Sunday, 13 November 2011
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Run Away or Run To?
Okay so I would ask my friends and family but they're too close to the subject to ask #advice. Here's the situation:
My #exboyfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago after dating for a year. I honestly loved and still do love that boy with all my heart. Our relationship was to say the least rocky. We took 2 or 3 "breaks," which lasted a week and ended with us always being together. However, as our relationship progressed it became more sore and it didn't help that I attended college an hour away so we only saw each other on the weekends. I was complete absorbed in our relationship.
I neglected my friends and my family. I only spent time with our mutual friends, him, and his family. He became emotionally abusive after awhile. He would make comments just to hurt me, and it worked every time. On two separate occassions he got violent with me. The first time he pushed me on the ground, and the second time he hit me and threw me into a wall. All instances of course happened when he was blackout drunk.
Finally, I told him I was no longer happy and something needed to change, which he agreed. Two days later on my birthday he was yelling at me in front of our friends while we were out celebrating. That night I packed my bags and haven't seen him since. I blocked his number and blocked him from all social networks. However, he has been emailing me recently. He told me how he finally realized his issues and can accept the fact that he was completely wrong. He says he'd do anything if I gave him another chance. I talked to his mom last week and she pretty much said the same thing.
My #dilemma is:
WHAT THE HECK DO I DO? I still love him and I miss him and his family like crazy. Yet at the same time, he messed up BIG time and how many chances does someone really deserve? Has he REALLY changed? Is it even possible for someone to change after only 4 months? (Which in those 4 months he finished school and got his dream job.) And I know my friends and family will be so mad at me, so would it even work out this time around?
I just have no idea what to do. I'm torn between my mind and my heart...I need some advice!
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!
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- From: dazed_and_confuzed
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Comments (41)
You said he was emotionally abusive. Period. Don't you dare go back to him.
Don't. He can't be trusted. There is probably another good guy out there for you. Don't let 1 ruin it all.
Not enough to go on, you have to figure it out for yourself.
He was emotionally and physically abusive to you. And you mentioned he did this while being drunk. You did the right thing by staying away. Going back to him would be a big mistake.
This sounds like my ex. He was emotionally abusive, said hurtful things to me all the time for no good reason, and he only made an effort to change when he got scared I was going to leave him for another guy who was interested in me, and I confessed I had feelings for him. The "change" lasted maybe three months, and then once he started to feel confident that I wasn't going to leave he started being an ass again. So I did indeed leave him for the other guy, it's been three years and I've never looked back. I think you should move on, people like him are not very likely to truly change.
People do change for the better. It's up to you.
Yeah well my ex said the same thing to me every time I left him. I spent 3 initially happy months together with him before the abuse started. I prayed for 3 years for him to change. He never did.
"I've changed, I feel so sorry for what I did. Please give me another chance."
I want to vomit every time I remember how many dozens of times he said that.
At least now I don't take shit anymore from guys. If they EVER mess things up with me the same way, more than once, they're getting kicked to the curb.
sometimes love isn't enough. your life is at stake here. I wouldn't go back to a violent drunk, who is also emotionally abusive. he ruined your birthday. he only realized he was wrong when you blocked him and he was about to lose you. I personally know people, who were physically abused in their relationship, so I don't tolerate it and will leave if he is violent with me just once. I can't be in a relationship where I don't feel safe and can't trust him. I'd say run.
I would make him get help. I dont know if he has an alcohol problem and needs AA meetings or something. Maybe he just needs anger management. Until he did those I woul stay away until he proves he is serious about being with you and changing the way things were.
Don't do it. Don't you dare. He didn't listen to you before when you were together, and now he's sad because you left. But, he'll fall back into it if you come back again, I can almost guarantee that. Abusers don't often change, and believe me, I've been there.
This is a really tough situation, and if I was in your shoes, I would probably be torn between my head and my heart - my head saying "Don't do it! He'll never change. Look at all the crap he put you through in the first place!" and my heart saying "But there were good times, and people do change."
Because you're torn, I feel like you're leaning more to your heart (but of course I may be wrong). Maybe you can just start off small and email him, become his friend, have lunch dates with him and friends before you begin a relationship again. Don't be alone with him for awhile, and do make sure that he does not drink. Hopefully he has stopped drinking and becoming super drunk. And from there, you can see what you feel. Maybe you won't want to be with him anymore or you will find that he has changed.
Perhaps I'm too overly romantic, but I do believe in second changes. Yet he has emotionally abused you, which is something that is really hard to recover from. I'm being wishy washy because I don't know what you're thinking, but make sure to be careful and at any signs of emotional abuse, drop him and turn away.
I'm going agaist what most have said here. Abusive men can change if they are willing to under go extensive counciling, anger management, total pshyc evaluation etc. If he is willing to go to these lengths and you start off (after all that has been done) very, very slow...then perhaps being together in a healthy relationship is possible. Having said that, should he decide you're worth all the work and you decide to try again...RUN at the first sign of abuse!
Unless he takes some anger managment classes or does something proactive like that to work on his anger problem, he won't change.
Honestly, why are you even considering this? Yeah, yeah i know you "love" him, miss him, ect., ect, but the dmagae has been done, and you need to have enough respect and strength for yourself to exit the situation, move on, and find somone who is better for you and to you. Yes, i know people can change, but that is a long and difficult process, and one in which should not be your problem. He needs help, and as much as you would like to be, you are not the one who can help him. Right now your only purpose to him is a crutch.
emotionally and physically abusive? think about that...
People can definitely change for the better, sure. Is it likely he completely changed his way of thinking, impulse control, and issues with alcohol in four months? No.
Generally when people are abusive, especially physically, they will over-apologize, self-deprecate, and claim they've changed - then do the same thing and repeat the cycle. It's pure manipulation. Don't buy into it. It can take months to get over someone you love, but the alternative is likely spending years on and off with someone who doesn't respect you enough to not harm you on purpose. Not worth it.
They dont change. Dont go back girl. Ive been through emotional and physical abuse both and no matter how much they say they've changed things usually revert back to the way they used to be.
Here was my advice to my cousin going throught he same thing. If you had a little sister and she was going through this would you want her with a guy that has done those things to her and what would you tell her. If he hit her and called her names and yelled at her would you want them together. And this was in the first year of dating thats insane you should be in the honeymoon stage and you cant go back just for the family because you arent WITH them. I bet you'd hate the guy if he was with a little sister.
My sister is in a similar situation, kinda. She left her husband (they've been together like 12-13 yrs) in late August and stayed with me, my boyfriend, and my daughter for a little over a month. The day she came down she was terrified for her safety. She grabbed her daughter and fled that morning while he was at work. Within 1 week he managed to get his hooks back in her. They originally lived an hour away but have since moved to the same town as me and the rest of our family. He claims to have changed, my sister tells me all about what a good boy he's being. In reality he's doing all sorts of shit behind her back, how do I know? He brags to my bf who in turn will tell me(I'm sure there's stuff he doesn't mention though), I tell my sister what I hear about but she turns a blind eye. She has decided to stay with him because she loves him, she expects the family to welcome him with open arms but honestly I can't. Not after all the shit he put her through. He raped her while she slept (she woke up during), he's threatened to kill her when my niece was a baby, and the list goes on. The only way I could ever maybe sorta kinda consider being somewhat ok with him is if he went to AA, NA, and some SERIOUS therapy/counseling with a good psychologist/psychiatrist. He refuses to do that though and would rather sit at home playing video games collecting unemployment instead of supporting his family. So with all that being said I say RUN! Run away and never look back. Just saying he is willing to change doesn't prove shit, my sister's husband has said he will change and do whatever it takes, and yet he's still doing really stupid shit and NOT changing. Go figure. You're better off without him.
Don't do it. Don't go back. He physically hit you. No man should ever lay hands on their woman like that. Whatever you do, it is best to stay away from the situation. It doesn't seem possible to change from a drunk that beats their gf to a sober non-abusive guy in the time span of 4 months. I'm pretty sure it would take longer than that. Either way, don't go back or else he could hurt you worse. It's for your well-being.
Do not go back to him. I was in the EXACT situation for the past three years, and my divorce will be finalized tomorrow. It goes without saying that I ran as fast and as far as I could just to get away from my ex. He begged, cried, sent roses, and contacted every person in my family to try and get me back. He claimed he would "change," but I knew it was only because I left him.
He would call me names, purposely say certain things just to get a rise out of me, and ALWAYS had to be with me. I was in constant contact with him, and he always had to know where I was or who I was with. (And this was happening before we got married. Shit spiraled out of control after we said 'I do,' and he showed his true colors. I never thought he could get any worse, but he really proved it was possible.)Let go of him now before any other damage can be done. If things were rocky throughout your relationship, then what would make you think that it would be different this time around? Once an abuser, always an abuser. My ex was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. I ask myself everyday why I was dumb enough to stay with him as long as I did, but the important thing is that I got out before he could do anything worse.If there's one thing I learned from my experience, it's that there are PLENTY of people in the world. If a guy can't treat me with respect and has a serious personality flaw, then I won't waste my time on him. No guy is worth getting hurt, and the right guy would never dream of hurting you.do not go back to him. he was abusing you, and you were lucky enough to get out of it.
why on earth would you go BACK?
...just stay...
No. If he thinks he can still be with a girl after doing that sort of thing he will continue to have abusive tendencies whether it's with your or another girl.
You already know what you should do, you just don't want to do it.
Abuse is abuse. Do not even consider a life with this person. Make a clean break.
If he really has changed, then he should have no problem agreeing to seek anger management and relationship counseling. You can go together. That's the only way he can really change. If he doesn't agree, you know for a fact he hasn't changed at all. If he really understands what he did, and his problem, he will know that seeking help is the only way to stop the violence and emotional abuse. If he isn't willing to put the work into changing, than you must assume he only THINKS he has changed.