Thursday, 10 November 2011
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Married People and Unmarried Friends of the Opposite Sex
Is It okay for your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend to have close friends who are not married?
I personally think that if you trust your mate then who they are friends with doesn’t matter.
On the other hand... I do see the argument that it's not okay. For example, you come home from work to find your husband's female friend sitting on your sofa. At any given moment you could wonder "what the hell?" I don’t mind the friend but I have a problem with female friends at my house or hanging out with my husband without me around... seems too much like a date or something.
As for single same sex friends... One could say “what do you really have in common with a single person if you’re married?” Usually if you’re going out to the club or bar with single friends a lot of the time they're trying to get it in, drink, flirt and whatever else. What is your married self doing? Are you the wing-man/woman? Just kicking back with your drink watching the people?
Are married people who have a problem with single friends seen as insecure and jealous?
What do you think? Are you married? Single? Are you the single friend?
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- From: BeanieMama@xanga
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Comments (42)
I think if you dont find it ok to have friends of the opposite sex, it shows insecurity on the significant other's part. I have male friends that are single, with girls, confused, whatever. I lay out the boundaries clearly with them so they know & I would expect the guy I date to do the same with his ladyfriends. As long as I know who I'm with & my guys does too, I'm not worried.
I have dated guys who were insecure about my guyfriends but I always told them dont worry about who likes me, worry about who I like. There's a big difference.
I guess when I sit here and think about it... I don't hang out with any single people and if I did hang out with some of the single friends I have I would have my SO with me. Most of the time my single friends and I simply don't hang out in the same places... that being said, I have no problem with either one of us having single friends of either sex, but we don't hang out with them at bars. If I went any where with my single female friends it would be a to a movie or coffee, not to a bar, and I would not hang out with my single male friends without my SO. And I know he doesn't hang out with his single friends. And if he did he would take me with him or give me the option to go, just as I would him. If he said no I would not probably go.
I think that if you are hanging out, or your SO/spouse, is hanging out in bars with single friends of either sex it is just an issue waiting to happen, trust or not. Eventually that can be used as ammunition if the relationship starts to go south at any point.
I agree that if you and your spouse trust each other, it is perfectly fine to have single friends.
Your spouse's opposite sex single friends: A few times my husband hung out with female friends, I felt a little odd at first but I was ok with him hanging out with them, especially since they've known each other since diapers. It did help to get to know his female friends better. I did have a problem a while back with him collecting phone numbers of some skanky chicks he met in a bar while with his guy friends. What does he need their phone numbers for?
Your spouse's same sex single friends: I don't have a problem with him going out with single guy friends as the wingman, he knows between right and wrong behavior. The water may simmer, but it better only boil at home! There's nothing wrong with boys night out, it's a great time to have a girls night out the same night. Some of my friends are married, too, but we like to have fun sometimes.
@malissa1578@xanga - I normally find myself in the same places you do--movies, coffee/tea place, or out to dinner with my married/long term relationship friends. However, I don't see a problem with hitting a bar (very occasionally) with the girlfriends (single or married) to have a couple drinks, or even dance if the place has music and/or band. I don't have any single close male friends, so that's never a concern. I think our group of friends are mostly over trying to pick up in a bar, which is why I am ok with either me or my husband hanging out with single friends in bars. But everyone's different, everyone should do what works for them.
my parents don't spend time alone with fiends of the opposite sex out of respect...
for each other.@babybug329@xanga - see if our single friends/aquaintences weren't such, well for lack of a better word "sluts", both male and female, I think I would be more comfortable with going out like to a bar once in a while. I think a GNO or BNO with responsible people would be great... I just don't know that many people here on that level and the ones I do that are single are not out to just hang out they want to prowl. My hometown would be different.
My SO and I do go out and fun together though.
I also noticed that since being in this relationship my whole thought on friends and the types of people I am friends with have changed. But honestly all my true friends and life long friends live in my hometown and one in another town in this state. All the people I know here in this city are just really "aquaintences", so it makes a difference in how I answer this question.
I have two single friends of the opposite sex and my husband is better friends with them than I am. Literally, they are like my brothers, so my husband doesn't mind them hanging out with me at all. He has one single female friend who I adore and I don't mind that, either.
Typically, though, we only hang out with other couples. And we ALWAYS make sure the other person has properly met the friend and approves.
i'm all for opposite sex freinds as long as there are boundaries set.
for example, there is no way in hell that another woman (regardless of how close her friendhip with my future husband is) should be in my home when i am not present.
if they wanna hang out, they can go to the movies, bowling, skydiving, whatever. but not spend time alone in my home. that is the place i will share with my husband, and not is somewhere that another woman should be.
@malissa1578@xanga - Oh, now I see why you (or your SO) wouldn't want to hang out with single "friends." It's because they are just acquaintances rather than real friends. In which case, I'd feel the same way you do about them. And like you, I did have my eyes opened to the difference between the real friends and acquaintances, especially through the life milestone events like getting engaged and/or married, and some through experience.
@babybug329@xanga - Exactly. :) And since we are now getting married, it makes for even more changes, but not really since most of those are already there form previous experiences. It was different when we were single to go out one night on a weekend and let go and fun or something. We also have kids from previous marriages that make us think about hanging out with those people as a no-no most of the time. Ah the repsonsible life :) more fullfilling to me than those irresponsible days.
I've had some bad experiences with my husband and his single (male) friends, then again most of them were kind of slutty so, eh... But he doesn't really have any single female friends.
My experience with single friends of the opposite sex- and my husband's as well- is that when they find out that we are extremely committed, devoted, and are not interested in even light, playful flirting, they drop us pretty quickly. Exceptions are rare: I have ONE single male friend, he has ONE female friend who I spend time with as well. But the friendships aren't nearly as close once you're married, at least in our case. I get my need for male, non-family company filled with him. It's definitely different from when you're dating.
Well I have single friends and I'm currently in a relationship that entails marriage with my bf, and honestly only about once did something bad happen with a single friend but it was since snuffed out and we no longer talk to that friend anymore. He really overstepped his boundaries but most of the single friends I have, actually are very dear to me and there is no romantic involvement whatsoever.
I don't really see much of a problem with it.
You just have to be careful.
What?! Why wouldn't it be okay? I don't get it. My parents have plenty of single friends of the opposite sex, but they've been married twenty seven years and trust each other completely. If you're in a happy, committed relationship, I don't see why it would matter in the slightest. You can't control who people are friends with. They'll resent you for it and it will just cause problems.
@dynamicstars@xanga - why? What difference does it make?
"Are married people who have a problem with single friends seen as insecure and jealous?"
YES.
I think there should be boundaries, just because it *looks bad* when two people of the opposite sex hang out alone (not alone together in public, but in private) and one is married/attached and the other is not. Other than that, just *having* friends is not something to whine over. Some people need to be more easygoing.
I don't get this. My romantic situation is complicated (long distance and I'm technically single) and my best local friend is engaged and living with his fiancee. I hang out with him alone and I hang out with them together. Personally, I think it's foolish to give up a strong friendship of many years because of a partner. It's not like this guy is taking me to lavish dinners and buying me drinks; we hang out and play video games and do things you'd expect close friends of any gender to do together. Sometimes *gasp* the three of us go out to bars or clubs together and wouldn't you know it, I've never hooked up with someone from either, which makes me question the validity of "I have nothing in common with my single friends wah wah wahhh." I guess that only applies if a) you equate commitment with never putting yourself in situations with single people (because people never cheat with coworkers or anything ever, right?), or b) your single friends actually have no personality or depth and you're all just rungs on each other's ladders that you're willing to climb all the way to wedded bliss. If that's the case, you may want to look for friends who have aspirations other than popping out triplets with cutesy matching names by the age of 25.
Disrespectful to have friends of the opposite sex? I'd say it's more disrespectful when my partner doesn't trust me enough to spend time with other men without ripping off my pants as soon as the opportunity arises. Y' all enjoy your cesspools of jealousy and codependency; just trust me when I say I'll continue to enjoy having a complete, fulfilling life that isn't crippled by someone else's insecurities.
Yeah...I became really close friends with this guy, then he got married and I backed off. I feel like, as a married man, he shouldn't be hanging out with just me. It would be a bit disrespectful to his wife. We still chit chat about stuff and maintain a friendship, but I wouldn't go to the movies or go to a club with him like I used to. And I can no longer invite him to visit me in Philly (he lives near my parents) because again...that would be really disrespectful to his wife. I'm hoping once I get some steady relationship going, and his wife moves from New York to live with him in Maryland, we could double date.
I think if you are going to be friends with someone of the opposite sex who is married, and you aren't, you need to also be friends with the spouse and treat the friendship as a mostly packaged deal. Think of them as a couple, and be equally become just as close with the spouse as you are with the friend. I know if the friend is one of those "been friends forever since we were kids" that probably won't happen. But I think the point I'm trying to make it coming through.
Well I think the friendship(s) are okay to a certain extent. I don't agree with hanging out with the person alone. And having that friend at your home, etc. And as long as the other person(spouse) is comfortable with it, I really don't see the issue. But if the spouse/significant other is uncomfortable then it's best to end it. I think if your co-workers it's fine to talk and what not at work. But as I've said before if the spouse is uncomfortable it's better to end the friendship.
i'm the single friend. i have a ton of married or engaged gfs and we have a lot of fun. we still hang out and get drinks and dish about dirt all the time. i think it's ok to have married friends when your single or vice versa. i do have single friends who i hang out an do single things with too.
@yyz211288@xanga - you shouldn't have to end a great friendship for a partner. Someone who loves you wouldn't make you do that.
@written_conversations@xanga - what difference does it make? it's my home, the place i'll share with my husband (and possible future children) and i don't want people in it unless i know about them and are comfortable with them. if i KNOW the friend, fine, that's totally differnt and fine, but i don't want anyone that i don't know (regardless of gender) in my home when i'm not present and i wasn't asked about it.
@dynamicstars@xanga - ah, okay, I think I got confused, lol. I thought you meant like...ever, haha.
My parents go out on "dates" with other people or hangout with single friends all the time. Nothing sexual happens and it's just good fun. They trust and love each other enough to do that.
@written_conversations@xanga - oh hahaha, no, not what i meant at all xD
Of course because they're insecure and jealous lol you can't think your partner will be cheating on you with anyone of the opposite sex, it's ridiculous. Trust is something you have to have if there's no trust there's no relationship at all.