Monday, 14 November 2011
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How Much of Ourselves Should We Change for Our 'Better Half'?
When you first meet that special someone, all you can see is their goodness. You can’t help but smile when you see him, hear him, or even just at the thought of him. All the wonderful characteristics and qualities you built up over the years and stored in your ‘what my man must be like’ list just disappear or you become so blinded by love and somehow see that this new man fills everything you ever wanted. What you wanted in a man if you are like many of the other millions of women is a man who you can be 100 percent yourself with but at the same time, a man who makes you a better person. Isn’t that why we refer to our significant others to be our better half? Because with them, you two should be a dynamic team, each others’ confidant who positively lift each other higher and into a better individual.
When the earlier, honey moon phase starts ending and you get into that comfortable stage, you finally start noticing the bad, how have you never noticed before? You ask yourself. His short temper, his laziness, how he shakes his leg all the time, how he never does this or that and all of his bad habits. Has he always been like this? Have you just been ignoring it and giving him the exception? Everything that’s always been him slowly starts showing—whether or not he has been only showing his ‘good’ side to impress you, or whether you just chose to ignore it because you were so caught up in new love— but you just now notice all the things about him that bother you. And you need him to change. And vice versa. Because the relationship has become serious, it is no more a 2 week dating fling or a simple summer romance.
But what happens when he says it’s just who he is? That all his negative traits, his bad habits, everything that annoys you, is who he is? Everyone has to have bad traits, right? But no, you think if he loved you he should try to change, for you—because that certain thing(s) makes you unhappy. I’ve noticed a very thematic problem amongst my 20-something year old network of (majority Korean) friends that seem to be one of the root problems in the relationship: weed.
You recall that innocent and naïve ‘what my man must be like’ list you made back in your freshman year of high school and you wonder how it is you have let yourself down by dating this man, who smokes. Because you absolutely without a doubt love him with all your heart. But you wonder if giving him the exception to the ‘not a smoker’ rule on your list is lowering your standards. And you start to wonder if this pattern will only continue until one day you are left with no expectations, standards, preferences of what you want in your man, to the point of what equates to desperation.
Not only that, this is the guy you love and you don’t want him to think you’re trying to change who he is but at the same time because you love him, you also genuinely do not want him to smoke for his good. It’s a back and forth battle between your own self as well as with him. You see yourself fighting with him again and again over the same problem whatever it may be. And you also see yourself contemplating endless within yourself. Do I let it go? Do I break up with him if he keeps disappointing me? Lying to me? This is of course applicable the other way around. There are probably things in you that your better half also does not like and wish you would change.
But I’ve realized that you cannot change a man (or woman). Maybe temporary—weeks, months, maybe even a few years. But you are who you are until you take your own initiative. You cannot change a man, he has to change for himself, when he wants to on his own accord. You may with all your heart truly want to change for your lover, but it has to be for you first. Otherwise it’s just not genuine.
So then, where do we draw the line in expecting our other significant other to change for us? How much of ourselves should we all change for our better half?
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- From: DoRi_dOrI@xanga
- About Me: I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow i am still in love with life. - Voltaire
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Comments (21)
You simply don't change anything for "your better" half... that person has to understand who they are and what bad habits and traits they have and change for the betterment of themselves. Changing yourself for someone else is not good. If you are just changing yourself or trying to change your SO because you want him/her to change... then it means nothing and the changes may not be permanent. If you guys break up who is to say you won't revert back to old behavior and habits or get ten times worse... The change has to come from within the person needing to change and they have to make that decision for themselves because it is better for them, and while it may also benefit you, it has to be for them not you. You fell in love with your better half for a reason and while you may want things for them, like better health, to let go of crutches (like smoking because it will be better for them), broaden their education, change their wardbrobe, etc, etc, etc... that is not fair because you, yourself, may have some bad habits you need to change. If you are demanding your SO to change then there is some soul searching that needs to be done by the person demanding the changes as well.
Now I think that if your SO is a raving alcoholic, abusive, degrading and etc then there are necessary changes that need to be made and councelling needs to happen if not leaving immediately before something extremely bad happens for safety sake.
So when you say "But I’ve realized that you cannot change a man (or woman). Maybe temporary—weeks, months, maybe even a few years. But you are who you are until you take your own initiative. You cannot change a man, he has to change for himself, when he wants to on his own accord. You may with all your heart truly want to change for your lover, but it has to be for you first. Otherwise it’s just not genuine."
I completely agree. Now compromising and communication are the basis to start trying to make changes happen, but the want in both people has to be there in order for any changes to take place. If the relationship is becoming unbearable for one person then necessary changes need to be made, like leaving if communication and compromise are not working. Continued bad behavior will do nothing but worsen the relationship and if the other person with said bad behavior or habits will not listen to your worries and communicate with you about them, then I think the relationship is not for you.
My SO has a bad habit and with that habit he just had life changing lesson taught to him as he has never had to really think about his bad habit. He knew he needed to get rid of it and make the step necessary to change, but nothing short of having a major problem arise for himself and then in retro-spect, for me, he has now decided to change that habit. I have never had a problem with it an dwould not make him change for the world, but it has now become blaring obvious to him that this is a problem that needs to change, so we can want for our SO's to change but actually demanding it... can make a bigger issue and until they figure out they need to do it for themselves there is not much anyone can do to change their SO's. All we can do is give them the example by living the lifestyles we are trying to get them to understand, such has healthy eating, not smoking "weed" or anything else, exercising... and go from there.
Don't ever expect someone to change for you... if they do decide to change, hope it is for the betterment of themselves, otherwise it is probably not a real change and just a temporary fix for now.
@malissa1578@xanga - This comment is the winner. Seriously. Conversation done.
I like to think that changing for your SO is unhealthy, but in my current relationship change happens because he helps me grow. He has showed me so much, of what I want in life. He makes me question things I have never questioned before, think for myself, learned to be stronger, etc. Who knows, I find that being the same can be boring. I like change.
@LivingLife4Eva@xanga - See I don't see you changing for SO, while he makes you think and has maybe initiated them or threw down a challenge for you to respect, ultimately you made them for yourself. Not because he made you make them. There is a major difference. don't make changes because someone makes you, make them because something they said to you made you see something for yourself, which i think is what you did. He said something and you thought about it and thought that it would be good for yourself to make those changes, hence you made them for yourself and in turn they benefitted your SO. :)
Changing for someone else is really unhealthy. You need to change for YOU, else you'll never be happy.
You don't. If your "better half" can't accept you as you are, it's time to kick that "better half" to the curb and find someone else.
I don't change for anyone. What you see is what you get and if you don't like it I'd rather you not waste your time because you'd also be wasting my time.
Honestly, I don't attempt to change someone. When I meet someone, I make sure they have the important traits I NEED. Then you deal with the traits that you don't like but can handle. I'm not perfect so I don't expect my guy to be perfect at that.
Some bad traits are just bad habits, which can be changed over time. But in order for that change to happen, the person with the bad habits must realize for themselves their bad habits and be willing to change. A person cannot be forced against their will to change.
this is EXACTLY my problem right now with my relationship. but i left. it was taking too much out of me. and you are right. i couldnt make him change. the smoking or drug habit. HE has to make that descision. and he didnt. so i had to leave it was unhealthy for me. gotta do whats best for YOU.
i still love the guy so so much. but i have to love MYSELF too.
hm
I found out the hard way through a broken engagement from hell that you can't change people, and you shouldn't try. You can support them if there are bad habits that need to be broken, but that's it. You can only support. You can't change, and poke, and prod to make them be the person you want them to be. They're them, like you're you, and I'm sure you wouldn't want someone telling you what about yourself needs to be fixed or added or changed, right?
He was who he was long before he met you, so just realize that and accept it. If it's something you absolutely can't move past, a total deal breaker, then it's honestly easier to move on earlier rather than wait around, getting more attached, and realize it's not going away....only one thing... ...everything...
he doesn't have to change for me, and neither should I for him, but I tend to be drawn to guys, who have a go-getter mentality and continously self improve themselves to be better, because that's who they already are. so I only date guys, who I think are already awesome before I met him
Overall people should change for themselves, but there is a certain give and take. It's okay to want to change for the better for your loved one. Anything that makes us want to be a better person is a good thing. And change is natural if you both want to make each other happy.
With the guys I've hung out with or dated, I always found myself trying to change into whatever they wanted me to be, and that made me miserable. I've sworn that I am not going to do that again--if you can't accept the fact that I still love to color with crayons or that I'm a big "Titanic" and "Harry Potter" freak, or that I can't stand rap, then I don't need you in my life. It's that simple.
i didn't even read the blog i only read your description...do you speak korean?? :)
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You cannot expect another person to change for you. You either love them as they are or you move on. Good luck!
I'm just "leaving" the honeymoon phase you talked about with my girlfriend (4 months) and what you say for men goes the same for men when it comes to women. You do notice those things about someone that you didn't see at first, that weren't a problem early on...but become one when you get in the full swing of a busy life.
But they're not deal breakers in any way. Part of a relationship is about learning how to be 'independent with somebody' after being your own 'independent self' for so long. But also, its about working through any discomforts and challenges that come. For me, my girlfriend is the very independent type who doesn't always talk about how she feels about me and our relationship, but I know she cares about me and I know she's there for me when I really need her. I'm the vocal, verbal one in ours and that can be hard at times...but I also know that my wanting to spend time with her in spite of both of our busy graduate school schedules also has its issues.
That said, even in the challenging times when you wonder "why am I dating this person?" remember that there are good things and good qualities, and a few personality quirks are part of the entire package that you see...besides, you might even fall for or develop a few of theirs yourself :P
If the guy won't change for you then don't change him.
Leave.
♥
@dead_poetic009xx@xanga - I do.