I always wonder how some people are able to bounce back from heartbreak. I know personally, I never took it well. I had my heart broken twice badly and a few several stabs here and there that still affect it. I spent a month or so upset, with low self-esteem wondering what I did to make things go wrong, then I spent other times either angry at the ex or just avoiding relationships. Then at some point, I feel lonely and ready for another SO. And so the cycle continues. I'm amazed at how long it takes me to recover, yet, after the two big heartbreaks that occurred one after the other, I began to be more cautious. Even now I'm cautious.
I noticed that females are more likely than males to bounce back without worrying about the past. Well, of course we worry about things repeating, or seeing a clone of our ex, but we have the guts to bounce back. Some males, on the other hand, according to my observation, have given up after being badly burned after an ex. Take 1 of my exes for example. He and I dated in freshman year of college for 2 months before he broke up with me. He broke my heart badly, which took quite a while for recovery since it was my first heartbreak.
As I later learned, the reason for the breakup was his commitment phobia. I guess I should've known since even his friend told me that I'm probably his longest relationship, and as I heard from others he did regret the decision. Yet, after a while, he started talking to my other friend (before we met) because he was flirting with our mutual friend, and they got together for a week or so before he said he couldn't do it. Since then, he didn't have any girlfriends, whereas, both my friend and I had several other relationships.
I feel in a way, I have damaged him as much as he damaged me. Or maybe it's the fact that we would always have a portion of feelings for each other. I admit, in the back of my mind, I still have some feelings for him, but I'm too ashamed to admit it because he's just too weird and gross. His true colors make me disgusted by the sight of him being my boyfriend, but those feelings that I had then were true. To be honest, it was the closest to me both receiving and getting love from a boyfriend. So I guess I do have a few left over feelings, which is why I like to avoid him as much as I can before they come back. Though I know I would never want to date him again because his personality/true colors gross me out.
But maybe I am wrong about males not bouncing back after a heartbreak. The guy I met online and went on a date with once, who ended up being a mini bi-polar/psycho, seemed to be burned badly as well multiple times, yet bounced back. Yet he began to not only question himself, but pin everything on me. Which makes me question whether guys truly bounce back.
Anyways, the question of this blog is:
who do you think is more damaged or has trouble bouncing back after relationships: males or females and why?
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Comments (21)
it really depends on the relationship.
no one bounces back from heartbreak. bouncing back from a relationship is different. My first relationship meant everything to me, and I was depressed and suicidal when it ended. My next relationship was with a physically and emotionally abusive guy, and it took me almost no time to get over.
I wouldn't generalize and say one sex is better than the other at getting over things- I've seen it go either way. And I don't think it's a helpful state of mind to think of things as one sex v. the other. People are people.
it has nothing to do with the gender, but each individual's past experience with relationships, their personality and the unique relationship that they shared with their once ex.
time
They have done studies on it, it is the men who have the most trouble.
I think saying "Yeah, I wallowed for a month over my heartbreak" is pretty dramatic, considering how some others react. There are people, men and women alike, who don't date for several months to several years after some relationships because the fall out shakes them up so bad. I was in a relationship for just over 3 years, and it took me almost another 2yrs to get into another relationship. I absolutely refused to try to be with anyone while I was at that low point and wish others would do the same more often. You don't have to just get past the pain you felt with that person, you should try to build and better yourself as a person (not as a couple). Or atleast that's how I feel about it.
Like other people said it completely depends. My boyfriend of 6 yrs broke up with me a few months ago and I'm pretty much fine now. But then again I made the choice to learn from that relationship rather then wallow in it. The first week or two was extremely hard though. I couldn't eat or sleep and I got really sick physically and emotionally. After that it took me another month to accept that it was over. Since then I've been trying to look at it as a positive thing and just focus on myself. But recovery like this is easier when you still get along with said ex, at least it makes it easier for me. Cause even if he isn't my boyfriend I still consider him my best friend. I went through a lot with him and practically grew up with him so he isn't one of those boyfriends that I can just stop talking too. I don't plan on looking for anyone else until I am ready and I ultimately want to stay single and not date for quite awhile because it's been a VERY long time since I wasn't in a relationship and I'm in my 20's right now which is the perfect time to reflect and grow on your own so I'm taking advantage of that now.
It depends. Everyone copes with heartbreak in different ways. While females may be more vocal about their pain from a relationship ending, males might just keep it to themselves and try not to dwell on it too much. At least that's how the men that are around me handle it.
Time heals all wounds. It just depends on how you use that time. If you're constantly worrying and being upset over an ex, it will take longer. When my ex (of almost a year) and I broke up, I was hurt, but instead of making myself upset by wondering if I did something wrong, I preoccupied myself with things I loved like: drawing, good movies, friends, making new friends, school, etc.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Do you actually mind sending me the link to those studies? I'm actually not criticizing you at all this actually really interesting to me and I want to know what the scientific or psychological basis/results are of those studies.
@Guteman91 - I believe I originally read it in a Psychology Today article.
Here's some links...
http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/coping_with_a_breakup/index.php
http://blogs.alternet.org/speakeasy/2010/03/18/why-do-men-take-breakups-harder/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1285184/Relationship-break-ups-hit-men-harder-women-researchers-claim.html
http://www.essence.com/2010/06/13/men-more-emotionally-hurt-by-breakup/
http://www.scribd.com/doc/7766941/Breaking-Up-is-Hard-To-Do-Especially-for-Men
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Thanks for posting them! For once I get to read studies on stuff that I'm actually interested in and not homework crap. :)
"I spent a month or so upset..." dude....it's ok. Try being screwed up for a couple of years, then you got something to talk about. I've been there...and I'm here to tell you that you're gonna be ok. Here's my view: if the relationship wasn't that serious, and you miss dating for dating's sake, I think it's best to just move on and just give someone new a shot -- to really try to "bounce back," as you put it.
BUT!!!!
But...when you go through a breakup with someone you really, really loved and thought you couldn't live without...I think it's best to take the opposite approach and take some time off from dating. Shallow people that you may know will whine and nag you to stop "wallowing," but often you truly need the time to grieve, feel your sadness instead of trying to mask it, walk through it instead of running away from it....then, and only then, you'll be ready to start again. But it takes some time. Don't be in any rush or feel pressure to be with "someone," and don't label yourself as having been "damaged" by your ex. After some time, you'll see that your experience has actually made you stronger :)
I don't think one gender has more trouble than another. I think it depends on the person. It took me ages to get over the biggest heartbreak I endured from my ex, and even now I still think of him from time to time.
Girls normally get hurt more.
@God_Is_Digital@xanga - it does take a while, especially with my first heartbreak it took 6 months or so for a 2 month relationship...I tried speeding it up because I didn't want to seem obsessed or weird
I had an similar experience. I dated this guy for a month or so, and when he showed his true colors, I just disliked it. I tried to put up with it because of what I felt for him. When I did confront him with my feelings, he just gave me his coldness. He couldn't put up with me, so why bother right? I left him, but then as time went by, I missed him and I had this urge of wanting him back. But he couldn't care less.
So conclusion comes down to this. Women tends to bounce back a lot more compared to men. We care, we feel, and we love from the bottom of our hearts. Unlike men, most of them never really experienced true love let alone know what it's all about.
-Let it hurt you. Walk away. Smile. Forgive. Forget.
it depends on the situation and the type of people involved in the relationship.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I can't remember where, but I've read this too!
there's no difference. girls break hearts just as much as guys. We all just have different ways to dealing with it. I think what really matters is how long the two were together. I believe it takes half the time we were together to recover. It's a pretty accurate estimation.
I think it depends on the relationship and how it ended. For me, I'm going through a heartbreak right now even though my ex of nearly a year broke up back in July after a very heated argument. We are not civil and we haven't spoken since the incident. I think not having the closure takes a huge toll on me. I see him sometimes in school but every time I do, my mood drastically changes. I'll go from complacent to complete rage. I was even more devastated last week when I found out through a mutual friend that he was seeing another new girl. I wasn't mad because he was seeing someone else. I was angry he never gave me the closure but instead, just moved on heartlessly while I'm still here wondering what if things didn't go down the way they did that night. How can my guard be up and yet he is already found someone else? I'm not sure if I could ever fathom how ruthless he could be. In this case, it's obvious that I certainly have more trouble getting over the heartbreak than he does.
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