Thursday, 03 November 2011
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Would You Tell or Butt Out?
This post was submitted anonymously.Let say you have two friends who are dating each other. Let's name them John and Jane. They have been together for quiet a while and their relationship is long distance. You live in the same city as John, and you are pretty friendly with Jane when she's in town. Suddenly, you start hearing rumors from your mutual friends (on John's side) that he was cheating on Jane with another chick in town. You have been cheated on before and you know how it feels. Would you tell Jane and risk your friendship with John if he finds out that you were the snitch? Or would you let Jane believe that John was being faithful all along in their long distant relationship? Or would you just turn the other way and act like you didn't know?
Would your answer change if John or Jane was your brother or sister and they was cheating on their significant other? If so, why?
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- From: jeezshoua@xanga
- About Me: When I'm aching to reach out to someone, I'd come here.
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Comments (43)
It's their business, get the f*** out of it!
I'd have to confirm before I said anything. I'd probably say something if I was one of their friends. If you're gonna fuck around on your bf/gf, don't be upset when you get caught.
I know I'd want my FRIENDS to tell me if something heartbreaking like that was happening and I was oblivious to it. How could I let my friend sit there and plan a future with someone who is running around on them?
Confirmation is key. Otherwise, it's just he said, she said. If you see John physically with someone else being intimate, like touchy feely in a restaurant, then yes, you should confront John. While both would be friends, I would hate to see heartbreak later on if you knew something was happening.
I would find out for sure first. Then once I KNEW, I would tell. I'm not a huge fan of anyone sticking their nose in other people's business, but if my friend is going around thinking that everything's fine when he/she is being cheated on, that changes things. Plus if you're cheating, expect to be caught.
Unless you witnessed him cheating firsthand, don't go around continuing the spread of gossip and tell her. Cuz what if he isn't cheating? =) And if he was and you were certain, I would tell her simply cuz its not fair.
Never shoot first and ask questions later. Make absolutely certain that he's cheating on her (if possible, texts or photos, etc), or have reliable eyewitnesses on hand to back you up, before you go telling your friend. Also, even if you DO have the evidence, just tell it exactly like it is. Don't overplay the situation, because sometimes, even if it seems 100% certain, you can still be wrong. Let her know what you've heard and learned, but let her deal with it.
why isn't one of the options to talk to John first?
it depends on how close you are to Jane and John. if Jane was my close friend, i would tell her in a heartbeat and i would protect myself even if she gets mad at me for telling her. if it's a close gf, i believe in girl code.
Depends on what kind of friend Jane is to me. If she's my best friend, or even just a close friend then hell yeah I would tell her. If it's just like what this story says, and I was just friendly to her whenever I see her (as in she's an acquaintance) then I wouldn't say anything. But I would probably tell John that he's being a douchebag and would try to distance myself from him.
if john was actually a cheater, then I wouldn't care if I lost his friendship. only guilty people view the person, who told on him/her, as a "snitch." if the mutual friends are first hand witnesses and have evidence of him cheating on her, then they should tell, not me. my testimony, without evidence, will cause more drama and I'll lose credibility when I tell the truth in the future. if it was my sibling or best friend and I was the first hand witness, I would say something about it. otherwise, no.
@superGchik@xanga - yeah i was gonna say that too ... i'd confront him first, see if you can guilt him out of the truth or detect if he's hiding something. then it also still depends on how close you are to jane. i wouldn't let anyone close to me get cheated on with my knowing, but unfortunately i have come across some douchebags who, sadly, everyone knew they were cheating but the gf :( but i've never felt close enough to her or the situation to say anything.
I would find out if it's true first since people shit talk on purpose to get back at someone. If it's true I would tell because I've been in Jane's position where crap went on with My "Joe" & I thought it was one thing & it was another. I dropped his ass & now he's still crying on facebook wondering WTF happened. He's gonna find out the real reason soon. He thinks I left because I'm busy with school.
depends on who john is to me but if he is just a friend and i know he is cheating on my good friend jane i would be the bastard who makes him pay for what he did. cause i would do that thing to jane that she wouldnt let john do. i am just the kind of guy to be jodi when jodi has already been around
If you are just hearing rumors, butt out. If you know for a fact that he is cheating, then it depends on how good of friends you are with Jane. If you are closer to her than John, I would tell her AFTER confirmation/proof. If you are closer to John, I would confront him about it privately.
I would hint to Jane if John really did cheat, but I won't take the risk if I'm not 100% sure. It wouldn't be wise if I just went straight to the point with Jane. Sometimes, in life you have to act smart or dumb in order to survive. Always play the good person instead of the bad person even if it means hurting yourself.
Only say something when you're 100% certain. But if you are certain, say something to John and see what he says about it. But, don't hesitate to tell Jane too. I would be really angry if my friends knew I was being cheated on and never said anything to me. I'd feel so embarrassed to know that they knew all along...that's a sign of a bad friendship, I think.
Unless you know 100% whether or not that rumor is true, I wouldn't say anything. Also, I'd try approaching John first seeing as he seems like he's a closer friend to you than Jane is.
Not if it's just a rumor. If you see it, okay, tell her. If you hear about it, it's gossip and it's not your business.
Ok here it is coming from a person that was cheated on... I would rather know.
If one of my friends or relatives was cheating and I had "heard" about it. I would approach the person doing the cheating first and say look if this is really going on stop it or break up with ____. If not I will not be responsible for keeping your secret that everyone else knows about also. When you get caught it will only be your fault because of your bad decision. ____ will eventually find out.
You need to make sure it is true first and most of the time it is not hard to find out.
Why would you want to be friends with a heartless cheater.
Similar thing happened to me kind of recently. My friend, V, was dating this guy, J, who was kind of a douchebag. One night my boyfriend went to the bar and saw J going around and hitting on girls. My boyfriend went up to J and was all like, "Hey what are you doing? I thought you were with V?" J said, "Hey I'm just trying to pick up chicks! I don't care about her!"
So we both ended up telling V, who swore up and down that J would never cheat on her, and that that situation "happens all the time." A month later she called me crying saying that she thought J was cheating on her and that they broke up.
If I found out my friend was doing the cheating, sorry to say, he/she would become an EX-friend. If I found out that my friend's s/o was cheating on MY friend, I'd tell him/her about it.
I've been cheated on, so I know how it feels to be left out in the dark by the ex and the friends, especially when I was friends with HIS friends. Gee, I thought we were all buddies, but no one ever told me. Then again, they weren't really sure, just a tad suspicious....but still, I'd have appreciated if someone had told me something. This went on for a year..which is what really pissed me off.
Damn I hate cheaters.
It sounds like John is your real friend, so talk to him about it. You probably shouldn't tell Jane if you only know her through John. It sucks, but it isn't your business. Talk to him, though, and maybe advise him to cut it out lol.
I was caught in the similar situation. EXCEPT I knew the girl was cheating on the guy and it wasn't even long distance, I know because I SAW the girl making out with someone who looked like her ex (i knew both pretty well before they became a couple). And while I struggled to decide whether or not I want to be in the middle of this ugly situation, the guy asked me to go ring shopping with him because he was going to propose soon... so... before the guy did anything rash, I told the girl that I SAW her with that guy (and plus our other mutual friends) and if she doesn't spill her guts to her guy about it (TRUTHFULLY), then I'm going to be forced to do that FOR her. She called my bluff for a while, saying it's her word against mine and if she's miserable, would I be happy, blah blah. But she was making a mockery of him and I can't stand that. If she did that somewhere else and I didn't see it, maybe it's not my business and I wouldn't pass along hearsay, but COME ON. In the end though, she tried to "reason" with me that it wasn't anything serious, but when she did tell him, thinking she can just beg through it, he broke up with her. At first, she blamed me a lot. But I didn't tell him. Plus, she shouldn't have been so bloody obvious about it-- making out in areas she knows her bf would go with friends or what not.
SO... unless the rumors are TRUE and you have some evidential support to back you up, DON"T get in the middle. It's not your business. I know, it's different with family members; ie. my brother getting cheat on by his gf that IS long distance, because he's my family and he WOULD believe me if I was certain of it--why would I lie, I'm his big sis--but when it's your friends and all you hear are RUMORS, you should just...leave it be. Don't mention it. Don't hint it. And definitely, don't try to fix it.
I would butt out unless I seen it with my own eyes. You cannot trust rumors.