I've been through hell and back with this kid that I love and adore so much. But it seems like our relationship is a pattern. It's an annoying patter to point that if I had my eyes closed, I would know what was going to happen next. I love this kid with all of my heart, and he claims to love me. But a little speech bubble pops up in my head, "Where are we headed?" I want to know where our hearts stand. He calls me his girlfriend, and his "everything". I have so many feelings for this guy, but I don't think he understands the attachment I have towards him. We argue at least twice a month until we don't speak for a couple of days. We have uncontrollable feelings towards each other, and we just don't know how to get it through to each other's thick skulls.
However, any time I am hanging out with one of my guy friends, he flips out. That's when the arguments start. I tell him I'm only here for him, but he has his doubts. He eventually tells me what really bothers him, and it's usually, "I love you too much to see you leave my life for another dude". I pour my heart to him, but he doesn't return the favor. He feels that he won't open up to me until I'm trustworthy, but that seems like it will never happen. Whenever I explain the situation to my friends, they tell me to bounce. But I can't find the courage to do it. I'm not the type of person to abandon somebody. It happen to me and it's not a nice feeling.
I love him, and he says he loves me, and our attachment is making me stay. But why stay if our "relationship" is going nowhere?
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Comments (23)
" we just don't know how to get it through to each other's thick skulls."
This is your problem. You should never try to get anything across this way. If you feel this way about each other, there is probably a better match for you both out there somewhere. Good Luck!
Where exactly do you want it to go? You should talk to him about it.
Get out of there. Get. Out. Of. There. GET. OUT. OF. THERE. GET OUT OF THERE!
@Footballblogs@xanga - hold your horses there buster.
Have you talked to him about it? It's natural to be get a little jealous, but if you're not sending any hints that there is something going on between these guys and you've talked to him about it and he still bothers you about it, then you need let him know that it's unreasonable and based on an irrational fear of his. It sounds like you care about each other quite a bit, so keep that in mind.
A major talk need to happen. If you have been true to him and he still can't accept that you are trustworthy then it's just going to keep on eating at the relationship until someone ends up resenting the other. This needs to addressed, ASAP.
You can't keep going in the same circles over and over again or nothing will ever be accomplished.
A healthy relationship is one where BOTH partners trust the other. In my opinion, fighting twice a month sounds just awful. In all relationship, there are ups and downs. But if the ups and downs are CONSTANT then there is something wrong. If you love this guy and WANT the relationship to go somewhere (sounds like you are hesitant about what you really want) then you need to have a serious discussion and let him know that unless he can get a grip on his jealousy, he's going to chase you away. If he loves you too much to see you leave with another man, then he needs to make sure you feel comfortable with HIM. By badgering you about "trust" issues he has, he's doing just the opposite.
@bmillerssailor@xanga - I agree that a serious talk needs to happen.
I also think 1-2 "fights" (by fights I mean scuffles) a week is a more realistic number for relationships. People define "fights" very differently. Arguing and allowing your emotions and thoughts to come out is healthy for a relationship. In fact, I read something that said couples that fight relatively frequently tend to be happier and have a stronger bond than those who don't. But that doesn't mean these issues don't have to be addressed. In fact, it's all the more reason for them to be addressed! :)
if ur waiting for him to become the guy you want him to be or think he could be...you might as well leave. he's not going to change. tell him straight up what u want, and see if he's in agreement. but actions always speak louder than words, so don't just let him tell you what you want to hear and then not act on it.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - I'll have to politely disagree with your statement about "trying to get through each other's thick skulls". I think that's cute, and I personally know a really happy couple who always says something very similar to this and it's just this cute thing they have about wanting each other to know they love each other... they're an amazing couple.
Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double.
Okay, now to read the post...Here it is... if you two cannot seem to communicate with each on a normal level, without upset, baring your souls, and any other overly emotional tirade... what are you two doing with each other? You need to be able to communicate with each without all the emotional ups and downs, without arguing, without getting defensive.
Just so you know, baring your soul and pouring your heart out is not a reassurance to him. He has a problem with you hanging out with other dudes apparently, and while I have no problem with females having guy friends (I have some), I don't hang out with them without my SO. Its a respect level, I guess. I have no urge to make him feel awkward or hurt and maybe it makes him feel like you prefer their company to his... on the same level... he should not be freaking out and making you feel guilty if there is absolutely nothing going on with you and your "guy friends". Have you ever given him a reason to not trust you? If not then it is not your issue to deal with and it is his to own and work through.
While it is awesome to feel love for someone there is good love and bad love... Good love is with someone that makes you feel good about you, trusts you, and is your partner. Bad love is with someone that constantly makes you feel like you are guilty, having to consistently bare your soul to make them feel better, and second guess oyur decision to be together.
Its not abandonment if it is not working... while you need to do what you need to to see if it is the relationship is for you. I lean towards maybe it just is not what you guys want it to be. Wanting a relationship to work and actually having it work are two very different things. It sounds like there are personal issues that need to be looked in to for both of you, and it won't work between you two if you don't address those issues and come to terms with them. Whatever trust issues he has, where ever they come from he needs address for himself (meaning you can't help him with that, unless you actually caused them) and he cannot help you with yours, what ever they may be.
I really wish you the best of luck.
I think everyone's jumping to conclusions here. The first step is to sit down with him and have a serious talk about it.
@EffetteAffect@xanga - I don't think it's cute at all in this instance to say "thick skulls". It is rude, you cannot change another person.
I have no doubts though, that some couple could say it jokingly to each other. And if that's their relationship, then fine. I've heard it said too many times in anger for me to find it cute.
@EffetteAffect@xanga - Oh I understand, everyone relationship are different. And I'm not talking about minor disagreements or "tiffs", I'm talking about the fights like she described - where they don't talk for days. THAT isn't healthy. I don't necessarily agree with that either. My husband and I RARELY fight or even have disagreements. That's not to say we NEVER argue but it's definitely not on a weekly or even monthly basis. We're best friends and closer than ever, been together for 5 years.
Some couples just function differently in relationships and personally, I couldn't be with someone in a serious relationship if we were arguing that frequently. Maybe I'm just spoiled by my own relationship? Haha
BTW, this wasn't mean to attack what you said. I'm just explaining why I have that feeling. :)
Sometimes, it just isn't meant to work. You can love someone more than anyone in the world, but they may not be the one for you.
hey...the title of this blog is the song by the clash from the rock band/karaoke video game
he'll express his feelings and pour his heart out, too, when he's ready. the question is...is he worth waiting for? you decide
it's one of those toxic relationships that you just never seem to get away from...do what you think is best for you two. if it's not going anywhere then maybe it's time to leave and go your separate ways. it's hard to leave someone you love so much, but when it's hurting you, there's no point in staying if you're happy anymore and you feel like there's nothing in the relationship.
I just happen to went through a same situation...it definitely isn't fun when I was so serious with my relationship with him. And just when things became serious for me, he somehow took advantage and thinks I would do anything and everything just to be with him even if it takes my pride and self confidence away, but he thought wrong. I wouldn't change who I am for that type of person.
Thing is, I fell for him, like how your saying you love this dude. But, really if love can define everything then yes, you should stay with him and never let go. But if your just as realistic as me, and know what the consequences will be, then I suggest you go with your guts. You have to know that YOU deserve nothing but the best. There are times in life when you learn how to let go, and that letting go isn't a bad thing. Take everything as an experience, you will only benefit from it for your future. Best regards~
@finding_shore@xanga - was thinking the same.
DOUBLE TROUBLE IS BAD. DON'T DO IT!
On a serious note-- couples counselor or bail. That's my opinion.
Usually the rule of thumb is that if you have to ask the question, then you probably already know the answer. (Leave.)
It sounds like your guy has insecurity issues, which are then showing up as jealousy issues and a guy acting controlling. All of those are bad signs and you can't fix that, HE has to fix that within himself. Good luck.
Yeah, listen to your gut. Ordinarily I don't endorse leaving someone because of some "bubble" saying "Can I do better?" ... but this guys sounds creepy and potentially stalker-ish. "I can't stand you leaving my life for some other dude." So what'll happen if you do do that? He might get violent.
I'm getting a bad vibe just reading a description of him on this anonymous datingish post. Tell him that you want to take a break for a couple of weeks and see how he reacts. Don't cheat on him, just be cool... and if he takes it like an adult then keep him. If he starts acting creepster and threatens you, then call a domestic abuse hotline or even get a restraining order if things become really scary.
Typical response, but yes, talk to him about it. Tell him what you usually tell him, that he is the only one, etc. But tell him this, and be firm about it: If he rages again, then you'll leave.If he changes, then you stay.
Afterall this is the last option. And if the relationship really did matter to him, he'd choose to change. It is for the better of you two. Because it is unacceptable that he rages everytime you talk to the opposite gender, when there is nothing wrong with that.
i think i used to be in the same situation as you. until one day he walked out of my life and just disappeared ):
It's an unhealthy relationship and you should get out. The fact that you describe his reaction to spending time with your male friends as "flipping out" is a huge warning sign. He is being jealous and possessive, and although I don't know you, I'm honestly worried that some harm will come to you because of him. Get your friends to help you end this before you get hurt, and not just emotionally (which he has clearly already been doing).