Monday, 31 October 2011
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Attempts at Friendship After an Ex Gets a New Girl
I drive you home from lunch. You fumble with the radio and I swallow the rising animal in my throat. I wanted to maintain a clean break using "the hot knife". It was a line from a song you played in your room. Did I know what a hot knife was? No. It's about making a clean break, you said.There are subtler movements in which you reveal yourself, and I know you're on your way out. You look me in the eyes again because you don't see a spark in them anymore. I understand what you understand: we could work it out, but we should not work it out. Some things are not meant to be repaired, and certainly an organ like the heart is not a thing that works well in retrograde time.
I've got a silly part of me, though. It's a goofy, spherical element of the soul mixed with a desperate peppering of neurons, continuously firing off of a precipice. It's not all of me that wants you back. Only that part. But it's enough to keep me awake at night, a cerebral writhing in the bed, clawing at dreams and ghosts and demons that you deposited like leaves. You didn't remove yourself as a whole; you shed yourself in autumnal rounds. It was as if you had outgrown a skin, or maybe it was me. Something was an encasement.
Now you've got a new girl. This time it's simple mathematics. She's pretty, she's an athlete, she likes music with interesting chord progressions (you told me I only liked major chords and this bothered you). You said one day you hoped I could understand and look back on this with esteem. Well, that's giving an answer without providing a method. You said, "She likes gender and words and drinks, just like you." If that's true, then I'd like to know, how does it work?
You said you were sorry that I was so sad and this was so hard for me, with that familiar injection of condescension and ego. It was good you said it that way, I suppose. It's good to be reminded of the parts of you that made me recoil. I thought of the time I didn't want to sleep with you when we had first broken up. It was night and you told me I was no fun anymore. "I'm no fun because I won't sleep with you?" I asked. You laughed, a dapper gargoyle thing, "No. It has nothing to do with that. Everything you say and everything you do is boring." You tried to touch me again, saying "What do you think of that?" as you did, and I promised that your hands would be dead to me. You would be a futile venom. You, the stranger, made of a foreign panache.
You asked me, what are the worst things a girl could be? What are girls afraid of? I said the same things guys are afraid of. Death, being alone, unhappy--"No," you cut me off, "tell me the materialistic, in-the-moment things." So what do you want me to say? Girls don't want to be ugly girls, fat girls, sluts, dumb, out-of-control and angry, moody in revolt, impossible to be with, easy to forget; normative, normative?
The wizardry of your words had sustainable roots. Of course they grew deep in the bed. But in the toothbrush holder, the rearview mirror, the cereal cupboard? I was not expecting those. Typical, you'd say. That's you and your normative foresight, you'd say.
Back in the car, you still cannot land on a radio station. The creature in my throat is climbing up, growing fingernails, materializing. The backs of my eyelids are beginning to move heavily with water. I stop the car. I barely remember the time we would kiss before saying goodbye, but your lips used to touch my lips, and your mouth bloomed with mine. Now your mouth exists in some other reference, and only with the other girl. You and I do not kiss. We tend to our own murky fruits. For us it is a wave, a smile, and a goodbye. You get out of the car. "Goodbye," you say, and smile.
I say goodbye, but I am saying to you that this is such a normative thing. I am saying congratulations on your girl, and the next one and the next one.
Do you stay friends with your exes when they have new SO's?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (40)
I have and do, although it can be strange at first. It's worth it, and how could you not be if you were good friends before you started dating? Don't let jealousy get in the way of a good friendship... but this sounds really weird. What happened exactly? It's a little bit unclear.
I speak to a few of my ex's on Facebook occasionally (as in, we'll comment/like each other's statuses sometimes), but I wouldn't really say I was friends with any of them. I've tried to maintain friendships with some of them but it's never worked out.
After 25 years of marriage my ex husband and I try to remain friends because of our son and grandson, and for the most part we have. At times he pries to much, gets pissy when he doesn't like what he hears and I do the same. The next day things are fine once again. Lately however it's been difficult to be civil with him because he is now with my (ex) best friend! That is the ultimate betrayal (above and beyond his being unfaithful and having a child while we were married) so I'm not sure how long I can maintain being civil. I'm not sure if it's jealousy, anger, or a combination of feelings, but it's harder to remain friends with with him now. I see his name come up on my phone and immediately feel contempt. I hope in time this passes because I am happy in my relationship and I do want him to be happy. I guess when the gene pool consists of about 50 people who aren't related where he lives there aren't many to choose from. Yup that explains it!
I've been able to maintain a friendship with all my exes, but I think my recent ex and I won't be friends. I have too many feelings and seeing him with another girl would probably tear me apart. Plus we are trying to work things out so seeing him with another girl would totally squash that idea.
Love is a rose and a weed, it blooms beautifully in our hearts but its roots grasp tighly in the deepest parts of the soul, making it painful and difficult to rip from the earth. That person, despite all their flaws, once loved you and shared a piece of themselves with you. Now that it is over, now that your story no longer ends with their's, take with you the warmest moments and move on, ignoring whatever bitter arrows they might aim at you as you leave. The death of love is never pretty but if you are genuinely happy for them and wish them well, perhaps someday, friendship will once again bloom where this dead romance once lived.
That being said, don't let fond memories cloud your judgment. You broke up for a reason.
I'm guessing this was a different ex.
@nonurbusinessyo@xanga - I agree with everything except 'fond memories clouding judgment'. How do fond memories cloud judgment? People break up "for a reason" and get back together once it's resolved or resolve it then.
The last post made it clear you were in love with that guy, even though it seemed like you were trying not to be. It seems like you just have a raw, cutting jealousy and spiteful hatred of this one though. You've been reflecting lately, no? Was he kidding when he said, "Everything you say and everything you do is boring."? That's not the type of statement I could ever take seriously, it was either a joke (I've said things like that to people as a joke before) or he is a complete rat bastard.
And are you arguing for normativity or anti-normativity, I can't tell? You certainly don't seem very "normal" (that's a good thing) so I'm guessing normative is a bad thing?
I'm sorry, but this was kind of a pain to read, although it definitely cut like a dull dagger ("Hot Knives" oh god, he was into Bright Eyes? ::shakes head:: I never do generalizations or make stereotypes like this but guys who like Bright Eyes... blech terrible)
Write more about the other guy!
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Anyway, I'm only close friends with one ex, and that's the ex who has been my friend throughout the years (also still get romantically involved with sometimes, don't know what our future will be, etc.). He is such a close and trustworthy friend that I gulp it down when he tells me about other girls. Jealousy is something we all feel, but it will rarely do you any good. It's one of the shittiest emotions there is IMO, haha.
There are some people in life you should let go of and some you should hold onto (obviously), I say lose this one and keep the last one. Do you have dark, shadowy stories spawned from thinking about any of your other exes? We now have the penultimate: "I had a dream of you, miss you to death, want you in my bed, and want to have your children" and "You are dead to me" boyfriends. Any other heart-wrenching tales we can squeeze out?
your post was confusing to me.
but to answer the question. i think it's the more mature thing to be friends (assuming nothing really bad happened). however, it's always easy for the dumper to say this, as opposed to the dumpee. i never understood that till i was the dumpee :/
wow I love your writing.
my exes haven't wanted to stay friends with me so far. the first one because I realized I'm not a christian, and he thinks I'd be a bad influence on him (I assume), and the second one because he's a pissy loser. I wouldn't have minded being friends, though I think it would've made the healing process take longer.
Wow that's a new one..." Everything you say and everything you do is boring,". I know I can be an ass sometimes and be oblivious to what I'm saying but I can't imagine a situation where I'm with a woman and I say that to her. How did that get through the mental filter? Probably not much up there to begin with...At least that memory will make it easier to move on, he's a prick, plain and simple.
On a side and completely contradictory note even when the topic of your posts is dreary or depressing the way you write them just makes it so they're far too interesting to not read.
To actually answer the question though, no I don't really stay friends with my ex's but that's because there's usually some form of emotional abuse or manipulation that's been involved. There's clearly been some emotional/verbal abuse here and he is not worth staying connected to. Let him do degrade this other girl to shreds, you can go be happy now.
I LOVE your style of writing.
I tried to be a friend...even to those I've had crushes on. It's just not the same. Especially with someone who knows you so well that you'd be compromised through the natural progression of vulnerability.
Can never be friends with people I once loved.
Yes and no. When my 1st ex got a new gf, I was over him by then and I was sad for like a day when I found out 'cause memories came back but right after then, I suddenly felt silently happy for him. I wouldn't have minded being his friend again though we didn't reconnect 'til quite a while later. As for the 2nd ex, hell no, he got a new s/o when he was still with me so I would say cheating was involved. I did try to be both of those guys' friends, but they were too douchey to even continue. I'm glad I'm not friends with them and it's going to stay that way.
Too much creative, not enough writing. :/
No, I don't stay friends with them. What's the point?
@starrylovah - Not exactly, people often get back together for many reasons without ever addressing the underlining problem, thus they reunite only to break up again. When you remember about all the good times you've shared together, you get caught up in the moment and forget why the relationship was not working out to begin with. This is what I mean by letting fond memories cloud your judgment.
You are a great writer. Respect.
I stay friends with them them if they want to be friends and if they are really a good friend.
Only if they were actually a great friend to me.
I'm pretty sure that silly part of you is called love. I agree that sometimes it feels like it makes no sense. And I just wanted to mention maybe he really was sorry that you were so sad and you just didn't see that. As far as working things out, some things are worth working out and some aren't.
True love is worth working out.
oh, i can feel the dread, the hurt and the ache for the things you don't want to be missing but you do.
and this is prob why almost all of my exes, minus one, don't want to be friends with me after the breakup because they can't handle the thought that I would have moved on faster and further with someone else other than them. one ex that I am friends with though... has recently moved cities with his wife; she did not like the fact I still communicated, and at her will, he stopped being my friend. but now, only now because they're bound to each other as husband and wife, while i am with my fiance, an engagement of my own, only now my ex is openly sharing his email and contact info.
I felt like that when I saw my fiance with another girl when we weren't together. But here we are. Everything we went through was worth it in the end.
It can be tough to be friends with them if they're with another girl, but it's the right thing to do.
@xx_x_beautifully_broken_x_xx@xanga - Heyyyyy! We kind of/sort of have the same user name! Haha. :D
The guy I'm still close with sees other girls, but I still see him, too. I know I'm the special one in the equation (trust me, I really do know).
Are you really that ludicrously jealous that you can't see him with another girl without rashly deciding you two were irreparable?
And that you can't even be FRIENDS?
I see, with this guy the love you had was just some normal thing and all that lasts is all those powerful bad feelings for him, but the other one was extraordinary and will last forever, huh? Or something like that?
Ick. Dull, stale, "normal" love. Worthless.
I stay friends with them if they were a good friend.
I appreciate your new take on an old problem: you want to be friends
with your ex, but it hurts. And nobody likes to hurt in that longing,
"I can't let go" way. The only way I've found a friendship with an ex
to work is:
1.) be in agreement with said ex about wanting a friendship
2.) give each other plenty of distance immediately after the breakup...especially physical distance. breakup sex is amazing in the moment, but makes for tough times afterward.
3.) hang out more in groups.
And frankly? If he was pressuring you about sex and calling you boring, do you really think you want to continue a friendship with him? I'd be a little miffed.
I just have to say your post was astonishingly beautiful. What an enticing bit of poetry to read! I adore the way you worded things,- it's almost as if I could feel the texture of the situations you were describing slipping through my fingers as if the fabric of life could indeed be seen.. Such a pain and travesty you have detailed.
I've been friends with an "ex" (I hope you don't lump them all into one category) for years now, and we're kind of each other's "go to" when we're single, but we're friends fundamentally. It's a really wonderful thing to have what we have, I cherish our relationship very much.