Monday, 21 November 2011
-
6 Tips on Giving Relationship Advice
We've all been there. Our friends confide in us to help them through rough patches with an unfaithful, untrustworthy, or unmanageable partner. Life-long friends will duke it out because of bad relationships and strongly held opinions about the other's decisions. "I won't talk to her if she insists on being with that jerk", "I swear, I can't take their constant fighting anymore", and "Why do they always make us choose between the two of them?" are all easily avoidable scenarios. Here are 6 tips that will help you when helping others:
1. Listen more, Talk less
Never mistake your friend's need to vent as your cue to start doling out wisdom. Sometimes saying things aloud is all a person needs to help themselves. So, be a good friend, open your ears, and keep your mouth shut.
2. Be Cool, Calm, and Collected
When someone comes to you and is hysterical, the last thing they need is for you to be angry, judgmental, or otherwise, in another heightened emotional state. Whether we realize it or not, we feed off of each other's energy. Nothing spells disaster like two hyper-emotional people attempting to have a meaningful conversation. Think of the last time you drunk-dialed an ex. It wasn't pretty was it?
3. No One Wants to Feel Dumb
When someone comes to you for advice, they are usually tip-toeing around the question, "Am I being stupid?". Even if the answer is clearly "yes", you should be just as evasive and refrain from giving such a direct answer. Nobody wants to be told that they are being stupid. Just offer them a chance to view things from another perspective and they'll realize it on their own. Self-realization is so much more lasting and powerful than you chiming in with, "Stop being an idiot, you idiot!"
4. Do Not Hang Their Partner Out to Dry
Watch out for this one. When you bash someone's partner behind their back because you think it will help your friend "see the light", take a wild guess at who won't be invited to the wedding after they get back together? People will always forgive their partners in the end, but they will never forget the hurtful things you said about them when they came running to you for help. Sadly, I don't think you should expect to get a "Thank You" card, even if you were trying to be helpful.
5. Love is Blind
Couples involved in a toxic relationship always get back together because they feel their is something intangible that exists between them that their friends will never understand. Unfortunately, we the friends, are simply trying to show you something that is very tangible and unhealthy that everyone other than you is able to see. When you finally do, it will be like waking up from a bad dream. As a friend, you have to know where to draw the line and when to stop getting involved. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"
6. Remember, It's Not Your Relationship
When in doubt, don't say anything at all. Sometimes the best way to save your own friendship with someone is to avoid getting involved in the first place. What you have to say may be the God's honest truth, but who appointed you to be God's messenger? Dating advice is one of those things that is great in theory, but in the end, we learn best from our own mistakes.
What have your experiences been like when asked for advice in relationships? Do you think they found it helpful or was your insight ignored?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: MikeyS
- Name: MikeyS
- Location: Long Island, New York, United States
- About Me: Here to share my relationship successes, blunders, downright failures, and thoughts about dating in general. Some of it is embarrassing, some of it is funny, some of it I'm not proud of, and some of it I've never shared with anyone. I'm just going to tell it the way I see it. (Friend, subscribe, or ask me anything. I'd love to hear your thoughts about past topics and your ideas about future ones!)
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 26 Views: 0 134739 Comments: 0 1126 View all posts by MikeyS
Comments (38)
Damn, son. I actually totally agree.
Clap clap clap clap clap *
* IF there is abuse involved, none of the above apply. Tell them they are being abused and they must get out. No need to say more, but repeat as necessary, and yes this DOES apply to men being abused by women as well.
Advice on giving advice, how interesting.
Good points! It's hard for people to learn how to deal with each other and the ability to listen, be compassionate and calm are a very valuable set of skills.
Absolutely. And to add, BE SENSITIVE. When your friend gets dumped and comes to you to be consoled or to vent, it isn't your time to chime in with your own relationship problems. It's not about you. It's about them. While it's nice to share & feel shitty together, it's not that time. It's their time and they need to feel better. And most of all, as bad as you have it, you still have your S.O. It's over for your friend. Leave your problems behind and be there for your friend.
Also, definitely listen more. Listen listen listen. Some people DO just need to get things off their chest to feel better.
best list ever. i need to keep this all in mind.
I try to refrain from giving advice to friends unless it is asked for, key word being "try" because it's an old habit of mine. From my experience, people are going to do what they want regardless of what advice you give them. People piece together random bits of information and ideas in their minds in order to supplement whatever belief, desire, or drive that they have, no matter how ridiculous it may appear to others. It's best to just let people learn their own mistakes. If you constantly try to shelter or protect your friend all it does is impede their growth as individual and they maintain the same limiting beliefs because they've experienced nothing else.
In summary, keep your mouth shut and just listen. If they want your opinion, they'll ask for it. The only instances where it's acceptable to speak up is when abuse occurs but at the same time, and again this is from a great deal of personal experience, even in those instances people don't often listen to advice.
good post! :)
No. 4 is a big one.
@ccccourage@xanga - Every single bloody blog, anything to do with relationships, I am constantly seeing 'if there is abuse involved'. Why is it women believe that all men beat the shit out of their bitches? Always, it's 'he must be abusing her'. Men are not abusers. You speak of a tiny, tiny, minority. I would ask that all bitches refrain from constantly stating there may be abuse involved.
It is comments like this which would suggest there is a reason why some loser men actually do 'abuse' the bitch because she probably deserved it. Especially if I keep seeing this same bullshit comment again and again. This is what liberal feminazis have wrought upon our society. And people wonder why I seek to crush liberalism once and for all.
Truth to the nth degree
@FascistCanuck@xanga - Dude. You're clearly trying to start a fight. That person even emphasized the "IF," stressing the obvious: it isn't always, but it is sometimes.
@FoxFire12@xanga - Why does it need to be brought up at all? Every single bloody blog, it's 'guy abuses bitch' this, and 'guy beats bitch' that. It is getting old.
@FascistCanuck@xanga - Um, MAYBE you should have read my entire comment, it was pretty short. I specifically said that this applied to WOMEN ABUSING MEN as well, because they do.
So, you are bitching to the choir. Abuse, in any form is NOT ok, don't give a damn who dishes it, and NO ONE EVER deserves to be abused. If you don't like the behavior of the other, leave the relationship with everyone's self respect intact.
@ccccourage@xanga - We are in a pussy, feminazi liberal society. Women abusing men does not exist, didn't you know? Impossible. How dare you even suggest such a thing?
Great tips! Especially the part about listening more than actually giving advice, because often people start giving their opinion rather than real advice.
I've been giving out advice recently because a friend of mine has been going through a very rough time. It's been going well so far and the person that sought my advice is grateful. We even bonded and found other common ground together ;D
Good tips though ;3
Often times, if you get a person talking (keep asking questions to get them to delve into the situation), you serve two purposes: help them get it all off their chest, and let you know what their view of the situation is.
Sometimes they're well and truly lost. Other times, there is a one-or-the-other decision and they know what choice they want to make...they're just scared to admit it. But once you hear them talk about it, and see what points they think are important, it becomes clear what they want to do, even if you disagree, you can mirror that sense back to them (so either "it looks like you want to do A and I agree" or "well, I think you should do A because..., but you seem to be leaning toward B a lot.")
Great tips, we tend to forget we're talking about someone else relationship and background
Actually, my friends have told me that my honesty in "yes, you're being very stupid because you keep repeating the same action that leads to your emotional detriment over and over again" has been the best answer I've gave in helping them get out of a bad and unhappy relationship.
Great list though! It depends on the friend to be THAT honest with. If they're the sensitive type, of course by all means, don't tell them that they ARE being stupid when they ask the obvious question.
Funny thing, when I was in a not-a-great relationship a couple of years ago, I went to my best friend (at the time) for advice. Instead of being honest with me, as I have been with her as she requested, she gave me a wishy-washy passive comment that didn't really HELP me at all. She listened but she kept saying "maybe this" and "maybe that" when in the end of the day, it would have been worth so much more if she said "he's not right for you because a, b, and c, plus you're not happy." I've always been clear with her, but her being the passive-aggressive type, she never came out to say anything, but "try" and "maybe" it'll work out, blah blah. So, I've learned that I should not go to her for help if I want to organize my thoughts and feelings, but if I needed a nice, feeling sparing listener. Some people can't give out advice any more than ask for them. *sigh*
HELL FRIGGIN' YEAH!!!! Nice post! *high five*
Great advice! I'll keep these tips in mind. I especially liked #1. Very true.
Good advice on giving advice. I tend to give a little too much "tough love" to my sensitive friends, so I need to work on that especially with #3. I used to never hold back in saying a person was stupid for their actions. It got to the point where one friend admitted that she would just stop telling me about what was going on in her life, because she knew I would criticize it. Now I've tried to advise on friends' relationships so much that I realized there's just so little I can do. Even if there's been abuse, the girls always go right back and it makes me so angry.
completely agree
to me, it's "be honest"...i know it could be harsh sometimes but when i turn to someone i trust and confide in for advice, i want them to be honest with me bc sometimes they have a better view than i do.
i needed this post way back when two of my best girlfriends were having boy problems. ugh!! but I now know better for the next time. And listening is the best thing anyone can do.