have a higher EQ.
5) you are a user. you didn't have to say the exact words but you made it clear in this post that you weren't interested in him as a person, but rather what you thought you could get from him, help with school and your career, and you felt "safe" because he was "older and therefore taken" and "a laid back hipster"
newsflash sister, he turned out to be a person with feelings. i know, that's like a blatant violation of your trust and so creepy isn't it? perhaps I'm being a bit harsh, but honestly, not harsh enough. I've been in the position you're putting this poor fellow in and to be honest, it's people like you that make it very difficult for me to respect women at all.
You do this and then you wonder why...? :| :| :|