Friday, 11 November 2011
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Is It Fate?
Alright guys, I've been dating this guy, CJ, for about two years (off and on). We met during my senior year of high school, working at the same job. Everything was going well, until I graduated high school. The first time we broke up, he broke up with me. The second time, I broke up with him. We haven't been dating (let alone talking) for about 4 1/2 months now. Recently, I've found myself pretty baffled at my situation.The first time we broke up, he claimed that we didn't see each other enough. Which, I might add, was very much true. He had just gotten knee surgery and my time was pretty much spent focusing on graduating high school. I didn't have a license due to being busy with work and school, and he didn't have one because he lost it to a DUI. The only time we saw each other was at work or after work on weekends. We break up and about a month passes by, no phone call, no texts. I finally hear from him while I was at work. He decided to call me, knowing my schedule, while I was at work to see if I'd pick up.
Well, I did. The first words out of my mouth were "what do you want?!" He stated that he missed me and wanted to see how I was. (Note: About an hour before he called me, I had been up on the catwalk upstairs at work looking for one of my tables when something inside me screamed "turn around." There I found his name tag on the ground. I picked it up and kept it with me. He also hadn't been working at the store for over 3 1/2 months). After the phone call, the next time I heard from him was about a month later, the day before his birthday (August 17th).
I had been up at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center the majority of the day due to a 103.5 fever. After my fever broke and they discharged me from the hospital, my mother and I decided to go to Walmart to shop. He calls me and asks me to come over for his birthday. I told him I'd try. But I never got the chance because my fever had come back. We didn't talk for about 3 more months.
Late November came around and I was just ending my first semester at the community college. It was early evening when my phone rang. The caller ID said Clifford God forbid I changed his name in my phone. I picked up and once again said "what do you want." He's like "are you home?" And I'm like "uh yeah, you don't know where I live now though" (I'd moved). He's like, "you don't live on ____ street anymore?" "Nope." I gave him directions to my new house and he stopped by. (I had no idea he'd gotten his license back.)
I went outside and he gave me the biggest hug. We started talking and everything went back to normal. I was laughing, smiling, and just happy like I used to be when I was with him. He asked me to dinner, I accepted. Early December we were back together.
By March however, things went right back to where they once were: crappy. CJ had been drinking heavily and partying a lot. It was St. Patty's day and we decided we were going to head out to a party at our friends Steve and Alli's house. We get there and everything was fine at first, until CJ got blacked out drunk. Him and his former roommate got into a fight and CJ went psychotic. His car had died so he went to the garage and punched out his window right in front of my face.
I was on the floor bawling my eyes out and steve rushes over to the garage, chokes CJ against the wall and pointed to me and said "Do you see that?! Your girlfriend is on the floor crying because you scared her so badly!" He quickly sobered up after that, begging for my forgiveness. I foolishly decided to forgive him.
By late July, things had gotten so bad between us, that I'd contemplated on even being with him anymore, no matter how much I loved him. He had been between jobs, living in a tent at his cousins house, and I supplied most of his stuff (tent, bed, food). I'd spent so much money on him (close to 2 grand) over the course of us being together. I couldn't take it anymore so I called it quits. Didn't give him much of an explanation at all and left it at that.
September 11th rolls around, I was taking a nap. I wake up some hours later, and I had received a text message from him saying "I want to talk to you about us." He said he was leaving for college (yeah not anymore btw) and wanted to talk. I said okay and once again, gave him the benefit of the doubt. He made every excuse not to see me. Finally, I was coming back into town from my class and I called him. He freaked out at me, I hung up on him. Deciding I wasn't done, I texted him nasty, mean text messages.
I saw him a couple minutes later buying beer and screamed "go get cirrhosis of the liver and kill yourself." It is now November again and I was staying overtime at work, and my boss is like "I really need you to go stock those fantini rolls before you leave." I was in a rush to leave and finally agreed. I was stocking the rolls in front of the Deli Department and I flipped over one of the trays and it said "Clifford."
I didn't think anything of it and later on that night guess who calls: CJ. What the hell, right? He asked me to come over to hang out. I did. Everything once again seems fine. I told myself I was over him. But come to find out, I'm really not. This time he's doing better for himself. He has a place to live, he has a full time job again, and he's a manager. I couldn't be more proud. I don't know whether to go back to him or not.
Advice?
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- From: RideOrDieSurfer@xanga
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Comments (22)
Take it or leave it, you are young and always want to give the benefit of the doubt to the person you love... but seriously haven't you been "hit" with crap from this guy enough already? Unless he has gone through some sort of councelling or therapy for whatever issues plague him... it will end up being the same repeat pattern. I have been there done that, and unless some massive changes are made and hopefully some councelling a person doesn't change like that. Before you jump back in and go through all the BS you need to sitdown and think about you and what is good for you and college and work and well just your safety, mental health, and physical wellbeing. He sounds one stone shy of being physically abusive at some point. And let me tell you it doesn't feel good to be hurt like that.
But if you think that this is love by all means jump back in full tilt. Some people take a lot more to learn from and you are not just taking the hard road, this might be something more dangerous... Infatuation can sure seem like love and you tend to put blinders on and put your head down to the signs. I hope for your sake he has really changed... because even if you get all this advice from whomever is on here it doesn't mean you will listen as you have your own mind and it sounds like you are falling back into the same repeat pattern you were already in...
Good luck.
O.o I think you should look for some professional help, You're too young and have your whole life ahead so why wasted forcing a relationship with someone that seems to be very unstable, drunken and violent?
This is for you to decide, but does he seem better? You love him, that's what really counts. I think you should, but take it slow.
Uhhh, I generally wouldn't recommend dating someone you're comfortable telling to kill themselves. I also wouldn't date anyone who told me to kill myself, or sent me nasty text messages. If I found myself exhibiting these behaviors, I'd take time to work on myself until I could relate to someone in a healthy manner. Maybe I'm weird like that.
i hate situations like this. if there's one thing i learned, toxic relationships aren't good for anyone. when there's never anything constant, it's not worth it. but it's your decision, you need to make a decision on what you want to do and what will be good for you.
I'd wait. Give it a few months. You guys have history and if he wants to get back with you when you want to then he will. When you run back when things seem fine enables him to revert back to how he was. So If i were you i'd stick it out and see if he's actually sticking true to his words. He does need professional help like AA.
It is possible for people to change, which is evident with your guy. I can't really tell you what to do. But evaluate how you feel about him: do you truly love and care for this guy? If you do decide to give it another shot, take it slow. Good luck!
Gaah too much to read D:
but i saw CJ which is what people call me at school (:Fashion Accessories
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From personal experience I say leave. I have never seen an off/on relationship turn into a steady long term-relationship, and isn't that ultimately what you want? No one likes to be thrown around with their emotions.
I was once in an off/on relationship and I let it continue for so long because I thought I accepted what we had. Truth is deep down I wanted a true relationship, one that didn't cause so much heartbreak.
I think you'll end up giving him another chance (it's so easy for us to rationalize for the ones we "love), but I do truly wish you luck in it. It's a tough spot to be in.
I don't believe in fate, so I don't do things that make me unhappy in the name of fate. Why put yourself through hell over this guy just because of a few silly coincidences? Do yourself a favor a move on.
ultimately you're going to have to make up your mind, regardless of what we tell you this is YOUR life and you have to figure out how you want this story to end up .
Thanks guys. Well, here's an update:
He asked me to talk last Saturday, so I went to his house. We talked for hours about why I left, how he treated me, and what went wrong in our relationship. I think I finally got through to him and he's trying his best to change for the better. Which, IMO, is wonderful. I'm taking things EXTREMELY slow with him. While yes, I do understand that they are silly coincidences, I believe in fate. We met at a VERY bad time in his life. I watched him go down a bad, bad path and I've been the only one to balance him out. So, wish me luck. Here goes round three.
@sixleafclover@xanga - While yes, I did tell him to kill himself, we talked about that night. It was a situation that completely could have been avoided if we both knew how to shut up. We both stopped talking to each other for awhile, but somehow, nothing we say to each other goes straight to the heart. We say things we don't mean, and we know that.
@RideOrDieSurfer@xanga - I think it's good you're giving him another chance. I think it shows him that since you can give him a 3rd chance, he has more chances with other things too.
Good luck! :D
@haigara@xanga - He knows that if he messes up this time, I wont go back. And thanks for wishing me luck. I'll need it. (:
If you don't like a man the way he is then don't feckin' be with him. Christ's balls, woman. Trying to change a man into some image you've got in your head of what you want is bloody despicable.
I am man, and I have spoken on this issue.
@IAmManIHaveSpoken@xanga - Did I say once that I wanted to change him? Nope. Try again. He's trying to change on his own now, thanks.
@RideOrDieSurfer@xanga - People can change, and I hope he becomes a good example of that (:
Women who say "men never change" are literally delusional.
Mine story was like yours. forgive him, gets better for a while then bad again and repeat. Still together? nope, I can't go through it again. I am doing SOOO much better, I wished I left him earlier before lol
Left him. For the last time. He claimed to change. The only thing different is that he has a roof over his head. That's it. He's still the same alcoholic whose temper still hasn't simmered. Told him flat out that I was done. He hasn't talked to me since. Oh well.