Wednesday, 26 October 2011
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Can I Help Him?
I dated a guy 10 years ago, he was my first love and all that. He lives in another country and I have stayed in contact just as a friend for 7 years with the odd email and phone call, and he has done the same with another ex of his (who is married and in another country).
Now he is engaged with a woman who doesn't want him talking to any ex's as she is quite a jealous person. He said he wants to honor her wishes but at the same time, he doesn't like that he cant keep in contact.
Admittedly I am single and know I should not contact him. But when I spoke to him, he mentioned that she has been and most probably would become violent towards him if she found out that I phoned HIM. He also said that he hasn't told anyone else this information.
1. I do not know how to handle being permanently cut out of his life.
2. I think that there could be some kind of emotional abuse going on.What should I do?
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- From: annon
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Comments (20)
It's been my experience that you can't do anything to help someone in an abusive relationship unless they choose to change things themselves. If I had a friend in that situaion I'd probably just let them know I'm here if they need me then let it go and only respond when my friend contacted me.
Even if you think there is emotional abuse going on, you can't really do anything unless the guy wants you to. He's engaged, and that other woman will always take priority over you. You just have to grow to accept that, let him know you'll always be there for him, and don't contact him (unless he contacts you) because that will only cause more complications for him.
I personally wouldn't appreciate my fiance talking to his exes either. Let him move on, he's a big boy.
He has to help himself. There is nothing you can do but be a good friend. I would just let him contact you from here on out.
Nothing. He's engaged and with her, so really, you should respect them both and back off. Time to say your goodbyes to your overseas friend and move on.
Um how about stay out of his fucking business?
come on, it's time to move on. you had your chance with him..he's with someone now...it's time to cut off your ties with him. he's moved on and he's with someone else. just let it go, it's not going to do him good if you keep contacting him.
I can't believe people are actually flaming you for this. It's good of you to want to help him. If you're his friend, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to help him. If he's being abused and you care abo
ut him, do everything you can to help him, but it may be difficult.if you don't want your long lost love to get beat up by his volatile fiancee, then don't call him on the telephone, but if he sneaks an odd call, use a non-traceable pay phone at least 30 miles away from his hometown, so that he won't be spotted by someone familar, who might tell his abusive fiancee.
Well...from the way you described it, I don't think there is anything you can do, since:
1. He's in another country, so you can only contact him electronically anyway.
2. He's in a relationship with another woman, and regardless of how you feel about him or her, you do need to respect that.
3. As his fiance, she does have the right to have a problem with him contacting his exes, especially since he knows that it bothers her. When you're pledging the rest of your life to someone, it's time to let your exes go.
4. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they have to get themselves out. You can feel for them all you want, say what you want, think what you want, but ultimately, until/unless he chooses to leave her, there is nothing you can do to make him.
If you pray, pray for him. If you don't, send him good thoughts, encourage him to get out/get help, wish him all the best and then blow him a kiss goodbye and let him go. That's really the best you can do. And you shouldn't feel bad about that. Unfortunately, we can't fix everyone (though on days like today, I really wish I could).
If a female were suddenly disallowed by her fiance to not contact her friends, you all would be pitching a fit.
It sucks when male friends are allowed to drop their friendships at the drop of a hat just because of a bitchy girlfriend. Unfortunately, I can't offer you a solution. I wish I had one.
@LaBellaMorena - I don't mean to flame, but your posts are honestly absurd.
Thanks for all the advice so far Its my only console when I know I can't talk to him.
However in our really long phone call the other night, he did say that if I ever something happened then I could always drop him an email which is why I know that he is not going to be able to honour her wishes completely. They are to be married next fall!
The only reason why I cant let him go is because he shaped me into the person I have become today and he was there when I have been completely stuck and dont know who else to turn to (I dont talk to god cos I dont believe in that). He also had a big problem with her being a bitch to him a few years ago and I tryed to help him with fixing things with her. Im not smitten with this guy I just want my friend to not disappear out of my life for ever, as that would cause me greife I'm shocked that with his big personality that anyone who would marry him would have the cheek to ask such an out going & caring person to not talk to anyone? She dont even want him to be in the same country as his ex's (WTF?.. lol)
I don't keep in touch with my ex's, but that's MY decision, and I wouldn't let someone else tell me whether I could talk to them or not. It's my decision, and if my partner isn't comfortable with that, well, they obviously don't trust me.
I don't understand why so many people are telling you to move on. There's nothing wrong with being friends with your ex's if that's what you want to do, but at the same time, I think you need to respect his decision and just tell him that if he needs you or wants to talk, you'll be there.
i don't like my fiance talking to his ex's either tbh. even though there's full trust between u, it's just a bit of an awkward situation sometimes.
maybe just let him know you'll be there if he ever needs to talk but you respect his decision to stick by his other half in doing as she wishes.
he probably isn't fully happy if she talks to her ex's either.. soo..
I don't know him so I can't really make an accurate call on this. Sometimes guys lie. Sometimes they lie to get more attention, and sometimes they just want you to feel sorry for them. Not saying he is doing that, but it is a possibility. Maybe he is being abused or maybe he secretly gets off on crazy and girls fighting over him. Maybe he leads a double life. I don't know. But whatever it is it's on him. You probably don't really want to get in the middle of their problems because it will be way too much drama for you. I say this with the thought of if one of my husband's exes started getting in my way....all hell would break loose. He is a big boy. Don't baby him. Tell him to put his big girl panties on and stand up for himself. If he wants to be with her then be with her and shut up about it, but if he wants to stay in contact with his exes more than dump her and move on. You can always start emailing him stuff about getting out of abusive situations.
Honestly, he's a grown man and should be able to handle the situation. If he lives in another country, there isn't much you can do.
I would probably stop calling him. It's his decision to stay with someone who cuts him off from old friends. Unless you guys are "best friends" (which is doesn't sound like you are, considering you said you only exchange an odd email or phone call) there isn't any reason to get yourself involved in someone else's drama. If you think your friendship with him is something your willing to fight over then I guess you could always ask him to call you when it is safest and explain to him your concerns. He may or may not care - like I said, he's a grown man and he should be able to take care of himself.
Good luck.
If he is having problems with his fiance, then he should man up and help himself out of the situation. She probably doesn't want him in contact with his exes BECAUSE he prob takes time to complain about HER behavior to WOMEN that she doesn't know personally and he has had relationships with. Yes, you two dated a decade ago. You two only keep in contact off and on and if he can't stand up for his OWN respectful wishes to keep an email line open for you to touch base with each other from time to time, then you can't do a damn thing to help him.
He proposed to her. He is living with her. He's getting married TO HER in the next Fall. And yet he can't make a DECISION whether or not her wishes are NOT always first priority, esp. if she's threatening to become violent towards him if he crosses her otherwise... why is he in this troubling relationship? Can you do anything?
No. It's HIS RELATIONSHIP with his fiance. Clearly they have issues. Instead of bitching to you about the problems, maybe he should try TALKING to her. That's probably her big issue; that he's talking to an EX rather than HER about whatever. Let him help himself. You can't do anything at this point, short of making their relationship more rocky by calling.
she's not jealous. its normal not to want your boyfriend, spouse, fiance etc to talk to their exes...you're overreacting and you need to get over him. and its not fair for him to have the best of both world, i.e. you and her and all his other exes. cut him off. and he's a guy. he doesn't need your help. he should be able to fend her off or move away. and if he doesnt want her to hurt him he should stop "cheating".
I think it's time to get out and move on. If there's emotional abuse going on then that's his business and he should be able to handle it