That phrase essentially sums up my entire uneventful adolescent sham of a love life and precisely explains why I am stranded on a camel in the Desert of Love.
My main problem with the concepts of love and relationships is that I'm pretty sure I don't understand what the former is, and I've never really had one of the latter.
Well, that isn't true. I understand what love is (I've seen Sleepless in Seattle), but it seems I am incapable of actually applying it to my own situation. Why? My issue is that I tend to idealize people and superimpose characteristics that I hope to find in men onto severely less-than-perfect people. Then I immediately fall in love- not with the person themselves, but with the
idea and fantasy of what our relationship could be like and how our life together would more or less be copied directly out of a Disney film (because, naturally, all high school relationships end in marriage). And then I get mad or disappointed when the person- who by this point I have built up in my mind to godlike status- isn't
exactly as I imagined them to be.
I'm not naive; I know that for a fact.
I understand that falling in "love" with the idea of someone is masochistic and inexplicably stupid. I've wasted years of my life pining after the idea of someone, only to find out that they were selfish, crass, and not the Prince Charming that I had designed him as in my mind.
It's just that I'm a diehard romantic, and I am obsessed with everything having a happy ending.
The men are supposed to be kind, smart, caring, charming, and chivalrous, not to mention well-dressed. In reality, the divorce rate in America is at 50%, and there are a lot of men who are cruel, disgusting, oblivious, and total slobs.
As a perfectionist and a hopeless romantic, the idea that a man may not reach every one of my lofty expectations is unsettling to me, so I just keep fixing all of their tiny imperfections until I end up with some kind of absurd Adonis who is absolutely
nothing like the pimply-face seventeen-year-old whose only passions are playing Xbox and stealing condoms from his older brother's nightstand (not that I've ever liked anyone that awful).
What do you think? Have you ever fallen in love with the "idea" or someone, or do you learn to work with people's imperfections?
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Comments (43)
"I understand what love is (I've seen Sleepless in Seattle)"
Hahahahaha no.
"but it seems I am incapable of actually applying it to my own situation. Why? "
Because you're not Meg Ryan.
"The men are supposed to be kind, smart, caring, charming, and chivalrous, not to mention well-dressed. In reality, the divorce rate in America is at 50%, and there are a lot of men who are cruel, disgusting, oblivious, and total slobs."
And what about the women? You're so focused on your expectations for others it seems like you're completely ignoring issues with your own character. There's a saying that goes, "If you want to be treated like a princess, act like one." There are a lot of women who are just as bad, if not worse, than the men.
"What do you think? Have you ever fallen in love with the "idea" or someone, or do you learn to work with people's imperfections?"
I have done that before, and I realized that it was a cheap way for me to ignore my own character flaws and things that needed improvement. If you are fine with your own imperfections then you had better extend the same courtesy to others. If you are insistent on "fixing" people, then first fix yourself until there is nothing wrong with you (good luck with that).
I stopped reading when you said that you know what love is by watching Sleepless in Seattle. I'm sorry, but even for a high schooler that's just embarrassing. Are you sure you're not in middle school?
I've said that a lot for past relationships, "I was in love with the idea of him!!!"....if that keeps happening to you, you need to do some self discovery. I don't think you're ready for a mature relationship if after all your relationships you end up saying that.
Or at least that is what I discovered about myself. I think that if you consciously or subconsciously create a personality/traits for another person, just because it makes it easier for you to stay with them, or enjoy them, then your self esteem needs to be examined.
Why are you even putting yourself through that? Are you afraid of being single? I admit, that was me at one point. I took a year off of dating and boys. I needed to. I discovered that being single is a ton of fun. Nothing to be scared of. You should be scared of losing someone special, rather than just being afraid of being single.
I ended up finding someone amazing, that I would never need to give him extra personality (he's got plenty)!
Don't waste your time on character-less, emotional-less guys, unless that's also what you are.
I don't think someone can learn to live with another person's imperfections. Or mold someone into the "perfect" partner. I think you have to pick and choose your battles, and decide what you can AND will tolerate. People can change, but you can't change another person. That person has to want to change for him/herself.
Like another commenter mentioned, the fact that you say, "I was in love with the idea of ___ (type man)..." perhaps you should fly solo for a bit, search your soul, set some goals and accomplish them. And she's right, being single is not a bad thing. Being single allows you many freedoms, some that often coupled up people cannot afford unless parties involved in the relationship trust each other immensely. Being hopelessly romantic is also not a bad thing, as long as you can be realistic about it all. Don't lose hope, and don't put a strict timeline on things. I believe when one is strong and confident, and knows where he/she stands in life, one can attract someone great. When you focus all your energy one looking for love (or just about anything), you will never find it. You will always find something great when you weren't looking for it.
You have drawn all of these idealistic notions of romance and love from... MOVIES... and not any movies, but the ever beautiful, always entertaining prince charming movies that disney was so wonderful to provide for us and all of the fancy childhood fairytales of romance and prince charming... but wait a minute. Here is a catch for you... all those boys/men know of these movies too and do you think that we fit in their ideas of the perfect princess?
"Sleepless in seattle" - oh lord, another romantic fairytale to live with and learn from... how many times did you watch it?
I think we have all fallen in love with the "idea" of someone, but I am willing to bet the vast majority of us were in highschool... and after those experiences, I would like to think that we, or at least, the vast majority, of us learned that. that is not real.
I think it is time to put away the notions of love you have gleened from all the fairytale movies and romance novels/movies that you have watched, figure your self out, and grow with the experiences and lessons you should have learned from your previous relationship... e.i. the falling in love with the "idea" of prince charming. you are young yet and will learn these things and hopefully figure out what you need rather than want, two very different things. just a hint, some 40 year olds still can't figure this out. Good luck.
Hmm, well, I took the Sleepless in Seattle part as a joke... Overall the post was pretty intelligently written for a 17 year old.
And yes, I've been through the "I liked the idea of you" thing. While I was in an abusive relationship from 14-16 I would have guy friends (always have and always will), that I developed crushes on and basically fell in love with, because we were close, I wanted/needed to be saved, and they said sweet and comforting things to me. But after a time it turned into a "what was I thinking" sort of thing.
You may be a perfectionist, but you're not perfect either. We all have flaws, including yourself.
Bottom line is, we ALL deal with imperfections in our partners. Learn to accept him/her for who they truly are. Learn to embrace his/her personality.
damn i remember the days when i believed fairy tales could actually happen...but chea...reality is painful slap in the face...just dont continue getting slapped...if that makes sense.
uh...perfectionism and romanticism? together?
good luck with that.
If you are in love, you either don't notice the "imperfections" or you find them endearing.
Unless these imperfections include violence...naturally.
there are some nice men like this but some of them were former sluts and have redeemed themselves or vice versa with women.
I'm going to have to disagree that imperfections suddenly become endearing when you're in love. I don't think many people have ever said, "Aww, he forgot my birthday! That's so cute of him!" or "Omg, he became so engrossed in Battlefield 3 that he lost his job, isn't that adorable?" If we're talking about something that's quirky (like some distinguishing physical feature or one of those flaws that aren't really flaws because you always found them endearing), then yeah, that stuff isn't going to bother you. Clearly, though, these are things that bother you - otherwise you wouldn't need to make up qualities for people that they don't actually possess.
I get that you're exaggerating a lot to make a point, but here's the truth: everyone has dealbreakers, but you need to decide what hills you're willing to die on. It's certainly not realistic or healthy to expect perfection from a partner. Everyone has the capacity to be cruel, disgusting, and oblivious. Are you sure that Sleepless in Seattle thing was a joke?
Anyway, lighten up. You're 17. You're not going to find true love. Date around for the fun of it, meet people, discover what's actually important to you - because it seems like you have no clue at the moment.
I've definitely fallen for the idea of someone before. And their reality left little to be desired. Luckily it was just an infatuation that never developed into anything. Even more luckily the person I'm with now, I love the idea of him and I love the reality of him. I know he's definitely not perfect but I'm okay with that.
erm think its cause you're 17? yeah.
At least you have a camel. They can be fun.
Let's cut her some slack, at least she's thinking seriously about this at 17 (although you seriously might want to think about your movie choices). To be honest with you, I end up inadvertently tolerating people. I don't seek out men and try to think about if he's "the one" or obsess over his different qualities. Taking it slowly and getting to know someone first is a good way to find out if you can handle being with them relationship-wise.
Like you, I'm in love with the idea of loving someone completely and utterly, but you have to temper than down just a little bit for real men who have flaws, just as they don't expect a doe-eyed Disney princess whose hair looks perfect all the damn time.
(Also read the poem "I do not love you except because I love you" by Pablo Neruda. It's one of my favorites and I think you'll relate to it. xD )
Been there, done that, bought that t-shirt multiple times in multiple sizes, wearing my biggest one right now.
Someone HAS told you that all these movies are in fact...fiction...right?
NEVER expect love to be anything like a fairy tale or movie set. REAL LIFE is not that glamorous or perfect. No man you ever meet will be, and neither are you. I think you need to take some time to grow up a bit before you start diving into relationships with unrealistic expectations.
Being 17 myself, I understand where you're coming from. Sort of.
I get I'm not going to find my "soul mate", if you believe in those, in high school.
I've been in love once and that was actually years ago. Surprising for my age, huh? Might not be, whatever.
I do think it's just that you really haven't found the right guy, but with getting the right guy, his imperfections become something that makes him him, and that's needed. Perfection will get boring. Of course, too incompatible will become irritating.
And I agree with what a fe of them are saying; just learn to be by yourself. Happiness doesn't come from being with someone, it comes from yourself. (:
(I adore quotes.)
And... Sorry if I strayed a few times, my thought process has been off for a while now.
I'm pretty sure at 17 I was dating my idea of somebody instead of the real person. It happens, especially when you're not sure exactly what you're looking for, what are dealbreakers, and where you are willing to compromise. My feelings are that, in high school, you have the capabilities to do this. I didn't know what I was looking for at 17, I had cute movie scene stars obscuring my vision. However, once that relationship was over (I totally cried myself to sleep in my mom's bed that night. He dumped me on New Year's Eve), I was able to look back and realize that he wasn't what I wanted in the first place. He didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated. It sounds sad, but how are you supposed to know what you do want if you don't know what you don't want? It makes sense, I swear.
Also, learning to work with people's imperfections is a relationship. Nobody is perfect, including yourself. Find out which of those imperfections are dealbreakers for you, compromise on the others. This is also a tricky concept, because while everyone says they have dealbreakers, some don't actually BREAK the DEAL. It's finding the balance between compromising and ceding that people don't always get. It takes time. It takes trial and error. It takes work. Always remember that.
You don't "learn to work" with imperfections. Loving someone is when the idea of what you want him to be is gone and you see the imperfections and still want to be with him.
i'm fairly certain she was being sarcastic about the 'sleepless in seatle' thing.
i mean it is like saying "i watched the movie titanic and i haven't gone on a killing spree." tangentially, i haven't... watched titanic or gone on a killing spree.@finding_shore@xanga - yeah, i agree, i'm pretty sure that was a joke. i'm glad someone else thought so too...
"I'm not naive; I know that for a fact.I understand that falling in "love" with the idea of someone is masochistic and inexplicably stupid. I've wasted years of my life pining after the idea of someone, only to find out that they were selfish, crass, and not the Prince Charming that I had designed him as in my mind."
Uh, no. You're naive and you're deciding what you want this person to be like without even getting to know that person and fall in love with who they REALLY are. Whose fault is that? Part of being in a mature loving relationship is getting to know that person and loving them despite their faults...and if you can't love someone despite their faults at least you know that and you aren't hoping for some Prince Charming that THEY NEVER PROMISED TO BE.You might be dating plenty of decent guys but when they turn out not to be perfect like in your gross little fantasy world you kick them to the curb. Ridiculous. I'm sure they'd prefer you to be a different way too.
heehee, you say you're not naive and then you say you're a hopeless romantic. there is always a certain amount of naivete involved in being a hopeless romantic, that's just the nature of it. At 17, you can't help but be naive, and I'm not saying that in a condescending way at all. I'm 20 and I'm def very naive still.