Wednesday, 26 October 2011
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1:00am Ramblings, The Day After Dreaming of an Ex
There were a few moments tonight when my heart was tugged by the kind of invisible wires Jake used to talk about; the ones he said connected people at parties with subtextual undercurrents, or even across wider distances, like state lines.So, in a satirical confessional, in a stare-down of the the bare facts--yes, I dreamt of Jake last night. But even that was not enough to immediately make me sad. At first it was just odd, like seeing another side of the moon. But then later the next night I was cleaning my room and listening to standards like Nat King Cole and Ella and Billie. The music, even the sappiest or simplest songs, overtook me like a thing underwater. The sounds unfurled languidly until it surrounded all of my self and all of my environment, that cumulus nature of music. It filled the crevices of those old places that I thought were erased or dried beyond resuscitation. I looked at my bed and like an echo it said, "Empty. Empty." And I could so imagine him there. I could so see myself through his gaze, watching me as I picked up my summer dresses, packed them in my suitcase, and awkwardly jammed it under the bed.
I missed the security of a presence that I had known romantically for three years, friend-wise for eight, and all that soul level shit that's not shit for infinite years. At least, that is how we discussed ourselves with ourselves. That's what we believed. I become melancholy when I think of belief as something so malleable that time and place dis-harbor it. I looked down at the suitcase, a coffin or a tree limb under the mattress. The weightiness of absence lied down in my belly then too, with such specificity and purpose. It was as if it had been nestled in my thin golden curtains all along. Starting from the place where the fringe is torn across the valance, it meandered down the serpentine way.
I was mistaking bread for a kiss. I was trying to capture the meat of someone's pupils like two birds' shadows. It was a frail thing but it had an endurer's heart, and I felt it pumping for years, tracing across so many widespread veins as if viewed from an airplane. What comes to mind? The black studio theater. The cough syrup. Go Home #2 and the sweater you gave me years ago, which I saved, and the first time you frightened me (your eyes were black, your grin went too far). Your poetry, those words, the timber of your voice--I was honest about that. I always told you how I loved that. The bedroom in my parents' house where I was excited over you and, you know, you know, I cried, too.
Orange goo low as a brow. We both liked The Misfits t-shirt and Howlin Wolf records. We thought it would be cute to the point of nausea to get our mothers together for an embroidering club.
I was a dog circling back twice, not knowing his name. The love, whatever it was, a contamination.
Do you ever dream of your exes? How do you react?
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About the Author
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- From: RachelG
- Name: Rachel
- Location: New York City, New York, United States
- About Me: A recent 23 year old NYC transplant. In college I studied Creative Writing, Gender Studies, and Art History, which clearly translates into a trifecta of professional desirability. I can often be found reading, writing, playing very sloppy guitar, eating peanut butter, and swapping love life stories with my friends due to our plethora of failed relationships. I was voted Funniest Girl in high school, and am perpetually attempting to drop that in casual conversations without having it appear that I am still desperately clinging to it (which, let's face it, I am).
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Comments (48)
Not on a general note, but I did have a nightmare the other night about one.
i do dream about my ex all the time. but they are never nice dreams. its just makes me realize that somehow i made the right decision
The last dream I had about my ex he was somewhere with his brother where me and my friends were and I was yelling at him and his brother to go the fuck away. lol.
I have, and continue to do so. Gets me every fucking time.
and that's why I try to just not think about how things were. The last image before I woke up last night was a closeup of my ex smiling- I used to worship that smile.
I love how you captured that feeling with your words though.
i always dream about my ex...one in particular. in my dreams, he's smiling at me and we're talking to each other and he forgives me for what i did. i always wake up happy and then when i realized it's just a dream, i'm sad again.
Wow, I think you're talking about real love. People don't do that here, you should cut it out before someone ruins it. ;) Sometimes love can feel like a contamination when you're trying not to feel it. But I suppose if you know for sure he doesn't have the same feelings for you anymore then it's the only way... What happened to you two?
This is absolutely beautiful and the best writing I've ever seen on Datingish, and I'm not exaggerating. There's something about this... I can't put my finger on it. The immensity of this dream... the grandeur. This is a lot different from your other posts. It's far more intense and extraordinary than my dreams ever are. It hit a nerve in me for some reason.
My ex and I are on and off. We started as friends, too. We live really far away from each other and we both decided it would be best if we stopped dating, but I can't see what we had and what we have ever ending.
It's as if there's this mundane, 'realist' part of me that keeps trying to shut out my feelings for him since we live so far apart and we both try to act so jaded about it-- but with every tear from my eyes, whether it’s about him or not or whether from laughter over how unbelievable we were or sadness over how unbelievable we were... either one mixed with all of the uncertainty and all of the memories and it's just so much that I don't know whether to laugh or to cry or try to write it off as something that it isn’t. Sometimes it’s all too much for me, but it doesn’t feel wrong… it somehow feels right. Like there actually are real, tangible people in this world who are soul-mates. In my dreams, it’s as if we’re entities linked indelibly in some place of astral importance that I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF I BELIEVE IN BUT IT’S THERE. That soul-mates aren’t just the dreams of silly little girls, like I have one and they just aren’t anything like what you hear about how they should be.
It’s like we have our own spot in eternity and we kick it there all the time and high-five and cuddle and he can still hold me and make love to me no matter where or what we are.
His hands. I dream of his hands. The way they knew every little spot of my body. The way they melded with me till I melted. The way every little curve and contour was meant for his hands to glide upon my goosebumps until there were no more places to unfurl, not another spot I could let my very substance pour out of.
And then I wake up and shake my head like it’s nonsense. I try to tell myself "they're mushy dream-feelings, not reality"..then I remember we really reached those place, where you feel you're halfway dreaming… and when I have remembered a dream with him it’s so mixed with reality that sometimes I can’t tell which is which. It’s all so warm and mucky and embarrassingly intimate, like wetting your bed when it’s cold and you’re eight years old, or eighty on your death bed shrugging at the grimness of the reaper.
His was the only time I have ever felt truly entwined in an embrace; and those hands spread to his soul and infinitely further and would support me like some kind of divine foundation that knows no bounds and will never end—but started at the curve of my lower back. But no one’s “meant to be” right? That’s what everyone says. That’s what I say. In a reality more acute and aware than reality itself seems to be, I know there is a place for us that defies infinity in its aeons, that knows what we are far better than either of us idiots could ever comprehend.
We were both just too young for it, right? All these feelings can’t be healthy right? I can’t even consider that idea, because he’s with me no matter what, even if he’s not here… And even though that’s true, the pain is bittersweet because I know that whatever happens, this love will last far beyond our measly little life-spans.
And this is the longest comment ever... I could keep going, but what worries me the most is that I'll never stop because our love has nothing to do with time. The only thing I worry about is that our frail, human bodies do.
I'm sorry I'm not as good of a writer as you are. I really liked this, please post more like this please please please.
I dream about my ex waaaaaaay too much, actually. It leaves me frazzled, confused, and quite sad. He was the one person I truly loved with all my heart, and soul. And for some reason, I Still am not 100% over it. Which makes no sense, cause we broke up 4 Years ago.... makes me feel like a crazy person. *sigh*
the meat of someone's pupils sounds disgusting>_<
I dreamt about him dancing but he doesn't know how to dance in real life. I watch too many taeyang music videos and the dancing must've crossed over and maybe I secretly wish that he could dance like that.
Can I just say, quite bluntly, "Holy shit this was good!"
It's a slightly depressing topic but it's so well written that it's difficult not to enjoy it on some level, but I digress.
Unfortunately as I have never experienced what I would consider to be "Real Love", I've just had teenage, puppy dog love, I can't give too much input into this.
At the moment though I do find myself dreaming of one woman in particular on a fairly consistent basis. My friends majoring in Psychology will probably tell me something along the lines of that's it my subconscious projecting my desires on some level, that she isn't all that significant. However, I wonder as to how valid that statement is and how much emotion comes into play. I'm definitely going on a tangent though.
I have had one or two dreams of my first ex and all I really do is wake up, shake my head for a few moments and then wonder to myself, "What the hell just happened?!". Then a few minutes later I shrug it off and the thoughts dissipate.
I dreamt about both exes soon following the breakups, and occasionally they'll show up as bit parts in other dreams, but they're always caricatures of their real-life selves. With the exception of one dream soon after my first ex and I broke up, I've never dreamt of them in a longing kind of way. In general--although the second guy was a good guy, overall, and I hold no hard feelings toward him--there's just relief that I am no longer with either one. Neither was a great fit for me.
-Katie
@JunkheadRedd@xanga - Likewise. A night of restless sleep + a complimentary mindfuck to carry around with you the next day.
Sometimes they're just bizarre (as dreams often are) and sometimes they're sexual. Either way I wake up in a cold sweat. How do I react? Either weird feelings along with longing or just wanting him in my bed having sex with me, holding me, or touching me. Once I woke up to a dream of him, didn't open my eyes, imagined he was there and had one of the most amazing orgasms I've ever had from masturbation in my life.
YOU ASKEDGreat post, by the way. One of the most interesting I've read on Datingish.
@FreeAsTheSea - now THAT'S a comment! ;) Should be a post of its own. Honestly incredible. I can't believe you wrote that in a comment box.
The meaning of most all of the symbols you described in this dream are textbook obvious when looked at from a dream analyst's angle. Is it only distance that's keeping you two apart? It certainly doesn't seem to be doing a good job at doing so. If nothing else, are you two still friends? If I was close friends and then someone's lover for eight years, I'm not sure I could ever leave that relationship behind, especially if I was having dreams that point quite clearly to your fear of loss and change in the relationship with a loved one (the object of desire is clear here). Along with that, one of the most powerful images here is generally associated with a desire to bear his child (and the current lack of said child).
I do hope you're alright. Is there any way you can contact him? This sounds like a powerful dream, and it's certainly laden with symbols associated with lack, loss, fear, and desire. Your unconscious is telling you something, I don't think you should ignore it. You are being strongly affected by either having lost him entirely or that you may lose him. I suggest you take hold of the power of your unconscious and try to redevelop your relationship with him if you can, in any way you can, and do it quickly. This dream suggests urgency.
This was the most compelling, beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read on this website undoubtedly, and beyond that, one of the most beautiful things I've read in a long time. But this dream is telling you something and the action it seems you should take in your life is to redevelop your relationship with him, even if it's only friendship, although your dreams have a lot more to say than that. I hope that's still possible. If he was your friend for eight years, he'd have to be a really awful person to just cut off communication with you.
And thank you for posting this. It is astounding. I hope you are well.
xoxo
@Youcantsavemenow13@xanga - 4 years is nothing, it will carry on for a lot longer
You have to learn that though the dream may be really really good, it's not reality and their personality is way WAY different in real life.
i had a dream that my ex started popping his collar and wearing diamond studded sunglasses....which wasn't him in the least, and still isn't. wasn't sure what to think about it. but whenever he shows up in my dreams, he always tries to get back together with me.
ugh, i hate dreaming of my ex's. it's the worst. for some weird reason i feel guilty afterwards too.
@starrylovah - ha...I tried that after I broke up with my ex and I ended up crying and not horny any more cause I missed him so much. ;P
I know exactly what that feels like...
I've always wondered about my dreams about other guys. It makes me feel guilty when I wake up even though I know I shouldn't feel that way. In all my dreams though, I at some point realize its wrong to be doing whatever I was doing in the dream with this other guy. Sometimes it was with a guy I liked before, or one I dated or sometimes just some random friend I thought was cute. We wouldn't be doing anything dirty or even kissing, but we'd be with each other and hanging on each other in the wrong way. And there would come that point in the dream where we're supposed to go off together to do something... and then I'd stop and think, 'wait! I have a boyfriend! What am I doing???'
There were also dreams I had where my boyfriend and I were fighting, or he had cheated on me, or something bad had happened. I actually rarely had dreams of us together that are happy.
I always wonder if this means anything... and sometimes these dreams throw me off for the whole day...
@youholdthewater - this is true, I know just a little bit about dream analysis and all of these things are true.
@annon - your unconscious and your dreams are just as much a part of reality as the waking state. Often what we consciously think, do, or say is contradictory toward what we unconsciously actually feel. The symbols in her dream certainly suggest that she feels strong regret and fear of loss in/of a relationship, and worried she's lost the chance to be the mother of his child.
i have dreams of my very melodramatic ex.... esp if i thought i had seen his doppleganger or something.... then the dream is very much vivid, much more than i usually dream. and it confirms EVERYTHING... we dated during an uncertain time... and no matter what ive done, what he could have done, we would have broken up. it was just too hard. and it makes me very happy to be with my fiance because he has all the best qualities of my ex and none of the bad qualities of him. :) it makes me glad but duration of HAVING the dreams are never nice. it makes me worried. anxious. scared. running from someone. hiding. dark. very gloomy.
except it wasn't ALL bad. i think my brain kept the worst stuff tucked away for such remembrance like these.
This was so beautifully written. I can really feel the immensity of the love you had. I've dreamt of my ex often for a year now since we broke up. I tend to feel them as 'closure' dreams, advancing through the stages with each one. I always wake up uneasy, a sad feeling in the stomach, and a little betrayed by my mind for still thinking of him. It's funny how certain dreams can linger with us for days.
When I dream of an ex, one recent and who I miss beyond words, I calling it a nightmare. The dream is so sweet, and when I wake up, I start to cry, just like I would from a frightening dream.
@starrylovah - Your
comment reminds me when I was in love with someone across the country. I
used to get sleep paralysis often (still do sometimes) and I learned to
push past it a bit and making it more a lucid dream, where I would
making him appear and try to make him seduce me. I don't think I got any
legitimate sexual satisfaction out of it though. I never do, even when I
have sex in a dream. Psh.