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Talk about throwing a wrench in things. I now have this crazy dilemma: my ex bf is depressed. Like, seriously depressed. He keeps missing work, which is totally out of character for him because normally he's a workaholic. He doesn't want to do anything, he's sad all the time, he wants to move, he doesn't talk to anyone, he's really depressed. He wants to be happy but he doesn't know how. He can't sleep and he doesn't eat. It's really bad.
And I have no idea what to do.
A major problem that we had during our relationship was that we didn't have very good boundaries, and he sort of took over my life, and I got really mad and we fought about it all the time. When we broke up, I basically forced him to back off, and that was a very necessary and positive step. But now we're trying to be friends again, and it's hard because being friends with someone after being in a serious relationship with them is pretty hard, and you have to keep the lines from blurring.
But when someone is depressed...you kind of feel like you need to give them a lot of attention just to keep them afloat. And now I have no idea what to do. How do you stay involved in someone's life and try to help them out of their depression without taking responsibility for their problem? How do you remind yourself that ultimately, they have to help themselves without feeling guilty? How do you do your best to encourage your ex to get help and to help them return to a place of peace and happiness without overstepping the newly-set boundaries of your relationship?
What the heck do I do?
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Comments (28)
I never understood how one can establish a casual friendship after they had a relationship together.
I was like your ex after my first relationship, though I wasn't really trying to be controlling. I've fell into a deep hole for about 7-8 months after we broke up. There were a few times that I thought about suicide but never went through with it. The relationship ended about 5 years ago, but both of us are still great friends to each other to this day.
What you need to understand is that as much as you want to help them, they can't make any progress until they realize themselves that they need to make a positive change. The only thing I can recommend is letting him know that you are there if he needs someone to talk to. Don't try to force him to get better right away, or else it can push him even further into the hole. Sometimes, giving too much attention can actually make it worse since it would make them dependent on that one person. And when that one person is nowhere to be reached, what happens then? So, let him know that you want to help him, and that if he needs someone to consult, he can talk to you. You can also get in contact with some of his close friends and see if they can also consult him from time to time.
@kev1nccho1@xanga - It's possible when both parties understand the boundaries of their transition. It's difficult, but it can be done (which I have with two of three of my past relationships).
@laytexduckie@xanga - That's something I would never be able to achieve. I'm always surprised when I see friends of mine casually hanging out with their ex'.
Whats the deal with ex'es being friends after the relationship falls to shit?
I don't understand
Unfortunately for you, you think it's okay, which makes you naive and in turn deserving of your dilemma.
You two are NO longer together, which means that you don't assume responsibility for him ANYMORE.
But despite the technicality, you still feel like you can help him.
BUT you can't.
Cause you're no longer important.
Not all men, but some have this "thing" if you're not important to us than we won't listen to shit you say. I think you've fallen into the category of being unimportant.
His depression may actually be because he feels rejected by you and therefore feels like he's not worth anything, in which case, if you go back and try to help him, yes it will get him out of the depression momentarily, but the cycle will only continue when you eventually leave again. My suggestion is to let him deal with the mess he is creating by himself. If you want to direct him toward his family or close friends, or even a therapist, okay, but until you pull away completely and he realizes that he needs to get his act together without you, he will never get better. My ex went through a depression after we broke up, but I couldn't be there for him because I couldn't keep doing that to myself. And, he needed to learn to live without me and without my support, which ultimately I think he has. His depression is not your responsibility. I know you want to be his friend, but ultimately it's his decision to miss work instead of trying to move on with his life.
@kev1nccho1@xanga - Well, certainly, it's not for everyone. Some people just don't want to be reminded of the past, but others never want to see a friendship fall apart because of something that didn't work out.
@dpisawesome - Just because someone wants to be friends with an ex doesn't make them naive. If you choose not to be friends with your exes, that's fine. But cut out the condescending shit if someone else chooses to be. There's no right or wrong answer because we're all not the same.
I agree with @GagaMonster in her respond of how you need to move on and let your ex be on his own. For now, while he's in that depressive hole, you want to help him. You're a nice friend to have, BUT after all that attention and energy you spend in keeping HIM afloat, what is left for YOU to move on, meet new people and focus on YOUSELF for whatever you need to do? How can you spend time in making YOURSELF happy when you're spending all your time in keeping him above the water?
You can't. Unless you live with him and is there for him at every beck and call when he's feeling low, unwanted and rejected, you're going to go running for him because he needs you? You guys broke up. YOU can't HELP him out of this state because you're feeling guilty. You need to sit him down and talk to him that no one is worth him not caring about anything and being so depressed. Even YOU, the exgf that wants to lend a helping hand, is worthy of him hurting himself in this way. Plus, how can you help him emotionally while you are NOT his CURRENT girlfriend? You don't want to do this to yoruself, you will resent him later IF and when he gets past this stage, and when you get the idea to LEAVE his side again, there is no guarantee that he won't default back to being DEPRESSED. Arrange for him to help himself and need someone to talk to; a counselor, and then make a decision to REMOVE yoursel from this. HE NEEDS to figure himself out. He can't keep holding onto you because well.. you're not his girlfriend. You may feel this altruistic reason for being there for him, but the relationship probably did a number on you too, if anything you need to take care yourself first.
@kor_girl@xanga - ARE FUCKING SERIOUS?
You came to the wroooong place to ask this question.
How do you help an ex with depression? You dont. You can support them as a friend but they really have to find their own way. When my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me he supported me as a great friend through my sadness and pursuaded me to live life and to not rely on him or anyone else in order to be happy. Once I stopped doing that my whole outlook on the relationship ending and how to deal with it afterwords was SO much easier and my depression got a lot better. He showed me the door but I had to walk through it by myself. That is literally all you can do.
And as for ex's remaining friends it completely depends on why you broke up and how long you knew each other. I practically grew up and lived with my ex almost the entire time we were together so even if we are not together we still love each other as really good friends because we just have that kind of connection.
I have lived with a depressive disorder for decades. It's horrible. But here is the truth, no one can or should feel like it's their responsibility to save me. No one should give up their happiness or their other relationships trying to keep me from going under.
It's a disease, and there are professionals who can help with this. It's my responsibility to seek treatment and apply that which is helpful in treating my illness. I DO think that my family and friends can assist me in finding that professional help and doing the things that they would do for any loved one with an illness. Check in, help out during the occasional times I can't care for myself, and just be a friend.
None of my friends can "save me". I wish they could. THEY wish they could, but just like they couldn't save me if I had diabetes or kidney failure that took a turn for the worst, they can't save me if my depression gets ugly. If, they happen to find me in a dangerous or deadly situation, then they can call 911 like they would if any ill friend was in danger.
It's cool that you care about your ex. But you have to take care of you and your life first.
I am NOT just blowing smoke here. I am being divorced because my spouse doesn't want to deal with my depression any more. I DID attempt to commit suicide a few months ago. It's not his fault, in fact he doesn't even know.
I am not a danger to myself because of anything he or anyone else did to me, and if I do myself in, it will not be their fault.
A friend called 911. That is all they could do, and all they should have been expected to do.
You remind yourself first and foremost that you have your own life. Dealing with someone who is depressed creates this negative orbit which you slowly get dragged into, be sure that you don't let your life be ruled by his. At the end of the day if you want to help him that is good, but you can't be there to live his life for him, the choices he makes, the decisions he takes are his and his alone. I guess the most constructive way to help would be to encourage him to take more interest in life and other activities other than the staying at home. Maybe taking up a few extra hobbies? Jogging is always good. Or introducing him to some new people, that may always be an option. A lot of the people who claim to be depressed are nothing of the sort, if anything they may be a bit lacking in social communications skills and lack of social awareness and therefore their response to certain situations may create awkward situations which further reinforces these behaviours. Though from your description it doesn't seem to be the case that he is suffering from depression, more like post relationship breakup blues. For that there's only one cure: time XD
Treat this as you would any other friend, family member, etc because he's basically that now. I wouldn't treat an ex any different than any of my other friends (and yes, I'm like you - one of the ones who has remained friends [even best friends] with several of my exes). But how to help him... He needs to help himself. You can be there for support, but you can't BE the support. Think of like: you can be a cast on a broken leg but you can't be the crutch (without a cast, the leg will still heal but without the crutch, he'll fall down).
He needs PROFESSIONAL help, especially if you feel this is very serious. He should be seeing a shrink, a regular doctor, and/or any other type of doctor that can help. You can advise him to seek out that help and if he doesn't want it, then he is on his own and you will have to just be there to support him. You can't feel guilty for it nor allow him the opportunity to abuse you with his depression.
I had an ex help ME with severe depression once. I was dealing with the loss of my best friend and was just drowning in agony. The ex helped me to see that I had to keep going, and was my support as much as he could be. I got the help I needed from a doctor and overcame it. That ex and I became even closer and I thank god everyday that he was there for me. He wasn't a crutch and didn't allow me to abuse him with my problems. He listened, he comforted, and he told me to get real help.
when you figure it out, tell me, and i'll forward it to my ex so he'll know how to help me without the messiness.
I can relate to your ex- the symptoms you've described are exactly what I'm going through. Lately I've been sleeping properly again so that's the only thing I've gotten out of the way. I don't think there's anything you can do. My ex cheated on me several months ago and it still bothers me. There is no set guideline for when a person should move on, some take longer, some get over it right away, some never do. Leave him be. As much as you may want to help, the only thing my ex can do to snap me out of this depression is really 2 things.. either come back for good or stop being an asshole to me in public. None of that has happened so far so I'm sitting in that same hole. I don't think anything will ever change. I'm not strong enough to step past this alone as much as I've tried. He was everything to me and my world crashed when he left.
@ccccourage@xanga - I'm sorry to hear this:( that's really awful, that your husband is divorcing you during a down time, I don't understand how someone could do that to a person who loves them that much. Though my comment won't do much, but I wish you all the best.
@lforletty@xanga - thank you, it's really nice of you to take the time to respond. I reread my post and saw it was a bit unclear. My spouse is divorcing me because he doesn't want to deal with depression anymore. But the suicide attempt was after we'd been seperated for over a year. Iive far away from him, I am just so despondent over losing, well, basically everything. But people always think that suicide attempts are manipulative games people play etc, but I didn't even let my ex or my kids know. I am not playing some game or crying "it's your fault" or "save me". I just don't see the point in going on without being able to be with the people I love. The divorce is dragging on because he doesn't want to have to pay alimony or a fair settlement. That really hurts. I understand his wanting his freedom, but punishing me for having a mental illness seems harsh. He said he wanted to be fair and part as friends. The OP here seems to understand what friendship means. Caring. That is all. No one owes anyone else their life, caring and respect goes a long way.
its simple. you dont. if he's depressed and needs to get out of that loophole... youre definitely not the one to do it. youre just going to make him feel dependent on you and its bad for both you and him. especially after you guys break up because you still have to get over each other and its not gonna work out like this. when he hits rock bottom, or what seems like rock bottom....he will learn to stand up again. really. just tell him, you believe in him.. or show him, but at the same time... back away from him. its for his own good. he will meet a new girl and have a new spark of hope.
Tell him that there is hope and you feel like you don't know what to do.. Tell him you care and ask him to seek professional help now. Community mental health agencies or a private counselor. He needs help fast. If he won't go alone, take him. Could be a matter of life or death.
Christy
You really can't do much for him and this is from someone that suffers from bpd. You can cheer him on but the thing you still have to live your own life. He really has to figure it out on his own.
@ccccourage@xanga - ;( Wow, it certainly does seem like he is punishing you for that.
@ccccourage@xanga - If you don't mind me asking, how long were you married for? How many kids do you have? I totally see what you mean by not wanting to go on with life if you can't live with the people you love.. though my situation is minature compared to yours (not as severe, not trying to be offensive), I have those same thoughts sometimes. How I see it though is.. though they may not be with us now, you don't know about the future. There is always that light of hope, no matter how small, that they'd turn around and come back. That though things seem grey now, it may not always be. You don't know if that can happen or not, no one knows the future. Of course, certain things aren't reversable, but I think break-ups and divorces.. it's rare, but there's always that chance. If I were to go to the extreme of ending my life 'cause of something that ripped me apart, it would be a waste 'cause what if that person came back? On the other hand, let's not kid ourselves._. that's not how it seems right now, it seems permanent and probably is. I know I'm a minority when it comes to the way I think as many people would just say the same redundant thing over and over again like a broken tape "move on, you can find someone better who will love you for everything that you are", to me, it's bs, it's like a sorry prize that someone gives you when you thought the big shot was yours. Sorry for the rant/3\
@RulerofMasons@xanga - LOL 'cause that is definitely the solution to everything, getting laid-_-
@lforletty@xanga - a href="http://www.datingish.com/756167407/helping-an-ex-with-depression/?id=1523229077" class="replyto x--1523229077--x">@lforletty@xanga - You are sooo cute. I know what you are going through. You got to be strong. You got to mature, you are worth it, you look so adorable I wish I could squeeze hug you.
He needs an ear that listens...and a shoulder to cry on....and time to get over you...young boys are just as tempermental as young women are. Given time....and let him know that you love him as a friend and are trying to help. That is all you can do. I know I have been in his shoes.
encourage him to get help, from a professional.
there are also 12 step groups, you could offer to drive with him for support.
Daily excercize helps so you could go running and offer to include him.
That's all friends can do really.