I have a huge problem. And I am not talking about the lack of a job, the lack of a social life or the lack of a warm body to share my bed. Fine, I lied slightly on the last one.
It seems I can't get my egirlfriend out of my head. Confusion currently rains supreme in that little bundle of acorns (i.e. my head). I broke it off over a year ago for a variety of reasons, the major one being she was going to Australia for a year. The minor reasons were our fights, scuffles and the fact that things had gotten very serious at a point in my life when I didn't want to settle down. Fine, the last reason is major, too.
The point is that all I am thinking about lately is her. Every girl I meet is measured against her. I know how unhealthy this is, but I still occasionally flick onto her Facebook page, despite no longer being friends, just to see her face. I try to get a grip occasionally by going on dates, or just exercising til I can no longer move. I even do sensible things like surrounding myself with friends, and distracting myself with job applications and driving permits. But nothing is working. I really, really don't know what to do.
I subscribe to the notion of however long a relationship is, that is how long you will need to get over it. But I don't want to wait a year. It could be I have simply forgotten all the bad stuff, so only the good stuff (which is now absent) remains. I really don't know, but that good stuff is really getting to me.
This is my attempt to rationalize it. We are in different cities, haven't spoke for 6 months, and if I tried to get her back why wouldn't she just spit in my face, laughing? As you may have noticed by now the break up wasn't mutual, and although I tried my very best to let her down gently, to explain myself, to try and salvage some form of friendship, nothing came of it. In the end she still said she hated me. If I try to get her back, won't this simply make things worse? Can I try and be friends again, with these feelings still bubbling away? You can see how confused I am, after saying both "I want to get over her" and "I want her back" in the same post.
My only plan, so far, is too simply call her and ask her if she would like to get some lunch. Just say "I will be at 'so and so' and 'place and place' at 1 o'clock, and I would love for you too join me". Maybe explain that her last email has been going round and round in my mind, and because of it I didn't want to use any means of contacting her other than the phone, or face to face.
Does that sound feasible? Does any of this sound feasible? I appreciate your opinions on what I should, what I going through and what I am. Fire away.
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Comments (35)
let me preface this by saying i'm going to come across as a huge asshole (surprise?). but you need someone to set you straight.
you can't live your life thinking that a girl that you have never(?) met in real life is superior to every other girl. such a notion is completely ridiculous. even if you were still "with" her, you'd still be sitting with your dick in your hand everyday beating off to her on skype, at best. there's no value in that.
it's difficult to know from your post whether you actually try stepping outside your room frequently enough, but be aware that you're not going to meet new people by sitting inside. you need to have friends and a life.
that all being said, i think the fact that you're still not over this girl after an entire year is a bit alarming. you might want to talk to a professional, rather than a bunch of college kids on the internet...
How old are you? Is she back home yet? I'm confused by that. If she is still that on your mind perhaps you are on hers too. Try it. If she says, "no", chalk it up to a learning experience that if someone is good for you, a year in Australia is nothing. Good luck!
I think generally it's best to leave ex's in the past. It's been a year later and chances are you both have grown and changed since then. A relationship between you two could work again, but for some reason I feel that's unlikely. Now this is only my gut talking, I really don't know the dynamics of your past and present relationship.
I do think you should try talking to her again, but just talking first, maybe not jump right out in asking her to accompany you somewhere. I think you should try contacting her again simply for your own peace of mind.
Good luck in whatever you choose.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Wait, I'm confused... he never knew this girl in real life??
First off, we actually tend to remember the negative things about a person we are no longer with as well as the relationship itself, largely due to what can be chalked up to cognitive dissonance. So take any positive feelings about the relationship you have as good signs.
My advice is to reestablish a friendship with her, purely for the purpose of having enjoying a friendship together. If you cannot be friends, how could she be your lover? Every good relationship is built on strong friendship. Try not to stress over any objectives you have and simply try to rebuild a friendship with her. This may be difficult for her seeing as how she seems a little bitter over the break up. But my suggestion would be to rebuild a friendship with her while remaining non-dependent on the outcome and see where it takes you. Friendship should always be the foundation.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - i thought that's what an e girlfriend is. maybe i'm just dumb.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Actually, his statement regarding the duration of time it takes to truly get over someone you've loved he described is fairly accurate. It usually takes about as much time as time you were close with the person. And how funny it is that you asked him to consult a professional, because I happen to be one!
What he's going through is perfectly normal and healthy, and it is quite feasible for them to get back together. The only time I actually suggest making any serious attempt to do it is if the love was there. Don't pursue a relationship again just because you're lonely, only do it if it's because she was profoundly special to you. In such situations, re-united couples are much more likely to be happy and have a successful relationship; and in fact, under these circumstances, they usually end up far stronger and happier than before. If she's "just a girl" to you, it's less likely, but still possible for it to work out. But if that's all it is... why bother anyway?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I think he meant ex girlfriend and accidentally missed the "x" but I could be wrong.
Honestly I think what the heck. Why not meet up?! It could help you get over her or make you realize you really want to start over with her and the feeling may be reciprocated. You never know and the only way to figure it out is to try, right?
Good luck with whatever you decide. :)
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - OH!! I didn't even notice that the first time. I think you are right then!
@reesa14@xanga - @TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - idk, the title said ex-e-girlfriend, and the picture is of a mouse...
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Yeah, I think you're right. I change my answer to... get a real life girlfriend and move on. Unless he met her in real life, he has no idea if she is real and honest. Maybe she moved to Australia cuz she was tired of faking who she was.
Judging by the picture that's been chosen for this and the term "egirlfriend" being used I would have to agree with @TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - I remember getting into things that would fall under the category of "online relationships" back in high school so can understand how you're feeling but believe me when I say that you need to move on. This mindset isn't benefiting or helping you in any way. Plus you've never actually met the girl so you really have no idea what she's actually like. It'll take some time but as the saying goes, "This too shall pass".
@LoveCounsel_MD@xanga - I strongly agree that there needs to be a foundation of friendship but at the same time I do have an issue with going from being in an intimate relationship with someone to platonic friendship again. Speaking from personal experience it doesn't really go well or there's a lot of gray area and lingering memories/feelings that make things complicated. Perhaps I'm going about in the wrong way. I'm not saying it's impossible to have a platonic friendship after a relationship but I am saying it seems to be a rarity or those who can do it are the exception. Thoughts?
wrote a big post and then noticed the "E"
fake girlfriends don't exist. It could have been a man the whole time. Get a real one
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Just to clear things up, Datingish edited my post, so don't worry. The original said "ex-girlfriend" and I was at uni with her, saw her all the time, the whole shebang. The editing totally misrepresented me, so don't worry about it, I would have said the same thing... I mean't the beginning as a joke hilariously.... I have a social life, and I am between jobs (who isn't at the moment). It has been edited to be about something, well, that has nothing to do with me really...
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I am 21. Yes she is back in-country. Different cities though...
@reesa14@xanga - I think your probably right. Just everything I did, via texting and email, just made things worse. And what do you say on the phone to someone on the phone after you haven't talked to them for a year? That is why I thought of face-to-face. Fair points though.
@LoveCounsel_MD@xanga - Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. This would be ideal. She would never be "just a girl".
@malissa1578@xanga - Yep. Pretty much what I am working under. I think it would be good for me even she spat it back in my face... Who knows right?
@Guteman91 - Yeah I would agree, except the post was edited from the original. Read what I put at the top :) I understand what your saying.. To be fair she was my best friend during the relationship. I wouldn't have hung out with her so much if she wasn't. So maybe there is a chance? I want to try, I really do, but I am worried and confused. Of what? I don't know.
@testyman666@xanga - I appreciate the effort you spent on the big post. Datingish deleted the "x" from the paragraph. Must have thought it would be more "interesting". Much annoyance on my part, as I wanted to sit back and read, not get involved. And I wanted to be anonymous.... Just don't get the service sometimes...
I hadn't realized this was an internet relationship either. In such case, I'm not sure if I can provide you with much advice due to my lack of experience regarding purely internet based relationships.
@Guteman91 - It would be difficult for me to give you a simple answer to your query. If the two were friends before they dated, especially if they were friends for a particularly long time before they dated, then usually it is easy for them to become friends again. Occasionally it takes time on one half if they feel hurt. As for the 'grey area' you described, if friends beforehand, if they make a mutual decision to be platonic friends they will usually be successful, I have talked to and heard of many people who have wonderful friendships with those whom they were once in a relationship with. That said, even after deciding this, I have also encountered things happening romantically from there.
If two people are attracted to one another, that 'gray area' is always there, whether they're your ex or just a person (I only use the term "ex" when referring to the divorced in my practice)! Much of it depends on how the relationship between the two began. Beside that, all I can tell you is that it is dependent on a wide variety of factors. But yes, platonic relationships are very plausible and and I suggest them after a break-up. I suggest unless they was serious abuse in the relationship. It usually takes some time and proper handling of the situation to work out a friendship that is only a friendship, but if it began that way, it usually doesn't take long.
I have seen many people go from friends, to lovers, to friends, to lovers, to happily married couple. I know about a dozen married couples that fall into such a description. Interestingly, they tend to be more committed to the relationship once they marry, if they have both made their relationship a priority, as well as some of the happiest (and certainly most passionate) couples I've encountered.
@LoveCounsel_MD@xanga - Again, I appreciate you advice and discussion. It wasn't an internet relationship. Datingish edited the post. I just double checked the original, and at no point do I say "e-girlfriend". Total misrepresentation. I won't be posting again if this is what they do.
@Footballblogs@xanga - Ahh, okay. I'd call her. Good luck.
@Footballblogs@xanga - "Who knows right?" Exactly, even if she decides she doesn't want it or like you said spits it back in your face, at least you tried for your own piece of mind. Whatever comes of it... I have been there it is how I know my ex and I are definitely not meant to be together.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - Thanks.
@malissa1578@xanga - True true. I will think on that. Thanks :)
Well I am going to delete my site now, because I wanted this done anonymously but now it is up. Shame because I enjoyed my time on here, and thought I built up a tiny tiny tiny rep, but hey, it was one. Thanks for all the comments :) I will think on your advice.
for reals dude? it's the internet, ffs. i don't know how much more anonymous this can get.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - People I know in the real world know where this is. I wanted private advice.