Wednesday, 23 November 2011
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To Cheat or Not to Cheat?
I remember hearing about those high school girls who would gush their cheating escapades to their friends, till it was un-glamorously splattered across the grape vine. "They're so dumb," I thought, "why do they need to cheat on their boyfriends? Can't they control themselves?"
I'm in college now, and the dating game is a little more serious, and my boyfriend of 2 years has lost the flirty luster of years before. I always thought I was the upright kind of girl who devoted herself to one guy. Apparently I was wrong. My boyfriend, Jay, is the true romantic. I am his first love and he would pull the world out of his pocket if he could. He tries to make enough time to go on dates, but our relationship has been majorly slacking. He's emotional, and I always thought that would be a good thing, but sometimes it's overkill.
I know I'm too young to think about marriage, but it was always on the back of my mind. You can't help but think toward the future. He's a good sweet guy, mildly good looks and always eager to help. BUT. (That is the famous last word.) I met the most interesting, sexy and charming guy. He's from Germany, with that titillating accent. Hans is incredible, he has that spark. Maybe it's just the spark that I miss from the beginning of my long 2 year relationship, but he's really something. He's a lot of things I've ever wanted in a guy, but never got. Every time I'm around him I grimace because I just want to caress him, but I'm not a fan of being unfaithful.
I feel like I should know which guy is the right choice, but the thing is that I can't. I'm one of those people that tries to please everyone, I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart, but the more I'm around Hans the more I'm intoxicated. I want more and I know it's wrong. I'm not outright saying that I'm going to cheat; I know there's a lot of stigmas and repercussions that come along with cheating. However, I really don't know what to do. The more I search for an answer, the more I'm unsure.
I've told both guys about the whole situation and both are being extremely understanding and kind. I almost wish one would turn me away so that my decision would be easier.
What would your best suggestion be in this predicament? Do you have any suggestions for a fatal attraction? Have you ever liked a guy while being in a relationship?
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- From: TheNotSoShySissy@xanga
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Comments (93)
Never cheat, period. There is no excuse.
Cheating is never the way. Maybe you should take some time to think about it but keep in mind that a new toy it's always shinier and funnier until it brokes. You might find out later that you were unfair with you boyfriend infatuation is not a good advisor.
There really isn't any way to know which way to go. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier. I was in this position once and I ended up proposing a polyamorous relationship. Just fyi, it ended horribly. My current relationship at the time was shattered after, and the other person and I ended up losing touch as well. I'm sure it does work for some people, but it didn't work for me and I don't think it does work for most. I say sit down and think about the pros and cons of each relationship. What do you really like about Hans? Does your current boyfriend provide the same? WHat do you really like about your boyfriend? Is that something hans can provide for you also? Who do you think you'll be happier with years down the line? I say years because you seem like you're into long relationships and not interested in flings. I wish you the best of luck figuring out which way you want to go.
A wise person once told me, "When you're confused, don't choose anyone, and just walk away." Yep. That's right. Just walk away and focus on you. Don't choose anyone until you're certain you made your decision. You don't want to wonder all the "what ifs" but you don't want to regret it either. Personally, I've been there and if I could go back, I wouldn't choose neither. I would of just focus on myself and see how everything played out at the end but I made my decision and I rushed into it which lead me to regret it. It wasn't a pretty picture after all.
Personally, if you choose Hans, I feel like he is just a "rebound." What happens when all the sparks are gone? Will you two be compatible enough to make the relationship work? Will you run back to your bf if it don't work? If you choose your bf, will you regret not giving Hans a chance? Will you be content in your relationship or will you always wonder? Your best bet is to be single and start out fresh with anyone. I know I wouldn't like it if I was in your bf's or Hans's position. I think I would of been the one out the door already. I don't want to be with someone whose emotionally involve with another while he's with me. It's simply not fair to me at all.
How about a threesome? Since you're the type to please everyone.
The only time you should ever cheat is if you use Game Genie to beat that trick Zelda dungeon. They can be hard to beat sometimes.
As I'm a student at an international university and having various friends with exotic or intriguing accents let me pass on this little fact...
Beneath that accent, he's going to be the same as everybody else. Difference is you'll realize this three months down the road and probably dug yourself a giant pit that you can't get yourself out of without some serious collateral damage.
Here's a thought...you knew you found Hans attractive, or as you put it, "intoxicating", why the hell would you still see him? Seriously, why are you putting yourself in a position where you know you're going to be tempted?!
It's natural to find someone else attractive while your in a long term relationship but the people in healthy, happy relationships KNOW BETTER THAN TO ACT UPON IT! The fact that you find Hans intoxicating is a giant red flag and should probably be a sign that you shouldn't be with anyone. It doesn't matter how much it hurts them, you need to focus on you! What do you want!? Do you even know?! Your confused, your unsure, and your clearly insecure, take a break from any romantic interaction and go figure yourself out before you drag people that you care about into this hole your digging for yourself.
If I had to guess, there's something significant missing from your relationship. Being attracted to another person is one thing...Intoxicated? That's an indicator that something is wrong.
I don't want to be harsh in saying this but you've actively pursued Hans, frankly, you might as well be cheating on your boyfriend at this point. It's not as bad, but your close. As for your boyfriend, props to him for keeping his cool about all of this but even still...the fact that he's not seriously upset by this (unless you're concealing how significant the situation actually is) is concerning. I'm not saying he has to go into a jealous rage...but some frustration and anger is to be expected.
In short, go on a break with your boyfriend, stop seeing Hans, and spend some serious time on self reflection and possibly see a counselor or therapist. People pleasing is actually a sign of some fairly significant psychological issues. Not saying your crazy or nuts, but you might want to look into that.
Cheating is the worst thing you can do. You'll feel terrible, and your man will when he finds out also. And he would find out. You'll feel like a trashy person if you cheat, assuming you have a heart and/or soul. Recovering mentally from an affair is not an easy road to get down. You're better off walking away like jeezshoua said. Or, you could just realize that you're always going to find someone else who you think is more attractive or funnier than the person you're with and maybe you should just be happy with what you've got. Ben Folds says "There's Always Someone Cooler Than You" and he's right, there's always someone cooler. Ultimately, "You've Got To Learn To Live With What You Are" Can you do that if you cheat? What will you become? If you can't resist Hans, don't cheat. Break up with your man and go to Hans. But live with your decision and don't go back to your man. Let him move on. You made the choice that he wasn't good enough.
My opinion is that if you're in a relationship that you're not sure you should be in and you haven't told your partner that then you're already deceiving them. I think it's better to be without a relationship than to be in one in which you can't be honest about your feelings and your doubts. Cheating has never and will never be an option for me but in the end you have to decide what matters to you and what you can live with.
Well honestly, to me you are already cheating...
You're choosing to be unfaithful to your boyfriend by continually seeing Hans. Focus on trying to get the excitement back into your current relationship than focusing on another guy.
It's up to you.
Do you feel that this German guy will give you a fling?
or do you actually see yourself being with him?
What do you want?
Do you want to get married or fool around a bit?
I think what makes this decision much harder is that your current relationship needs rekindling.
I would say try to rekindle your current relationship THEN if it doesn't work then tell him it's over and move on to the German guy.
I can't tell you not to cheat because I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that cheating is wrong and I don't have to tell you why its wrong but it will come back to haunt you.
P.S. To tell you the truth, the accent means nothing. He's just a guy under that voice.
It's easy to compare Hans to your boyfriend because he ISNT your BF. Its easy for him to be charming and "intoxicating" because he doesnt have the responsibility of being your official BF. Basically if he hurts you he doesnt have to feel guilty because youre not a couple. If you werent taken would he treat you the same? Would he treat you the same if HE was your BF? Theres no way to know for sure.
You may not be PHYSICALLY cheating but your heart is torn between two guys, and youre somewhat pursuing both of them. Even if they both say theyre cool with the situation, its still not fair to either of themI agree with a few people who have said the best thing to do would be to take time off from both guys. You can quickly find out who you want to be with, because he will be the one who is on your mind the most & the one you miss the most. If youre lucky, whoever you choose will still be around and willing to make a relationship work.
You find Hans attractive because he's someone new, someone different, someone exciting and you relationship is the opposite - familiar, something you're used to and therefore ultimately less exciting.
I've been in this situation. I broke up with a guy for someone else... at first it was wonderful... just like the beginning of most relationships. Over time I found out that the guy was actually a terrible person and I shouldn't have broken up with with the guy I was dating. But my ex didn't sympathize with my feelings because I clearly demonstrated I didn't care about him when I broke up with him for someone else.
If you're not happy with your boyfriend, break up with him... but because you're not happy. Not because you met someone else. As they say, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Think long and hard about this... make pros/cons about your boyfriend if you want. Talk to him about ways to spice up your relationship and make it more exciting. If none of that works, you may want to part ways. But you'll truly regret it if you leave him for someone else who isn't the person you think he is.
It seems like you miss those old times where a relationship just sparked to begin. You miss that feeling and excitement. You find that in Hans.
But the thing is, it's common in relationships that they lose the excitement both side had when they just started going out. What I'm saying is, eventually it will turn out the same with Hans.
Might as well discuss it with your current boyfriend and have him bring back those sparks and excitement.
lol, this i such a double-standard.. just imagine the author was a guy talking about his girlfriend and a fancy new British girl he met... now tell me what everyone would think of that guy?
www.becauseisaidsomovie.com <--- I dont know if you have ever seen this movie but, while I did enjoy the movie, it shows explicitly the double standard. Sure, she is fine at the end and they go off into the Sunset or whatever, but if it were reversed, would the female come back? Would she come back after finding out her boyfriend was also seeing and having sex with another female, whom she knew nothing about. This creates a double standard in that females are told it is ok to follow emoiton and love, even if it hurts another (also in the movie THE NOTEBOOK), but a guy is not supposed to do this. In addition, a guy is supposed to forgive a woman, because she was confused, but if a guy is confused the woman does not have to forgive but can be bitter and spiteful, even angry at the jerk for the rest of her life.
Your relationship with your bf is pretty much over. I would imagine you have fallen out of love with him. You love him, but you aren't in love with him anymore. Best to break it up now than drag it on for a long ass time. You're just delaying the inevitable. My ex felt the same way and she met a guy and broke it off with me to be with him. In reality, she did me a favor and I'm no longer wasting time on something that wasn't meant to be. And as much as it hurt at first, I'm thankful in the end =] That's a list of things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving =]
If you already considered cheating then you don't deserve to be in a relationship.
It's really as simple as that. You are trying to have your cake and eat it too- but masking it with the whole "I don't want to break his heart" crap.
If you really didn't want to break his heart and truly cared about him- you wouldn't even be thinking of making moves on another guy.
I'm starting to get really sick of this topic.Let him go so that he can find someone who has the same morals. There are girls out there who would love and appreciate him and you're taking advantage. If there are problems in the relationship- communicate! If that doesn't work- let the poor guy go. yeeesh!
Don't ever cheat. It's not hard to break up with someone first, and you are selfish if you don't because you didn't want to deal with their sadness.
Ask yourself this. Did the spark leave before you developed feelings for Hans, or did it conveniently leave after you developed feelings for Hans? Your feelings for your current boyfriend are possibly being ignored in favor of the stronger, newer feelings you have for Hans. If you get with Han's, it's just going to be the same thing you already have. Eventually that spark will leave.
If you valued your relationship, you would have stopped hanging around Hans. People in relationships who find themselves being attracted to others need to take responsibility and stay away from the new person they are attracted to, especially when one feels they might cheat. It's the same as not drinking too much when you are with a group of strangers. Be responsible and don't put yourself in poor situations.
Stop hanging around Hans completely, and focus on your relationship with your current boyfriend. When Hans is completely out of the picture, then decide if the relationship isn't for you. Right now Hans is playing too big of a part in your decision.
But really, if you won't do the work and you've allowed your feelings for Hans to develop this much and if the decision is this hard for you, then you should let your wonderful sounding boyfriend go and find someone else who deserves him.
"They're so dumb."You're going to be just like them if you cheat. Either end the relationship with your current boyfriend to pursue a new one with the new guy, or back off the new guy and try to rekindle your current relationship. It's ridiculous how anyone would even ask themselves this question.
You're not mature enough for a committed relationship. Stop wasting your poor bf's time and dump him so you can be single and get all the attention you so desperately need.
Don't cheat. Break it off, if you must, because it isn't fair to your bf or to Hans. Also, does Hans feel the same way about you? And since you already told them both, maybe its about time to just explore. Not necessarily jump into it with Hans but just be single and flirt with him. Figure it out.
If you do decide that you want to cheat or start to seriously consider it, I suggest breaking up with your boyfriend. I think it's one of the most disgusting things you can do to another person and that it just shows incontinence and lack of self-control or discipline.
What some people don't seem to understand is not everyone is your 'forever guy/girl". It may just be that your time with Jay may be at its end. If every cute guy was the one you were meant to be with, there would be no real point in dating. I'd say make sure you aren't just swept up in the idea of Hans before making any decisions. If you really could see being with him for a substantial amount of time I'd take a hard look at your current relationship.
I understand this isn't going to be very popular advice but the truth is I feel that a lot of people end up miserable in a relationship because they don't realize that not everyone is meant to be even if the person is seemingly perfect. People grow and change and sometimes the things that attracted us at first no longer hold us there. I really feel like if people approached relationships like this there wouldn't be so much infidelity or failed marriages because someone 'fell out of love'.
If you don't pick, one of these guys will meet somebody else and that's you picking by default.
Doesn't sound to me like either one is the love of your life anyway.