I know that for me, one of the silver linings of a break up is if your ex's next relationship is a downgrade. Maybe that is mean, but I know I'm not the only one who does this. Well, recently I've started dating a really great guy. He's cute and he's sweet and he really seems to like me. However, his dating history is full of really beautiful women, including his most recent ex who is drop-dead gorgeous.
Not that I lack confidence in myself, but I really feel like I'm his downgrade. I do actually think we're in the same league, but based on every picture I've seen of his ex-girlfriends and every story I've been told, he is very accustomed to smart, beautiful women. Things with him may be going well now, but I'm worried that in the future I might develop some confidence or jealousy issues.
Have you ever had this experience? What do you do if you're the downgrade?
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Comments (63)
I do not compare myself to previous relationships because I don't see the point. If the person is with me, then the message is clear that he does want to be with me. If he can and wants someone better, then he would get whoever that is and wouldn't be with me, would he?
Oh wow. That's fucked.
Are you basing the downgrade on looks alone?
What if he just likes you for who you are? Even if you aren't as beautiful? Is that so bad? Isn't that what people want? To be loved for who you are? You should just get over it, unless you want to make a mountain out of a molehill. Or maybe try to gain some more confidence!
I don't know how to phrase anything I'm about to say, so it'll probably come across as offensive. I feel like since you're fixated on this, you most definitely have some sort of insecurity. Or you're just really shallow and competitive with females. But most importantly of all, you just need to talk to him about it. I've been with guys and have said, "Look, I know it's stupid but I feel like your exes are way prettier than me and I just needed to vent that thought." Then later on you can just joke about it.
I think that if you think your the downgrade, you need to search inside yourself... Stop comparing yourself ot his ex-girlfriends, tey are exes for a reason. If he is with you he wants to be with you. All you will do is cause issues for yourself and in your relationship if you continue with this train of thought. This problem is your own personal problem, not his or theirs, so you have ot figure out where it is coming from inside of oyu because it sounds like maybe jealousy is already there if you are thinking you are a downgrade because of looks or intelligence, you are adorable and it seems intelligent, as well. What do these other women have that you don't? I would say not much.
umm i have probably been thru this.. or more like i wasn't quite sure if i was making the right decision about choosing the person for me. he in return became my best friend and i wasnt quite attracted to him
I agree with the other posters. I have never felt like a downgrade or an upgrade in a relationship. I just felt like myself and I didn't worry about past relationships unless the guy seemed fixated on them. If he was, it was easy enough for me to find someone that wanted to be with me.
Nah I never compared myself. =) I guess I could have but no point. Though I did to their celeb crushed but come on, who can compete with make up artists and stylists who prepare them for everything lol.
This is what happens when you put too much emphasis on looks. I've read the saying and seen the mems where girls would say, "I was sad...Until I saw his new girlfriend". Don't worry about why he was with those other girls, you have different characteristics that appeal to him which is why he's with you.
don't look at yourself that way. he probably thinks you're beautiful too and that's why he's with you. just bc someone has the looks, doesnt mean they have the heart or the same personality as yours. don't worry about it too much.
It means to him you are as beautiful or he has become less shallow or your personality makes you as good as these girls were. That's the psychology behind it. I know - it means there is hope for anyone. And I see examples of this all the time - a really attractive guy with an average looking girl (usually who is full of confidence and being themselves).
Chances are he finds certain things about you very very attractive - that you may not. These things combined with positive things about your personality can actually make him want to be around you more than someone that just has good looks.
You have to remember that there are things about you that are not like any other girl. You are special. If you forget this - you can drive yourself insane over jealousy and you might even drive him away by your behavior that stems from jealousy.
Don't go by leagues. There is no such thing. If he really likes you for who you are and enjoys being around you, you are no downgrade.
In my case...I KNOW I'm a downgrade. -.- He's told me himself, basically, how much better his most recent ex was than me. She's more caring, sacrificed more, was more thoughtful, was talented, had the "perfect boobs", all kinds of crap. And she and I are on TERRIBLE terms, so hearing my boyfriend say these things is about a million times more hurtful than I think it normally would be.
And there's another girl he used to date who he claims is the only one he ever loved (we've been together for 5 years and he's NEVER said the "L" word to me) and is the "most beautiful girl he's ever been with". Considering he said that to me WHILE we're in a relationship, it obviously includes me.
I usually deal with it by being depressed and crying when no one's looking. Yeah.
-.-
I hate my life.
@Moonquake@xanga - time for a new bf!!
He's with you, not them. Thus, he wants you more than them. So you should be proud.
People need to stop comparing themselves to past partners that their SO had and instead focus on what they can do to make the relationship flourish.
Baaaaaaarf.
@PunkRockCowboy@xanga - Not always true.
Everybody has this thought that just because someone is with you, then that means they want YOU. But that's wrong, sometimes a person will be with someone for many reasons besides the simple fact that they like the person. I've heard of people dating someone because they feel bad for the person, they are in need of a rebound, they just want sex, they are bored with their life, the person they really wanna be with doesn't/can't be with them, etc.
@Moonquake@xanga - Your boyfriend sounds like a big douche bag. Cut your losses and find someone who actually cares about you. (If he did, he would never even think of saying such hurtful things.) How would he feel if you told him that your ex was well endowed and had the perfect body? He'd probably feel like shit.
@Moonquake@xanga - Er, you need to ditch him. Clearly he doesn't appreciate you.
As for the OP, they are his past, you are his future. Unless he is acting like Moonquake's douche bag of a boyfriend, you shouldn't see yourself as a downgrade. If he is treating you like that, screw him. Sometimes I feel like I "downgraded" with the guy I'm seeing now because there isn't as much as intense physical chemistry, but I keep reminding myself WHY things didn't work out with the last guy and why this guy is not a downgrade. I would never even dare to say "well, the last guy I was with was a better kisser and was better as pleasuring me", though it's true. All it would do is make him feel like shit and completely disregard how he is an improvement (we have much better conversation, he treats me well, he is willing to go out and actually do stuff). So sure, maybe you are a downgrade in some areas, but you are probably an upgrade in areas many of these women were lacking for him.
He probably views you as a beautiful lady too. Focusing on ex's will never do you any good. Keep that in mind or you'll be sabotaging yourself.
if he's telling you stories about his ex,etc, then that is probably a red flag that he isn't completely over her. maybe, maybe not, but if you just saw her pics from her facebook or wherever and found out what his ex looks like via that way, then don't just think about her looks, but they broke up for a reason, and their personality is likely incompatible or some other reason, so looks matter but not that much when it comes to being a couple. my guy often tells me how wonderful he thinks I am and how much he is attracted to me, so if he's being inconsiderate or unappreciative, then reevaulate things.
@Moonquake@xanga - im sorry you are going through that crap .. please leave him for ur own good . i am sure u are beautiful but there is something seriously wrong with that prick (no offense to him) u deserve someone who thinks ur beautiful and loves YES LOVES you
@Moonquake@xanga - Dude, that is so sad. Leave him. He's being a total douche, and he obviously would rather be with anyone else than you. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want you? And you could do SO much better.