Sunday, 20 November 2011
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When Your SO Loses a Loved One
Recently, my family lost a loved one. It's been pretty tough, but we're doing the best we can to get through it and keep on living. I think what has been hardest for me is the fact that I'm 200 miles away from home. It has been leaving me feeling pretty disconnected from everything that has been going on with the family and, sometimes, I think the loss hasn't quite hit me yet.If it wasn't for L, this would be so much harder on me. Being in a relationship during this part of my life has helped me get through so much. And, while this post is partially homage to L for being so wonderful to me, it is also a sort of help guide to those of you who are looking to comfort your own significant others in situations like mine.
Here are some suggestions:
- Try not to overdramatize the situation. Everyone knows death is just a way of life. Don't act like it's never happened before.
- Offer your ears. One of the best things you can do for your SO in a time of loss is to just listen. It doesn't matter if (s)he is talking about the person they've lost or the baseball game on tv last night. Just listen.
- Check in every once in a while just to see how (s)he's doing.
- If your SO is an active person, try going out and doing things together to take his/her mind off of things.
- Don't necessarily avoid the situation, but try not to bring it up unless your SO does first.
- Maybe do yoga together. Yoga is a great stress reliever for the mind and body.
- If you aren't into yoga, get massages together. The massage will be relaxing for you, helpful for your SO, and it will be nice to be there together.
It's really important to understand that every person reacts differently to loss and that their pain and grief are gauged by who it is that they have lost. These suggestions are just that-- suggestions. They may only work for some people in certain situations.
What are some things you've found help during a loss of a loved one? What can you suggest to your SO during a time of loss? What can you suggest to those trying to help?
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About the Author
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (8)
Every situation is going to be different and every person is going to handle it differently. It depends on many things: how long the person knew the person who passed, how close he or she was to him or her, how old he or she is when he or she died, etc....
My boyfriend's little brother died last year. I wasn't sure how to handle it, and I don't feel like there's any real advice anyone can offer that's going to be perfect. Take it as it comes and handle it as best as you can.
My boyfriend and I had only been about six months into our relationship when it happened, so I wasn't sure how to handle it. I cancelled my plans to go home for Thanksgiving and stayed with him through the week of the funeral. He seemed to be okay, he wanted to be strong and be there for his parents. But at 3am every night I was grateful I had stayed. My poor sweetheart would wake up sobbing and crying out memories of him and his brother. I cried with him, hugged him tightly and told him I was sorry and was there for him.
At the funeral, I gave him space, but watched him from a distance. I realized anytime I stepped away to give him space, he'd start searching for me instantly. So I stayed with him.
The anniversary of his brother's death was a few days ago. I made sure not to make any plans that night in case there was something he wanted to do - even if it was just take some time for himself and/or his family. I suggested we go to his parent's house to see how they were doing. We had dinner and wine with them and shared experiences.. our time together seemed to help everyone cope with their loss.
As I've said before, I really don't think there is any real advice that will work for every situation or every person dealing with a loss, but being there for them and letting them know you care seems to make a world of difference.
I'm sorry about your loss.
I kind of agree with @Writer2009@xanga - When my boyfriend lost his mother 2 years ago, he kind of shut me off too. It took him time to open it up and talk about it.
When he did, I tried to just hold his hand and listen to him. It was better when I could give him time beside him. When I was busy at work, I only called to check on him and it wasn't good. I learned it the hard way. He didn't like it at all.
He did have very depressing thoughts too as he was very lonely. His Dad worked at overseas so when his break was over, he left. His brother also left for the states for his school. I also wish I had given him more time, but ... he did get better as the time went by.
@kyalzinlay@xanga - Thank you. You got lucky with hand holding. When mine shuts down, he doesn't want to be touched.
It does get better with time. Bryan took a turn for the better after his grandmother passed. He is back to the guy I met ten months ago.
I truly hope everything gets better soon. Time heals all wounds...
My younger cousins were killed in a car accident this summer. The best thing my SO did to help was go for walks with me when my mind was too busy to sleep, so I had someone to be with and to be distracted. We spent a lot of time on benches sitting in silence, which was exactly what I needed.Â
My SO made a CD for me shortly after my mother died, I was 21.
I was the strong point in my family, running on empty for a full week and had yet to break down, the best thing he did for me was take my exhausted body into my bedroom, turned on the CD and let me crumble in his arms. It was and still is the only time I cried.
He had lost his dad when he was around my age (he is 10 years older then me) and he could see in me that I was running on nothing, pulling weight for everyone else, keeping things together and was going to explode any moment, I couldn't have done it without him.
Unfortunately, I've experienced this quite a lot in my young marriage. A lot of the advice I'd give should be taken for friends, too.
1. Don't take it personally. It is not about you right now. Your SO/Friend needs time and space to work through emotions. Be present, but don't get upset if you can't make him/her feel better right away or if s/he seems shorter-tempered or emotional lately. It is not about you.
2. Ask. Don't be afraid to bring it up. It's much more comforting to know that friends/loved ones are still aware of your grief by asking. If s/he doesn't feel like talking about it, s/he will tell you. But knowing that you still remember and care is important. After all everything calms down, it feels like everyone has forgotten. So, ask.
3. Put it in your calendar to check in with the grieving one every few weeks. And put it in your calendar MONTHS away. Again, it feels like people forget because they all go on with their lives, while the grieving person feels left behind. That's when they will really need you -- when the dust settles.
4. Don't just say "call me if you need anything." Pick something you can do for that person and DO IT. Mow the lawn, help sort through bills, bring over a meal, clean the house, go grocery shopping, make plans to do something fun, etc. Think about what your talents are and take the initiative to offer them.
5. If someone died from cancer, please don't say "at least they're not in pain anymore" or some other cliche. It's empty and the grieving know it. It also doesn't lessen the pain they feel about their loss.
6. Give your SO/friend permission to cry. Sometimes people feel like they need to be strong around others or worry about making others feel awkward. If they start crying, don't try to stop them -- tears are okay and cathartic. Just get over your own awkwardness and be there for them.
Here are some good websites that cover some of this and more: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm and "What Grieving People Want You To Know" by Dr. Virginia Simpson (Google it)
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