Tuesday, 22 November 2011

• Good Intentions or Completely Clueless?

   

  A couple of summers ago I started seeing a girl that I worked with.  We had many mutual friends and hung out most days after work.  By summer's end we had decided to try our luck at starting a new relationship with each other.  Unfortunately, she would soon be leaving to go study abroad for the semester.  We both knew that the timing was horrible to begin this, but when something feels so right, you have to see how it will turn out, don't you?  She would be gone for four months, 6,000 miles away, and on a 13 hour time difference.  Yeah, this was going to be tough. 

  Like many long distance couples, we resorted to web cams and IM's, and for a while we were able to make it work.  Our relationship was practically defined by this technology.  There were countless days and nights of making each other laugh, planning things we would do together once she came back, watching each other slowly fall asleep, and fighting over who would be the one to press the "End Video Call" button because we both hated saying goodbye.  For three months it went on like this until, one day, she stopped talking to me.  Responses became succinct, requests to video chat were postponed indefinitely, and eventually, she had removed herself completely from my life.

  As you can imagine, this had left me slightly perplexed.  At first, I thought she was mad at me.  Then I thought she probably started seeing someone that she met there.  And finally, as days became weeks, I started concocting scenarios where a revenge seeking ex-boyfriend got released from prison, and out of love for me and concern for my safety, she had shut me out of her life.  I was losing it more and more it as the days wore on. 

  I like to think I have a pretty solid understanding of girls and relationships, but this situation had left me dumbfounded.  How could she just stop talking to me without any explanation?  Is this normal behavior?  I mean, we have some of the same friends.  We hang out at the same places.  How long could she possibly ignore me for?  It turns out the answer to that is one month. 

  For one month I'd have to repeatedly answer questions about her from our friends.  They would ask me, "How is she doing?" and of course I'd reply, "she's good", but really, I had absolutely no idea.  I figured it was much better than explaining to them that not only was she my girlfriend, but she was also a very talented magician who could vanish at any moment, and evidently took the magicians code of silence far too literally.

  After much insistence on my part, she finally agreed to speak with me when she came back home and made it clear that she wanted to do it in person.  Now, I'm no idiot when it comes to relationships, so I very intelligently surmised after Day 2 of Communication Strike that, more likely than not, this wasn't going to end well.  I was just desperately in need of that thing we all long for when relationships fail—closure. 

  The day it would all make sense finally arrived.  I would get the answers to all of my questions.  Was it because of something I did?  Did she fall in love with some handsome stranger with a foreign accent?  Or was it that diabolical prisoner ex-boyfriend?  The great revelation she had for me was that she "didn't want to be with me," (obviously) and "because it just didn't feel the same for her anymore"  That's it.  This is what I waited one month to hear.  I could have inferred just as much on my own when she first started ignoring me.  Actually, I did. 

  Assuming the worst after one week of her disappearance, I wrote the following letter to her.  It was more a way for me to deal with this situation than it was a way to get real answers.  I didn't even let her read it until after she had finally decided to let me know what was going on.

  Dear _______,

  I cannot help but think that I am losing you at this very moment.  What I do understand is that things have changed between you and I in just a matter of days.  What I cannot understand is why you haven’t said anything to me explaining why.  I would’ve thought that if there was anything you knew about me at all it would be that I am understanding.  I only hope that I am wrong.  And that the past few weeks were just a phase we had to get through.  However, I cannot help but fear the worst.  My instincts when it comes to these kinds of things are rarely ever wrong. 
  

  They tell me now that you’ve lost interest in me.  For what reason I cannot say.  But I know as well as anyone that you don’t ever need a reason.  Sometimes you just have to do what feels right for you.  By the time you read this, I will no longer be mad.  You gave me no other choice but to deal with this on my own.  And I have been.  I understand you may have thought that it would be easier on me if you just distanced yourself.  But you and I both know that only made it easier on you. 
  

  It baffles me to even try to comprehend how you believed this would play out.  But maybe I’m just giving you the benefit of the doubt in that you even care.  I also know at this point there are no amount of words I can write or say to bring you back to me.  In fact, it’s probable that the more I go on, the worse it gets.  So I will leave you with this.  I am glad I met you.  I am glad we got to spend time in each others company.  And I am glad that you are happy.  Even if it is without me.  And I do mean that.  Go with the flow.

  In the past, a letter like this would not have been as nearly as composed.  It would have been overrun with insults, profanity, and a sweeping theme of grandiose posturing on my part.  But I am a changed young man.  A pitiful, jaded, young man.

  Her reasoning for making me wait so long was because she felt I deserved to be told "in person".  I was shocked at how sincere her intentions were and that, in the end, she was actually trying to be considerate.  I couldn't be mad at her anymore because I finally understood what was going through her mind.  That does not mean I agreed with how she handled it.  But I understood it.  I only wish she had tried to see it from my point of view.  I would have much rather her had taken the impersonal approach and been honest with me than for her to have let me hold on to something that no longer existed between us.

  I recognized it as an honest mistake.  And as far as "honest" relationship-ending mistakes go, there are probably not that many I would ever consider accepting.  But I had to accept this one for my own sanity's sake.  Thankfully, we've managed to remain friends and yes, I know that sounds crazy.

  If you were her, how would you have handled it?  Do you think there are any situations when doing things "in person" just isn't practical?  Was I expecting too much?

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