Tuesday, 15 November 2011
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The Skinny on Eating Disorders
A while back I wrote a piece on ED (Erectile Dysfunction) and many readers thought the ED pertained to an eating disorder so I thought I would share my experience with an eating disorder and dating.My eating disorder (anorexia and bulimia) began while I was still married. Most people believe that women fall into the eating disorder trap because of men…how we think they want to perceive us, the skinny chick gets all the men and so on. In my case it was a control thing gone awry. My marriage was heading to the septic system, my son was moving out, my business had grown larger than I had anticipated and I had control over none of it. What I could control was what I ate and my weight.
It didn’t take long before this game of “how low can I go?” got out of control. It did become the giant in my life and I did see myself as fat no matter how much weight I lost. I was 5’3 and 79 lbs when I was hospitalized. My (then) husband would say things like, “snap out of it,” and “quit punishing me.” He thought I was trying to kill myself over his numerous affairs which was not the case.
When I left him and entered the dating world I met and moved in with a guy who at first seemed sympathetic to my condition although pity was not what I needed. Soon after we had a bad argument and he said to me, “It’s like fucking a skeleton on a tin roof with you. It’s not rocket science. Put food on fork and insert into your big mouth.” I remember telling him to “get educated.” Not long after that I split.
I did casual dating and most thought my being under weight (90lbs) was sexy and they would say things like “You are a petite little thing” or “I love small women." So I gathered that the way I looked was exceptional and therefore had to maintain that. I didn’t factor in that although the words came out of their mouths, their penis’s were probably telling them what to say. I also recall one prick who was not in the same boat saying after dinner one night, “Men like curves. Dogs like bones so don’t bother contacting me again cause I’m no dog.” Man he was the poster boy for canines!
Then I met the man I am now with and have been for a year and a half. At first he said nothing but as we became more comfortable with one another, we began to talk about my condition. I explained how I had spent a month and a half in the hospital followed by a year of weekly out patient treatment and followed up by doing 2 months as an inpatient in Toronto.
He got educated on the condition. He did not demean me. He did express his concern for my overall well being and told me I could afford to gain weight, that he wouldn’t love me any less. I still battle with the eating disorder (just the anorexia) now and then and realize it will be a life long battle but it’s not nearly as bad as it use to be. Yes I still weigh myself everyday, occasionally look in the mirror and don’t like the person looking back at me but knowing my man loves me, supports my efforts and is willing to help in anyway makes living with this a whole lot easier.
Now some of you may think he is enabling me but on the contrary, he has asked if I need to return to rehab and would support that. We have changed eating habits so that I feel less guilty/ more at ease when I eat. He knows through getting educated himself that nothing he says makes a difference that it’s my mind set that that keeps me running for the scales. Just knowing he loves me for me has kept me from back sliding…I’ve been able to maintain between 94 and 98 lbs. Yes according to doctors it's way below the BMI but with his unconditional love and support, who knows perhaps 100lbs is obtainable.
Have you ever dealt with this issue? Was your partner supportive?
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About the Author
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- From: dreamchaser66
- Name: daydreamer_1966
- Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
- About Me: I'm 25 with 20 years of experience and recently divorced after 25 years. I am now with a wonderful man...a man I wish I had met that 25 years ago :) I have a blog http://bikerboss.blogspot.com and am currently writing a book.
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Comments (25)
Congrats on slowly getting back to a healthy weight. It's not easy overcoming an eating disorder. I don't think he's enabling you...i actually think he's helping you. It's just like telling a fat person that they are fat and disgusting thinking it will motivate them to lose weight....it does exactly the opposite.
When the issue finally came up last May with my boyfriend and I, it was really hard. He couldn't understand and would get very angry with me and told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I felt beyond terrible, torn between trying to feel beautiful for myself but gaining weight to make him be attracted to me again. However, he educated himself on anorexia, and told me he still loved me and supported me. Gradually it has definitely gotten better, although now that we're both working so much and I'm on my own, I think I'm slipping back into it. But I know he's there to help me and tempt me with chocolate.
@Anniep91@xanga - The nasty, hurtful verbal attacks leave imprints in our hearts and minds that (for me) can last a lifetime....like you said, being torn to gain weight to please him, and lose to keep yourself happy can damn near send us to the nut house! It's definately a balancing act! But it sure makes a differenence when we know
we are loved and accepted no matter what. I'm happy you have him in your life to support and tempt you :) Please if you start to feel
it getting out of control seek help...we are worth it!
Congratulations!! I've been through that.. And every once in a while fall back into it. I'm not in a relationship. But I do have a (best?) friend who told me I was doing it for attention. So I know what the feelings are. Or when people say they're going to shove food down my throat. Or that I'm only hurting them, I don't know the risks.. blah blah. I'm glad you found him! :) And I hope you keep on the road to recovery! <3
yes I dealt with it, same sort of triggers as you. I mean I've had ED pretty much my entire life, but tanking marriage, empty nesting, and a whole heap of other situations led to me feeling overwhelmed and helpless and turning to anorexia to gain a sense of control and accomplishment, but like any addiction it takes on a life of it's own.
my ex used it as a last straw thing to end the marriage, refusing to try marital counseling.
i am in recovery. but the stres of my current situation is bringing up the same issues of feeling overwhelmed and powerless, and wanting to attract a new man, and yes, thin is in.
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I dealt with it short term along with loads of other issues, yes.
I'm glad you have found someone to love and support you.I'm sorry for your struggles. I've never dealt with this. When I was younger I weighed about 95 pounds, I am only 5' even so not bad. But I always wanted to weigh a bit more. I got really sick (illness, not eating disorder) and at one point weighed less than 80lbs. This was really difficult for me because I really wanted to weigh more and fit into nicer clothes. I struggled to gain back to 88 lbs and joined the Navy. But to go to boot camp I had to weigh at least 96. I shoved a lot of food into my mouth and finally got up to 106, cut all my hair off and went to boot camp weighing 101. :) Yeah, I lost 5 pounds of hair. lol
However, there is no doubt that the guys like my body when I weigh about 110/115. That is when I got a lot of attention. Men really do like more curves. Women should try to pay more attention to that. It's a shame society still places any emphasis on a woman's weight. Good luck!!
Its a blessing that you found someone who can accept you for who you are flaws and all. I can relate to that... and I must say having support makes life more exciting and bearable to live.
It's so great you have someone so supportive and there for you.
I'm lucky in that sense, too. It can make all the difference.
it is wonderful that you have someone who is so supportive of you, in any situation. i feel the same way about my husband
My SO saved my life. He wouldn't say so, but he did.
My ED (IMO) came from a total lack of love in my life. My parents were never around, they never showed much emotion to me, friends had gone away to college... I hated myself for a long time because of my weight, and because I was socially awkward. I made the resolution on Christmas of '09 to "diet" and it spiraled out of control. I lost 20 pounds in little more than two months. But, the mental anguish of an ED is indescribable. I always likened it to drowning.
My boyfriend came into my life first as a friend, and we started dating when my ED was at it's worst... he was amazing. He never "freaked" out or made a big deal about it. He only offered unconditional support, and he still does. It's the best feeling in the world to have someone like him in my life.
I'm happy you have someone like that as well (:
You are truly lucky <3 I feel the same way. I used to be bulimic and when I was at my worst, I met my boyfriend. I knew that in my mental state I couldn't be with him, so I got better. I eventually told him many many months later and he took it very well and simply listened. Unfortunately, I had a traumatic experience in our relationship (he wasn't unfaithful or abusive or anything like that) and my eating disorder has been bubbling on the surface. I really just eat to make people happy, but even that motivation is slipping from me. In the past year I've lost about 15 pounds, and my boyfriend knows I've been going back to eating disordered habits and is concerned. I'm not as bad as I used to be, and I don't have an ED anymore, but I feel like I am heading down that path again. I wish you so much luck in this because it is such a hard battle, but with love and support it makes it a little easier. <3
I've had an eating disorder for so long, I'm afraid that any one I could ever be with will never understand. I had an ex-boyfriend who caught on silently. One day he asked me upfront if I was bulimic but of course I denied it. I couldn't get better for him, I couldn't even tell any one let alone tell him. We broke up due to the fact that I'm uncontrollably spiralled into my eating disorder and undeniably self-conscious about myself. I'm not sure how any one could possibly try and understand me at this point. You are a lucky woman and I'm very happy for you.
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I am glad you found someone who is supportive. Not being an asshole isn't enabling. Enabling is for example to completely close their eyes before the problem and marginalizing it. I think, if someone would make me make a decision like "my love or your eating disorder" I would pick the one who didn't set me under pressure. In my head it's always another reason. I do what I wanna do, and it is only me who can decide to work against it. If I have someone who supports my healthy decisions, even better though.
Dating when you have an eating disorder is definitely difficult. I was lucky that I never meet a guy who, despite knowing what I looked like, thought telling me that I looked disgusting because of my size would somehow make me get better or change. I never understood men that did that whether they thought the woman they were with were too thin or too fat. If I had meet a guy like that, it would have only encouraged me to get thinner because it meet that my plan was working.
I happened to meet men that were in love with anorexia. I don't mean men that like thinner women, those men are most likely going to be the only men I attract since I'd have to make an effort to be above a size 6. I mean men that would say things like your ribs are supposed to show and your thighs aren't supposed to touch and wanted to keep tabs on what I ate and how much I ate etc. Weirdos.
I didn't and didn't want to date anyone seriously before I meet my husband. I am sure if I would have actually made the effort, my behavior and lashing out because they dared to express concern for my behavior would have driven many men away. It takes a special kind of person to learn how to be patient, understanding, know when to say something and know when to back off without crossing into being an enabler. My husband is very supportive. He was there for me when I was sick, he was there for me when I was getting better, and he is there for me now.
I'm so glad you found someone so supportive. I've always been scared of being with a guy or in a relationship in fear that they would leave me anyways because I was so destructive.
My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago because he couldn't handle my "Multiple personalities.' He said he felt like a polygamist dating me and Ana, which didn't help matters. I am trying to get better, but it's really hard when you don't have support.
That's nice that you've found someone to support you, but I think you are limiting your recovery with your attitudes. "Who knows, perhaps 100 pounds is obtainable"? That's incredibly negative language. 100 pounds most certainly IS obtainable. What it isn't is desirable in a recovery mindset. What psychologist/dietician is telling you to aim for a particular number in weight gain, anyway? I'm assuming you're seeing at least one professional to aid in your recovery. Love and support is fantastic but it won't fix the problem. Also: "Yes, I still weigh myself"... throw your scales away. Smash them. It's brilliantly satisfying, I promise! Then you'll be free of the knowledge of your numbers and you can focus on how you actually feel. That, lovely, is the key to recovery. People who are in recovery cannot get rid of their demons unless they absolutely throw themselves helter-skelter into it. Please don't think I'm attacking you, it's just I've been in your shoes and I'm trying to help. I won't wish you luck with your recovery because you don't need luck - you only need you, and I know YOU can do it.
I've dealt with it as well and my current boyfriend of four years, was very supportive. I think the turning point in our relationship where I realized I needed help was when he was upstairs in the dining room doing something and I told him I was getting a sweater out of the dryer downstairs when really I was going to purge in the bathroom, he walked in on me. Instead of yelling at me he comforted me and told me he'd help me get the help I needed. I was insanely embarrassed and realized that I couldn't keep living my life like that, lying and trying to cover up something that wasn't necessary. I still struggle with the urges, especially since in the last two years I've gained A LOT of weight because of some unfortunate medical problems I'm struggling to get under control, I weigh myself every morning and I'm eating a more balanced diet, and so far, I've lost 20 pounds HEALTHILY since August. :) I'm proud of myself, and he is as well.
I've had some who have been supportive and some that havent.
The ones that are not supportive use it as an excuse as to why things are not working or as a way to put you down.
I've had an eating disorder most of my life and its part of who I am at the moment if they cant deal with it then thats their problem.
From personal experience, eating disorders can also be initiated because of parents who control child.
It helps when you have an SO who has suffered similar problems because then they can be more empathetic than someone who has never experienced anything of the sort. My fiance and I both have OCD (although our obsessions and compulsions are over entirely different things), so he can understand it when that urge for control takes over. People who have experienced addictions can also relate. I've dated people before who have absolutely no concept of an addiction or a compulsion, and while they weren't rude assholes, it was just hard for them to understand.
I've never had an eating disorder, however when I was younger, my metabolism was very high and kids in junior high/high school used to call me "Anorexia" because I was 5ft 9 and about 95 lbs. I was SKINNY but I used to eat 5 healthy meals throughout the day. I just burned it all off. It didn't help the "let's keep the appetite strong" because bullies and assholes would follow me around and say all sorts of crap to me. I think those guys should have been educated in what was an eating disorder vs an Asian girl with a super high metabolism.
Anyway, I'm glad you're finding your way to heal yourself with the support of your SO. I think 100 lbs is definitely obtainable and it's baby steps /goals that will help you climb the "good weight". I've finally reached my "normal" weight for a 5ft 10 woman...I've been trying to maintain it than obsess about my "problem" zones.