Sunday, 06 November 2011
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If You Don't Flirt Back, It's Sexual Harassment
Weeks ago, I started writing this post. Working and re-working the text, the concepts, the content. Finally, I realized it was definitely all of the above. The old version of this post pitted trim, thin, and skinny women against their curvy, filled out fleshy counterparts. And I didn't want to add to the body hype. And since my message has implication across the spectrum of bodies, it made sense to put everyone on the same time against anger, loneliness and other such ethereal concepts. So here's my deal...or the deal...or one of a host of deals out there to be addressed as they relate to the getting together of guys and girls.
I'm in a Facebook community called, "if guys like 'curvy' girls then why do all the skinny ones have boyfriends?" Now, being a self proclaimed lover of curvy women and knowing that I'm by no means, the only one of my kind, this group is an affront to my sensibilities. Not that it exists...but that it needs to. I spoke a bit with the group's creator who expressed personal and observed frustration at a common singleness among the soft, sloping ranks of the curvy.
There's a great scene in the film,
Spanglish, in which the narrator ruminates on the nature of body image:American women, I believe actually feel the same as Hispanic women about weight. A desire for the comfort of fullness. And when that desire is suppressed for style, and deprivation allowed to rule, dieting, exercising American women become afraid of everything associated with being curvaceous, such as wantonness, lustfulness, sex, food, motherhood, all that is best in life.
I think she makes some interesting points. And I think that she's mostly right. There is a degree of internal comfort in the natural contours of one's body. Internal confidence engenders a high degree of self awareness and introspection. People with high self awareness and introspective natures make excellent partners. Healthy concerns, expressive emotionally, but not co-dependent. So, to all the self-sustained women living in the comfort of fullness; I want to date you.
Here's the rub. In some way shape or form, before "happy couple," comes "flirting strangers." There seems to be a phenomenon wherein lots of people don't like to flirt. But, like that group is based on individual experiences, so is this post. But hopefully, this is more of a call to action, than pure lament. I am an insatiable flirt. Sometimes I even flirt when I don't want to. I do it for fun. I do it for profit. I do it to get places. I do it to kill time. It's a little like shopping.
But, it's more like a dance. It's give and take. It's compromise. And, as much as it pains me to say, in my experience, some girls do the dance like Blackpool Champions. While a lot of others act like they don't even like to dance, much less be in a dance club.
There's much fun to be had in flirting. I don't know why everyone doesn't do it all the time. Work. School. The mall. For a challenge flirt at the DMV. But even if my flirt radar is always up, it takes two to tango. Rapport building? Chatting up? Flirting? All of this has to start somewhere. A stranger says "Hi" on the street. A guy who uses the machine near you in the gym nods to you. The smiling cart pusher in the produce aisle. No matter what something becomes, it usually starts as something else. Most experts identify flirting as a means
or
an end. If I sound a little obsessed, I don't always flirt...Sometimes I sleep.
A few women, in my experience, are on board with the anytime flirt mentality. At the gym, she's the girl who nods back, and may even remove an earbud for a chat. When you ask to sit next to her at Starbucks, she'll eye you up and may or may not offer you the seat. But, you got the once over. And that's all I wanted, a shot.
Before you decide that ALL guys are horrible, that they only date skinny girls, that they only date ______, make sure you are a little more comfortable with you, and that your flirt radar is pinging.
What are your thoughts?
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Comments (23)
Flirting: WIN.
yep im a total flirt. it was makes me feel so much better to know i can pick up a guy...even tho the boyfriend hates it. lol. definitely agree with you on the self awareness bit. skinny girls just happen to be a bit more secure because they are already excepted as the ideal as opposed to curvaceous women. altho i know some spunky curvy women. =)
I don't know how, and probably couldn't flirt if my life depended on it.
And I like it that way.. (:
(I honestly can't see myself as that outgoing, confident guy that flirts.. it's just not me, dammit!)
Add to that: If someone was flirting with me I'd probably be completely clueless!
It's a foreign concept to us shy/awkward/socially crippled types! Heehee (:
And guys can have body-issues too.. especially us skinny dudes!
It doesn't feel good seeing some buff, muscle-y guy and then looking at yourself and going... ummm this sucks!
if I think the guy is cute, then his flirting ways will likely be more receptive by me, and if he's ugly, then I'll be less hesitant to flirt back. it is superficial but that's the way it is. it is similar to when someone sees a cute puppy versus a creepy spider; one makes me want to go and pet it while the other makes me flinch away and cringe. since attractiveness is subjective, then just because I don't find him attractive, someone else is bound to find him attractive sooner or later, so when he flirts with her, then she might respond nicer, and my disinterest won't really affect him. some hot black guy with nice arms and tattoo sleeves, who resembled my favorite rapstar smiled and winked at me and I immediately reacted with a shy smile
if a guy that I didn't find attractive did the same thing, I would probably think..."really?! THIS guy is actually winking at me
"
@hellstar0604@xanga - -_______________________________________________-
Idk if I'm tired or what, but this post was really all over the place. I got stuck at the whole curviness thing, and can't really see how it relates to flirting?
I agree with you. Flirting can only benefit a person especially when it comes to building confidence. It's those who are scared of rejection that don't partake in flirting. Those people are missing out on some serious confidence building foundations.
I like to have my line between a relationship and everything else. Sometimes, being friendly can be seen as flirting. I know I do it, but no.. not very often. Usually, flirting is an introduction to more intimacy, such as touching. I don't like being touched by people, other than a friendly punch and even then, i would have to know them pretty well.
I enjoy my set line between love and friendship, because it makes being in a relationship special. How I see it, there is no need for any guy to touch me in any way, unless they are my boyfriend. It shows affection and care. And flirting always seems to lead to them touching me, even a hug is not okay with me. It happens even if i'm just being friendly. So I'm not too nice to guys when I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend gets jealous easily and tbh I am too.
I can easily get my means using other ways, such as hard work and being a respectable person. I'm a good friend and an amazing lover, and I would never blur the line between the two, because I know it can potentially become very complicated. Ive seen it happen, heard it happen, been through it.
I also feel terrible when I unintentionally string people along by being nice to them. Especially if they're my friends. No flirting means that it is clear that I would not date them (if i was single), i'm even more blunt and cold when i'm in a relationship. If these people who have crushes on me when I clearly am unavailable, become upset or disappointed in any way because of my relationship, I immediately stop talking to them and avoid them. I don't need them feeling hurt because it makes me feel bad about being happy.
When i'm single and meet a guy I like and see that we would be good together, I talk to him for a little bit and just ask them out. I find that subtle is a bad way to go and takes way too long. I want to find out quickly if I'm good with the person or not. And since I'm so picky, this is the only way to go!
I also find that I only need one person to love me for who I am to sky rocket my confidence and comfort. Not that I don't have any confidence when i'm single, I think receiving respect from people is a better confidence booster than having people flirt with me. But that's just how I do.
I feel like readers have to address the first and second halves of this post separately, because this is a hot mess. Each part has potential to be a decent post on its own, but it's like you took two completely different topics and slapped them together. There's no cohesion, and I'm not exactly sure what your point was. I was reading the first half and wondering how the hell it related to the title at all. Then, upon reading the second part, I felt like I drunkenly stepped into a completely different area without warning.
Editing is a beautiful thing.
Haha nice. I think everyone has their own taste. I have never thought "men only like skinny girls". Seeing as I've had no problems with guys liking me, and I am not skinny or fat it makes sense. Like girls, all guys like different people.
I'm a terrible flirt - even with my current boyfriend. He told me I was "hard to read" when he first turned it from friends to couple (he doesn't really flirt either, so it took awhile), and I actually really liked him. I always wished I could though :) I have friends who aren't even all that attractive, but because they are flirts, they have guys eating out of the palm of their hand.
You spent weeks writing this? I'm still scratching my head. Huh???
I thought this was going to be a complaint about how girls bitch that you're sexually harassing them when you're just flirting. I was prepared to rant about how you shouldn't force unwanted attention on someone and if they politely reject you that should be the end of it....
...and yet the title seems to have nothing to do with this post? I have no idea what point you're trying to make. It's not much more than a ramble, really.
@hellstar0604@xanga - Excuse me, lady. No size is better or has more confidence than the other one.
@hellstar0604@xanga - Some of the most insecure people I know are what society would consider perfectly-sized; supermodel-skinny and far from being overweight. Insecurity has to do with a poor self-image, which is not as dependent upon one's size as it is on upbringing, social interactions with friends, etc.
I am one of those girls who never flirts. I see flirting, in my own opinions, as a way to hint back and forth that you have interest in each other. I'm much more forward than that. If I'm going to have a genuine conversation with someone, I will (which includes nods/chats in the gym - I'm not flirting, I'm just talking to another human being). If I am interested in someone, I will not usually flirt, I will honestly say that I'm interested in them and leave it at that. If they're interested, great and if not, who cares let's be friends then. But not everyone flirts. I dislike flirting and often see it as a game. I have no interest in it.
I doubt many women are this way though because I very skewed opinions on relationships, love, etc. But in my own life, I dislike flirting and I dislike men who attempt to flirt with me. I am extremely strong, independent, and goal-orientated so that could affect things as well.
I flirted as a fatty and I flirt now, as a skeleton. Men seem to receive me better now, skinny. Women received me in both forms.
Either way I have a lot of fun. WINK.
The only time I flirt is when I'm single, or with my current boyfriend. Seeing as I'm now officially single after four years...I'm trying to get my groove back. Haha. Also, I'm mad curvy... and I freaking love it. Hopefully I can find a guy who freaking loves it too.
@chicbananas@xanga -
I second that completely.
Yea this is a jumble....
Sexual harassment line is drawn when the guy/gal doesn't know what flirting is. Doesn't mean I'll throw a lawsuit, maybe I'll get angry.