Monday, 07 November 2011
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Am I in Denial?
It's been months since he admitted to cheating on me and I still don't know how to handle it. It all started when my friend told me she had heard he cheated on me at a little party, and I have always said if I were ever cheated on, I would end the relationship, but had never been in the situation til now. So off impulse, I broke up with him... then after some time of thinking and him blowing up my phone, I decided to hear him out and he said, "I swear I didn't do anything with her. She told me I should leave you and get with her but that's it. I don't want her and I'm sorry I even went over there."
Well needless to say, I gave him another chance because I didn't really trust that friend. She's the drama type and maybe I was just a little in denial. Well 6 months had passed and I would still bring it up because I was still questioning my decision and one day when he was walking me to work, I had brought it up again and he finally admitted it to me. I just didn't know what to think because I couldn't believe it took him that long to tell me the truth.
By this point, we were so close he was my best friend, so how could I just walk away? I was so hurt and upset but at the same time, it was like I had known the whole time he did it but couldn't bring myself to believe it. I just felt so stupid for not going with my gut and not believing my friend. But to make it even worse, I had accepted that he did it a long time ago so like a dumbass, I gave him another chance (please don't ask what I was thinking because now that I look back, I just wish I would have left in the beginning).
So now we're doing well. I don't really bring it up although I think about it often and I'm just scared that he is going to do it again, but this time nobody's going to tell me since I didn't listen before. I'm also scared that it was just a one time thing and I'm just being insecure. And to top it all off, his dad is the biggest cheater in town. I knew who his dad was because of his reputation. Like father like son?
I'm in so deep but feel like I won't ever be able to trust him and am so tired of worrying about whether he's going to end up like the saying once a cheater always a cheater, and I'll just be too blind to see it.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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- From: peacegirl
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Comments (45)
Some who cares about you, regardless of whether they are a boyfriend or even just a friend, would never try to put you through that kind of pain. Do yourself a favor and just move on.
Trust is one of the primary foundations of a good, healthy relationship. You've given it time, and from what you've written, it seems like instead learning to trust him again, you've just become more insecure. This is a natural progression of feelings. Honestly, I think you should bail. Trust is earned, and once it is lost, it's very very difficult to get back. There are men out there who will deserve that trust and it is more worthwhile waiting to meet one of them, than wasting your time in a relationship where you doubt him and your own feelings.
If he has admitted to you what he has done, you need to think long and hard whether or not the relationship is worth continuing. You can forgive him when you want to/if you can, but can you trust that he will behave in such a way to respect you in the future? However, if you say that you wished you could have left him when you found out, then maybe it is best for you to leave and move on. No one can tell you what to do, you must consider what is best for you, and while the decision might not be easy, nor will it be easy to feel strong and confident through the time you will need to heal your wounds, it is possible. I find that going with your gut instincts is often the best choice. Best wishes.
Well the only thing I can really say is that... its his decision to cheat and if he did it once, he may do it again. you just don't know because you are not him. Its not something you can control. The only thing you can do is to do the right thing for you, whether it is leaving or getting some councelling to help you throughthe issues you have from the bad decision he made. I cannot say whether or not you made a bad decision simply becuase I don't know you or the details. I can say with all certainty I could not live with what my ex-husband did when he cheated. It gave me issues that I needed to face, trust issues and the fact that I blamed my self even though it wasn't me or my fault. the only thing you cannot do is control another persons decisions and it was his decision.
You need to let go of it and realize you cannot control him and to worry about it is just going to drive you nuts and him eventually or make you sick. You have to either move on or forgive him. I would not completely trust him for a bit as he would have to earn that back... the only way you will know it was a one time thing is with time.
I cannot advise you to leave like I did, there were so many mitigating factors in my marriage that made it a necessary thing for us to split... his cheating being one of them.
Good luck.
I stopped reading when you said you gave him another chance.
Well mine cheated once and I believed him when he said he didn't do it. Like
you, I found out the truth long after. Then it happened again, and again
and this time a child was born because of the 3rd affair. Once again he
said it wasn't his, he hadn't slept with her and that I was paranoid
and had trust issues. Ya think?? Anyway, all of this mistrust took it's
toll...I became consumed by it, depression set in and I finally whacked
my head against a wall, got some common sense and walked away. The
situation had become toxic, consuming me. When I left I found out that
there was an affair just after I found out I was pregnant and also has
twin girls! At any rate the choice is obviously yours but trust is the
foundation of all relationships and if it is broken and you feel you
can't overcome it, are consumed by it...move on. By the way...you mentioned like father like son? Both my ex and his brother cheated and their father was a ho...just an observation.
If anything it wasn't the fact that he cheated on you that was the worst part. It was the fact that he lied and kept the truth from you for 6 fucking months. Sometimes cheating in a relationship can be a one time thing and it can be repaired. But he fucked up that chance when he made the choice to not even be honest with you. Dump his ass.
I think you should at least take a break in order to think things over. It sounds like you're still very hurt by what he did and his cheating is always in the back of your head. I say, stop seeing him for awhile and spend more time on yourself, find out what you want and then reevaluate if this relationship is really worth it.
A relationship thrives on trust and honesty, and if you don't have either you're kinda well, screwed. I was in your position before and it doesn't get any better. You'll worry, cry, and fret yourself to tears every time you think about the thought of him cheating on you. Save yourself the pain. It is best to move on, sweetheart. There is someone out there that will give you the respect you deserve.
@lilblucherrygrl@xanga - exactly.
He cheated. That was mistake number one. To deny it for such an extended period is unacceptable. If he couldn't come clean when confronted, then you absolutely cannot trust him.
I think it's best to move on without him. Tell him that if he truly feels sorry, he'll find another girl who's worth starting clean with.
Once trust is lost, it is hard to gain back. Even someone that you are really close with can lie straight to your face. I witnessed it myself when my best friend got cheated on by her boyfriend (now ex) of a little over one year. Some men can be very deceitful and can trick you into believing everything they say. On the outside, they appear sincere but on the inside, they're just full of it. If it took him that long to own up to his mistake and if he can't even be honest to your face when you first asked if he had cheated, then he's going to lie just like he did. It's not worth your time. Get out while you can. The longer you stay in this, the more heartbreak you will endure.
@lilblucherrygrl@xanga - I completely agree. It's one thing to make a horrible mistake and cheat, it's a totally different thing to keep it from you for SIX MONTHS while you ask repeatedly for the truth.
These types of things are so personal it's hard to give good, sound advice.
If it's eating at you and it's something you don't think will ever go away (I can imagine the trust in your relationship is practically nonexistent) then you need to do something about it right away. Don't stay and let it rot your relationship from the inside out. If it's something you don't think you will ever be able to forgive then you should go. Simple.
If you really want to work it out, if you think you have it in you to forgive him, then you have to be willing to FORGIVE and not just pretend to forgive and then bring it up every couple of months.
I would recommend couples counseling if you decide to stay. Not only will it help you forgive his actions but it will help him with his little "lying issues". That's the ONE thing that stands out in this article... he hid it from you for 6 months. That needs to be talked about.
This story sounds so much like mine, it's not even funny. Mine was my soon-to-be ex-husband who I've been with since high school (13 years). I always told him if he cheated on me I would leave him in a heartbeat. He cheated on me a couple of years ago while we were engaged and he cheated again a couple weeks after our wedding. He kept this from me for over 2 years, even though I questioned it and asked for the truth many times. He didn't tell me before we were married because he said he knew I would leave him. He said he changed for the better after cheating on me the first time but I didn't believe it, since it happened again. I've spent the past few months dealing with this. I wanted to leave right away but the process is a little more difficult now. I finally told him that I can't deal with it and we're in the process of getting divorced. I didn't want to move forward and have children with this kind of relationship. The trust is gone and I can't spend the rest of my life questioning everything he does.
My advice is to get out before it happens again. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out. Since you got back together, he's going to think it's ok to do it again...and again. It would be one thing if he fessed up to it when it happened. The lies kill the trust more than anything. I do agree if you stay together that you should go see a counselor together.
Not only did he cheat on you, he lied to you about cheating the first time
I would dump him
he lied to you. he made you doubt your own reasons and rational. without actually calling you crazy, him lying to your face over and over about his cheating ways, is making you insecure, miserable and isolated because now you were the girl that took a cheating guy's word over a friend's.
yes, things are better, probably because he's feeling guilty as heck. but you can't stay with him because he has become your whole social network=best friend. you can't keep living this double life where you're terrified that he'd cheat and lie to you AGAIN and you won't know it if he lied when you asked him or really didn't cheat on your or not. I can't live like that and I don't think anyone can really, in knowing that what they say "I'm telling you the truth" really isn't THE TRUTH.
Leave. You are having some serious symptoms that would say you're clinging onto this relationship because you're not comfortable with the thought of being alone. That shouldn't be a main factor in staying in a relationship either, but this guy has LIED TO YOUR face. Imagine how many TIMES you have asked, asked and asked about that situation... how many lies upon likes he had to make up to make you BELIEVE. He not only lost the trust, but stepped on it for good measure and created this major baggage of having trust issues for any other relationship afterwards. Leave him for the sake of your SANITY!!
Move on if he truly loved and respected you and your relationship he would not have cheated and at the very least should not have lied about it. Its still bothering you and your going to end up having trust issues with the next guy your with because your afraid to trust anyone now. Its not your fault and its nothing you did he made his decision and now he should have to live with it and regreat loosing you because of that decision. Stick to your guns if they cheat you leave, cuz its not fair to be invested in someone who is harmful to you emotionally and possibly physically. What will you do if he does it again he knows you will stay with him and whats worse what if he gives you something. Yes your faithful but that doesnt mean you wont get something from him and thats gotta be an uncomfortable doctors visit and even worse week or so waiting on results.
It wasn't the fact that he cheated on you, sometimes people cheat and then they work through the problems. The telltale signs should be that you were suspicious for 6 months and felt off, and he lied to your face for 6 months. Regardless of his intentions, or your hope -- his actions speak louder than words and it's unbelieable that he lied to you for months on end, and deep down inside you know you won't be able to trust him. There will be more guys after this one -- imagine a relationship where there AREN'T trust issues, that's your future as long as you dump this guy while you can!
Once a cheater always a cheater... I'd get out now.
If you can't trust him, you need to move on. You clearly aren't happy in this relationship, and you never will be if this is a question. If he had been honest with you from the start, it might be worth trying to make it work. Everybody makes mistakes, after all. But the fact that he lied to you about it shows it wasn't a mistake; you can't trust him.
Here's a good rule of thumb: if you ever have doubts like this, it means something is wrong.
Good luck.
I went through this.
He fucked my step-sister.
They even told me.
I didn't want to believe it.
Actually,I DIDN'T believe it
so I continued dating him.
But then, he cheated on me with my step-mother.
Too far. So I left him.
He's now a cheater with some other bitch.
And I hated my step mom and step sister so much that I told my dad.
He left her. Thank god.
But yeah, leave the stupid dick.
It may be hard, but you'll get over him.
after reading this nonsense I can see why he did what he did.
I think it's best for you to get out now. You've already wasted so much energy and if he does not work to get that trust back he's not worth it. This is something that has to be worked through together if anything good is to come of it. If he's truly sorry and has no intentions of doing it again then he will work with you and not make you feel bad about how you're dealing with this. Insecurity is a bitch and it doesn't take much to make it come out and things like this make it harder for it to go away. I hope whatever decision you make is the best for you.