From the time I was a little girl, I tended to hear the same, uniform response from all of my female relatives about white men: stay away from them. According to my relatives and equally uninformed friends, white men and men of other cultures viewed Black women as loud, disgusting, and merely as "Flavors of the Week" to be toyed around with until they found a suitable partner in marriage.
And I believed those lies for a good 17 years, shying away from intense conversations with men of other races because I genuinely believed that they perceived me as a sort of lesser being that was not really worthy of their attention. I don't even want to estimate the number of boyfriends I could have had but missed out on because of my family and friends' antiquated thoughts on race and dating.
Then, this summer, two things happened: GHP (a four-week summer college program for the top students in the state) and my discovery of YouTube. At GHP, (and Dartmouth Bound, now that I think of it), I had never had the pleasure to be surrounded by so many intelligent men of
all races who actually thought of my intelligence as a good thing and not an annoying demerit. At GHP, I was no longer just a Black person- I was Amanda, a seventeen-year-old girl who liked foreign policy and
Star Trek. Through our discussions about race in our abstract English classes, we all realized that we found each other incredibly sexy, and that the only reason why we had never dated "out" before was because of absurd myths and frustrating societal constraints.
Then, on YouTube, I discovered scores of videos featuring happy and non-dysfunctional interracial couples, as well as videos of white and Asian men declaring their love openly for Black women, but that they were too afraid of being shut down to come talk to us.
To all men of different races: Black women are people too. We have feelings, and the majority of us are
not loud and/or ghetto. That is an incorrect stereotype perpetuated in ignorant movies. Come and talk to us; we're really quite nice.
To Black women: Don't be afraid of dating "out". If your family or friends are threatening to disown you for dating a "white boy," ignore them. They aren't really looking out for your best interests. You never know, Mr. Right could end up being Mr. White...or Mr. Asian...or Mr. Hispanic. You get my point. For inspiration, watch my favorite interracial romantic comedy,
Something New.Do men of other races really think Black women are attractive and/or marriage potential? Are Black women open to dating men of other races?
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Comments (67)
I'm a white guy and I dated black women for a long time and had a few serious relationships too, one that was leading to marriage but unfortunately she passed away. Black women are just as beautiful as women from any race and for me even more so because I happen to really like darker skin. Although I was never prejudice, nor was anyone in my family background, I still had to overcome some preconcieved notions. Eventually I learned that the best way to talk is to just talk, person to person, and not with any preconcieved ideas about females, race or culture clouding my mind.
A lot of what your family is telling you is true. MANY men of other races don't view black women as attractive because of what they're brainwashed into believing by society; and a lot of them (specifically white men) would just "date" us until they could get someone better. I think you should proceed with caution, it's good that you're keeping your mind open, but interracial relationships are a bigger responsiblity than non-interracial relationships. You have to be thick-skinned and mature enough to deal with the stares and comments and you have to feel comfotable enough around this person to tell them about the racism/prejuidice you're going to deal with on your own as a black woman. Don't get too happy about interracial the grass in never greener on the other side.
It's so awesome to see interracial couples. I'm biracial so I just feel baller every time.
All too often, it seems that white men see minorities as fetishes or, as you put it, "flavors of the week." According to my current sociology class, around 56% of people will date outside of their own race, but only 5% seem to marry out. Why is that?
I don't have your same experience/perspective because I am not a black woman, but I can certainly go on and on about "yellow fever." Living in a predominantly white area (there were less than 10 blacks in my class of almost 700), the stereotypes of black women being loud and sexually adventurous definitely persist, and it's sickening. Similarly, I've encountered too many men who think asian women are little more than submissive sex objects.
I'm the product of an interracial marriage and i'm in an interracial relationship so it's hard for me to even fathom judging a person's dateability based on race.
i've wanted to bang a black chick for forever now. i've never met one who's seemed open to the idea--and my friend who was always out with me (and who is black) told me i was fighting an uphill battle. she's engaged to a jewish guy, but it took him 6 months to convince her to date him. at this point i've pretty much given up.
I almost married a black woman, and she is incredibly beautiful, outside and in. I also have many black friends who are girls, and to a person, they, too, are incredibly beautiful and attractive, not to mention with wonderful personalities. Anyone of any color that pigeonholes any kind of woman is, basically, stupid...that or living in some sort of bubble....
This is the opposite but it reminded me of my cousin when you said "if your family threatens to disown you.. ignore them." She married a black man about five years ago. Her parents were VERY upset. Within the first year of marriage she got pregnant, my uncle said he'd never have anything to do with the child. The first time his granddaughter looked at him everything changed. He has been wrapped around her finger ever since.
We're all a part of the human race right? Take off the skin and whala! The same, isn't that amazing? So do I think people should date outside of their "race" or rather skin color, I say do it. Can't help who you're attracted to.I just wish people would start seeing beyond that shit for once. As long as you aren't humping dogs, horses, or any kind of animal and stick to who you're attracted to within the human species, it's all good in my book lol. Well, cept for pedos.
Great post :) Most of my relationships have been interracial, and I basically agree with everything you've said.
I'd type more but I'm tired. :)
I'm a biracial product of an interracial marriage that has gone on for over 25 years now (yay Mama and Daddy!). My boyfriend is too, and some of the stories that our parents have told us about the early days of their relationships are ridiculous. My dad's family (the white ones) asked him if my mom could speak English and at one point, my boyfriend's grandmother asked his dad if he wanted his kids to have chink eyes (she's not Chinese). Sigh
I grew up in the inner-city, so to me, and in my experience, a good majority of black women are loud, and ghetto. I have nothing against inter-racial dating and I've dated 2 black women, but they were the shy, intellectual types.
Let's all be honest here.... most racial stereotypes are true to a certain extent. When did xanga become so fkin politically correct??
i think a lot of the cautioning from black mums and grandmums over men of other races, particularly white men, has a lot to do with history. my family is the product of various exploitative interracial pairings. this sort of treatment was acceptable in and outside of enslavement, and i suppose that the "logic" behind it persists, in some respects, today.
all things said, i do absolutely agree that this type of "black & white" thinking is antiquated, but it's certainly not based in delusion. as for me, i appreciate men who appreciate me, and that's about all it boils down to :]
I'm a white/Latina girl who is dating an Asian. c: I used to just assume that Asian men were looking for Asian women, and that if there was going to be a white/Asian couple, it was typically white male, Asian female. We haven't been together very long at all, but we both really like each other and have wonderful chemistry. I'm also taller and older than he is, ahaha.
Also, being bisexual, I would totally never rule out the possibility of dating a black girl; I've seen some extremely gorgeous girls whom I've wanted to just walk up to and start talking to. I'd date anyone of any race as long as I really liked him/her. Same goes for height! Even if (s)he/s a midget or a giant, if I really like him/her, I'll date him/her. Simple as that. c:
As a gay black man my experiences are weird. My family has always encouraged me to find love with whoever I wanted, no matter what their race was. The problem I face is that when I try to date outside my race a lot of the guys are looking for a certain image. They are generally looking for the more stereotypical black male and when I don't live up to that they lose interest. On the flip side when I try to find love amongst my own people, they are turned off by the very same thing! I'm not 'black enough' for anyone it seems xD
I have lived in a wannabe ghetto area and have seen more of the loud, obnoxious black women. I have had a very few number of black female friends but they were always the quiet, studious types. I'm only against biracial couples because it's always trash I see together and they are always alcoholics/drug addicts or pill heads. I met an addict, lesbian, biracial couple and the black chick beat her gf. I have nothing against a white man being with a woman of another race, I just have something against seeing trash all the time. Relationships should be based on the person. Not the race or the gender, at least in my opinion. If I was single(I'm married), if I met a decent black woman who I got along with and who didn't annoy me (almost impossible in the town I'm from but I haven't met all black women out there) I would date her. It should be about chemistry, not race.
One of my friends (white) has been dating a black woman for two years, he told me when we met that he PREFERS black women because he's just more attracted to them.
I'm bi-racial, so naturally I'm all for interracial dating. A long time ago I used to have a preference for Asian guys, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. Great people are found in all colors.
Even white men are individuals with different preferences. Sounds like some of your relatives are judging them based on race.
You are right, that there are plenty of men out there who see black women as just... women. Human women, who can be attractive or unattractive, interesting or boring, intelligent or stupid. I wish you luck in your romantic relationships, whether they are within your race or outside of it... because people shouldn't be judged based on skin color. I think there is not a single other physical characteristic that says less about a person. Even judging based on weight or clothing will tell you more than skin color.
I think it's just the older generation of black women who think it's ridiculous to date outside of their race. My mother always tells me "Don't come home with a white man", I absolutely ignore her because I have friends but I don't see them as different races.
Who cares what people think! If you love someone of a different race that's all the matters! Screw the rest! :)
My best friend in the whole world is interracial. her mother is white and her dad black. She has never wanted to date black men and is in a long term relationship with a white man. But i do remember in high school she had a tough time finding a white bf.. most of the white guys never took her seriously and i think thats dumb.
but with stereotypes: theres examples behind all of them.. There are white girls who are stuck up and think they are better than everyone, there are black girls who are loud ghetto and mean, there are black men who only want sex, there are white men who make everyone feel inferior, there are asain guys who only date teeny tiny girls, there are asian women who act like submissive sex objects...
from my own experience, growing up in Louisiana/Arkansas...in elementary school most of the black girls were mean to me.. like i did something wrong and sometimes i was nervous that if i ACCIDENTALLY looked at a black girl, i would get this "boo!!!" "why you lookin at me" "you ready to fight?" etc.. a lot of unneccessary attitudes.. but as i got older and everyone got more mature.. it was better.. although there are always the ghetto people.. and the white people that are extremely ghetto are even worse (mean wise)
I'm white Canadian-American woman, married to a Dutch-Spaniard who looks black, and I ADORE him. That said, race and color aren't really the stopping points for most people anymore (7 legal nationalities/ 10 cultural nationalities in 3 generations of my family), but don't blow off cultural differences as potentially VERY poisonous to a long-term relationship.
I'm stoked you're getting to know other people, and definitely think you should consider dating out, BUT don't underestimate your love for your family and friends. Sometimes they come around... and sometimes they don't. Ten years after your wedding, when your parents still aren't speaking to you, and refuse to acknowledge you child while piling presents on your sister's kids, it hurts. And that is EASY to build up into bitterness. Who do you go to during a fight with your current boyfriend? What if you can't tell her what's really going on because you know she hates him for being a different race?
Relationships and marriage are wonderful... and very hard sometimes. Would you date a goth? What about a white bullrider fresh off the farm? You sound very educated -- would you date that white guy flipping burgers at Burger King? Race isn't just about color -- it's also culture, so figure out what you love about being a black woman and why you're so darn attracted to the Indian or Korean or Mexican or white guy in one of your classes. Maybe you'd like a black guy if he acted white or Indian or Korean or Mexican... Finally, figure out if a white guy would just be a flavor of the week for you. Long term relationships require a lot of compromise culturally -- are you willing to make the same sacrifices you'll expect of him?
I go to a really diverse college, and while unfortunately there are extreme racial cliques, there is a lot of interracial dating. I have seen a handful of black girls with guys of other races. I think it is similar to your experience, they are being seen for how wonderful and intelligent they are in a university setting, and the stereotypes are long forgotten.
As a white girl, who likes guys from... "exclusive" minorities (they have parents who are immigrants and want them to marry someone from the same ethnic background), it kinda sucks. I'm getting really tired of feeling like some guy's dirty secret. And people need to stop moving in the US and then having children and expecting them to keep it in the race when they were born and raised Americans. It's beyond stupid, IMO, but I guess I might just not understand *rolls eyes*
Good luck and congratulations that you have found love(s)! That's wonderful. I can only speak for myself (I'm African-American). I love African men, they're simply my preference. I probably would Not date outside of my ethnicity: African-American or my fav. African!!!
This is also a regional issue. I'm white and my ex-husband is Mexican. We were together for 8.5 years and had 2 children together. I don't remember one solid example of racism we experienced as a result of being an interracial couple. There are always exceptions to the rule and those who practice hate but keep it to themselves but, outward showing of racism towards interracial couples is something there are much fewer worries about in depending on where you live. I assume your chances of running into it increase as the shade difference between individuals increase but, even so I think overall you can find safe harbor in more progressive parts of the country and the world.