Tuesday, 22 November 2011
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He's Being Deployed: Is Marriage Right?
This post was submitted anonymously.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I have a little one of three. We moved in after 7 months and things were great. Like anyone, we have our ups and downs but have always come through. Having a family and getting married is my dream. We've talked about it various times to which he always rodeos around the wedding topic. I had advised I didn't want to keep adding years to our relationship if he wasn't going to propose or commit.
We began to talk about getting married and making a few plans here and there for our wedding. Last week he was advised that he was going IA to Afghanistan and being deployed out there for a whole year leaving January. So he asked me to marry him.
I of course said yes and then... he tells me he never had a ring so he asks his sister's for hers to give to me? So I asked him if deployment wasn't around the corner, would he have proposed and he answered, "Not until August next year." My heart sank. I thought because we had been talking about getting married and the requirements for it, and the time and planning we were putting into it the proposal would come sooner. Now I feel like if it weren't for deployment, the marriage proposal would still be on hold for 10 more months!
So is getting married right now okay?
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Comments (43)
I think it's okay. My grandparents wanted to get married before my grandfather went off to war because they wanted to make it official just in case something happened.
This is a tough situation.... considering I cannot imagine how confused and anxious you must be, here is my opinion... I think, unless the little one of 3 is a child with him, I don't think you should get married. He wasn't going to propose until next year, but it only became a "convenient" time for him to propose to you "just in case." And whether or not it's a ring-pop ring, or even a basic wedding band of gold, he should have arranged YOU to have your own ring. Clearly, this was a last minute arrangement to ask for his sister's ring for you, but how does that even work? do you guys have the same sized fingers?
I think he's feeling like he's running out of time. Yes, you will worry for him and concern will be from him as well. but I don't think marriage is a good idea for you, esp. getting him to finally commit only took the announcement of being deployed to Afghanistan. Best of luck!
It is not my life, so I cannot say what is best for you or your child. But here is my opinion: I don't think it would be a great idea to marry him before he heads off to Afghanistan. 1. He proposed at his convenience. 2. You gave him an ultimatum. Marriage is not to be taken lightly, it should be something you both want at the same time. If he's not proposing because he wants to sweep you off your feet and get married right now, then chances are, either one of you can resent the arrangement in the future. Have you considered all the possible outcomes? Or the lifestyle that entails from be married to a military man? I have a friend whose husband is currently serving in Afghanistan. Not a day goes by she doesn't worry about him. But luckily for her, her family is not such an unreasonable distance to visit frequently, and his family is nearby. I hope you can make the best choice for your family, and best of luck to you.
it's a tough situation. my only advice is to do what's best for you and your child.
Okay. Here's the thing you have to remember: he was going to propose either way. Does it really matter when he does it? Chances are, he was saving for a ring, which is why he was waiting. But now you have it sooner rather than later, which is what you wanted. I don't think you need to be upset about this. He loves you. He's proposed to you because he wants you in his life. Give the guy a break.
As far as whether you should get married now, there's also something you need to think about from a practical standpoint, even though it's horrible to fathom: if you marry him, and he is killed in Afghanistan, you have more rights and benefits as his wife than as his girlfriend or even fiancee. Now, this isn't a reason to get married in and of itself, but practicalities like this bear consideration. And I'm sure he's thought about it, too. Honestly, there's every chance he proposed now because he doesn't want to leave you alone and uncared for should something happen to him...but, of course, who actually wants to say that?
Ultimately, only you can decide what to do about this. But a ring isn't the important part, here. The thing to keep in mind is his love and commitment to you. Timing isn't as important if his proposal was truly from the heart.
-Katie
akatiegirl makes a very good point. He did say he was going to propose in August but was waiting, and now he has a reason to do it a little sooner. Normally I would say it would be better to wait, because so many people in the military get married too quickly, and end up divorced (my final capstone project in college was divorce in the military... I'm in the military too by the way) but they usually don't know each other well (you've been together two years, which in my opinion, is plenty of time to know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not). Anyways, the Army doesn't legally recognize girlfriends, but they do recognize wives.
On the other hand, you DO run the risk of him proposing just because he doesn't want you running off with someone else while he's gone, but again... he did say he was planning on proposing anyways, but maybe he realized he doesn't have the luxury of waiting anymore. Sometimes an ultimatum isn't a bad thing... You realize what you might lose if you don't take it, and ultimately decide in the long run that you don't want that thing gone in the future. However, you should do what YOU feel is right. It might be better to wait because the distance might REALLY hurt the relationship, and you won't know how you two respond to distance until you've had it, and it's much easier to breakup than to divorce. You'll have to base this one on how serious you think he is.
Also, one question... How old are you two? If he's a little older, chances are that he's more sure of his decision, and it'll most likely have a better outcome than if he's younger. Not to say that if you two are younger that it won't end well, but age does make a difference.
Obviously, if he had already had a date in mind for the proposal, he already planned for commitment. The REAL question is, will you be able to handle yourself when he is gone? It takes a strong, committed, independent man or woman to be able to handle a relationship with someone who is going away on deployment, especially a combat tour. There is going to be a lot of worrying involved, and depending on where exactly he ends up, very little option of communication.
Frankly, if I was him, I would have waited until after the deployment to propose. If you two can make it through a deployment together, you can pretty much make it through anything.If you do decide to get married beforehand, make sure you get in contact with other dependents like yourself who have experienced what you are about to, make friends with them, ask them advice, and let them help you through it. The hardest job in the military is being a military wife/girlfriend but it's easier if you have support.I mean ya'll planned on getting married anyways. so no worries :) wait if you want to wait though. whatever you're comfortable with.
just know... when they deploy.. its no picnic! and i truly hope you will be a faithful good woman to someone who is serving this country!!!!
Sounds like he had a plan in mind but, because of his deployment, he wanted it done sooner. It was still going to happen, but he loves you enough to propose to you before he goes.
Ultimately, it's up to you and what you think is best.
I had a different response typed until I read that military guys get paid up to $12,000 more a year if they're married and they get more privileges on base.
I do find it weird that he asked his sister for a ring, after moving the date up. He could have easily said he was going to pick one up, or wanted you to pick one with him. Asking for his sister's ring seems wrong. Even if money's tight, he can get one without a diamond or even a different kind of stone.
Maybe you're questioning it because of those things. He loves you, but is it enough? Plus, being married to a military guy is hard.
On the other hand, you already live together and have a kid, so why not?
Who cares? Life is too short to worry about 10 months from now. Just be happy he asked you and go damn do it
If it was going to happen later on anyway, I think it's fine.
My boyfriend and I probably won't be getting married for another year or so, but if he asked me to marry him right now, I would.
He wants the separation pay. A lot of people in the military get married right before deployment in order to get more money out of the deal.
@Babii_Dragon@xanga - ouch!!! lol
Chances are he moved up asking you just to be sure you don't run off while he's gone for a full year.
So, IMO, (having been in the Navy) you need to decide whether you want to marry him or not. Don't play games, don't have doubts, decide that. If you need him to reassure you, well he did say he had planned to ask next August (perhaps he was counting on something then??? a pay increase? he's up for a new pay grade or duty station???). Men tend to think really technical like that.
Chances are in Afghanistan he ain't gonna find someone to run off with, but you could. Good luck!
He might be worried about losing you... But he was planning to marry you at some point. What you need to decide is if he is the one. If he is, go for it. If not...then don't. Do what you think is best for you and your kiddo.
Is he just marrying you for the extra money that the military pays him while he's deployed away from his spouse? I'm just wondering since he's put off marrying you for this long and he basically said straight up that the deployment is the reason why he proposed.
My boyfriend is in the Navy and he's talking about marriage like crazy and saying all the same trite crap that everyone else (including some commenters here) have said about how "If you can make it through the deployment you can make it through anything." I think that's bullshit, frankly. I'm used to living by myself and by the time he gets home we'll have made it through an eleven month deployment together, then we'll be living together. THAT's the real test.
If your relationship wasn't to the point that he wanted to actually marry you at this time before, then the only reason he's marrying you is because of the deployment and that's lame as hell.
If you love him, you will be faithful and wait, (marriage or not) You can only do what your heart tells you. I've been a Military wife myself for almost a year, it's hard as hell, and deployments come with the marriage, you get him, you have to take all of him. It's so very hard, but so worth it in the end. always.
if you love him, go for it. it'll be hard without him around, for sure.
maybe you could wait until he came back to get married, and if you both still want to then you'll know it's right. getting married then being away from someone for a whole year would be heart breaking.
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Love is love and deployments are hard and stressful. As a former Marine wife (hubby got out after his 5 years) I understand how hard it can be to make this decision-marry before or after. We chose before because of the benefits that went with it (trust me though, they aren't as much as what you would think. It's actually kinda sad that it's not more) and peace of mind that I would be taken care of if something happened to him.
If he was going to do it anyway he was probably waiting for the money (I'm guessing you guys are young and his rank isn't very high. $600 or so bucks every 2 weeks is not ring purchasing money unless you have a savings plan going for it). You have to do what you feel is right and comfortable but I think you should go for it. You love him and he loves you. That is what matters-not the money, not the ring, not a big fancy ceremony. You and him and that baby. That's it.
PS-Tell his sis to keep her ring and go grab yourself something from Walmart for now. My wedding band was less than 100 bucks and I never take it off.
I don't see why not... I would personally have liked him to propose for love and wanting to be my husband. Not because he is being deployed... like seriously? that is why?! I dunno... you wanted to marry him anyway right? That is why I say why not.
I just got married this month and it was for the same reason. He's being deployed in February. I knew he wouldn't have proposed for a while had it not been for the deployment, but we both wondered what if something happened to him and we never got the opportunity to marry the person we truly care about. He just wants to make sure that you and your child are taken care of if anything does happen. At least he was eventually going to propose. It just happened sooner than expected. Deployment seems to rush things a little bit, but don't look too much into it because he's really just trying to do what's best for you.
Marriage should not be taken lightly, however, you've had 2 years to think about it. Regardless of when he was "planning" on proposing, I would marry before he goes to Afghanistan. If something happens and he doesn't return, how bad would you feel for not spending the time you had with him to the fullest? In all reality, he probably had some concerns about getting married which was not selfish but thinking of you as well which is the reason why he skirted around the topic prior to now and was putting it off even still. He has his own insecurities or whatever so don't look badly on him because he was planning on proposing next August and only decided to do it because he was being deployed.
@DeadRosePetal@xanga - I agree with you, although I think she has to look at the logical aspects of deployment too. If she's currently relying on his income to survive, or if they've combined incomes in their house hold, and (god forbid) she needs to prepare herself for that change, and consider what she's going to do if (heaven forbid) something happens to him while he's over there.
My situation was a little different as we had a 1 year old daughter together when my husband was deployed. We had lived together for 2 years and we relied on his income as I stayed at home with our daughter.
Sadly, I also think there's a stigma about being the 'girlfriend' of a deployed soldier then it is the 'wife' of a deployed soldier. People don't take you seriously as the girlfriend, sad but true. And if she has power of attorney, she's going to run into a lot of walls when it comes to banks, home accounts, etc.
But I do agree- deployments will test the true mettle of your relationship. It will either break you or weld you together closer then ever before. If you make it through that, you'll make it through everything.