Sunday, 06 November 2011
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Is Love Enough?
This post was submitted anonymously.My boyfriend and I have been dating since we were 17. It has been seven years and it will be 8 next year. Recently within the last 3-4 weeks I've been feeling conflicted about how I feel about us.
We love each other, and if it were just me and him where I didn't have to care about anything else in the world I would never leave him.
But the reality is it's not just us, there is his family, my family, and our values.
My boyfriend and his family are white while me and my family are Asian. To sum it all up, what our families believe in and practice are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
On one hand, I think his family probably doesn't care in the slightest for how my family runs, but I hate how their family does things. It is not how I want to raise my children, but my boyfriend is adamant about raising our future children like how he was raised.
So I've been teetering about breaking up with him. At this point I feel we are incompatible and in the end it just isn't going to work out.
Do I stick it out because I love him, or do I break it off because we are so different?
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Comments (41)
Your post doesn't really tell us anything about how his family "runs" things. So how are we supposed to assess the problem?
But considering that you two have been together for such a long time and is able to maintain the commitment you have for each other, I think it's something that you should talk to your man about.
The way his family works is probably not wrong. You didn't explain how it is different so I can't expound on that. If you don't concede that his family has a valid reason for the way they do things (being open minded about different ways of doing things) perhaps that is the problem. In a marriage or strong relationship, compromise is very necessary. It doesn't matter that his family is white and yours is Asian. You will always run into Asian families that operate differently than yours. Just like I'm white and always run into white families that operate different than mine.
If he refuses to compromise also, then perhaps you should consider if you really do love and respect each other. I'm white and the father of my kids is Mexican. Our families are completely different, but I never judged his family based on my family. I accepted the differences as simply differences. Two families can come to different conclusions in different ways and still be correct. Good luck!
Doesn't really sound like you love him.
I'm surprised you lasted 8 years without already getting married! i would feel i wasted my time, personally. I remember being bothered by some things boyfriends said they would do as fathers. REALLY bothered and they were just boyfriends, not a relationship of 8 years. Raising a kid is serious business so it would be smart of you to be with someone who has similar views on raising a child. Some people may think it's stupid but a lot of couples fight over how each other raises a kid and it stresses and breaks relationships quite often and by then, you already have a kid in the middle.
You know the saying, "When you get married you marry their family too?" It's very true, even if the family is not present all the time. If you do not like his ideas on raising children or disagree with how his family goes about their lives, I think you should very seriously consider ending things, unless you are both ready to compromise and you two have excellent communication skills.
You can love someone very much but when it comes to compromising your ideals or values and how you would like your own children to be raised, there does need to be more than love. There needs to be a life compatibility including similar beliefs on money, family, sex, and religion. Sometimes even politics can be an issue, depending on the people involved. As you grow up, you'll realize that part of love is also about deep compatibility that allows you to continue and grow in that love beyond just a few years where deeper issues have not yet been breached.
Let me ask you a serious question, are you marrying him or are you marrying his family? But I'm sure when and you he marries you, he's probably going to be marrying into your whole family. Sure your families share different values which ma be conflicting to one another, but why not talk about it now? Try to find solutions to you problem and if you two can find solutions together, than you should try it. If not than find another solution... Nothing is written in stone and even if it were, there's always ways to erase it..
Leave. Don't abandon morales and dreams of happiness, love is not just a warm fuzzy feeling.
if he isn't willing to compromise with you on things like how you raise your children or about marriage & basic things like that, then leave him. don't find out the hard way when it's too late, i.e already pregnant with his child, or planning your wedding. remember the good things about your relationship & take it as a lesson learned. :]
I want you to sit him down and say this.
"I'm in love with you. I'm hoping that some day we'll be married, and I think you might feel the same way. That means we'll be raising children together, if you want, and I want to. But the way you plan to raise your children worries me because of ________. I'll be honest with you, it makes me uncomfortable enough to be willing to leave, for the sake of my children. But I hope that we can find a compromise when we think about raising *our* children. Does that make sense? What do you think?"
And then get back to us.
Love is not enough.
You are planning your future, and need to consider not just what you would want for yourself but what you would seriously want for your children.
As teenagers, love is enough to get you through life, but as adults you are now considering the reality of marriage and family.
Coming from an Asian girl dating a white guy, raising your kid like a white kid ain’t so bad. Think about it, their childhood is way more loving than ours. More kisses and hugs less beatings and studying. Course there are some less attractive aspects to raising your child the western way but you’ll be an Asian mummy. There is no way your bf is gonna say no to an angry hormonal asian lady. My dad swears by the last sentence too.
I’d say stay with him. 8 years is a looooong time to throw away just because you no like his family. If you really are Asian, you should know that in laws almost never get along. It’s just the way of life.
If you're having doubts then you shouldn't stay in this relationship. Love is important but a future with your bf is important too because that's where this will leave. If you don't think you'll be happy in the future then you should break it off now before you end up a part of a divorce statistic and trying to figure out custody of the children.
Id try to talk it out and maybe compromise on your views of the future but if you can't fully agree it may be better to leave before it gets too complicated.
It's very important to find someone who shares the same basic family values as you, but you also need to compromise.
Love should be enough but in real life it isn't. Values and principles as goals and dreams must be similar in order to raise a healthy family.
Love is enough unless you're a tool, in which case it is not.
Wow, I feel like I can totally relate. I'm a white girl dating an Asian guy, and I'm having the same indecision as well! I absolutely love my boyfriend, but he's insisting on raising our future kids THIS way, while I want to do raise them more THAT way. I feel caught in the middle because we're both stubborn and we both feel strongly about this. I feel like our values are a little different on some things, and it shows when we talk about the future. When we're just hanging out though, it's perfect - like we're so happy and it's fun to be with each other. But I feel stressed when I think about staying with him long-term. I just don't see it working when we want two different things in the future. I don't want to break up with him, but I feel like I have to.
Thanks for posting this, I'm really curious what advice people will give you because I feel like what they say will be good for me to read/hear. I hope both you and I make good decisions later on.
You lasted 7 years and you're JUST NOW realizing this? It doesn't seem like it was an issue before....
I think there may be some underlying issues and excuses are being made maybe? (unconsciously that is)
Relationships are about give and take...why can't you both compromise about raising children? I'm sure where there is a will, there is a way. You guys can both have inputs on your children's upbringing, That way you both will be happy, and you can keep them cultured at the same time. :)
If you've admitted to yourself that minus all external factors, you would NEVER leave him., I say ride it out with him. 7 years is a long time together.. are you really willing to throw that away because you're now experiencing panic on how different your families are? If your life goals are similar, you guys can make it. :)
I think after seven years you would be lost without him. But just ask yourself if you can see yourself with him in seven more years? Can you see yourself without him in seven more years? Is it worth it? It's not something we can tell you; you just have to ask yourself the right questions.
I'm Latino. My girl is Korean. We've been dating for almost 7 years. Has your family met him? If no, then that is your fault. Within a few weeks I met her family, she met mine. It was not a matter of I want you for the long run, it was just common courtesy. I was grown up, so it wasn't like, let's just make out in the janitor closet, it was hey I'm dating you and I want to spend some time with you at my house, not just all the time in the mall or the movies. By coming to my house, or I to hers, our families met the significant other. Now her dad pleads her to tell me that they are eating something delish so I can come over. My family has had Thankgiving with her for the past 7 years. She's told me that at first, her mom was like, "why not a nice korean boy?" But over time, she got over it. I don't know what kind of "Asian" you are, but with Koreans, first they want you to have a Korean partner, followed by the next acceptable host, White; anything other than this, they disapprove. Her family is happy with me to the point that her grandma has even packed up lots of chicken stuff, like plates, cups, etc, in boxes so when we get married and move in together. That;s a little too far ahead, but lets me know she is comfortable with it. Obviously I maybe got lucky with my "in-laws", but I'm sure if you love him and he loves you, it shouldn't matter to them and they'd eventually get over it. Just make sure he is not a loser. Part of the reason they like me, is because I have a stable job, make good money in IT and still am studying for pre-med. I'm sure if I was a deadbeat, they'd think otherwise of me.
And I must add, Korean and Latino culture and values are completely different. It's such a dichotomy there.
First of all, love is not enough. I have broken up with people I love very much because they just didn't make me happy. They loved me, sure, but not in the right way. But it sounds like that isn't the issue, and maybe you are happy with him.
As far as the family issue goes, that might be a big issue or it might not be. I know one of the reasons I broke up with my last ex is because I couldn't imagine what kind of children we would raise. The relationship was very codependent, and my ex didn't take good care of herself, and I didn't want us to pass that on. But if it's just an issue of organizing family rules and values, I think the important issue is whether or not you can both make compromises. Sometimes there are a lot of win-win options you don't consider if you don't talk about it. But one or more of the people involved might also be terrible at talking about it, and then there's a problem.
Culture wars aside, how to raise the children is a significant issue. You don't work this out now you could be facing divorce down the line. Talk to him about this using specifics (what specific values and issues you are talking about) and try to work it out. If you can't, get out now.
8 years is more than long enough to decide whether you want to be with somebody. I waited over 9 years to exit a relationship that had wound up going nowhere and even now, years later, I regret the time and opportunities I wasted with someone who wound up not wanting to spend his life with me.
Talk to the man, address your concerns, and if it doesn't work leave ASAP.
Love is not enough.
@lucylwrites@xanga - part of what she said.
if all you're defining love as is those warm fuzzy feelings then no, love is not enough. love is more than that though and it requires sacrifice on both sides. you indicated that his family is ok with the way your family works but you have a problem with his, it sounds like the problem is with you but as some other commenter said, without details there is no way to really judge.
the fact is unless both of you give everything to the other it wont work.
From personal experience, love is not enough. And I don't say that cynically or with resentment. About 3 years ago, I had been with my boyfriend at the time for a little over a year and I loved him so so much. He loved me so so much as well, we really believed and intended to marry and have children together, but our ideological values at the time did not match. We had perfect chemistry, spent every day we could together, we could navigate each other's minds, he was my best friend and confidant but neither of us was willing to compromise our beliefs and values when it came to raising children. I wanted my children to be raised Catholic and he didn't care to, being that he was agnostic, so this was a strain on our future together. After a beautiful but conflicting year spent together, he decided that it was best to part ways forever. He is 3 years older than me, so I at the time (when I was 19 years old) I did not have the experience nor knowledge of self to understand his decision...watching my best friend walk out of my life on an otherwise beautiful day, was one of the most heart breaking moments of my life, and the depression that ensued in both of our lives was a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. One thing that that he had said on this last day that haunted me for a long time was, "when I am with you, everything feels perfect but then I think of our future and I see that love is not enough."
For a long time, I interpreted what he said to mean that MY love wasn't enough and therefore I wasn't enough, but a couple years later life put me in a relationship in which I could finally understand what he meant. Because while I loved this new man in my life and he loved me back, our values were different and ironically, it was due to my now agnostic views and his catholic Faith, and I finally understood that "love isn't enough." We broke up after almost a year of being together and since then I have found someone whose values do align with mine and I have never been happier. I will NEVER regret loving a person, but what you and I can regret is compromising our beliefs just to stay with someone. But in the name of love, it is always worth exploring every avenue before deciding to part ways, you can't regret it if you try.