Thursday, 10 November 2011
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Who's Your Daddy?
Yes, I admit the title was a bit misconceiving. Anyways, I have come to you all for some input on my situation.I met a guy. We get along, he seems like a pretty stand up guy, in school part time and working full time and we have a few things in common. Well the first day we met (which was at a club), he insisted on taking me out. I never agreed (since we were at a club) but gave him my number. We spoke for a bit through text and then didn't hear from him for a few days so I deleted his number off my phone. After a few days he messaged me and we got to talking again through texts. Turns out he has a child. That's where my jaw dropped, hit the table and broke a hole through it. I'm 22 and he's 26.
He asked me out on a date. I'm thinking if this is just for dating; the fact he has a child shouldn't be an issue right? He seems like a good guy and as awful as it sounds, if he wasn't a father I'd hope to pursue a relationship with him and see where that leads. But there’s a kid in the picture, and well it’s nothing serious and just enjoying each other's company (not in a sexual manner). And well, As I write this post I’m wearing bright blue pjs with colourful polka dots and a Spongebob shirt, don’t think I am THAT mature and ready for a relationship where my SO has a child.
And for some reason I seem to be freaking out at what my friends would think. I shouldn't give a crap what others think but why does it bug me? For all I know I can be flipping out at this unique situation for no reason. Maybe he wants nothing serious either but to have a good time.
Disclaimer: Yes I realize I have a tendency to overanalyze and think way into things. Your input is much appreciated!
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- From: scribbles
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Comments (31)
DEXTER!
em, right, the post. if it's an issue for you and you're really into him, let him know what you're feeling. but, if you've just met, like the post indicated, maybe it's not even worth it. either way, keep babydaddy in the loop because it would just be rude to disappear with no explanation as he's clearly interested in you enough to take you out.
i don't know. i love children. i've dated young fathers and it's never been an issue for me. so take my advice with a grain of salt, i suppose.
You might be overreacting at the offer of a date and he has a child. (Trust me, I am probably a lot like you, I tend to overanalyze things as well, and have been known to overreact to certain situations.) It is unknown whether or not that a relationship will result from this date. But, it does sound like he's not looking for something serious, or just extremely forthcoming and honest. I know that most people who are dating but have children, they are not quick to tell their prospective dates about them until a little later because it is often a deal breaker. I do understand where you are coming from, especially since you feel you are not ready for that kind of relationship, where children are involved. I say, give it a chance, go on a date. You are allowed to say no to anything you're not comfortable with but you never know what might happen! Best wishes.
From what I've seen, it's not a good idea to get involved with people when they already have children. The only exception I can think of is if you were looking for marriage. That doesn't mean you can't be his friend, though.
Well, for one thing, if you're not that into him and thinking of it only as potential fun, don't waste his time. He's asked you for an actual date, that means he's interested in you romantically.
The thing with kids is that you have to consider the situation. Did his wife die? Is he a deadbeat dad? High school pregnancy? Find that out. And consider that you will have to accept that his child, who is not your child, will always and should always be an important part of his life. And that child's mother will probably also be in the picture some way or another... not always pleasant. So. If you're not digging him much, I wouldn't get involved in that situation.
People who have children don't, er... well, shouldn't waste their time on "nothing serious".
That being said, he asked you on a date. He's not inviting you to meet the family. I would hold off meeting the child, (but honestly he should take that responsibility for you) until I knew if the relationship was going somewhere.
Well, you don't have to meet his child...you can date, have fun and have a relationship without getting his kid involved (and, in my opinion, that's how it should be until you guys see a solid future together anyway). You can always bring him back to your place or just go to his when the child is elsewhere for a while until you're both comfortable with the idea of introducing his child into the equation.
I'd say date other people unless you want to be exclusive with him. Not that a child is an ultimate deal-breaker, but if you can find someone without kids then you don't have the drama. And there will be drama with kids no matter what.
@written_conversations@xanga -lol. Steve Harvey says people should meet the children right away because if someone doesn't interact with the children very well, then they shouldn't consider dating that person at all.
I'd try going on a date with him. My mom avoided going on dates with my dad because he was going through a divorce and had 3 sons. Their mutual friends tricked them and they have been in love ever since, which means I'm alive!
Anyways if you think there is a connection, give it a try.
@mycontinuity@xanga - lol. really? I think that's a bad idea...you can't have a child get attached to someone only to have them taken away because the relationship has turned out to be a disaster.
if you can't get over it, then don't date him.
I personally wouldn't date a guy with a kid unless his kid was already grown up and doesn't need him there to babysit. small children just get on my nerves. unless it was my kid and I'm biased, then I wouldn't want to put up with another person's child. I have other priorities.
DEXTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really have nothing else to say, haha (:
um, I hate people, so this isn'ta good one for me.
Dexter!!!!! ;3
you know what, if you can't see passed the fact that he's got a kid then you don't see passed that and move on to the next guy. it's not that hard. i don't think you're overreacting bc i'm the same way. i rather not date men who have children.
@carydeeluxe@xanga - dammit, you beat me to it lol. well screw it i wanna say it too. DEXTER!!!!
I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 25 with a 5 year old daughter. Initially, I was worried about dating someone with a kid...but after a year and a half, I couldn't imagine life any different. If you like this guy, don't let the fact that he has a child ruin any potential. There are important things to consider though, like if he has custody or part custody of his child, or if not, how come? You don't want to get involved with someone who has a child but isn't part of their lives.
I'm not really sure what to say other than just try it out. My boyfriend is the most amazing man I know, and I doubt I would love him as much if he wasn't the incredible father that he is.I'd say you're getting too hung up on the kid situation and putting too much pressure on yourself...the only reason you'd want to cut and run now is if you are absolutely, 100% sure you want nothing to do with children your whole life. If that question is still up in the air, I would say go for it...but communicate with him. If you want to date and see where it goes before you meet the kid, that's probably fine (or beyond fine; it might be what he insists on). Even when you do meet the kid, you are NOT going to be his/her mother. You'll be daddy's fun girlfriend that spoils the kid rotten; so the spongebob shirt will totally go over well :) [i.e. the maturity you need to date someone with a kid is to understand that you are NOT the only relationship and commitment in their life, and that they do have a history, and to accept that. You don't need to be ready to be a parent at this point.]
I'm 23 and I would date someone with a kid without a second thought. But I guess that might just be me.
@written_conversations@xanga - Wouldn't it be worse to fall in love with someone and then introduce the child and see that they can't get along at all? Then all that time would have been wasted.
Either way, dating with kids is hard and there are no right answers.
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You can't be with him if you can't take the kid along, too.
My sister has a 4yr old, soon to be five, and my sister's only, what? 24, I think.
She's no longer with the father, thank God! But she is with someone. I think she was lucky to find someone who loves being with her and her daughter.
But seriously, don't play games or waste his time. I know my sister has talked about breaking up with her current SO if he didn't start getting really committed. Like, living together.
But they've been together for... Two years? So that's the difference.
If you can't see yourself being able to be with him and his Kid as a future-family, then don't even start the relationship. He wants a chance at love and someone he can share his life with along with his kid.
If he didn't, well, think he would've told you about his kid? Or ask you on a real date, rather than just try for a one-nighter or something?
you're just not ready for that kind of situation. I understand. My best friend was the same way. She really liked this guy but he had two kids... She wasn't ready to deal with all that just yet. She told him how she felt and they still remain friends with no hard feelings.
Sometimes people say they would never date someone who already has a child. I personally do not go out there trying to find single fathers to date, but I also wouldn't let it be enough to stop me from getting to know a guy. To be seriously involved with someone is to at least be somewhat involved with his life (starting with his child, as I assume is the most important person in his life) so I used to think it was just too much to handle, but then I met a guy with a very young child. Fell in love with him and his son. Not crazy about the situation, but I think it's worth my time because I think he's worth my time. I was lucky enough that the mother of his child understood that I mean no disrespect to their family. I'd go on a date, get to know him. If later you realize it's too much for you, just be honest. Absolutely nothing wrong with what you're feeling and you wouldn't be a bad person if you later realize you don't want to be involved with all of it after all. Good luck!
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I don't see why his having a kid is such a big deal. You either like him or you don't; the kid should have no bearing on that. You could be missing out on something fantastic if you let the kid scare you off.