Saturday, 22 October 2011
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Relationships and Quitting While You Are Ahead
Nobody likes any kind of break-up and everyone hates a messy break-up.
There are a lot of things or situations in life that give us that certain feeling, the feeling of squeezing out the last drop, knowing there soon will be nothing left but to toss it in the bin.
My mom always said that you should never leave a man or any situation until every single bone in your body is completely done with it. This is the only way you will never even consider taking a short walk back memory-lane, when you´re done, you have to be all done!
But when are you truly done? Should relationships be treated like favorite shoes and worn till every stitch has loosened up or should they be appreciated enough to be put away in time, in peace while they are still in good shape and still capable of being adored for the happiness they brought
Sometimes you see a relationship falling apart piece by piece or maybe it was never even built right and you are only starting to accept it and so you are forced to question whether you should quit while you are ahead, before the boat completely sinks, while the good memories are still intact.
It's a bittersweet decision and I´ll swallow the bitter so I can remember the sweet
But when you love someone, you don't want to ever completely lose him or her, even if it means letting them go before the candle has finally blown out.
I don´t want to end up hating someone I love in order to be sure I tried my best to make it work. I don't want to feel disgusted every time his face pops up on my wall, just to know that I had squeezed all the drops out. I still need to be able to see him as the great person I fell for, to still be amazed at his smile and feel the warmth in his embrace … even as just a friend.
But do you end up regretting too much if you don't stick it out until every bone in your body is fed up? See that's the part I'm not too sure about but in the long run, I would rather regret that than not trying to save the beautiful parts of ‘us’ that are left.
What are your views on this? Quit before the big fall or stick it out until the bittersweet just becomes bitter and there is nothing left to contemplate about?
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- From: Maesworld@xanga
- Name: Maesworld
- About Me: There is a reason for every season,.. what can i say? I'm still waiting for the perfect sentence.
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Comments (40)
Very very hard decision. Ideally, you want to break up before it all crumbles. Break up as soon as you know that it is not going to work. My ex worked me until the last drop. She wasn't in love with me in the last year before we broke up. She was with me because she didn't want to be alone. When we broke up, it was ugly in the sense that we had both changed and saw each other differently. As messed up as I was though, I still prefer to be with her until the end. At least there was an end, and that's all I'm happy for. Sorry I don't have a legit answer for you.
I think, when you really love someone, you want to get out when you realize your on your last leg. I wouldn't say stay until you start to resent them but leave when you feel like you can't possibly give any more and when the other person obviously feels the same.
That's a tough decision, though. I think, if my husband and I ever started getting unstable, I would try to work it out in every way possible before I gave in and we split. BUT, I would make sure I didn't stick around long enough for resentment to set in. You know?
This really is a difficult decision, and not one I have a lot of experience in.. The only thing I can say, is it can be dangerous to leave unfinished business. I ended up going back to one of my exes, and although we were happy again for a while, it wound up crashing and burning even worse the second time around.
wow. this hit home. I stayed with my now ex-husband till every bone in my body was ash and every bit of muscle in my heart had been torn apart and sewn back up. From the moment I knew we would never make it till the divorce papers were final, the only thing that changed was my age and that of our daughter's. We were all ten years older and I was "none the wiser."
Now, I still stay in relationships too long, but not that long! I analyze the hell out of relationships and try to read the writing on the wall before it even becomes a coherent sentence. If there are things about us -- as in communication style, lifestyle, or culture -- that are ultimately incompatible, I look for a backup plan and/or find the door. This might sound harsh. I have learned things from my post-divorce romances, and have even had my heart broken a few times, but I still wish they were shorter, rather than longer. tick tick.
Stick it to the end until it gets so bitter that it makes you realise that they are not right for you...
Good question. It is way too difficult to leave when there are still good memories, even though you really should leave at that time.
My ex was verbally abusive, arrogant, and just plain nasty to me, and I stayed with him for 3.5 years - until, as you put it, I was just done. I was so done by that point in time, that as he begged and pleaded with me not to break up with him, all I could do was think how pathetic and annoying he was and how I couldn't wait to get him off the phone. That might sound cruel, but it was a huge step for me after all the emotional abuse I endured for the previous few years because I had convinced myself he was actually a good person.
In short, yes, sometimes you need to stay until you can't stand the other person anymore. I can honestly say I never looked back.
One of the best discussion posts on datingish. Good question. It depends on the situation I guess for me.
@Flashy_Starter - thats not entirely true if the person doesn't feel the same anymore..
This is pretty legit, although you definitely sound very young. If you stop things when they're not going well, it makes it more possible to get back together again later.
if it's something that's definitely not right and you can't go on then quit while you're ahead. if not, then try to stick it out to see if there are any changes that can be made and then try to work it out.
Don't make it work just to work. Find your own happiness and everything else will follow.
I think that it's better to break it off sooner than later. less pain
Wow this is such a great discussion. I think there are two sides to this. It depends on the person, the time, the place, the situation, and the reason. The last person I broke up with I tried so hard to make it work & kept fighting until it was impossible and ugly. So yeah I can't stand the guy anymore, I don't ever want to see his face and I still am having a hard time forgiving him. But I like knowing that I gave it my all, I have no regrets in terms of not saying or doing anything, and I always acted in the best way I could.
I think so much of this depends on the maturity of both parties. At the time I don't think either of us would have been mature enough to handle the situation in a better way. Because even after things ended, when I saw him again he tried to make a move on me. We wouldn't have been able to walk away from something that still had a bit of 'what-if'. It was better to just walk away from each other completely.
When I read this and think about relationships I have now, I try to build them all up on respect and honesty. And try to be friends with the person first. So since we originally had a friendship, even just on the short-term.. it's best to break off a relationship before it gets messy. I don't want to hate any more people in my life.
@nyfemme@xanga - exactly! find the beauty in the ending and appreciating that you KNOW what you want (or even that the other person knows what they want) and move on. There are so many amazing people out there that you can grow and learn from, why commit to someone you know isn't right for you?
@Flashy_Starter - this isn't true....
i always cut off relationships pretty early; i don't see the point in becoming 'attached" to people. i don't like codependency.
@intothealways@xanga - attachment is not codependency. wow.
Stick it out. From past experience, if any part of you is thinking "this isn't working..." it will continue not working unless you change your mindset that it could work. However, if you stick with it then in the end, if it doesn't work out, it's mutual because both of you have tried to work it out. If you just quit, it is upsetting for the other side and for yourself in that you won't know what would have happened. Things could work out if both parties work at it.
I quit a relationship thinking that it wouldn't work, and now though I have a new bf that I love dearly, I still think about what could have been and how my life may have been different now if I had not quit. and you don't want to think about it, so don't quit!
I think there's something about the relationship, about that person whether or not you're compatible through a potential conflict.
After you know it won't, it's best to break up then and try to rescue whatever friendship there is. I know it's the "just friends" excuse, but it's best to stop while you're ahead.
I can't tell you for sure which way is better. I like/dislike both options.
However, in my personal experience... The ones that ended messy and bad were the ones that made me stronger in the end, made me move ahead, and made me never regret leaving that relationship. I was angry for awhile and hated the guy, but it never bothered me after it was all done.
The good ones that ended in good shape for whatever reason... Those are the ones that fuck you up. You'll miss them forever, always think about them forever, and cherish what you had but you'll want it back so badly. After 4 years, I'm still in this situation where once in awhile I smile remembering that guy who left while things were great, and I love him for everything we had and then I ache for having lost it all.
Both suck, in reality.
I read once that the first time you even daydream about breaking up, do it. That thought will only reoccur until you eventually do it. The argument was, if someone is right for you, truly right, breaking up will never enter your mind.
Of course, this is more easily said than done. I have never done it, and I know I never will. For the most part I think everyone has their "ledge." For me, I try to hold on until the relationship just isn't practical anymore, or isn't a source of joy.
"But when you love someone, you don't want to ever completely lose him or her, even if it means letting them go before the candle has finally blown out." -So true.
I would agree with this, if I didn't know how it felt to be in love with someone whom it wasn't working with. I have been in both situations, and forever wondering if you made the right decission can cause problems with future relationships. My boyfriend of 2.5 years and I have been through a lot. During that time we "squeezed every drop" out of our relationship and realized that we love each other too much to ever give up on each other and now we're absolutely perfect. I'm glad I stuck it out.
i just broke up with my boyfriend because i saw things going downhill. i didn't want to resent him because of what happened in our relationship, but what he's done now, in the aftermath, makes me resent him anyway.