Friday, 04 November 2011
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S.O.S Exclusivity?
Alright, I need to ask you girls/guys a question on the topic of exclusivity.
I began dating this one guy about a month ago, and every single weekend we go on a date-we've had 5 awesome dates. Seriously, each is straight out of a Rom-Com. We are both incredibly dorky, hysterical people and just go with the flow. Our dates are always a riot, and we always go on adventures. The 1hr, "let's go grab a coffee" always without a doubt turns into a 7-8 hr adventure date that breaks every first date stereotype. Now, on the topic of exclusivity.
He makes me feel entirely at ease, being that we both have very similar personalities (let's just say we've learned to laugh more at ourselves through experience), but at the same time, insanely nervous when I start to think WHAT ARE WE DOING? Sidenote: we are in our early 20's. Shocker? It's been 5 dates in about a month's time and this past date, he finally gave me a goodnight kiss.
We always look forward to seeing each other. Texting has gotten a little weird, and I think it's because we still haven't had the "I like you" conversation and just go with it. It's like those AHEM! *knock knock* "Heeyyy" *nudge (I secretly really like you, don't know what to say) texts. I know the obvious thing is just to bring it up, but HOW?
I don't want to make things more awkward (even though we are dorkily awkward people-in a good way; it exists).
Thoughts, people?
-Freckles
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- From: complidating
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Comments (27)
I asked my SO if he wouldn't date anyone else. He said he wouldn't. Worked out well for me.
How about you start with a "I really enjoy our time together." or "I'm always so happy when we hang out together."
Personally, I'd just come out and tell him that I like him, he makes me comfortable and I'd like to see more of him. But I'm a blunt person.
Find a way to casually tell him how amazing he is.
Oh that's so cute! Sounds like he really likes you. I don't know, I'm pretty straightforward so I'd probably just ask him what he felt. Good luck!
Wow this just hits the dot for me. I've been "seeing" this guy for about almost 3 months now. We've been on a few dates, kissed, and recently, had sex. I introduced him to my friends, he comes over to hang out with us, I met his best friend, his brother, and recently, his mom. We both said that we liked each other but we haven't had the "talk".
And like you, I'm like... "WHAT ARE WE DOING?!". I'm not seeing/dating any other guys, I don't see the point of doing so. He makes me feel at ease, he's fun to be around with, and we just have a great time together. HOWEVER, like you, I'm nervous to bring it up cause it can make or break what we have now. (And we live in two completely different cities which are 4-6hours apart).
Regardless, what I'm going to do is that I'm going to bring it up. Most likely ask him where were going with this, if we are going anywhere... if he says no, then I'll be like OKAY, I'm out but if he said he wants to keep seeing me then I'll be like okay but at one point or another we have to decide if we want to be exclusive.
It depends if you are comfortable, and if its really bothering you just sit down for coffee and talk about it.
why do you need to be exclusive after a month? (or in my world--exclusive at all, haha.) i feel like that's not very long. but i don't see the harm in holding his hand when you guys are sitting somewhere (preferably alone) and saying something like "hey...i really like hanging out with you."
be aware, though, that most guys--at least, not at your age--are going to take the hint with something like that. on the same token, if you go too strong, you're at risk of driving him away. guys are commitmentphobes. biological imperative. don't hate us. if you are going to go that route, you could straight up ask "what are we doing?"
this is what i did with the last guy i was involved with. i made it super obvious i liked him, went out, snuggled with him in public, then we had the talk. it was done. lol.
granted i was drunk, buttttttttttttt....
first guy i went out with, hemmed and hawwed around the whole "dating" thing. we only dated around 3 months, i think he actually only called me girlfriend out loud one time. i thought all guys were commitment phobes. so when i first started hanging w my new bf - and i knew he'd only recently gotten out of a bad relationship, so i was drawing up in my head all these awful scenarios where he too would be stricken w the inability to say the g-word .............
our second date, making out and talking in his car til 2 am, just randomly popped out, "so, you wanna be my girlfriend?" and i was jokingly all, "hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... i GUESS so.."
sooo idk; i think that if he runs for it he was never worth it. but you could give it longer than a month; maybe? (also w my bf, we were friends for about 5 years before we kissed, so it was a little different than if it was someone i just met, i suppose.)
i take those three words way to serious to even think about blurting them out after 5 dates but that's just me. just ask if he's seeing anyone else. if he says no , ask if he wants to. he says no, things are lookin good.
usually I'll compliment the guy a lot if I really like him. so if I keep telling a guy how cute I think he is, then he should know that is a sign that I like him as more than a friend
if he says that he thinks I'm cute, too, then he likes me
if I hang out with a guy a few times, but never complimented him, then he is likely already friendzoned and I just like his company as a friend.
Super easy. Tell him you want to be exclusive. The telling him you like him part is kinda dumb, clearly you do & clearly he feels the same way.
i am going through the SAME thing. ughhhhhh. Except at date 3 going on 4. Lol. I guess I will take advice from the comments too!
This is a good topic... I had the same thing with my current bf, and we sorta never really did have the talk, but we sorta did. We were friends first and moved over to more than friends, so it was a sorta awkward transition, but felt natural at the same time. I just kind of dropped stuff into conversations (and so did he). Like how our Facebooks don't say we're in a relationship, but how it's pretty obvious from the pictures (he's a pretty private person... like I said, we were friends first since freshman year of college - though not hanging out much until January or so - and I didn't even know he had a girlfriend for two years until the topic of relationships came up once). Umm... I guess it was easier for me because I KNEW him and I know he's not really the type to date many girls at once. He actually hasn't used the term girlfriend much, but he still uses the term "couple" and "relationship." After a month or two of seeing him regularly I kinda threw couple-y terms in to see how he reacted. I would say that might work :) I also have super aggressive friends (sometimes embarrassingly so!) who questioned him like crazy. That can be a good or bad technique... In my case it was good in the beginning because they are the reason we started dating, but bad because it can be embarrassing and scare the guy off if he isn't very serious (of course if he is less serious than you, that can be good!) I would say give it time if you want to try that one :)
With my last two boyfriends they brought it up... Actually the last one said it after about a week, "So, I know this is going to sound really silly, but, do you want me to be your boyfriend?" The way yours is going is probably better! Too much too soon can be bad! That last one was a fast burning flame that eventually fizzled, but this one has slowly evolved into more and more. And right now it's long distance and he's only gotten more and more open and affectionate with me. I feel way more secure with him after seven months than I did with my last boyfriend (it started dying after six months), even though I don't get to see him much. So don't rush it! It's better to KNOW him before you make it official that you two are exclusive.
Sorry, I know my responses are always super long-winded :)
You both sound like great friends.
That sounds really cute. Why dont you just casually ask whats going on between yall two? it sounds like things are going well :D Good luck!
Aw you two sound so sweet together! I agree with one of the above commentors that you should bring up the topic by mentioning how much you enjoy spending time with him. My current boyfriend was very subtly charming me on our first dates, dropping small but sweet compliments. If he feels the same, he'll return the compliments :)
well, I'd say, put all the cards on the table and just go straight up. It would be great this way because all the awkwardness has already been dissolved by those 5 dates. I mean this is better than the waiting game and unless the 5 dates are for show then this guy might be totally in to you and just trying to play it cool as well (playing it cool has so many meanings that one of them means, waiting for the girl to confess)
But all and all if there is a spark, why not start from there.
Just my Point of view. Hope that helps.
I completely suck at dating. I have nothing useful to offer.
no need have the talk.. obviously you both like eachother- you keep going on dates..n he kissed you. why not try letting things fall where they may instead of rushing things. if you really need something to know to hang on you might just ask him of he's seeing other people or rather if you're the only one he's seeing. that might leave the door open for him to say something else. but to be honest you say he didn't even try to kiss you til the 5th date.. n he's been working on u over a month. it looks like he's into u and a real gentleman. he probably doesn't give up kisses to someone he doesn't really like. but I would ask for clarification- not on seriousness but exclusivity just based on the fact that it's a sexual world/community out there.. and you don't want to worry about mono.. much less std's.
You've only been dating a month? Why not just let things continue naturally? The need to have a relationships parameters all clearly agreed to and contracted out by both parties is something that has always baffled me. Why not just enjoy your time with this great guy and let the details take care of themselves?
I don't know I'm super straight forward about these things. I'll flat out say "hey I like you". The exclusivity part is trickier, but then I would see how he responds to the above statement and be like "so.... we bf/gf or what?" put your own spin on it, but what can it hurt? You know one way or another... no games, no guessing. I hate uncertainty.
You do not have a problem.
You guys have only been going out for a month, why not just keep hanging out and if things are going as well as you say they are then I'm sure things will fall into place naturally. Just say something like "I really like hanging out with you" or "I always have fun when we're together" or something in a casual way. He's probably nervous too so if he knows you enjoy spending time with him he's much more likely to put himself out there and say he likes you or whatever.
I went through the same thing with my current bf. After about 2 months of dating I told him he should change his relationship status on facebook so other girls stopped flirting with him and he did :] It was a good way to have the "talk" cause if he wasn't for it I could always write it off as a joke.
If you're one to worry about status, just ask. It's obvious you feel the two of you have a great connection. It won't hurt to clarify. You're obviously progressing to exclusive. It's only going to hurt you the further down you go if he's not looking at you the same way. That's my two cents. Hope it helps. :)